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Original poster

I'm so ashamed about what I'm about to say

84 replies

soashamedmum · 26/04/2019 20:06

I'm fully prepared to be flamed by what I'm going to say as I know there are plenty of people that would do anything for a child but can't have them. I was one of them. Now any time away from them feels like a relief. Being a mum shouldn't feel like that and i hate myself for feeling like that so why do I?

I've got 3 very young children whose needs are all so different but I struggle to meet them all no matter how hard I try.

They all, especially the older 2, are so trying and testing. They do not listen. They fight. They ignore me no matter what I say. I make things fun for them and turn things into a game but any tactics I try fail. I then end up having to shout at them to do things and say things like "why can you not just listen. I've asked you so many times and now you're making mummy shout". I know that's totally inappropriate and I shouldn't say those things but I just get so angry by the
End of the day that I end up saying things I shouldn't. I always feel so guilty and angry at myself for getting to this point.

I don't know, maybe it's me that's not patient enough. May be I'm doing something wrong and restricting them too much. Or maybe I'm just a shit mum. And no matter how much I want to be a good mum to my kids, I just can't be. It's just so overwhelming.

For context I do get some support from my mum and my DH when they can but I'm alone with them for the majority of the day.

My kids are my world and I love them to bits. And when I am away from them I do miss them.

I feel like the worst mum whose kids are uncontrollable. They don't know how to sit and play nicely. Instead they are just running around throwing toys making a mess with toys they don't play with.

How do people find the time to manage every day things and play with their kids?

I just feel like I'm constantly feeding and cleaning their mess up all day and get nothing else done.

Sorry it's all a ramble. I'm just so tired and I can't think properly right now. I don't know what to do to make things better and I don't even know why I'm posting really other than to rant

OP posts:

maslinpan · 26/04/2019 20:10

Every single parent on this board will have had those feelings at one stage, you are not alone. The early years are tough, being tired all the time makes it all very overwhelming. I have no practical advice, but just want to say, don't be hard on yourself for having these feelings.

AnyFucker · 26/04/2019 20:12

this is so true

MrsKrabbapple · 26/04/2019 20:13

Bloody hell you are beating yourself up a bit much here! It’s not that bad.

They won’t be uncontrollable, they are just getting the better of you a bit at the moment.

How old are they?

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JellyCat1 · 26/04/2019 20:14

Sorry but I don't see anything in your post that you've said or done that you should feel guilty about. You sound very rational sane and loving - just wiped out. I feel exactly the same after a day with mine and I only have 2. Also feel very guilty at the anger flare ups when they happen, however I think we'd need to be robotic to never have them. It's not a bad thing for them to see that their behaviour has consequences and an effect on you too. How old are they?

1WayOrAnother · 26/04/2019 20:16

I love mine to bits too, but it's always a relief when they go to their dad's for a couple of days. I always wish for a bit longer when they're there. It can be overwhelming being a mum, I'd say it's normal to enjoy the time you have without them. Doesn't mean you never want them back, just means you're human! I feel like I have to add that I truly love my time with them as well but it's really really difficult at times without back up.

Downthecanal · 26/04/2019 20:16

I hear you. I was stood on my kitchen yesterday thinking ‘ I should have stopped at one’

It’s friggin tough. People say ‘it’s gets better’ but my eldest is 23 and my youngest is 2.5 they just have a different set of problems.

Try and get some time away from them as much as you can.

Mabellavender · 26/04/2019 20:16

I was you when I had my first three. They were born really close together and at one point for a short time I used to dread getting up because I knew it would be another day of being on my own ( or even worse making small talk with people I had nothing in common with at toddler groups) cleaning, changing nappies, telling them off and then more cleaning.

Looking back I wish I had just relaxed a bit more about worried about it, they were just normal kids and whenever you have more than a couple of kids together they usually tend to be a bit rowdy!

Don’t worry about telling them off( I used read too many books in different ways of parenting and question everything I was doing) and just remember it really does get so much easier as they get older.

JellyCat1 · 26/04/2019 20:17

So true indeed @AnyFucker The first coffee of the day after school drop off is my happy place !

kiki22 · 26/04/2019 20:18

Do you work?? Having a job keeps me sane and makes me a better mum.

Kids can be assholes.

fudesina · 26/04/2019 20:19

I just feel like I'm constantly feeding and cleaning their mess up all day and get nothing else done

I feel exactly like this! It totally does my head in and is utterly dull. I find it very hard to be at home surrounded my various tasks that need doing and achieving nothing. It's endless tidying

Mabellavender · 26/04/2019 20:19

Obviously it can be hard work as they get older but the general slog of cleaning, nappies, lack of sleep and naughty children just gets so much easier. My oldest three are 11,10 and 9 now and are an absolute pleasure. They help around the house and we have some brilliant conversations and they’re so funny. The only downside is sometimes they argue but so do most siblings.

Original poster

soashamedmum · 26/04/2019 20:22

Thank you guys for taking time to respond. They're 1,2 & 3.
I feel ashamed to say I really want time without them and guilty for shouting. I hate it and it's not the type of mum I want to be.
Your responses have made me feel better knowing it's not just me.
I just burst into tears and my eldest just looked at me like

OP posts:

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 26/04/2019 20:22

I have no idea how anyone manages this either, or even if they do. I have 3dc who are how you describe, plus another who is more happy to entertain herself/play/ draw. Mine would rather talk about the world/ snuggle/ help me with housework than play with toys a lot of the time but I still feel guilty for not playing with them. That said, they have one another to play with and time to run around, climb trees, do sports etc. They aren’t short on playtime! I think it’s more for my sake I’d like them to play nicely then tidy things away, but the best I get is a Half hearted effort before they’re on to the next thing , hence I’m trailing behind trying to keep on top of things! Yes, they get told off but they have a great childhood in general. They enjoy stuff like helping garden and cook, learning about plants, science, how stuff works. They always get excited to spend time with me so I know that even if it seems to me all I do is tidy and tell them off they see and experience it differently. I think some kids just dive into life headfirst. It might not fit with how I expected parenthood to be, but it’s their way!

divafever99 · 26/04/2019 20:23

Being a mum to small children can be relentless, and as you say it can just feel like constant feeding and cleaning and never managing to get anything done. I love my dc but I have to admit I do sometimes breath a sigh of relief when I have packed them both of to school, especially if they have been constantly bickering. You don't say on your op but it sounds like you are a sahm? Being at home all day is hard work, and I think you are being hard on yourself. I am a patient person but most days I end up being shouty, which I instantly regret, but sometimes the exhaustion and dc squabbling/not listening can get too much.

MaverickSnoopy · 26/04/2019 20:26

OP are you me?

I probably could have written your post (minus the running with toys). I have a 7yo, 2yo and 6mo - it's soooooooo exhausting. Both DH and I currently in the process of setting up our own business's, 6mo has started her day at 4am for the last 3 months, all children have varying additional needs. I cannot remember the last time DH and I spent any meaningful time together. Just started weaning and my day has gone from having some kind of structure to a day of constant feeding and wiping up food.

Today I didn't even manage to make dinner - DH had to do it when he got in and so kids went to bed late, which inevitably meant that 2yo was running around like a banshee. My 7yo didn't get a look in as she was trying to read me her book. DH was sat feeding baby with one hand and working with the other. It's unsustainable and I'll be talking to him tonight. Not sure to what end though. I'm thinking that we need a new bedtime routine - one that separates the two oldest.

No real advice. Is your TV on much? I find my children calmer and happier if it's off and they have things to do. I have also resorted to putting classic fm on before which really calms them down. Only other advice is to try and squeeze in one to one time. Sat with 7yo last weekend at the table when she was doing a puzzle and I ate my breakfast. She was thrilled. Simple things help. This week I've started doing breakfast at the big table instead of kids table. Night before I lay out bowls, cereal, butter, jam etc and in the morning I simply get 7yo to add water, milk and toast and then I take myself in a cup of tea and we all eat together. Breakfast time has gone from me waiting on the kids and eating as I dash around, to me sitting and eating breakfast AND having a cup of tea! Everything is calmer and we're getting out the door on time in the mornings.

Don't be so hard on yourself being a parent to 3 is a game changer.

Original poster

soashamedmum · 26/04/2019 20:26

I'm mostly a SAHM and work a day a week.

I find myself getting worked up about little things like them not keeping their toys together. I'm forever finding pens lying around with lids off which obv isn't safe for my 1 year old. Then they get annoyed at me for not having pens because they've lost them or they've dries up

OP posts:

MrsJonesAndMe · 26/04/2019 20:28

You have 3 aged 3 and under, that's going to be guerrilla warfare. They won't yet know how to play and interact or have the attention span to sit and do something. That really does come with time.

Is the 3yo in nursery and if not can they start? It might seem like more work to get them there and back, but it will give you a bit of a breather and help them grow and conform a bit.

and

Original poster

soashamedmum · 26/04/2019 20:29

Maybe there routine I have at the moment isn't working. They just all seem to have a different routing at lunch time and it doesn't work

OP posts:

kiki22 · 26/04/2019 20:30

They're 1,2 & 3.

Jesus wept OP that would break me I have a 2 and 7 year old with a 12 year old at weekend and it's hard work.

Frazzled2207 · 26/04/2019 20:34

I totally hear you. I would say it gets (a bit) better. Mine are now 3 and 5 and you can at least have proper conversations with them most of the time which helps a lot when they are whingey.

I was a sham for a while and paid for childcare even though I didn't strictly speaking need to. Just needed the peace and space.

I remember well when they were much younger going out to the shops by myself when my husband was home and driving back up the hill to my house wondering if maybe I should just keep driving . I did pull up and take a few minutes, but suffice to say I did go home.

TooMinty · 26/04/2019 20:34

1,2 & 3 - that's a hard gig OP

Pick your battles, lower your housework standards and use all the short cuts/hacks you can. If you can afford to pay for help then do, if not then never turn down free help. And don't feel ashamed about needing time for yourself. and for you x

TraceyLP · 26/04/2019 20:37

Hi OP,
If you are looking after children of 1,2 and 3 years all day then I am in awe. I have a 16 month old and looking after him is hard work (I also have a 9 year old but he is no bother). It is tiring and relentless with the lack of downtime/personal space and that is only with one.

You are doing a good job. I think perhaps you get upset and angry at yourself because you have such high expectations of yourself and what family life should be and then get cross with yourself when you don't live up to them. With three children of those ages you need to lower those expectations right down! If everyone is safe, fed and clean(ish) at the end of the day then you have done a good job. Pinching a saying from "Finding Nemo" make "just keep swimming" your mantra. One day your children will have school and nursery and you can drink a cup of tea that isn't cold, until then just keep swimming.

formerbabe · 26/04/2019 20:39

Now any time away from them feels like a relief

I thought everyone felt like this

TooBusyHavingFun · 26/04/2019 20:40

OP - ask for support with behaviour management strategies from your health visitor and/or children centre, there is alot of support out there available.

Leeds2 · 26/04/2019 20:40

Would your DH look after all three at the weekend, whilst you go out and do something just for you, by yourself? Even if it is drinking coffee in Costa.
Could your mum take maybe just one of them, to give you a bit less stress for a morning or afternoon?
Is your 3 year old in, or about to start, nursery? It will help when s/he does!

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