Welcome to the Advice Clinic - Please come in

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions? My team of unqualified but experienced Agony Aunts and myself have a 100% success rate. We're very friendly and never judgemental. Even if you're riddled with the clap.

Make sure you push down the pen so the bib breaks to show your anger.

Nib

Oh I see chuggers

I have worded half my sign... please help with the final wording.

Can I write 'bugger off you Christian weirdos, you have basically stolen from my child'?? Too harsh? And apols to any Christian thighsters

That looks good. I wouldn’t add the second bit because it might encourage non-Christians to knock.

Maybe draw a skull and crossbones?

Fuck off.
No money here.
My soul is a lost cause.

Should suffice for your sign.

I had not considered this. Thank you for pointing this out. So what shall I add? Piss off weirdoes who go around knocking on people's doors after dark?
It's not very catchy...

‘Or I will hurt you’ should do the trick.

Good but I would do it bigger and more like

'If you knock on my door I will have to kill you. FUCK OFF'

Why do the Christians need money? They're loaded.

The second bit should say 'and a semi-automatic rifle'

That'll learn em!

You could invite them in and ask if they’ve ever considered Satan?

Daub some blood on your door. If they're Bible readers they'll know to leave you alone. But maybe your sign for heathens.

Think I've nailed it

I might be tempted to knock but only because you’d seem like my kind of person.

If nothing else, at least I've manners...

Perfect!

Proj have we had any more offers for our house?

The please and thank you is a nice touch.

Perfect. Manners and a human skull, who could ask for more?

This if you do a special knock, you would be most welcome to come inside. Although, you have to bring gin and kit Kats (or whatever chocolate you happen to find in your cupboards/pockets... whatevs.

Nooooo lido. Lots of viewings and positive noises. I really need this to hurry up. I can’t waste any more money on flowers.

Thanks project and Caroline, I thought so to. I can actually hear them working their way back down the street, and so can Shit dog... too scared to actually stick it to my front door though...
I am basically one of those idiots who gets really angry and internally self combusts about an outrage whilst smiling politely and thanking the purveyor of outrage. And now I am covered in green pen..

Just no visiting is allowed! Although I did have a lovely time at Danglys once. We pruned the bushes and all sorts.