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Original poster

AIBU to not want my in laws to only take one of my children?

83 replies

user1477472578 · 06/05/2019 06:48

Sorry first post so not hot on the abbreviations.
I have 2 children LG 3 and LB 1.5 I’m currently 7month pregnant so maybe this is clouding my judgement and emotions.
My MIL and SIL keep asking to only have my LG. They look after them both one day a week while I’m at work but any other chance they get to watch them they only want to take my LG. I know LB is a handful into everything but IMO he’s easier than LG who is an absolute winge.
I keep saying no as I hate the idea of one of them being left out, possibly the middle child in me, even though I know LB won’t have a clue what’s going on.
They say it’s because LG doesn’t get enough attention when LB’s around. What the hell do they think happens the rest of the week when I have them both????
They’ve now asked for one child to sleep over at the weekend and I’m furious. I’m fat, uncomfortable, shattered and very emotional at the moment this has tipped me over the edge. Of what benefit is this to me right now? I can’t get any rest or anything done as will still have one child so what’s the point? My OH is useless and thinks the sun shines out of their backsides and can’t see what’s wrong “it’ll be nice for THEM”
Am I just cutting my own nose off?

OP posts:

Awrite · 06/05/2019 08:40

The issue isn't your in-laws or your hormones. It's that your dh is useless.

Insist that he do more. You must be exhausted.

DippyAvocado · 06/05/2019 08:43

My DDs are 8&5. My DPs have only ever had the elder one for a sleepover because the youngest is a PITA about sleeping and it's much harder work for them so I wouldn't inflict it on them. If they look after both your DC for you once a week so you can work, they are already being helpful to you so probably just find it easier to take the older one only for a sleepover. 3 year olds are generally more independent than 1 year olds.

BertrandRussell · 06/05/2019 08:44

If it’s favouritism then it’s wrong.

If it’s because she’s older then not wrong and a good opportunity for her to do things that are difficult with a rambunctious younger sibling about.

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PattyCow · 06/05/2019 08:47

Yabvu Your eldest is about to get even less of the 1:1 time kids crave. Why would you deny her that chance? A 1 year old is hard work and I don't blame them for not wanting him at the same time if they already are providing childcare for you. The 1 year old will have no idea he's missing out. As they get older he can also do 1:1 sleepovers if they can handle him. But don't deprive your daughter or your parents.

RickOShay · 06/05/2019 08:48

Yanbu.
Children are not sweets, you don’t get to pick your favourite.
Do you think she would be happy to have your 18 month old when he gets a bit older?
If so, I can see her point, if not, then it’s not ok.

juneau · 06/05/2019 08:48

They probably just find a 3-year-old easier to manage OP. I know my DM was always more willing to have DS1 than both of them together, and it was simply because toddlers are bloody hard work, whereas once a DC has got to the age of 3 they're a bit easier to manage! I know it doesn't help YOU, but that's probably their thinking. You don't say how old they are, but since you admit that your DS is a handful and into everything I'd cut them some slack.

heartshapedknob · 06/05/2019 08:51

It depends. Did they have your daughter to sleep over when she was 18m old? If so, there is no good reason they couldn’t at least alternate having each child. If not, they can alternate once he is whatever age they had your daughter stay over.

If it is straight up favouritism then it needs stopping yesterday.

Yummymummycupcake · 06/05/2019 08:53

I don't think they've done anything wrong. I have four kids and my youngest is 20 months. He is very attached to me and a screamer when I'm not around. My mum will mind all four occasionally but more often than not, she'll leave my youngest behind.
It's not just about giving me a break, it's about letting my other kids have fun at their grandparent's house. That's hard work enough for them without my younger son there too. I also wouldn't expect any overnight stays either.

Scrumptiousbears · 06/05/2019 08:54

My mum only has one DD at a time as she says both overnight is too much for her.

She never has my sisters DS as he is a massive handful and she can't cope.

Sirzy · 06/05/2019 08:55

As the eldest I used to get really frustrated at always having to have my sister everywhere. 1-1 time is so nice for everyone because sometimes you don’t want to be a part of a pair you want to be just you

BertrandRussell · 06/05/2019 08:56

“Your eldest is about to get even less of the 1:1 time kids crave. Why would you deny her that chance?“

This. You’re soon going to have your hands incredibly will find life with three small children much easier if the oldest one gets the opportunity to make or bake or play sometimes without her younger siblings.

GummyGoddess · 06/05/2019 09:00

I have a 2.5 and am almost 1 year old. It's easier to have both of them together than just one of them. They play with each other nicely so I can get things done or have a drink in peace.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 06/05/2019 09:03

My mil used to take one child at a time. I was happy with this as it allowed some one on one time with me and the other, plus she was always resolutely fair and would take the other child the next time. Sounds like you're sensing a pattern here that dd will be picked over ds all the time, which is what my own parents have tried. If that's the case than yanbu to not be happy about it.

Dillydallyingthrough · 06/05/2019 09:04

Sorry OP I think you're being a bit unreasonable. My DM has my DNephew for sleepovers as he is 4, but not my Dniece as she is almost 2 and into everything! Also since Dniece has come along there is a lot of attention on her wherever they go as she is much more outgoing and chatty.

It gives my DNephew a chance to have some 1-2-1 time with his DGPs. When my Dniece is a bit older my DM will have her for a sleepover so she can have some 1-2-1 time too. Exactly the same as we had with my DGPs (no favouritism, we were all treated equally and loved our weekends with our DGPs).

Maybe see it as a chance to have some 1-2-1 time with your DS before the baby is born.

PinaColadaPlease · 06/05/2019 09:08

YABU

Your 18 month old likely dominates proceedings (understandably) when they're together. It would be nice for your DD and MIL/SIL to have some quality time together.

LL83 · 06/05/2019 09:09

They take them both one day a week to help you. They would like to spend some extra time with 3 year old, i think that is lovely.
Yabu not to be supportive. And I would assume your son will get to join when he is older or get his own time with them.

MadAboutWands · 06/05/2019 09:09

I wouldn't have an issue AS LONG AS Dc2 also has the opportunity for 1-1 with MIL and SIL.

All the talk about the oldest child being left out and needing some attention is also true for the youngest. Yes at 1.5yo, the youngest childish going to need some attention, maybe more than the oldest but my experience of two dcs close together like this is that the youngest also has had to learn to wait to the oldest in a way that the oldest never had to do (eg I remember clearly having to stop bfing Dc2 to Deal with dc1 etc etc)

My other worry would be that them having the oldest child in his own would become a pattern and ‘the norm’. So Dc2 might not remember what is happening NOW but they will if this is still the case in two years.

Finally, will it something easy for you to do? Aka will it make that time a nightmare for you because Dc2 won't have anyone to spend time with at a time when yu might need some rest rather than being even more full on?

HoustonBess · 06/05/2019 09:11

My ILs have never taken DD at all, only bought her impractical crap stuff. I'd take any offer really!

thisisthetime · 06/05/2019 09:11

My dm and dsis will only have my 6 year old to stay over not my 3 year old. It is getting to the stage where dc2 notices but it’s not done maliciously, they just like to go to the cinema or up to London and don’t feel comfortable with 2. I would imagine your 1.5 dc won’t mind at that age and it might be too much for them to have them both plus the kinds of things you can do are much more limited. YANBU to want a break but YABU to expect them to provide it. Could your partner not take dc2 out for the day to give you a break? My dc adores the time spent at dm without younger sibling and until dc2 minds I’m happy not to get worked up about it.

MadAboutWands · 06/05/2019 09:12

Which actually raise a question.

Has your MIL had your dc1 when he was 1.5yo in his own? Aka is it an issue that your MIL doesn’t want to look after a child that is too young (too much for her) or is it specifically that she wants to have time with dc1 (favouritism)?

BertrandRussell · 06/05/2019 09:13

“I have a 2.5 and am almost 1 year old. It's easier to have both of them together than just one of them. They play with each other nicely so I can get things done or have a drink in peace.”

When does the older one thread beads or draw or make duplo or bake or any of the things he can’t do while playing nicely with his baby sibling?

MyKingdomForBrie · 06/05/2019 09:15

YABU. They're doing it for your dd, which is really nice of them. Maybe they don't think she's a 'winge' and want to give her a nice break.

Topsy44 · 06/05/2019 09:16

I think yabu. You are lucky to have inlaws that will take your child for a sleepover, albeit just one of them. I imagine its just much easier for them to have your 3 old which is completely understandable.

Its also understandable that you're shattered and wanting a break but imo your DP should be doing this and not your inlaws.

Trasheh · 06/05/2019 09:24

Our eldest is the only one that has sleepovers at GPs house. Youngest is only 15m, I'm not sure how much longer this will go on for but I wasn't going to disallow DC1 (DC1 has been going since 2YO, now 7) just because DC2 was on the scene.

RogersVideo · 06/05/2019 09:26

Well, I don't think wanting to spend time with the 3yo alone is unreasonable in itself. Though if it turns out to be favouritism and DS doesn't get invited when he's a bit older, then you might have to stop visits.

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