Welcome to the Advice Clinic - Please come in

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions? My team of unqualified but experienced Agony Aunts and myself have a 100% success rate. We're very friendly and never judgemental. Even if you're riddled with the clap.

I want tea too. I’m not sure I’ve ever had lucozade but it looks digisting.

How about we have bed jackets Caroline, I’ve always fancied one of those.

Sorry about the cunts wax.

String vests entirely optional. Those who don’t fancy it can opt for the traditional muumuu and bariatric scooter. Or a bed jacket.

I feel like this is one of those S&B threads, ‘what are you wearing today?’

If anyone’s interested, I’m wearing a Christmas jumper and hiking socks. The jumper was a present from a friend and it proclaims that I am a ‘ho’. The hiking socks, shamefully, were borrowed from my friend’s 70 year old mother and never returned. I have stolen a pensioner’s socks

Yes! Good call, lido I have always secretly fancied a bed jacket. In our newlywed days we shivered in an attic bedsit and I used to wear a frightful old jumper to bed, much to Fuckboy's amusement. Perhaps a cute bed jacket would have been more appropriate, a la Doris Day? (RIP)

project I am never letting you near my sock drawer! You are a menace to pensioners! But you are sensible to wrap up warm. "Cast not a clout till May be out"

wax like the poor, cunts are always with us!

I approve of big girl pants, useful for shoplifting after the ZA.

Long story but shortened :)
My ex, who is my ex because I had enough of him basically being a shit dad! Never there for the girls (7yr autistic and adhd + 19mth old) when we were together, no reading, playing, parks, bed, ect, he worked so it was my "job" to do everything with them. He knows NOTHING about how my autistic daughter functions, her triggers or how to control meltdowns. Never changed a poo nappy, blah blah blah.
I'm not being the bitter ex but out of nowhere he wants them for an entire day only every other Sunday and I've said no.
A few hours to build up some trust plus my daughter needs stability and routine.
He is kicking off..... I've neglected my relationship with him plus alot of other stuff to care for my children, which as a single mum is bloody hard work, I've focused on them, I know them best, he hasn't and doesn't and I'm scared he'll take me to court. What can I do?

Hi raindrops that sounds stressful for you. This is a light hearted thread normally so it would definitely be worth checking in Relationships and Special Needs for more detailed support.

I absolutely hear you re the need for routine. My grandson is autistic and his anxiety levels make life so difficult for him. Changes in routine are sometimes a flashpoint! I hope you get your ex to take things more slowly, a full day sounds a lot for your little girl to cope with. Hope you can get more support on the specialist boards.

Fuxake, I tried to read everything but you just kept writing more, I give up. I'll have to make it up as I go along. Nothing I haven't done before.

So I went to hospital today on a scouting mission (visiting friend). I saw a bariatric wheelchair! Then I saw a mobility scooter! It was lush and I was desperate to take a photo but couldn't due to my new phone being a cunt.

My photos came back to me, I don't know how. Got magicked through the air to my new phone from my old phone by some WiFi in the air I guess.

In Margaret related news I cleaned the holiday cottage because I want to go back. She said the way I left it was. "fine".

FINE?! I literally used Mr Muscle, emptied the bins and flushed the bog. I didn't cook any lambz or even shit 💩 in the hot tub. I think holiday cottage owners are all, without exception, lunatics.

Waxacuntee I'd like to know whether you are an oriental bar girl advertising your wares or are opening a fanny waxing salon.

I have now read everything and must say you are all rather relaxed about the upcoming ZA. Especially my dear bride Naked who is the ZA. I think you're distracting us with snax and piss talk so you can hole up with Uncle Quentin on Kirran Island and do sumz together. I'd give up on Uncle Quentin if I were you. He's riddled with the clap and gave Thislido Hep C and anal warts and caused her letterbox to become freakishly small.

I very much enjoyed Wales and want to move there but am a bit scared of a few things.

Welsh looks like a very hard language and I can't say most of the place names.

If I lived on a hill and it snowed or flooded would I die?

Country drivers are fucking insane and are likely to force me off a cliff going round a blind bend.

I have a plumber coming round between 8-10 tomorrow because my toilet is very unwell. Something odd has happened to the arms in the cistern and I have to fill it with a jug. With my serious arse problems obviously this is an urgent appointment.

What is happening with your drinking situation DT? Are you still getting migraine? Have you tried switching to alcohol with less congeners? Perhaps your husband has been poisoning you? Sad to think of you sober, you so enjoyed being a lush.

Proj when I was risking life and limb to get back to you the other day I saw so many gorgeous houses with enormous 18 wheelers screeching passed at 60mph and I thought of you and our house. Did they build the road after you bought?

If I wore a string vest I'd have to make two gigantic holes in the front to poke my enormous tits through. So I really would be tits n ass and in a very bad way.

When I were a lad we used to perm our hair, steal blue mascaras to wear and worry about our arses being fat. Kids today revere the fat arse, how times have changed.

Aah, perms and blue mascara, now that takes me back. I always thought my hair looked better when based on a sheep style.
Luckily the shoulder pads would balance out large arses, although when i was young, i had a small arse (corrected that now!), so i was pretty top heavy with my big hair and shoulders.

As my arse is fat now, does that make me fashionable , or does the slanket detract somewhat?

Did you also have pixie boots?

Has the plumber been? You probably need a new mechanism. Not a euphemism.

Check what delivery services exist before making any rash decisions about moving to rural areas.

Yes you would need a massive freezer and a 4 x 4 or you could starve!

I have some Chelsea boots! But not pixie boots and I don't use wet look gel in my hair (now).

I did text out Amazon Prime when I was there and that worked with next day delivery. There were also Tesco deliveries. I agree I would need a 4 x 4 - then I would have to hate myself for having a 4 x 4.