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AIBU to not want my in laws to only take one of my children?

83 replies

user1477472578 · 06/05/2019 06:48

Sorry first post so not hot on the abbreviations.
I have 2 children LG 3 and LB 1.5 I’m currently 7month pregnant so maybe this is clouding my judgement and emotions.
My MIL and SIL keep asking to only have my LG. They look after them both one day a week while I’m at work but any other chance they get to watch them they only want to take my LG. I know LB is a handful into everything but IMO he’s easier than LG who is an absolute winge.
I keep saying no as I hate the idea of one of them being left out, possibly the middle child in me, even though I know LB won’t have a clue what’s going on.
They say it’s because LG doesn’t get enough attention when LB’s around. What the hell do they think happens the rest of the week when I have them both????
They’ve now asked for one child to sleep over at the weekend and I’m furious. I’m fat, uncomfortable, shattered and very emotional at the moment this has tipped me over the edge. Of what benefit is this to me right now? I can’t get any rest or anything done as will still have one child so what’s the point? My OH is useless and thinks the sun shines out of their backsides and can’t see what’s wrong “it’ll be nice for THEM”
Am I just cutting my own nose off?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 06/05/2019 11:01

“Children don’t benefit from being favoured by grandparents. It’s a lose lose situation.
It is either all or nothing.
Just politely decline op.”

Children also don’t benefit by being treated as a single entity. They do benefit from learning that everyone has different needs and wants. So favouritism is bad. Treating children as individuals not good. And for me the neon flashing sign in the original post is the older being “an absolute whinge”.

BertrandRussell · 06/05/2019 11:02

Sorry-treating children as individuals is good- obviously.

Frazzled8512 · 06/05/2019 11:15

You sound PO at your OH which I'm guessing is also to do with the falling out you had with mil/sil? What was it? Context and backstory can really change the original post.

Christmas 🙄 we take turns who's family we go to each year. We agreed first year we had DD that we would do one or the other so as not to drag DC's all over the globe and make them rush about Christmas morning. This year was the year to spend with my family and DH's family thought we should still be going there at some point Christmas Day. We were with them all of Christmas Eve. DH got barraged with guilt messages all day and was miserable that his family were upset but none of them could see that we were only doing this year exactly what we done last year with them. And fallout from that was MIL and SIL did not come to DD's birthday.

It was in no way me trying to stop them seeing DCs was so that DC's got to do Christmas at their own pace and not be rushed. Maybe something else I'm doing all wrong.

I have always getten on so well with them prior to this.

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Singlenotsingle · 06/05/2019 11:55

We all have Christmas day together, both sides of the family. We book a table somewhere and everyone chips in.

havingtochangeusernameagain · 06/05/2019 12:15

There’s a big difference between looking after a three year old and an 18 month year old so I can understand your ILs point of view

And there's a big difference between looking after one child and looking after two!

thewalrus · 06/05/2019 12:44

This is tricky - there's a lot going on in all the different relationships, isn't there.

I can understand that you'd love them to take both children for a bit, but I can also understand that that feels full on to them. My ILs (the nearby grandparents) used to have one child at a time - they liked to really focus on giving that one a nice time and would have found them all (I had 3 under 2 at one point!) hard to manage together.

Have they actually taken your little girl for the day/a sleepover? Because if they haven't yet, isn't there the option of just letting them and next time there's an offer, suggesting that they do something with your son instead (perhaps not a sleepover unless everyone is happy - he still seems pretty young for that to me).

It's a tricky balance - you want things to be fair, but you don't want to deny your kids opportunities (or yourself, if having one does feel easier to you). I'm super-alert to any signs of grandparental favouritism (we get a fair bit of it, mostly fairly minor - e.g. Grandad has watched masses of my nephews' sporting fixtures, but has only been to one of my son's and none of my daughter's; they tend to take the cousins on more elaborate/higher value days out that my kids would also love but don't get offered), but ultimately the grandparents do work hard at and value their relationships with all the grandchildren (and us!) and so I try hard to see the big picture (and have a good moan about it with DH when necessary).

Finally, as you've said, at 7 months pregnant with two little ones to care for, you're probably not feeling at your most rational and resilient. Tread lightly for now, if you can.

User199999999o9o999 · 06/05/2019 12:52

Well the definietely sound shit with christmas and the birthday so i get why you'd be concerned. I hope this year you do your own thing.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 06/05/2019 13:33

YABU, why does it have to benefit you re the sleepover? You obviously can get things done with two children otherwise you wouldn't have chosen to have a third.

When there are two children, the younger one does tend to take most of the attention so they are wise to ensure the older one gets some one to one time with family. At three, she is able to do more activities etc.

They are under no obligation to take them together. Once there are three, there's going to be even less time.

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