Welcome to the Advice Clinic - Please come in

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions? My team of unqualified but experienced Agony Aunts and myself have a 100% success rate. We're very friendly and never judgemental. Even if you're riddled with the clap.

I'm visiting a friend in hospital and have run out of fags. I think it's incredibly shit that you can no longer buy fags in hospital but you can buy chips, chocolate, coffee, coke, cake - all the Cs.

I had to go outside because I was infested with children. Apparently telling children to fuck off while you sleep off a hangover is frowned upon. Tempting though it is.

How are you getting on Dangly?

I am amazed how much unhealthy food you can buy in hospitals. I recently tried to find a suitable snack for a friend who’d had a heart attack and there was nada.

Oh Project, I made a big mistake earlier! I stood up!!

OMG the pain.

I'm now starving so dh must feed me!

I am never drinking with the step-dark lord again! (Until next time) It's suicide!

Project there is a babysitter on this thread somewhere! Give your dcs to her or you could arrange for TL to childcatch them! If you feel like I do then you must!! Also top tip, when they grow up, don't be tempted to drink with your dark lord! It bloody hurts your head!!

ragnbone no not me! Never had need to run away (yet) but I think the moral is, never make your wife live in a caravan. Those daft people on Grand Designs should take heed!

thigh diy is indeed a deal breaker, unless you request it of course. I don't mind having a Fuckboy who can mend cars and plumbing, but some people do it for fun! Madness.

When I hit my 40s I was suddenly unable to drink alcohol. Imagine the worst food poisoning ever and that would be it. Maybe an age thing? I have developed a taste for nice tea instead!

I definitely have less tolerance for it these days. I would have been more sedate last night but the barman kept sending over spirits. He also works at the Dark lord’s school, so I wonder if he felt I needed spirits to keep my spirit up.

Dangly I’m attempting to sweat out the evil in a hot bath. Feels a bit kill or cure tbh. If I don’t die, I’ll report back on efficacy.

Thanks Proj, good luck. I might have a go at that myself!

I've had a chinese now and that's helped enormously. I did nearly choke on a piece of beef through poor concentration, but it was still alright.

We are away for a weekend in a caravan. Ds3 and I are lying under blankets watching DVDs and DH and the other two are out procuring fish and chips. So far, so good. However, I fear DH will want to go and see the band in the site pub later and I do not wish to go. My hair is a complete mess and last night’s site entertainment was cringe-worthy. Tips please.

autumn, play dead! Use a bluish powder on your face then lie down somewhere comfy and remain unresponsive.

Dead people never have to do anything so this will work!

Thank you, dangly, you genius. So simple, but so effective. Should I let ds3 in on the wheeze? Perhaps I should powder him too?

Powder both of you. If that doesn’t work, you could pretend to be deaf.

I’m not dead, Dangly! I can’t say whether bath helped, but I didn’t die at least

Kill the band. Then there is no band to see.

Good god people are mean on MN. Made the mistake of wandering into AIBU where some poor chap is getting a really quite vicious kicking for the crime of not being very funny.

Proj for the love of Thigh put a link, you know how stupid I am.

Autumn fuck the band and run away with them leaving your husband to raise three children in a caravan (you keep the house). You've given enough of yourself to your family.

Autumn can't live in a caravan - pooter has shared a cautionary tale about doing things like that. Eat the fish and chips first autumn and then become too ill to leave the tent.

How are the hangovers coming on Project and Dangly? I seem to be going the opposite way with alcohol - the older I get the more I can drink and the less it seems to affect me. There have to be some compensations for aging I suppose.

How many husbands have you had thigh? I've only had the one but I did manage to outlive him. I'm getting very anxious at the imminent start of new job, how can I distract myself?

Actually that's an easy one to answer. I'll just drink more gin :)

Only two so far Rag. I'm very ill suited to being a wife and am now Naked's husband. It's going well although she does keep shagging her other husband.

Can’t find it now thigh. Wouldn’t be surprised if the poor bastard had it pulled.

I just found the ‘mn ideal’ thread while looking for it though and realised that I have unconsciously been drinking the MN koolaid. House in the country, work all the hours god sends - that’s me! Bring on the house sale and freelance career that leaves me time to pursue my interest of wandering around in my pants scratching myself.

Rag suggest meditation or drinking.

Be sure to set the tone early. Plan to leave bang on time and for the love of god, don’t take any responsibilities not in your contract.

Very glad to hear you lived on after your bath Project

I think I will try it myself!

Rag I'm glad you have an increased capacity for drinking with age. I thought I could have a drink but I now find out there is a limit! Who knew?

Why do people want to look expensive, or "polished"? It sounds as if they're being entered for Crufts.

We seem a bit short of new problems - present company excepted Autumn !

Maybe we should branch out into grooming tips? Washing with a flannel is frowned on, but what if you're staying at the Bates Motel?

Nobody seems bothered that I was kidnapped by Fuckboy, set said Fuckboy adrift in treacherous seas, took over local Fuckboys (check out amount of plastic sheeting they've gathered in my honour).

Thisters, I may offer an invite to reverse Thighland.

Obviously, first rule must be observed - no visiting.