I'm so ashamed about what I'm about to say

[soashamedmum]

I'm fully prepared to be flamed by what I'm going to say as I know there are plenty of people that would do anything for a child but can't have them. I was one of them. Now any time away from them feels like a relief. Being a mum shouldn't feel like that and i hate myself for feeling like that so why do I?

I've got 3 very young children whose needs are all so different but I struggle to meet them all no matter how hard I try.

They all, especially the older 2, are so trying and testing. They do not listen. They fight. They ignore me no matter what I say. I make things fun for them and turn things into a game but any tactics I try fail. I then end up having to shout at them to do things and say things like "why can you not just listen. I've asked you so many times and now you're making mummy shout". I know that's totally inappropriate and I shouldn't say those things but I just get so angry by the
End of the day that I end up saying things I shouldn't. I always feel so guilty and angry at myself for getting to this point.

I don't know, maybe it's me that's not patient enough. May be I'm doing something wrong and restricting them too much. Or maybe I'm just a shit mum. And no matter how much I want to be a good mum to my kids, I just can't be. It's just so overwhelming.

For context I do get some support from my mum and my DH when they can but I'm alone with them for the majority of the day.

My kids are my world and I love them to bits. And when I am away from them I do miss them.

I feel like the worst mum whose kids are uncontrollable. They don't know how to sit and play nicely. Instead they are just running around throwing toys making a mess with toys they don't play with.

How do people find the time to manage every day things and play with their kids?

I just feel like I'm constantly feeding and cleaning their mess up all day and get nothing else done.

Sorry it's all a ramble. I'm just so tired and I can't think properly right now. I don't know what to do to make things better and I don't even know why I'm posting really other than to rant

This may not be the most supportive thing to say but my God I needed to read this today, and the responses too - thank you OP for articulating exactly how I was feeling today (and I've only got 2 under 2) right down to the mess and the shouting. I have a very strong willed 20 month old who needs an insane amount of stimulation (and whose behaviour has massively deteriorated since number 2 came aong) and a 2 month old who I constantly feel I am neglecting. My husband is never home before 8 o'clock so I do bath time by myself 5 nights a week. My newborn is being sleep trained by default and I hate leaving her crying for so long but have no choice when I'm bathing the toddler. I often spend a good 1-2 hours tag teaming between crying babies before I get them both down. I loved my first mat leave so much and I absolutely hate this one so far.

So apologies - that was a therapeutic rant but also hugs and flowers to you managing 3 under 3. As a PP said - you are literally a hero and you sound lovely. I feel like even on this site people don't talk enough about how mind numbingly demoralising looking after young children can be. I also had fertility issues and feel like I'm not allowed to complain - ever. You are most definitely not alone x x x

Mother of Christ fella, a 1, 2 and 3 yo is the type of thing that would scare battlehardened SAS vets.

As a PP said, look into childcare for the 3yo. Depending on income you could get assistance for the 2yo.

I have a 3 yo and a 1 yo with a baby on the way. They are in nursery 3 days a week at the moment. When the Easter weekend rolled round it damn near killed me.

I take my hat off to you for doing it solo six days a week.

However if you are losing your temper more and more somethings gotta give so yes please do investigate childcare for the 3 yo state funded x

youve got your hands full and its relentless right now, but you will reap the benefits later.
I would make the most of stuff like soft play or toddler groups where they are enclosed and cant get out. Try and get out somewhere every day. Try and get the oldest into nursery
Is there any way you can get a cleaner or something.
They are uncontrollable because they are babies and toddlers. Thats why they make them cute.

Oh, dear, OP. I've been there SO many times. I expect almost all parents have, especially those of us who have very little help.

Practical suggestions:

1. Childminder? Someone to help take the weight off every now and again? When my kids were pre-nursery I did a swap with another mother a couple of times a week, even just an hour or so can be a huge help.

1. Get a big plastic crate or crates and have a good clear out (when the kids aren't about). You need far less than you think. Stick boxes in attic if you dont' want to get rid of them - just clear stuff AWAY. There's a great book - you may not have time to read it - called 'Simplicity parenting', that advocates massively reducing toys, clothes, stuff etc. Calmer kids, less time spent picking up the shite. Also, routines. Structure. Even if it's just 'go to the park for 10am'.

1. Other parents. Here is good, toddlers' groups, etc. Some are - I'm afraid - horrible, some are lifesaving. Keep trying.

It gets easier. You will be okay. They will be okay. Take heart. xxx

You don't have to play with your kids - they can play with each other, the idea of parents playing much with kids is a newish one and not necessarily a helpful one. Kids learn plenty playing with one another and a lot of parents frankly don't enjoy playing with kids, and that's fine. It's not a necessity.

The sort of shouting your talking about sounds totally normal - kids are resilient, we'd all be headcases if we couldn't take our parents getting cross regularly. You're not hurling insults at them or belittling them, you're telling them their behaviour has made you angry.

Nonetheless, would highly recommend buying 'How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk' to give you some helpful techniques to feel more in control.

Ps: OP I don’t know what help you get at weekends but I took up Parkrun as a 100% me time thing at a set time every Saturday to just get the heck out and DO SOMETHING that required thought and determination so I didn’t a) miss the little ones or b) think too hard about how stressed DH would be at that given time.

Other than 12, 13 and 14, you're on the most difficult ages.

The eldest will be at Nursery class/Preschool soon, which will give you a bit of a rest. The next one can go into playgroup at roughly the same time (it was two and a half in my area) and will hopefully be looking at coming out of daytime nappies at about the same time. If you're lucky, you could end up with two off having a lovely time for the morning, leaving you with just the one.

Then it's a short period to get through until you're starting on full time school, just as the youngest is starting their playgroup/preschool and coming out of nappies. From 3 and a half to four, they usually start getting a bit more reasonable - a conversation is a lot better when they have the vocabulary to witter on about Spiderman or dinosaurs, rather than WAAAAAAA MY CAR!!!

In short, it's not that long before you have all three in school, all able to feed themselves, get dressed of sorts, watch Paw Patrol and can be distracted by books, colouring or other things. Maybe even listen to reason, too.

It's intense now, but it means there will be less intensity later - even their bedtimes can be coordinated so you have time alone just don't make any more as you won't be trying to deal with a 7 year old and a newborn, for example.

In terms of tidying, you'll need to be brutal. No pens. Crayons can be used, they don't dry up, they don't trash clothing and any ground into the floor can be cleaned up - if drawing on the walls is an issue, just don't have them for a while until you're able mentally to supervise them.

Put the toys in crates and put them away. Just leave a couple of things. If they don't play with them either, fine. Let them have a cardboard box each to fight over instead.

And, if all else fails - have you considered increasing your working days? It's a lot less stress to deal with children for two days a week, evenings and weekends than it is six out of seven.

You aren't a bad mum, you're a tired and overwhelmed one. A bad mum is a world away from what you are doing, which is trying your hardest in extremely trying circumstances.

Also, FWIW, the mums of lots of children close together that I know and would describe as 'good' run their homes with military precision. They cut out the distractions, the extra stuff, the clutter.

If one has a tantrum, they are left to have that tantrum whilst the others are engaged. If one hits another, they are gently removed from striking distance and left to whinge.

There is one choice for breakfast - eat it or don't (usually something that can be picked up like toast or fruit, never cereal). If one refuses socks, they are ignored whilst the others have their socks put on and after the others are all sorted with socks, shoes and clothes, they return to the sockless fugitive.

It's awe inspiring to watch, because whilst you might think that everything just sails over their head, it's more that they are determined that nobody learns hitting their sister or screaming gets them their own way and that nothing controls Mummy, because she's in charge.

And children, like animals, can be trained through consistency and positive reinforcement. When they learn what is expected and nothing will deter Mummy from what happens, they (SN notwithstanding, but is still very possible) fall in with the rest. Because you're a team.

But a team needs a calm and collected team leader first of all.

(Even if that leader needs earplugs or to lock themselves in the toilet occasionally).

In some cases/places, you can get free or subsidesed nursery places for 2 year olds too. I would speak to your health visitor about how low youre feeling. They might well be able to offer you some support

Get back to work. I only had two DC and couldn't stand being at home too much, I went back at 4 and 5 months. Felt 1000% better. Outsource the crap. Worth every penny of childcare. And make sure your contraception is watertight.

I've only got the one DC and I have had this problem before - hang in there! Sometimes/most days the TV is a godsend for getting housework or cooking done. Also I invested in multiple toyboxes with heavy enough lids that are sturdy enough for me to store other stuff on top - now only adults can open those - so now only half of the toys are accessible to kids at a time - I swap out toys that aren't being used much (or are annoying me) from time to time, and some toys - particularly sets where it would be annoying to lose part of the set, and things that can cause mess only come out when I'm directly supervising and know that DC will be finished playing with them before I need to do anything else

Also sometimes colleges will have people doing child care qualifications who can come and help you to gain experience. My friend had this when hers were really little. I think they have to be under a certain age, but worth checking

I had a similar age gap with my first 3 (I wanted 4 in quick succession but DH took a few years to be convinced so 4th arrived a bit later).

Anyway having been there with 3 under 3 my strategy was exercise them lots by going out every morning. As they were close in age it was easier, so toddler groups, gymnastics, indoor play areas, swimming (local pool had a crèche attached so I could take one at a time), some library’s had special occasional events for children so we’d go along... I was constantly seeking out child friendly events in my local area!
I met mum friends (through groups or work, I worked a couple of evenings a week) and we’d meet up in each other’s houses.

So mornings out then home and lunch, naps and house stuff catchup. Smallest one was always quite happy in front of the washing machine.

Bedtime was always by 7, they’d been exercised so were tired, and it was great, peace and quiet!

3 under 3 is chaos and like herding cats but I always found it was best to get them out most days.

I had 3 under 3 as well. Are you still here, OP?

Bless you! I'm in admiration of anyone in your situation with 3 kids so young who is still trying to be perfect. Just leave the mess when it gets too much. I did! And try to laugh with them when you can. Life is very different when you stop feeling so tired. You sound just fine. Do you need to lower your standards in order to enjoy yourself more?

Oh bless you, my heart goes out to you!
I echo what pp have said, this too will pass and get at least an hour or two when their father looks after them.

There used to be a scheme called HomeStart where volunteers would come to give carers and parents of young children a helping hand or a break. That's probably been lost in the Austerity Programme, (why would anyone want to support those raising the next generation?) but you could search for you local Association of Voluntary Organisations (ours here in Gwent is GAVO); they might have lists of groups that could help.

Sending a big Cwtch and hope that they do that thing where they are irresistible all at the same time to keep you going!

OP I'm quite sure you are me. My youngest are just turned 4, 2 and 1 and it's so, so hard! All I seem to do is shout at them and they just don't listen either!

I'm really sorry in that I have no practical advice, I'm trying to wing my way through it somehow too. I've had to drastically lower my standards and accept that things are, for now, not as I'd like.
Playgroup has eased things considerably as it means I get a few hours alone with the youngest and can tidy round, prepare dinner etc (or just sit drink a coffee in a sleep deprived daze).
It will get better, you are not a bad Mummy, just trying to do the best you can in an incredibly difficult situation.
Be kind to yourself

3 under 3 is bound to be really tough op and that's ok to say, you know it is.

My four are 10, 8 and dt 4, im a sahm but today I had to take the 8yo to hospital because dh doesn't listen so dh came home for the twins, I swear he was about bursting when i got in "how do you cope" you just do don't you.

My 8 and 10 argue a lot, the 8yo picks one twin to be her friend and shun the other etc. They are wee shits sometimes, but by fuck they love each other and no matter how angry I may get, and of course I've shouted at times, I'm still a good mum.

Wow, listen to MitziK. I wish I had heard that advice when mine were small. No.1 good piece of advice - teach them now that nobody controls Mummy, or by age 15 life gets really tough!!

Is your 3 year old starting school in September? I had 3 at home for a year before the oldest started school and it nearly broke me so do not beat yourself up. I laugh at threads where women talk about how easy life is for SAHM' s and I remember those early years of 3 little one and cannot imagine a job more difficult. All I can say is that it will start to feel easier and school brings a bit of routine although I was always late!! And if you can survive these first few years you can survive anything, even 3 teenagers, which some days makes me want to be back to babies!

Now any time away from them feels like a relief. Being a mum shouldn't feel like that

Pretty sure most parents feel like that- especially SAHP.
Go easy on yourself, you sound completely normal ☺

Not sure if it is still the case but mum at DD's nursery once had a "nanny" help because she had three under four. They were students from the local college, studying child care and were there for practical work.

She said while some where not ideal it really gave her a break, especially as she had one set of twins. The "nanny" would play with the little ones to give her time for the older or the other way round. Or even just to sit and drink a cup of tea and eat something/take a shower.

Maybe check with your HV if there is some kind of scheme or other support available or if there is any way you can get a pre school place.

I'm still here! Sorry I've just been sorting some things out.
I'm so thankful for all your replies and advice. I will take them on board once I've been able to read and process them all properly.
X

Oh you poor thing OP! I can’t imagine any family situation being more difficult to cope with than 3 children under 4 years. You are doing an AMAZING job, really you are.

Please don’t beat yourself up about your perceived failings. I’d like to see anyone doing better!

My (4) kids are grown up now, but I sometimes look back and wonder how on Earth I managed, but I did. And so will you!

The very fact that you’re worried about not giving the children everything they need is proof that you’re a good parent, and want to do your best for your them.

You deserve a medal, OP!

Man you are being way too hard on yourself. Of course you love them and obviously want the best for them but they are very young and anybody would find that hard to be with kids that little.
I get what you’re saying though because you feel guilty for feeling these things. It completely normal to feel like you do, don’t feel bad because it is what it is. I used to feel so bad for my thoughts.
You will look back one day ( sorry don’t want to patronize you) and think far out that was really hard but you’re doing it and you’re doing it well now.