Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

AIBU to not want my in laws to only take one of my children?

83 replies

user1477472578 · 06/05/2019 06:48

Sorry first post so not hot on the abbreviations.
I have 2 children LG 3 and LB 1.5 I’m currently 7month pregnant so maybe this is clouding my judgement and emotions.
My MIL and SIL keep asking to only have my LG. They look after them both one day a week while I’m at work but any other chance they get to watch them they only want to take my LG. I know LB is a handful into everything but IMO he’s easier than LG who is an absolute winge.
I keep saying no as I hate the idea of one of them being left out, possibly the middle child in me, even though I know LB won’t have a clue what’s going on.
They say it’s because LG doesn’t get enough attention when LB’s around. What the hell do they think happens the rest of the week when I have them both????
They’ve now asked for one child to sleep over at the weekend and I’m furious. I’m fat, uncomfortable, shattered and very emotional at the moment this has tipped me over the edge. Of what benefit is this to me right now? I can’t get any rest or anything done as will still have one child so what’s the point? My OH is useless and thinks the sun shines out of their backsides and can’t see what’s wrong “it’ll be nice for THEM”
Am I just cutting my own nose off?

OP posts:

C8H10N4O2 · 06/05/2019 09:26

Lots of people would be happy to take a 3yr old over night but hesitate with an 18 month old.

They say it’s because LG doesn’t get enough attention when LB’s around. What the hell do they think happens the rest of the week when I have them both????

They probably have a point. You say LB is a handful and LG is a whinger. If LB demands most of the attention then whinging is a normal reaction from the (still young) older sibling. This could be a good opportunity for the eldest to be the focus rather than the whinger.

I generally liked older ones having this opportunity for some adult time with new babies in the house as it was hard to give enough attention to the eldest otherwise.

BlueMerchant · 06/05/2019 09:28

I've surprised myself as I thought I was going to say take both dc or neither however under these circumstances I think they are doing the right thing.
Lg, being a little older will be more aware of iminent new baby and I think it's likely a lot of attention is directed at her little brother 1.5 too, therefore I think in- laws are being lovely in asking just her for a sleepover. They are making her feel special.

Nonnymum · 06/05/2019 09:31

Wouldn't it be good for both your children to have done 1-1 time your daughter from her grandparents and your son from you. 3 is a difficult age and bring the eldest is also hard. Sorry but I don't think the grandparents are being unreasonable here

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

MarthasGinYard · 06/05/2019 09:34

'Of what benefit is this to me right now?'

It's not paid childcare so it's on their terms. I can quite understand that they don't want them both TBH.

What on earth will you do when Number three comes along? I'm presuming you won't expect anyone to have all three?

Singlenotsingle · 06/05/2019 09:40

As a MIL, I find that 2 dc together is hard work. Dgs6 on his own will play Lego, or board games. Dgd3 just wants to ruin the game because she's not getting attention, so they end up fighting. Plus she still wakes up several times a night so ATM I don't have her for sleepovers. I think that's fair.

You also have to remember that your parents and ILs are a lot older than you and get tired quicker. What happens when the new baby is here? MIL won't be able to have all three and you'll be making rod for your own back if you won't let her have just one.

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 06/05/2019 09:40

Sorry but you’ve chosen to have another baby so you need to get used to being knackered. I should know we had three under four at one point too. And a .ot of the time it’s just me with them. My mum often has the two oldest ones, she doesn’t have all three.
Your in laws are trying to do something nice I think and try to see it in the spirit in which it’s intended, perhaps they don’t feel up to having two of them together overnight. Unless they show zero interest in the younger one then you are being little bit difficult I think.

Frazzled8512 · 06/05/2019 09:41

Thanks everyone

I know I've had a massive falling out with MIL and SIL and really don't want my personal feelings to impact on DC's spending time with them. I don't want to be that person. I know how extremely lucky we are to have two sets of parents who are happy and willing to take our DC's while we're at work and I don't expect them to have them anymore than they already do.

Just I know how I would've felt when I was a child if my siblings got took somewhere without me. But maybe should worry more about this when DS is old enough to realise he's not invited (if it even goes on that long).

It is favouritism DD was very premature and is viewed differently because of this I just don't want her to get above herself and think she's special and deserves better treatment than anyone else. Just feel sorry for DS as he's never been treated the same, not that he knows.

I just need to suck it up and make the most of it as once there's 3 of them I'll probably be happy to take whatever gets offered if anything ha xx

Eustasiavye · 06/05/2019 09:44

I had this with my ex inlaws.
They would never have all my dc and favoured dd.
In hindsight their own dd got better treatment than their ds.
I'm none contact with them now, as are my dcs.

3dogs2cats · 06/05/2019 09:45

I don’t understand your issue. They sound lovely, and you can give your little boy, who will be the middle child, some 121 attention.

MarthasGinYard · 06/05/2019 09:46

Frazzled are you Op?

Have you NC already

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 06/05/2019 09:49

Shocker......people dont agree with her so theres a massive drip feed in an attempt to to make it seem reasonable.

OP, they do this and yet you let them have both of them, when it suits you?

80sMum · 06/05/2019 09:49

Sorry OP but I think YABU here.

I can see both sides. I've been a parent of young children and I know how tiring it can be and how grateful one is for a break when grandparents are willing and able to take a child off ones hands for a while, especially overnight.

My parents had my two DCs to stay with them for just one night in their whole childhood. My in-laws had my eldest on his own quite a few times, including overnight. But very, very rarely did they look after both DCs at the same time, and never overnight.

Now that I'm a grandparent, I understand why! Looking after young children when you're the grandparent is pretty exhausting. I know that I would find it very hard to cope with a 3-year-old and an 18-month-old individually, let alone together!! I would do it, of course, if it was an emergency, such as if their mum or dad was in hospital, but I'm afraid that I couldn't do it otherwise. I just don't have the energy that I had 20 or 30 years ago.

Teddybear45 · 06/05/2019 09:49

I don’t understand why you have an issue with this OP. If your 1.5 yo is a handful of course they won’t want him to stay over. I refuse to have over one of my nephews without his parents because he is really high maintenance; it doesn’t mean I love him less than my neice and other nephew!

SausageSimon · 06/05/2019 10:07

I'd try and think of your daughter in this, she would benefit from time with her grandparents without DS there interrupting. I think that is what they are meaning! They want to enjoy her and give her their full attention once in a while. She doesn't get that from you as you've said as DS is always there, so allow her that time to enjoy. Then they could have DS next time so you can have one on one with her

It'll be different when he's older and able to join in!

C8H10N4O2 · 06/05/2019 10:09

I just don't want her to get above herself and think she's special and deserves better treatment than anyone else

She is 3. She has already been taking second attention place since she was 18 months and shortly to share you with a new baby as well.

Girls in particular tend to be expected to "be good" when siblings come along and to be "mummy's little helper". Grab every opportunity for her to be the focus of someone's attention in her own right rather than the "whinger" taking second place to the "handful" toddler and a new baby.

BertrandRussell · 06/05/2019 10:16

“I just don't want her to get above herself and think she's special and deserves better treatment than anyone else.”

Blimey. Nor sure what to say to this, really. Maybe you could make the time dd is with MiL to focus on ds yourself so he has one to one time too?

GreenTulips · 06/05/2019 10:21

Mums SIL only ever took DSis (my sister) for sleepover I certainly knew I was left out and had no one to play with

Totally get where your coming from - I have three it’s all or nothing!

User199999999o9o999 · 06/05/2019 10:23

Yanbu. If they are always just wanting your dd and not your ds then i get why it makes you uncomfortable. Fair enough for overnight as dd is older and easier but the rest of the time,why leave the boy out?

I think the sleepover is about helping them not you. Is your OH going to take your ds somewhere while they do? Have you asked why they never take ds anywhere and chose him? Have you asked your OH?

User199999999o9o999 · 06/05/2019 10:26

Xpost, i understand you dont want ds to feel like he's not a favourite but your remarks on dd getting above herself and calling her a whinger makes me wonder...perhaps they all think you favor ds and are balancing the scales?

Mayalready · 06/05/2019 10:28

What is dc 3? I would be worried you have set the stage if it's a boy. Mil has the dd and you have the boys...
And once she starts her 'routine' of having dd I bet you find that's hard to stop. Overnights will be requested soon enough. That routine will stick, and so on.
No no no no no.

Frazzled8512 · 06/05/2019 10:40

"Frazzled are you Op?

Have you NC already "

Yes sorry not sure how to do all this and had to google see what you meant ha.

I have as little contact as I can get away with, MIL pulls faces and turns away when I speak, so it is uncomfortable when we're in the same space.

BertrandRussell · 06/05/2019 10:45

Oh, ffs.

If mil is vile to you then don’t use her a child care. Simple.

Frazzled8512 · 06/05/2019 10:46

"perhaps they all think you favor ds and are balancing the scales?"

Yeah can see this I just feel like I've done everything to keep DD happy and occupied and DS just kinda gets dragged along for the ride. She's had a lot of alone time with me as went to every baby class etc. Before DS Which he never did as everything we've done since he came along has been gated towards DD
should be viewing it as getting alone time myself with DS just timing is bad as I'm not on my top Mam form, whatever that is, at the moment for him.

RickOShay · 06/05/2019 10:48

Children don’t benefit from being favoured by grandparents. It’s a lose lose situation.
It is either all or nothing.

Just politely decline op.

User199999999o9o999 · 06/05/2019 10:53

What about OH? Can't he take them himself?

Unfortunately 2nd and 3rd children do have to slot in. They know no difference but the older children feel pushed out a bit.

What would you want? Them to take both? Neither?

You sound PO at your OH which I'm guessing is also to do with the falling out you had with mil/sil? What was it? Context and backstory can really change the original post.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread