I'm so ashamed about what I'm about to say

[soashamedmum]

I'm fully prepared to be flamed by what I'm going to say as I know there are plenty of people that would do anything for a child but can't have them. I was one of them. Now any time away from them feels like a relief. Being a mum shouldn't feel like that and i hate myself for feeling like that so why do I?

I've got 3 very young children whose needs are all so different but I struggle to meet them all no matter how hard I try.

They all, especially the older 2, are so trying and testing. They do not listen. They fight. They ignore me no matter what I say. I make things fun for them and turn things into a game but any tactics I try fail. I then end up having to shout at them to do things and say things like "why can you not just listen. I've asked you so many times and now you're making mummy shout". I know that's totally inappropriate and I shouldn't say those things but I just get so angry by the
End of the day that I end up saying things I shouldn't. I always feel so guilty and angry at myself for getting to this point.

I don't know, maybe it's me that's not patient enough. May be I'm doing something wrong and restricting them too much. Or maybe I'm just a shit mum. And no matter how much I want to be a good mum to my kids, I just can't be. It's just so overwhelming.

For context I do get some support from my mum and my DH when they can but I'm alone with them for the majority of the day.

My kids are my world and I love them to bits. And when I am away from them I do miss them.

I feel like the worst mum whose kids are uncontrollable. They don't know how to sit and play nicely. Instead they are just running around throwing toys making a mess with toys they don't play with.

How do people find the time to manage every day things and play with their kids?

I just feel like I'm constantly feeding and cleaning their mess up all day and get nothing else done.

Sorry it's all a ramble. I'm just so tired and I can't think properly right now. I don't know what to do to make things better and I don't even know why I'm posting really other than to rant

Everything in your OP sounds totally normal for someone with young children.

You have had three kids in three years? So basically you have been pregnant for 30 months, done three sets of sleepless nights and are currently tending to an infant and two toddlers? Lady you are my new hero!

I've got a 2 yr old DS and I look forward to his nap every day and feel cheated when he wakes up early. I'm pretty sure it's normal to want a break from your kids.

Blimey, 1, 2 and 3? Good lord, I’m not surprised you’re at your wits end! I had PND and anxiety and only have one dd (now 19; hang in there!) and she had me at my wits end a lot of the time.

Please don’t be too hard on yourself. Is 3 yr old going to nursery any time soon?

I have said in anger that had I known how hard being a mum was I would have bred red setters instead... I was only half joking!

Mine have the same age gap as yours. I have 3 boys now 8, 9 & 10. I feel your pain. It is hard, in lots of ways it is easier as they get older in lots of ways it is harder.
Don't feel guilty you are doing an amazing job. I still some days feel like I need time away from them and often am still shouty Mum! Then I feel guilty, I muck up all the time and do or say things I always swore I never would as a parent. Being a Mum is hard but they know they are loved that is the main thing.
I have always worked full time and although if we could have afforded for me to stay at home I probably would have chosen to I do think the job has kept me sane. Being at home most of the time is hard work.
I think you should give yourself a break and think of all the positives and all the amazing things that you do with them.

I've got 2 dgc. One's 6, the others 3. I can only have one sleeping over at a time, as the fighting wears me out. You mums don't have that option.

God, I felt like you when I was on mat leave and I only have one!! DD is 10 months and I went back to work Monday-Thurs one month ago. She is a 'difficult' baby but jesus christ I can't imagine keeping children the same age as yours all alive and fed and clean in a day never mind anything else, you are doing amazing!!! You are being waaaay too hard on yourself and possibly stressing about things because you have too high expectations I think. I reckon if you came to my house and watched me flounder with DD on a Friday you might feel better . Having said that, going back to work 4 days a week has really helped me deal with my time with DD better and not get so worked up so easily with her constant crying and tantrums and feeling of never ever ending cleaning etc, I value the time with her more now I have less of it which might sound mean but it's true.

Pretend you're looking after someone else's kids or that you're an actual nursery nurse when they get a bit too much. Imagine all the patience you'd have

Preparation is key. That does mean squeezing in stuff ahead of time. Pre-packing bags and lining up coats, shoes and change bag is a help. Nothing worse than trying to find a missing shoe when the eldest is squealing to go out and the other one is crying

Don't expect too much. At that age they have attention span of a fly.

Separation and distraction is useful for shutting down a fight. A sudden "WOW was that a purple dragon I saw flying over that ROOF?!" Some conflicts can't be resolved and it would drive you mad to try to reason with a 2yo, so just distract as much as possible. Separation - even if it's to get the 3yo to wash their hands at the sink or ask them to go and get something, or check if there's any post through the letterbox, or whether it's raining outside. Doesn't always have to be a "punishment" or obvious separation.

Sounds like you're a lovely caring mum. Things will get better as they get older!

Can you access free childcare for the 3yo?

My goodness, I only have one. She is funny, super creative and very very defiant. I am sometimes amazed at how many different ways she can find to be naughty and unhelpful. I am quite rubbish a lot of the time I think. DH and I thought we were going to be good parents. Maybe not the best but good. We actually graded ourselves recently and decided I was B+ and he was B-...

I have not idea what I would do with a 1, 2 and 3 year old. Probably go mad. If you have not gone mad and they are still alive and well I really don't think anyone's in a position to criticise (except maybe the couple I saw in the park once with their identical triplets).

I like the advice about pretending you're a nursery nurse. You can also go full on day nursery and have a schedule written up somewhere so that at least however badly things have gone, you only have to think about 1/2 hour at a time.

I wonder if you could use a bit of childcare strategically so you can get it down to 2 of the 3 now and again? You might find some combinations that work. My DD used to fight terribly with any DC of the same age that came for play dates but plays quite nicely with babies, for instance (I think it makes her feel grown up).

Another one saying go easy on yourself! 3 aged 3 and under?! Wow! Just getting through the days will be an achievement for now. Can u organise half a day to yourself once a week or fortnight?
Yes to a cleaner if you can afford it.
It's normal to feel like that. Can u go back to work for a couple of days a week?

Anyone would find that overwhelming. Can you get the three year old free nursery hours? In certain circumstances I think they offer hours for two year olds as well.

Sure it us overwhelmimg. But you chose to have them so quickly in that order. Not a popular opinion but that’s the blunt truth.

I hear people say all the time that they wish they could turn back time to when they were younger.... I think hell no.... enjoying parenthood much more now they are older. I found the early years tough.

Bit harsh CropRotation
Choosing to have children doesn't mean that OP doesn't have the right to find them challenging at times, get tired or ask for advice.
Lots of people choose challenging careers for example and at times suffer burn out ..we don't just say "you chose to be a nurse..." (at least supportive/helpful people don't)

How is that in any way helpful croprotationinthe13thcentury?

I had 3 under 3 (not entirely planned) and I look back in horror at just how stressed I was. I remember with shame screaming at them to just tidy up after themselves. They were rare times we sat and did jigsaws/board games.
I look back and feel guilty that was just getting through it rather than having all those special moments I should have been having. My attempts at picnics in the garden, crafts etc always seemed to end up with me feeling frustrated that they weren’t appreciating it as much as I hoped.
But my children are now young adults and are some of the loveliest, most well-adjusted I know (and - yes- I know I am biased).
All I can say is enjoy what you can, don’t beat yourself up that you are not perfect. My best advice is - when they are driving you mad take them out. Fresh air is your friend. It gets so much better when they are a bit older. You get your proper ‘with children’ friends and can socialise while keeping the children happy because other children are there.

And try and get away for a weekend. Recharge your batteries and carry on. Xxxx

croprotationinthe13thcentury your not fucking helpful at all. Blunt truth

1,2 and three! It would be a bit weird it you didn’t find it difficult to be honest.

I think if you are looking for advice, then as an older person whose DC are fully grown now I would say the following:

1. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
2. If you don’t want your children to shout, then don’t shout.
3. Remove a lot of their toys, they will probably be overwhelmed with the amount they have. Put them away and rotate each couple of months.
4. Pick your battles with toddlers.
5. If you have support, take 1 child out for a few hours, leave the other two with your mum, listen to them, show them how to listen to you and the trees and birds etc this will help them to be heard and to hear.

You are most likely going a grand job OP every parent of 3 children under 4 us going through what you are right now.

It will get better. You will survive!
I also had 1,2,3 (in fact all three in just over 2 years) and looking back at the photos... OMG I looked permanently exhausted and shell shocked!! No1's hobby was tormenting no 2 for many years and it seemed like all I was doing was refereeing fights and cleaning up.

Guilt ridden for not being a perfect parent every day (or very often!)

Guess what... they survived, we survived (and had a 4th) and many years later I have 4 young adults who are incredibly close..all of them, and who don't remember the no fun Mum but remember us being a big happy, busy family.

Hang in there... soon they will be in nursery and it WILL get better!

You’ve just described every single parent in history.

And it’s okay to feel awful when you shout. Don’t forget some of that is just the post-adrenalin feeling - it’s never (usually) really as bad as you think it is. The ones who need to worry about the shouting are the ones that don’t.

You sound completely normal.

I had a thrilling 10 minute drive across town on my own this evening. Bliss. (Working lone parent). Now I can't wait for them to go to bed. I will shout at some point.

1,2 and 3!! You deserve a medal. What you are doing is REALLY hard work. Try not to beat yourself up and give yourself a break. You're really trying. Life is bound to be challenging and you will be exhausted constantly. It sounds like you need more support and some time to yourself now and then. Maybe talk to your Mum and husband and see how they can better support you, also talk to the HV.