Welcome to the Advice Clinic - Please come in

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions? My team of unqualified but experienced Agony Aunts and myself have a 100% success rate. We're very friendly and never judgemental. Even if you're riddled with the clap.

We are bothered MrsCat ! It was very impressive how you rescued yourself!

Project and I are a little 'off-colour' today I think we should come to reverse Thighland on the double! Many thanks, see you in five!

Dangly, beware, it looks like the sort of place where you might have to drink rum! And you're only just recovering sfter last night's excesses. Perhaps i should go forst, just to check it out, see if it's suitable. Obviously Thigh can't go, as she'll be exhausted after her last holiday and Pooter and Project have to pack up their houses. Probably only leaves me, .

Well
Dog you might be right but it's too late! I'm nearly there now! I'm traveling on my magic carpet you see, which is much faster than normal travels!

Dangly don't you have tour commitments to uphold? You can't be gallivanting off to far flung places. I'll go.

Oh fuck it we'll all go! I'm circling back on my carpet to pick everyone up!

Yes please. Cat are there pirates? I hope there are pirates.

Grooming tips Poot, hm. We had each others’ faces tattooed on our faces, didn’t we? Does that count as ‘expensive’?

DT what a dilemma. Got my thumb out waiting for my lift, but feel i must obey the no visiting rule.

I'm swimming there using my enormous tits as a lifejacket. I'll make all the rum punches, you lot can't be trusted and will be dead in a week.

I'm bringing the dogs, they're well trained after navigating Margaret's hot tub.

Re grooming tips, I'm still sporting my plaited pubic hair with beads on. You can hear my clicking and clacking as i shimmy along.

What is "reverse Thighland"? I'm not trying or anything.

Just watching a film on BTK but he euthanised a dog out of spite so I hate him.

Me, not my

Dog isn't that your anal beads making that noise? I didn't like to mention it, I know how sex crazed you are, being Welsh and everything.

Well, my pubic hair is so long and luxurious i have to coil it round and shove it up my arse to keep it neat. So my beads are both braiding beads and anal beads. I am thrifty and like to get value out of items. Also, living in Wales, it's difficult to get to a shop to actually buy anything.

Hello.....

I have been lurking on this thread for a good while, admiring the thisters. Not in a creepy, sexual way, though. Although actually that's a lie.

I fear I am not worthy to join you. I am short, fat, bristly, and angry, with low moral standards, and a style which is best described as Kate-Middleton-meets-Dolores-Umbridge. I do not have a slanket but most things in my house are covered with bodily fluids as I have three small children, and DH has poor self-control.

Incidentally, DH bought me a Mothers' Day card with a mother rabbit and a giant litter of baby rabbits on it. It was sort of funny but also offensive and I'd like to do something cruel to him on his birthday in 3 weeks. Any thoughts?

Do people ever recover fully from emotional abuse or are you destined to end up panicking and feeling sick when you come across them or a reminder of them? Can you advice that it goes away with time or effort to to accept?

JohnnyMcGrath I am short, fat, bristly, and angry, with low moral standards,
i think you'll fit right in... welcome.

Daisy I reckon you do, but it takes a bucketload of time and it happens when you realise you stopped thinking about it.

Oooh Johnny something suitably cruel, there’s a challenge. Buy him a hoover? Or an iron, or any of those disappointing gifts that men stereotypically give women.

What about a Coldplay album? He is quite musical.

He is also weirdly obsessed with laundry. He stays up at night when he could be sleeping to wait for the washing machine to finish.

He might like an iron

I could get him a back sac n crack wax.

Although would that be something I"d end up using? My piles are almost certainly bigger than his balls.

Johnny cruel, eh? how about a fake positive pregnancy test? I'm sure you can buy them on ebay or summat and it would be a beautiful riposte to his card. Happy birthday, dear! Ooh, feels like it might be twins...

(assuming you're not actually ttc, that would obvs tip over into evil )

johnny your husband probably grabbed the first card he saw. What a staggering lack of thought. Insulting you by alluding to your excessive fertility. I hope he's been seen to.

I would normally say LTB, but I note he has a birthday coming up. Your best bet would be something from the petrol station, like an ice scraper or a can of WD40. It's a bit cruel but nobody can touch you for it if you say the children chose it.

Ah, just saw about ironing etc. A wallpaper stripper is a thoughtful gift. Tell him you've got him a stripper, though.