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Original poster

DH in serious accident

39 replies

Ihatesoddingcancer · 21/04/2019 22:11

I don’t want to give away to many identifying details, but DH was involved in a serious accident last week.
He’s now out of hospital, and I’m looking after him, but I am really struggling with how awful it was. He remembers very little luckily, but I keep reliving how ill he was and how terrifying all the shouting doctors and nurses were.
I’ve been told several times how lucky we are to still have him, and I keep reliving it all.
Does anyone have any advice? DS is thankfully too young to know that something awful happened, and understands that daddy is feeling poorly - but I feel completely at sea

OP posts:

ImogenTubbs · 21/04/2019 22:15

I'm so sorry to hear that OP. My husband suffered a brain injury about a year ago and has been very ill with it. Caring for him has been the hardest thing I've ever done. All I can say is ask for help if you can and remember that you are dealing with shock and grief as well - not just him, and you need time to process it. If you can get to bed earlier or try and carve out even a few minutes quiet time where you can have a coffee in peace without having to think about someone else's needs - take it! Do you have family, friends or other support you can call on?

Original poster

Ihatesoddingcancer · 21/04/2019 22:20

So sorry to hear that you’ve been through similar. People are being very kind, and are taking DS for days out and my parents have been here as well.
I suppose I’m just venting a little bit. He has done very well so far, but it’s the thought that we came so close to losing him. I’m now struggling to let him out of my sight. Im trying to rationalise it by thinking it’s only been 10 days, but it’s very difficult to leave him. Just to pop to the shops even.
How is your husband now?

OP posts:

Shitsngiggles79 · 21/04/2019 22:24

DH had an allergic reaction to some medication he'd never had a year ago and seeing him hooked up to all the machines with the crash team ready to work on him still affects me, luckily they stopped the reaction and he didn't need the team.

You need to keep looking at the fact you have him and he will get better, you will have flash backs but they will reduce in time, its important for you to talk to someone, whether its a family member with an emotional attachment to you or an unrelated professional. Its also okay not to be okay about this yet, trauma reactions are totally normal, sending my love to you.

magicalleeks · 21/04/2019 22:25

MistyReturns · 21/04/2019 22:25

You could be suffering something like PTSD. Can you make a gp appointment?
I work as a care support worker. I go into homes of Parkinson's/ Demetria/Alzheimer's/brain trauma sufferers to sit whilst the carers get to have a couple of hours respite. Do you have a service like that in your area? I find most of my carers have (for example) a 3 hour slot and they only spend 2 hours going out & the other hour is quite often venting/chatting to me.

It's hard work looking after somebody you care for. If you can spread the load - do it.

Original poster

Ihatesoddingcancer · 21/04/2019 22:31

Thank you for all making me feel slightly more sane! I was spinning out thinking ‘he’s fine, what’s my problem?’
I thought it may be too early for PTSD, but if I can get someone to look after him and DS, I will pop along to GP.
Misty, I have no idea but I will certainly look at it. His parents are no longer alive, and his brother isn’t in a position to help us out, so that could be invaluable. I will do some research.

OP posts:

ImogenTubbs · 21/04/2019 22:33

That's so kind of you to ask, OP. He's much much better but not quite as he was before and still has bad days. Its good that you have kind people around you! 10 days is not long at all, and what you're feeling sounds totally normal - it's areally scary thing to happen and changes your outlook. You both need time.

Amammi · 21/04/2019 22:36

It’s very early days you are probably still in shock. Once the dust settles use this as an opportunity to chat things through with your DH - go over some practical things like your wills,what insurance and life cover you both have in place etc. these will all give you a feeling of taking control. I’m sorry this happened to your family - you will all hug each other tighter for a while and that’s ok.

Island35 · 21/04/2019 22:39

OP, I'm really sorry to hear you've been through this. I was treated for PTSD for something different last year and it really helps, the constant talking over helped deal with the facts. Even if it's not PTSD looking into the possible channels for you to simply talk will help. You're dealing with your whole family unit right now, make sure you give yourself some time.

doowapwap · 21/04/2019 22:40

I can relate. My DC was involved in a terrifying accident last year and it was so unbelievably traumatic. It's really difficult to cope with seeing someone you love so much, in that condition. Be kind to yourself, let yourself see it, don't try to stop your brain from remembering because that will lead to problems further down the road. I tried to block the images, but then realised I needed to see it, I needed to face it, as hard as it is. I have PTSD and I'm waiting to get the help I really need.

If you need to chat, feel free to message me. It's so hard, and not everyone can understand. It's a long road to recovery for you too. Its hard when your life is impacted so much, mine was too. And seeing scars etc is hard for me and takes me right back.

But you will get better and you will be able to move on. I'm hoping your dh makes a good recovery and you can both put it in the past and move forward together

SolitudeAtAltitude · 21/04/2019 22:44

Does it help to talk about it?

DH was in very bad state with anaphylactic shock once, and the 20 minutes it took tye ambulance to come were so long.

I was really shaken up after, though DH seemed less aware of quite how bad it was.

It really helped me to talk to friends (shamelessly talking about myself, and how I felt, not just about him)

In situations like this, you tend to hold it together and step up and be the strong one, but you have to allow yourself time to process it properly. Talk can be a good way to do this

Glad your DH is ok now!

SandunesAndRainclouds · 21/04/2019 22:46

I can relate too. My DD was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago (I posted here a lot about it!) and I’ll never get the sight of her post surgery out of my mind. It is traumatic. I’ve since had counselling which has helped, and I wish I’d had someone to talk to while it was happening rather than months later.

Here’s hoping to a speedy recovery for your DH, and for you too

MitziK · 21/04/2019 22:48

It sounds completely natural.

We're unfortunately in the opposite situation where somebody isn't coming home. I am very glad that you aren't in our shoes, because this is horrible and so very, very sad - but there aren't any might have beens or what ifs - it's happened and we can't change it. I think, had he been not quite so catastrophically injured, it would have been far, far harder in the coming months.

Definitely, you need access to support and counselling to get through this time. I can't think of any reason why anybody could say you wouldn't need it - because you're dealing with something so horrible, as it's happened to you as well as your DH. Differently, but it's still happened to you, too.

Original poster

Ihatesoddingcancer · 21/04/2019 22:49

You are all so wonderful. I’m sitting here in tears, feeling far better already.
It was just the panic. And that no one could tell us anything. The hospital were wonderful, and I feel so grateful he got such wonderful care. It’s almost like I’m unable to rid myself of the adrenaline from that night.
He’s very calm and rational by nature, which is part of the reason I think we work so well together. But I don’t want him to think I’m somehow making his ordeal about me by seeking help. He is the important one right now, if that makes sense at all.

OP posts:

Poppyinafieldofdreams · 21/04/2019 22:51

I cared for my DP for six months or more and at the end they recovered and I collapsed and still can’t get out of it. I don’t know what to do either. People in our position are totally overlooked.

RunSweatLaughAndLatte · 21/04/2019 22:53

Sounds natural given the circumstances, sorry to hear you've been through such a difficult time. I think it's too early for PTSD, sounds more like an acute stress reaction, but if it continues for more than a month it might be worth going to your GP.

greenpop21 · 21/04/2019 22:53

You may need some help with post traumatic stress.
My DD was rushed to hospital age 4 and needed life saving surgery. We got through it thankfully but I still feel physical sick if I recall it and that was 16 years ago.
Hope all goes well with his and your recovery.

Missingstreetlife · 21/04/2019 22:54

Homeopath.

Original poster

Ihatesoddingcancer · 21/04/2019 22:54

Oh MitziK, I’m so, so sorry. How awful for you all. Do you have people to lean on? We could start our own virtual wall here.
My friend was telling me she has helped out in multiple serious first aid situations, and I’m not sure I could ever do that. Just the shock of it all. And I know it’s different when it’s someone you love, but it’s still an incredible shock to the system.

OP posts:

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 21/04/2019 23:01

Oh goodness, what a horrible experience for your family. I agree with PPs, it's shock and nervous exhaustion. You've been staying strong keeping everything going and now you're processing what happened.

If anyone can give you a break, even if it's just for a couple of hours to take a bath, have a nap, etc. and also make a GP's appointment. I personally think I'd make an appointment in a week or two, though, give yourself a longer adjustment period and then see how you're feeling.

PrincessDanae · 21/04/2019 23:07

These things don't happen to one person in isolation, they happen to everyone around them. Yes, the accident happened to him, and he is the prime concern, but that doesn't mean that you are not affected by it. You had a hell of a shock, and are now trying to deal with it, while at the same time being supportive of your DH.

You need to get some support for yourself, so that you can lean on them and have a cry about it. You can't just be a support to your DH and not have anyone supporting you, because you have a massive job ahead of you, dealing with all of this.

Is the long term prognosis positive?

Mumof1andacat · 21/04/2019 23:08

Please do go and see your gp. I work in child clinical psychology. We support a lot parents who have been witness to their children undergoing medical procedures, stays in icu, children having to be resuscitated. The children are generally ok. Some aren't (We help them too) it is very hard to witness someone you care about go through something like this. I myself had my ds in icu with pneumonia and dh was in a bad car accident some years ago. It stays with you.

chocolateworshipper · 21/04/2019 23:08

It makes total sense and isn't at all surprising OP. I'm no medical expert, but as I understand it - it will be to do with the "come-down" after the adrenaline and other stress hormones kept you going through the most stressful time. I strongly recommend you find someone to talk to about how it all felt and how it has affected you

UserName31456789 · 21/04/2019 23:10

I would definitely seek out counselling. Even if you weren't involved in the accident you can still suffer from the trauma of it all - even to the extent of PTSD in some cases.

MitziK · 21/04/2019 23:26

DP is being lovely. Unfortunately, there are fucked up family dynamics involved and I'm not about to try and get support from people who simply aren't able to do it for various reasons. They can't do it - it would be too much for them to change everything in such desperately sad circumstances.

However, a friend was absolutely wonderful to me yesterday - he helped me by asking me questions, giving examples from his life where I could see that he understood and, quite frankly, gave me the certainty that my feelings are valid and what I'm doing is the best I can.

It certainly strengthened me for stuff said today that was very unkind and designed to hurt - I could hear it and not react other than calmly and gently, because it's coming from a place that is also hurting.

I'm sorry if that sounds negative or derailing your thread, I'm not trying to get sympathy or detract from what you are going through - what I do want to say is that support from 'outside', as it were, can be helpful even when you are right in the middle of the storm. And you have the absolute right to look after yourself, too.

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