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Welcome to the Advice Clinic - Please come in

999 replies

pineapplebryanbrown · 12/05/2019 00:18

Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions? My team of unqualified but experienced Agony Aunts and myself have a 100% success rate. We're very friendly and never judgemental. Even if you're riddled with the clap.

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MitziK · 18/05/2019 23:21

Greetings.

I have to ask a question - why would anybody want to run away with a band?

We're utter pricks, crippled with self doubt and anxiety until there's a handy stage, when we're suddenly imbued with balls of steel for 45 minutes before collapsing in a self pitying heap once we no longer have everybody looking at us and cheering.

My house is regularly infested with the things, mainly due to the one I decided to let in to keep the bed warm for a night six years ago after a rehearsal and somehow missed the cut off date for return and refund.

If you're going to run away with anybody, make it the person doing the sound. They don't have demented and clearly easily impressed teenagers throwing themselves at them across the mixing desk, they always get paid, they generally stay sober(ish) and they are easy to do the washing for, as everything they wear comes in a delicately shaded kaleidoscope of black.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 18/05/2019 23:26

Actually an ice scraper, in southern England in June, is a genius present. It's like buying something to grow into, but even shitter.

Thanks Star

CarolinePooter · 18/05/2019 23:27

You're welcome!

CarolinePooter · 18/05/2019 23:31

daisy emotionally abusive men are not worth your headspace. Be glad you've moved on. Do you have a photo? I would get an enlargement, and attach it to a dartboard. (Sorry, this is a light hearted thread, but a bit of violence can be quite cathartic!)

pineapplebryanbrown · 18/05/2019 23:32

Mitzi I have so many questions. Are you a band? All of it? Or a leftover groupie? Do you have one leg?

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CarolinePooter · 18/05/2019 23:36

mitzi choosing a partner for sobriety, solvency and ease of laundry sorting is a genius move!

pineapplebryanbrown · 18/05/2019 23:43

Daisy have you reached the grand age of 40 yet? When you reach 40 you no longer give a shit about anything and you're cured. I'm not sure about therapy, I think time works it's magic anyway.

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DogHairEverywhere · 18/05/2019 23:47

I still cared, during my 40's. I found turning 50 was wonderfully liberating. Now i really don't give a fuck.

pineapplebryanbrown · 18/05/2019 23:47

Johnny buy your husband a robot hoover, it's the answer to all your problems. And a vasectomy.

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DogHairEverywhere · 18/05/2019 23:49

A voucher towards a vasectomy, so he either has to cough up more money to make use of it, or waste it.

MitziK · 18/05/2019 23:49

Groupie? Ugh, no. [shudder]. Pointless existence, guaranteed to result in disappointment when the deeply attractive, mysterious and wounded guitarist or singer turns out to be a wailing ninny who is incapable of functioning on a daily basis without applause and adoration.

Musician. Studio Engineer. Live Engineer (The Soundman With Tits Earned Honestly Through Hormones and Not Beer). Erstwhile Tutor.

Gainfully employed in facilitating the Offspring of the Parish's desire to make lots of noise. Well, until my notice period runs out (got the letter yesterday). Not entirely certain how they'll manage to make said OotP sound like international superstars instead of half strangled cats in cement mixers without me to work my magic on the knackered equipment, but they seem to think anybody in the office can learn to do it in a couple of hours compared to my twenty years of experience.

Sadly, I have a liking for a real roof over my head and therefore need to find other gainful employment rather than casting caution to the four winds and eking an existence from playing covers to pissed up punters. The one night stand that's still here after six years is out for the weekend doing exactly that and moans incessantly that he'd rather be at home with me.

I did suggest that we swap and he pays the bills for the next six years, but that didn't go down as well as it could have done possibly because I was shrieking it at him, rather than making it seem perfectly reasonable and sensible in the interests of gender equality.

pineapplebryanbrown · 18/05/2019 23:50

Dog now that I'm 50 I can hardly be bothered to breathe in and out. I think 43 is the magical age when you give away all fucks.

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pineapplebryanbrown · 18/05/2019 23:54

Mitzi oh those ONSs that linger, what's wrong with them? I used to date a sound engineer called Richard. Nice chap, small cock, murdered his first wife.

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MitziK · 19/05/2019 00:04

It was my mistake, thigh.

I fucked him so much that the poor soul was unable to walk the hundred yards to his shared flat. And then he found out I had bacon in the fridge, a bathroom without the detritus of five single men in their 30s coating the fixtures and a spare room set up as a mini recording studio.

After he'd been here a month, I figured I might as well keep him, seeing as I'd done similar with feeding abandoned kittens and they sort of turned out alright in the end. pointedly ignoring disabled TwatCat who falls over when sitting down

pineapplebryanbrown · 19/05/2019 00:32

Mitzi interesting that you have fucked him so much that he is now disabled. It's extremely hard to fuck someone to death but, on the plus side, not something that attracts a custodial sentence.

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pineapplebryanbrown · 19/05/2019 00:33

Could TwatCat lie down?

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pineapplebryanbrown · 19/05/2019 00:43

It was Sheep's 4th birthday on the 15th and I only remembered today

Welcome to the Advice Clinic - Please come in
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MitziK · 19/05/2019 01:07

TwatCat just about manages that with an effort. He managed to get into his chair by leaping about two foot higher than strictly necessary in the vague hope it might get him where he wanted to be upon crashing landing.

He's now curled up into a tabby ball of cuteness until the morning. But he will fall off the chair in the process of getting up, never mind off, it.

ProjectGainsborough · 19/05/2019 08:48

Happy birthday Sheep. He does look kind of nobly offended - I think you should get him a present sharpish.

The necessity of gainful employment is one that has troubled us for some time Mitzi. I do think the revolution will need someone musical though, to herald our approach. Can you play the trumpet?

ProjectGainsborough · 19/05/2019 08:58

Johnny can I borrow your domesticated husband? DH and I are lazy sluts - could do with someone to sort the washing. I’ll give you our ice scraper in return.

DogHairEverywhere · 19/05/2019 09:18

Happy Belated birthday, Sheep.
Will he be having cake?

CarolinePooter · 19/05/2019 09:42

There's an excellent WWYD about "neighbour (misspelled neighbor tut tut) doesn't greet me". Basically OP roams the countryside with some badly behaved Chihuahuas and is miffed with her neighbour because he doesn't stop and chat. It is gradually emerging that surly neighbour is an incomer and OP considers herself to be practically Lady of The Manor. She has not shot him yet.

Any thighlander fancying moving to the country, be warned!

pineapplebryanbrown · 19/05/2019 09:49

Poot interesting. There's another one about someone who's massively rich and successful but happens to have an estuary accent and is worried her posh neighbours will think she's the cleaner.

I don't think cleaners have estuary accents anymore.

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CarolinePooter · 19/05/2019 10:07

Exactly! Bit of a giveaway there.

MitziK · 19/05/2019 10:28

I can play trumpet. All it requires is a bit of vibration in one's lips and some nifty movements of three fingers.

This is also coincidentally how my ONS is so determined to stay.