Why does my son’s friend do this?

[Offallycheap]

He’s 10. And if I’m around he constantly tells me what my son is doing, as though he’s being naughty, even when he isn’t. Literally non stop. And if my son isn’t around he tells me constantly about other things that aren’t right. It drives me mad.

I take them both to Scouts once a week and he comes here from school. It’s a favour to his mum really, but I’m wishing I hadn’t offered!

Tonight I was cooking dinner and he came in and interrupted my conversation four times to tell me “Olly said poo head” then “Olly says he hates Mrs Roberts at school” then “Olly has taken off his socks” and finally “Olly has put the cushions on the floor instead of the sofa.”

Thankfully my Olly is pretty laid back and just sees this running in and out of the room as a way for him to get more goes on the X box, but even he is getting sick of it. I’ve tried saying “Jake, it’s fine, you don’t need to tell me things all the time!” And other similar reassurances but it makes no difference. And I’ve no idea WHY he does it or what he wants me to do about it!

I’ve spoken to his mum, she laughed it off and said he’s always been a tell tale.

Ideas please!

Ds is 7 and goes theiugh phases of this. I try to nip it in the bud by interrupting with "is anyone hurt? Did someone do something mean? No? Then I don't need to know thanks." A couple of rounds of this resets him for a couple of months til he forgets and we start again. It can be wearing OP.

I have actually noticed my 4.5 year old doing this on a play dates with other kids.
I think she gets worried she'll get in trouble for something. One example was we had a friend over and the little boy went upstairs with his shoes on (she's not usually allowed to) and she came to tell me and his mum straight away 'Billy's gone upstairs to my bedroom with shoes on'. And I noticed it again with a couple of other things, usually small / silly things just that I'd ask her not to do usually.
I think it's worried about doing the right or wrong thing.
(I'm not actually particularly strict! But I suppose it's all relative)

DS has a friend like that and it's because his mother puts the fear of god into him about his behaviour before he goes anywhere and he's terrified of being blamed for something that the adult in charge then reports back to his Mum.

I just used to say 'it's fine' or 'it's allowed' or 'DS knows the rules in this house so don't worry'.

I find that assuming it’s coming from a place of anxiety or undiagnosed SEN makes it easier to cope with. Whilst with my own I’d ask them if there was blood or if the house was about to burn down etc, I wouldn’t with someone else’s child. I’d just be as kind as I’d want someone to be to my child if they did have anxiety/SEN.

Some of the replies on here are horrible. I’d rather people didn’t invite my kids over than speaking to them so horribly

To those discussing SEN, you know you're children have additional needs and I imagine friends of the family would know too. I doubt very much your child would then receive an abrupt response, and people would know how to approach them better and have a better understanding of their behaviour also. So please do not make it as though posters are advising the OP as though they're saying to say such and such to a child with SEN, that's not the case AT ALL. You're projecting.

None of us know if there is any issue with this child that yet has to be diagnosed. Not every child that behaves as such is on the spectrum etc either. Many are simply tell-tales and there is no more to it. I'm sure his family would pick up on concerning issues and refer him to professionals if there was something to be concerned about.

your* ugh.

Some of the responses on here

Could be ASD.

Could be attention seeking. Maybe he doesn't get much attention at home? If it bothers you, ignore or change the subject. It is best not to feed it if it is an attention thing. If he is an otherwise sweet child and gets on with your child, I wouldn't let it bother you.

There was a girl in DS's class who used to do this, I used to look at her and say "So?" and just repeat it every time she tried to expand on details.

That said my dd has autism and one thing that concerns her teachers is her rigid adherence to rules as they are worried it will affect her socially and she'll be seen as a tell tale when she is in fact genuinely thinking she's doing the right thing when she's policing her poor class mates.

Have you asked him why he keeps telling you this stuff?

I tell these kinds of children that I really don’t care. Because I really don’t.

Your response should be total disinterest. Ok dear, I'll keep that in mind, Hmmm did he,Oh right. No eye contact. Bored tone.
If he persists, turn it back onto him, Oh dear, so what can you do about that?
And praise for sorting out squabbles themselves. It is an obnoxious phase some kids go through at this age.

I think I was like this as a child. I grew up in quite a volatile, critical household and adapted by being the "perfect" goody two shoes. My mum could be nasty but could also be lovely if I was "good", so I built up my fragile self-esteem this way.

I was really confused and upset by being called a tell-tale, because it was so paradoxical, why would adults keep telling you to follow the rules, then not want to know if someone was doing something bad? And it was hard to understand that the unwritten rules were different in different places.

My son's friend does this, he has ASD. I did sit him down and tell him gently that a rule in our house is that unless someone is hurt or upset or something is dangerous or broken I don't need to know. He does it much less (I did need to say this several times in several ways)

@PrawnoftheShed Please elaborate

Best of luck OP, have had thus with younger kids, but as someone said above, I'd just say if it's not mean or nobody is being hurt it's okay. That or just laugh and say you worry too much,, he's fine, to make him realise most of t here things don't warrant the bother. As also said above though you don't know how nervous his parents make him about being in someone else's house just so he'll be good!

If he doesn’t want a response/action taking then just reframe to yourself. Just accept it will happen and prepare your response accordingly.

I’d go with any of:

Right.
Uh-huh.
OK.
I see.
Noted.
Got it.

Neutral, short, disinterested but acknowledged.

It’s mighty annoying- DC2 has a friend prone to a bit of this - but I just don’t react much. (Unless it’s warranted, which sometimes it is! )

Wow some mean and nasty responses on this thread.

My ds has gone through phases of this. It’s simply that he’s genuinely worried that his friend is doing something wrong and wants to make sure he’s doing the right thing. I think it comes from school in a way as he’s quite a rule follower and they are always rewarded for 'being good'.

I find kind, but clear guidance for what and what isn’t acceptable helps. Reassurance that the behaviour of the other child is ok doing whatever in that house is enough to reassure him. He doesn’t want his friend to get into trouble. (It’s never acceptable, but understanding why is part of growing up).

Try talking over him? I know that sounds abrupt but bear with me... If it's ASD I expect he won't care if you speak over him. If he's just big on telling tales then he'll be persistent about you hearing what he has to say.

My 8yo DD has a friend like this and it drives me mad. My DD reacts to her in a negway when she tells tales. It make her look bad because the tell tale tit is so bloody innocent looking.

My DD jumped in puddle one because friend told her not to go near it.

The kid does sound much younger than a 10 year old.

My 5 and 9 year olds wouldn’t do this. In fact, they’d do the exact opposite and not say anything to get the other kid in trouble.

Is he used to be Ming around adults more than other kids?

I’ve known much younger children so this, especially with kids younger than them but it does seem odd and would irritate the heck out of me. Especially when I want to just get on with cooking and nothing is going on that needs my attention.

Maybe at the beginning of the next time he is over you could sit both the kids down and just say you want to have a little chat about the rules of the house. Remind them that they can play together nicely, no one needs to tell on each other, it’s ok to put cushions on floor, take your socks off etc. Ask them both if there are any rules they’d like to ask about or clarify? You could have the conversation first with your son so he isn’t completely confused about why you are bringing this up.

Then if he comes to you again about something trivial you can repeat that you’ve already said.

No idea whether it’ll work or not but worth a go.

why would adults keep telling you to follow the rules, then not want to know if someone was doing something bad? And it was hard to understand that the unwritten rules were different in different places.

This is what my son struggles with. I don’t think I’m strict, but with the boy he does it with it is because his parents and I have different parenting styles (I don’t allow jumping on the sofa, or playing football in the lounge, nor do I let mine throw balls in the house). The other boys parents do. My son struggles with how to deal with his friend doing things he can’t do, but his friend is allowed to. The 'tale telling' is him seeking reassurance from the adult that it’s ok.

I am trying to teach him why it’s not ok, but some things come easy and others don’t.

This is a boundary issue, 100%...what Mum is OK/not OK with at home is not the same as you. My ASD son does this to an extent...and it is massively irritating and I am his mum, what it must be for those who have to listen to him in any other setting, I dread to think. So and so looked at me, so and so breathed on me, so and so knows I don't like loud things, oh I could write an essay. I nod and smile to my son, but with this child I'd probably attempt a chat with him. Ask him why it's upsetting etc. You may find the situation is more than you think....

Another idea is to have a little whiteboard and pen handy and if he comes to you to tattle, then tell him he can write down his complaints on the board.

That way he feels validated and maybe having to write it down will put a stop to him telling in the first place.