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Original poster

Welcome to the Advice Clinic - Please come in

999 replies

pineapplebryanbrown · 12/05/2019 00:18

Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions? My team of unqualified but experienced Agony Aunts and myself have a 100% success rate. We're very friendly and never judgemental. Even if you're riddled with the clap.

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Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 19/05/2019 10:31

If people don't greet me I assume they've heard about me, suspect I'm a cunt, are intimidated by my wonderful tits, or dislike chit chat. It has never occurred to me to worry about it.

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Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 19/05/2019 10:32

Mitzi your vibrating lips (one set?) are the cause of all your troubles. Botox?

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Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 19/05/2019 10:33

I may move in with you myself.

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thislido · 19/05/2019 10:45

Caroline your gifting advice is inspired. My triumph today is excusing myself from a social event involving people I’m not really friends with. I do need to catch up on my finances though in the hope that if I actually get it done I will stop grinding my teeth at night and waking up with an aching jaw.

MitziK · 19/05/2019 10:45

If you bring a washing machine with you, thigh, it's a deal.

Completely bored with washing clothes in the bath now. But no sign of being able to get a replacement yet.

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 19/05/2019 10:49

Dear Lord Mitzi, I even have a spare dishwasher in my shed. I have a lot of machines, a washing machine, a tumble dryer, 2 dishwashers, a robot hoover, a normal hoover and a coffee machine. What do you bring to the table other than your vibrating lips?

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Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 19/05/2019 11:04

TL well done on squirming out of a social engagement. I don't know why people do these things.

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MitziK · 19/05/2019 11:08

8 guitars. 3 electric, 2 electroacoustic, remainder acoustic.

2 bass guitars.

17 ukuleles (for teaching/storing as they will make handy firelighters when the zombies come)

Piano

2 drum kits

Recorders, Fife, flutes, penny whistle, harmonica, brass kazoo, clarinet, sleighbells, claves and shaky eggs. Oh, and two tambourines and a bodhran.

Assorted recording and mixing paraphernalia.

Other than that, I currently have the hair of a demented sea witch, black circles under my eyes so dense that they are developing their own event horizon and so much washing waiting in the bath that I'm considering telling work that I now Self Identify As A Sloth and will spend my entire notice period attempting to cover the quarter mile distance from front door to office door.

CarolinePooter · 19/05/2019 11:20

mitzi can you do a huge load at the laundrette?

thigh we also have a glut of white goods, people just give us stuff. One day I'll clean it and send it to BHF, but there's always a niggling feeling that it's good to have a spare XYZ.

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 19/05/2019 11:23

Mitzi I'm withdrawing my proposal I'm afraid, you sound noisy.

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MitziK · 19/05/2019 11:38

I suppose I'll learn to live with the rejection.

And I'll be the one surviving the zombies by sneakily attaching unturned percussion to them and creating road blocks of fiendish complexity. After all, it's apparently impossible for a live human to come unto the house without tripping over, kicking over or otherwise setting the bastarding stuff off, it should be a doddle to get the zombies jangling a happy alarum, attracting all the others and I escape what sounds like the worst Morris Dance Festival in history.

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 19/05/2019 11:51

Mitzi I'm starting to reconsider a bit.

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RagnBoneManFucker · 19/05/2019 13:36

I'll have you mitzi, don't consider fhigh's re-proposal. Now that my dc have run away with the fair I have plenty of room. And I am willing to share if I must my gin and my mini rolls with you.

The dog is very excited at the prospect of meeting your cat.

Anyway - are we nearly at MrsCat's island yet?

Welcome to the Advice Clinic - Please come in
DanglyTassles · 19/05/2019 14:05

Yes Rag , we are flying there now on my magic carpet, twined of witches pubes for extra aerodynamics.

Dog it's ok, it doesn't count as 'visiting' on the carpet because magic. We can go our separate ways an all once we get there!

Mitzi pleased to meet you, I'll be picking you up within the hour on my carpet of pubes. We are off to MrsCat's island, don't worry you won't be disappointed.

DanglyTassles · 19/05/2019 14:11

Good grief where is that thread Pooter? I live in the countryside and always actively avoid saying hello to people, even if I like them very much!

This morning I stopped to pluck a weed from the front garden on my way back inside and dh warned me of the imminent presence of our lovely neighbours who were walking home in my direction. I took heed of said tip off and bolted inside like as if the ZA had started early!

Well I wouldn't want to cause either myself or them the discomfort of saying 'Hello' would I?

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 19/05/2019 14:14

Wtf Rag I was thinking of proposing to you too, now you nick Mitzi while I'm mulling things over! DT can you see me floating on my tits in the ocean? I hope I'm going the right way, the dogs are really getting pissed off with all this swimming.

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Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 19/05/2019 14:17

DT do you hide if anyone knocks on the door? I press myself into a dark corner in case they peek through the letterbox. Also why do people have front doors with a glass pane? No, it must be very solid wood with a spyhole. I also have blinds and curtains at all the windows, the blinds are never opened.

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DanglyTassles · 19/05/2019 14:18

thigh I see you! I'm coming over to pick up you and the dogs, it's ok, we don't have to say 'Hello' , there is no social obligation on the carpet of pubes, it's built into the magic.

We shall all remain in a comfortable silence until we reach the island but will still communicate online! Perfect!

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 19/05/2019 14:19

I'm confused about Cat is she on holiday or trafficked and sold? Where is she? Where are we going?

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Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 19/05/2019 14:21

DT have you got food? I feel like I've misplaced some Pringles and I've only had 1 breakfast.

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DanglyTassles · 19/05/2019 14:22

Yes thigh I do! Very annoying if I'm expecting a parcel and someone knocks! Oh the dilemma ... what if it's not the parcel?? What to do??

So you roll the dice of danger and open the door and 'surprise' it's the in-laws or a friend Sad

I'm now saving up for a solid door with a spy-hole! That will solve my life!

DanglyTassles · 19/05/2019 14:25

Well we don't know thigh but the carpet knows so that's all that matters!

I think she was kidnapped at one point but ended up being the kidnapper as opposed to the kidnappee due to her skilz.

Yes - for food we have a bottomless pit of mini cheddars and Freddo Frog bars so our nutritional needs are sorted,

DogHairEverywhere · 19/05/2019 14:34

Oops, sorry, i just finished off the last of the Freddo Frogs.
Are we nearly there yet?

DogHairEverywhere · 19/05/2019 14:37

My dogs let me down the other day, i was hiding from the local chugger by pretending i hadn't heard the doorbell, but she rang it twice and each time the dogs barked. Gonna be awkward when i see her next to pretend that i didn't know she was there. Perhaps i was in the garden hanging up the washing...yes that's where i was.

DanglyTassles · 19/05/2019 14:38

Dog if you want a wee just piss your slanket as usual. We have no graces on the carpet of pubes!

I hope MrsCat has some more Freddos she will share, we can trade off some of the mini cheddars.