Why does my son’s friend do this?

[Offallycheap]

He’s 10. And if I’m around he constantly tells me what my son is doing, as though he’s being naughty, even when he isn’t. Literally non stop. And if my son isn’t around he tells me constantly about other things that aren’t right. It drives me mad.

I take them both to Scouts once a week and he comes here from school. It’s a favour to his mum really, but I’m wishing I hadn’t offered!

Tonight I was cooking dinner and he came in and interrupted my conversation four times to tell me “Olly said poo head” then “Olly says he hates Mrs Roberts at school” then “Olly has taken off his socks” and finally “Olly has put the cushions on the floor instead of the sofa.”

Thankfully my Olly is pretty laid back and just sees this running in and out of the room as a way for him to get more goes on the X box, but even he is getting sick of it. I’ve tried saying “Jake, it’s fine, you don’t need to tell me things all the time!” And other similar reassurances but it makes no difference. And I’ve no idea WHY he does it or what he wants me to do about it!

I’ve spoken to his mum, she laughed it off and said he’s always been a tell tale.

Ideas please!

calmdownjanet did you just stroll in off the pages of Viz?

Sorry, just caught up with updates after I posted...as you say he just wants to tell you, then I'd just say "OK, thanks" and then carry on with what you're doing...he probably just needs to offload because it's an issue for him. Don't give it any attention and don't take it personally.

Have you tried calling him a fucking narc?

On a serious note DS is Asd and has a tendency to “tell” on others because he does see rules as set in stone. He also has a friend with ASD who comes to play, the result being they constantly snitch on each other and argue over who played whatever game they are using ‘wrong’.

Ds’s friend also has a younger brother, he does seem to monitor his behaviour a lot too. Could be a sen issue or just very keen on the rules being followed

@CalmdownJanet Hopefully I don't know you and my kid never goes to your house...perhaps consider wider issues?

Can you just try totally ignoring him? This is what I'd try if all else fails. Just an idea.

How about saying, yes I wanted Ollie to do that, about everything he comes to you with. If he thinks nothing Ollie does bothers you it might stop him?

It's to do with whatever dynamic goes on in his house. And his feeling of safety in your house. Has he a very young sibling at home?
He's checking in with you. For some reason.

I'd tell him 'In this house we don't have rules. do whatever ye like!' And then just laugh. Maybe he'll think you're being serious or something???

I'm with Marnie, say something like oh yes, that's Ollie's favourite game at the moment, isn't it fun? (re cushions on the floor / taking socks off) or if it's 'Ollie said.... maybe try responding with something that rhymes, turning it into a funny poem?

Or just ignore. It is attention seeking, trying to impress you with his 'good behaviour' (aka known as 'sucking up').

He must like you a lot, OP.

He could just be after attention but he could also be self protective.

Some kids live in permanent fear of a walloping at home and with siblings this is the best survival mechanism they have. I'd be keeping an eye out for bruises and hoping he could learn to relax. "That's fine" or "of course he has" might reassure that all is well.

@KurriKurri In my experience i've seen it most in children who have fairly strict parents - it's to deflect away from them getting into trouble over small things. My DD was friends with a family of 3 girls 9very strict parents) and they all did it continuously - their entire conversation was basically tale telling - drove me crazy, but eventually they worked out that at my house it got no result - I wasn't interested and no one else got into trouble.

I think this is spot on *@KurriKurri and I have the same type of problem OP. Several times a day, I have knocks on the door from the same two protagonists with the usual tattle-tales, example today; e.g my DS1 is in another child's garden and he is not allowed (by who, he couldn't say). my DS2 picked up Cian's toy and he is not allowed; the door knocks are so regular I am finding it hard to keep cool and reading this thread has helped. It is wearing but I do know one child's parents are incredibly strict and the others I don't know but he is very mean to all the children in the area and regularly physically swings sticks at other kids and kicks balls at their heads in the middle of a game that they are enjoying.

For him it seems like the value is in the telling, not in the feedback IYSWIM.

Well that makes it easy then. "Yes Johnny, that's fine, now off you go" with max cheerfulness. And repeat.

Don't take it personally. You don't even have to really listen, it sounds more like a nervous tic than anything else. It doesn't matter if it's SN or not, you've tried the non-nasty ways to stop him and they haven't worked so you may as well let it roll past you.

TheFormidableMrsC the child 10, he should have long grown out of telling tales and sounds seriously irritating, what I said to him was perfectly polite, what I said in my head would indeed stay in my head, so no big deal. Kids can be annoying, it's not earth shattering news, you don't need to put up with an annoying kid every week as a favour to anyone, so be polite, don't tolerate it and drop him home. No wider issues thanks

Omg, this would drive me mad. I'd go with what @Kurrikurri suggests

I had bad experiences with a close friend's DD that I ended up finding excuses why we couldn't invite over to play with my DC after a couple years. (Mainly because my DDs couldn't stand her!). She was so bossy, controlling over rules (many she made up or exagorared) and simply was a constant (ITT) irrelevant tell tale that nobody wanted to play with her. Her mum , who is a lovely friend, would react each time and spend ages placating her and cuddling her on her lap (we're taking ages 7-13) , so we used to invite her over + with her mum, only when I also had a big group of DC invited over at ours- to diffuse her impact. Some DCs just crave content adult attention - and it is bloody exhausting to have a tell tale visit. It's fine if it's a real thing but not when they constantly make up imaginary stuff.

@Borninathunderstorm the first thing I thought was autistic traits, especially with the compulsion to say everything he's thinking, not necessarily for feedback but just to say it. Rules are rules!

Most of us, if we saw a crime being committed, would report it to the police.

But when kids see misdemeanours (or what they perceive to be such) and report it to an authority figure, they get called a tell-tale tit, a grass, a squealer (and now on this thread a "fucking narc" - I don't remember that one in the playground) and also get threatened with being sent home if they keep it up

As PP have said, some kids are brought up in strict households, and want you to know that when you find out something is wrong, they didn't do it and oughtn't be the one punished for it.

I hate it when people automatically assume that a child has some sort of additional need after reading one post but he sounds just like my dd. She has developmental delay and autism and she does this. It's a compulsion to give me a running commentary of things that are happening. My niece does it too but it's is probably an appropriate developmental stage as she's 5. If you had said this child was 5 I wouldn't have though much of it but given his age that's quite odd. I'm not suggesting you need to tell his mum to go looking for a developmental diagnosis or anything as that isnt always appropriate. I just think it might be easier for you to cope with if you look on it as a compulsion he has right now and that he isn't telling tales so much as commentating. It's annoying, there's no doubt, but when he does it just say "that's ok" and don't get drawn in.

Some of these responses would come over aggressive and baffling to the child, I think. If you can bear it, I've had some success with "I'm not all that interested in what Olly did. Let's talk about you - tell me about about your favourite lesson today" However maybe that would be a bit weird to say to a friend's child. "Offering" a task can also help - would you like to go and play with Olly or stay here and chop these carrots for me? You could even pre-empt him: "Is there anything you want to say to me now, or are you ready to go and play with Olly while I chop these carrots?" Being busy helps.

We have a social story framework about telling tales but this sounds more like a stream of consciousness than targetted tale telling. It's not something my autistic son does but I can imagine if he got fixed on the idea of being a good guest and chatting to his friend's mum, it might come out as a monologue on a subject that he thinks might interest you, i.e. Olly.

There's a difference between a child coming to adult about something bad or very naughty and a child constantly telling tales. OP writes that the Child tells tales when her DS isn't being naughty ..
he constantly tells me what my son is doing, as though he’s being naughty, even when he isn’t. Literally non stop.

OP I think if it's exhausting for you having this boy over once a week after school before scouts, it's ok to admit it to yourself and then say to the other mum that it's not working as he won't play nicely & it's exhausting.
You've already mentioned it to the other DM who has described her son as a tell tale herself.

I'd say to friend
"It hasn't worked out as well as I hoped, so I won't be able to have little Bob after school before scouts each week anymore from next week".

If she asks why- "He's not settled at our house to just relax, do homework or play with Olly. Bob constantly runs in and out of my kitchen telling tales on innocuous things he doesn't think Olly should do, like Olly taking his socks off. It's non stop and I don't want Olly to get fed up & feel uncomfortable in his own home. Bob clearly feels uncomfortable. I mentioned it before, but I'm exhausted and can't do it anymore. "

I think he's really anxious about the rules at your house being different from the rules at his house and the possibility that he'll be blamed for something he didn't do.

I'd just say "don't care" and refuse to engage further!

God, he's 10. Absolute peak time for this sort of thing. He will soon grow out of it. Just smile and nod and ignore it - unless you really can't deal with this totally normal yet mildly irritating quirk from a child?

Some of these responses are baffling. No need to play silly games with a 10 year old. If you really can't deal with this then tell his mom you can no longer help out

You know, you've probably tried most of the stuff suggested, to ignore him, dismiss him, tell him off. And I'm not judging, I'd do all that lot first too. But it's clearly not working.

Maybe, just to spin things around a bit, the next time he comes in telling tales then you could say about how much fun it sounds and say that he should try it too. Maybe he's looking for permission, rather than attention?

Your house and car, your rules.

In my neck of the woods we’d say ‘Don’t be a Dibber Dobber Doughnut unless it’s serious’

Our school has a poster up about when ‘telling’ is healthy and when it isn’t. Maybe find it on Pinterest and put it up. Point to it instead of answering him in the future. Deprive him of oxygen, he’ll get bored.