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Original poster

AIBU to not want my in laws to only take one of my children?

83 replies

user1477472578 · 06/05/2019 06:48

Sorry first post so not hot on the abbreviations.
I have 2 children LG 3 and LB 1.5 I’m currently 7month pregnant so maybe this is clouding my judgement and emotions.
My MIL and SIL keep asking to only have my LG. They look after them both one day a week while I’m at work but any other chance they get to watch them they only want to take my LG. I know LB is a handful into everything but IMO he’s easier than LG who is an absolute winge.
I keep saying no as I hate the idea of one of them being left out, possibly the middle child in me, even though I know LB won’t have a clue what’s going on.
They say it’s because LG doesn’t get enough attention when LB’s around. What the hell do they think happens the rest of the week when I have them both????
They’ve now asked for one child to sleep over at the weekend and I’m furious. I’m fat, uncomfortable, shattered and very emotional at the moment this has tipped me over the edge. Of what benefit is this to me right now? I can’t get any rest or anything done as will still have one child so what’s the point? My OH is useless and thinks the sun shines out of their backsides and can’t see what’s wrong “it’ll be nice for THEM”
Am I just cutting my own nose off?

OP posts:
momomia · 06/05/2019 06:51

People might say taking one gives you a bit of a break but I disagree; at least with them both together they can entertain one another and play and you can rest a bit; leaving you with one is harder imo!

HennyPennyHorror · 06/05/2019 06:52

YABU...sort of.

My MIL often has my girls separately because she like to give one on one attention BUT I see that the fact MIL hasn't said "And we;ll have DS on his own next time" is definitely offputting.

In your position I would say "It would be great but at the moment, it's easier for me to have both together than one at a time. If I have them together they can entertain one another...so unless you're able to invite both, I'll have to say thanks but not at the moment"

Ragwort · 06/05/2019 06:53

There’s a big difference between looking after a three year old and an 18 month year old so I can understand your ILs point of view.

Surely it would still give you a bit of a break for one of the children to have a sleepover. I used to spend a lot of time with my grandparents when I was younger, much more than my younger siblings did & I had a great relationship with them which really benefited me.

It must be very tough for you having such young children and being pregnant, I would take whatever help is offered and I hope your DH is supportive around the house.

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OddBoots · 06/05/2019 07:11

Have a chat with them and express your worries. They may be willing to have your daughter now then have your son in his own once he is a bit older (and likewise your third child later). Them having one child means you get more focused time with the other(s).

Yinderling · 06/05/2019 07:26

if it makes you feel any better my Mum has looked after my dc twice in 13 years. She regularly has her 2 other gds over together. Once a week is amazing. I imagine the 1.5 year old makes it hard to do anything nice with the 3 year old.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 06/05/2019 07:31

You are only thinking of yourself here! Who said this sleepover is ONLY about providing a break for you? Perhaps they think it is something your daughter is old enough to enjoy as a special treat on her own. Your son probably is a bit young to have a night away from his parents. I don't think your partner is being unreasonable either.

Winifredgoose · 06/05/2019 07:33

My mum always has one at a time. She finds two too much. I also think it’s nice for the children as they get the full attention of either me or her. I can see if you’re exhausted, it doesn’t give you a break though.

NineinaBed · 06/05/2019 07:34

My parents only have one at a time too for sleepovers. I'd let them tbh.

UCOinanOCG · 06/05/2019 07:37

I don't see anything wrong with this. They can do things with the 3yo that she might not be able to do with the younger one around. It also means you can just focus on your DS when she is away. Children really benefit from one to one time.

DonnaDarko · 06/05/2019 07:39

I think it's easier to look after a 3 year old than a 1.5 year old and they might find looking after the younger one more exhausting. Also, a1.5 year is not going to feel like they're being left out.

It sounds like they want more one to one interaction with LG as they don't get that when LB is around. It's not necessarily about the attention YOU'RE giving them or about a benefit to you. Stop thinking of yourself. I'm sure they will start looking after LB when they're a bit older.

So I think you're being unreasonable, sorry.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 06/05/2019 07:41

Not really seeing the issues.

At 18 months, it wouldnt be unusual for yours little boy to not sleep over anyway.

The point isnt really to give you rest.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 06/05/2019 07:42

I never had my granddaughter for an overnight until she was three. I just didn't feel that I could cope for a weekend with diapers and formulas and special diets that babies have. And I still have my granddaughter and grandson separately so we can have one-to-one time and I can do special things with them. They are interested in different things and I want to share their interests and get to know them.
If you want a holiday, send your girl to his parents and your son to your parents. Or your husband can have one-to-one time with his son.
Let your PIL bond with their granddaughter and make some memories. Chances are they will feel more confident about having your son when he is older.

Daddylonglegs1965 · 06/05/2019 07:42

Yanbu I had this from my parents they looked after my niece almost FT but barely saw my two and never looked after them. Niece was spoilt and unable to entertain herself. She was 16 months older than my eldest. So they would ring up last minute and ask if they could take my eldest DS to a local seaside resort (DD was a year younger). I only agreed once. It would always be after dinner we would be expected to drop him off (after their early dinner) so our full day would be on hold. Then they would bring him home. It would end up like a 2-2.5 hour day out to be used to entertain my spoilt niece (as my sister was working all day). DD was left at home with us upset. In a weeks time they phone up and ask if they can take DS again. I said well no not really it doesn’t really work for us and would be nice if they could both go with you. I was told no room in the car. My sister wasn’t even at work they said they liked taking niece out and would give my sister a break. I just said sorry no it doesn’t work just taking one of them all the time and leaving the other one out.

crumble82 · 06/05/2019 07:43

I get where you’re coming from, DM does this with my DC and like you I worry that DD2 will pick up on the fact that she gets left out. I’ve said this to my DM and she guilt trips me about it occasionally but she does seem to have taken it on board. Now DD1 has started school we’ve come to a compromise and DM takes her on her own when there are teacher training days.

underneaththeash · 06/05/2019 07:47

They probably can't manage both. 1.5 yo boys are absolutely exhausting and you have to watch them constantly.

I think that's fair enough.

AuntMarch · 06/05/2019 07:48

As an older sister, I LOVED going to my Granny's house and having her all to myself.

Why should she miss out because the in laws don't feel they can't cope with the toddler overnight yet? When he's a little older I'm sure they'll do the same.

And you coped with your Lg just fine while expecting your son, so why different coping with him while expecting this one?

I mean, I get that it would be nice, but I don't think they are out of line.

FiremanKing · 06/05/2019 07:56

You’re viewing it as them having the children to give you a break.

They see it as spending time doting on their granddaughter and giving her all of their attention.

I think it’s lovely if them to consider the older child in this manner.

Looneytune253 · 06/05/2019 08:09

Let them take her but next time make sure it's your little boy that goes if they only want one

SingleMumFighting · 06/05/2019 08:10

Yanbu
This sort of situation gets to me all the time. Grandparents insist on inviting and spoiling one child. They never make alternative plans for my other children. In my case its blatant favoritism, so I do not allow it.

BiscuitDrama · 06/05/2019 08:14

We have one at a time going to my mum from three or four. It gives the child nice time for board games and baking etc.

I think it’s fine so long as they do the same in time for the others.

Aquilla · 06/05/2019 08:14

YABU. Two toddlers is too much work!

ineedaholidaynow · 06/05/2019 08:27

Will they be looking after all 3 children if you go back to work?

As others said it might be because your little girl is older and having one for a sleepover is easier. However, there are cases of ‘golden’ child/grandchild so would keep an eye out for that as time goes on.

HairyToity · 06/05/2019 08:35

My two have never had a sleepover at either grandparents. You are very lucky.

Personally I think a 3 year old is easier than a 1 year old, so understandable that they prefer to just have easier child.

HairyToity · 06/05/2019 08:36

Yabu

SnuggyBuggy · 06/05/2019 08:39

I don't think it's wrong in principle, there are situations where it makes sense to just take one child if it's for something that works for one age wise but not the other. However if this offer isn't helpful to you it's fine to say no.

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