Ds 13 wanting to be intimate with girlfriend

[Chocolou]

Ds 13 has a girlfriend of 2.5 months. She's the same age. I don't know anything about her as they went to different schools.

I occasionally check his phone. I think he's forgotten this. Anyway he's texted one of his mates asking how to finger her. Girlfriend wants to move things this way too it seems as she has got a friend to ask him to do "stuff"

How the fuck do I handle this? I'm so worried she will end of pregnant if it carries on. He's 13!!! I have talked to him about condoms recently. It just feels so inappropriate and they both seem as needy as each other!

Thanks again for all the replies. I've spoken to him today about not letting her have his IG password. He doesn't see anything wrong in this. I explained as another poster mentioned of she posts anything inappropriate it comes back to him not her. He sees me as having a go at him again for the 3rd day in a row!!

What would school do regarding safeguarding? Would they see it as normal curious teen behaviour? I really need to screen shot her mess telling her friend she wants his penis inside her for proof.

I know my son is half to blame for this but I also know while physically mature emotionally he isn't. How do I control who he sees when he goes out? Wouldn't he just lie and say he was out with his mates? He needs a little freedom.

Sorry I may seem like a shit parent who hasn't got a clue. I so want to get this right as my mother rules with an iron fist which made me resent her.

Weak parenting, imo. "Oh, they'll find a way!" No, not on my watch they won't.

My friend's parents were very "swing your pants" liberal and years later friend said she wished they had had been stricter as she felt she had been railroaded into early sexual experiences that she wasn't really ready for but her parents were all, "You make yourself comfortable in your bedroom" and "It's better here than in the local park." When in actual fact really they should be been chasing off ardent young suitors with a pitchfork.

You really need your parents to have your back. You are not your kids' friend, being all nicey nicey. Sometimes it's tough and you have to be the short-term bad guy in order to protect their long-term interests.

Chocolou - message her parents. If my dd was sending messages like this I'd want to know, even if my hair stood on end. She may just be being silly and trying to look big in front of her friends, or she may have inappropriate home influences. In any case, you need to tell your ds that this daft behaviour means he has to stay in until the situation is sorted.

From what you’ve posted about him it doesn’t sound like he’s actually ready. He might think he “wants” to, he might feel it’s expected, and who turns it down when a girl is making it clear she wants to. but it doesn’t sound like he’s ready or genuinely wants to - if that makes any sense.
I think your going to have to empower him to say no to what he’s not comfortable with and use you if he needs a get out clause!!

Really hard op.

I know exactly who my dd is with and where she is at all times so yes you should know where he is and what he’s up too.

I would take screen shots of the messages she sent and pass them on to the school, they can then contact her parents. If they exchange any rude photos then they could get in a lot of trouble (not saying they have but it happens a lot).

I’m sorry but you do seem a bit too relaxed about this, would you feel the same if your ds was the girl in this situation? I know I would want to know if my dd was sending such messages.

I'm so not relaxed about this believe me!!!

My son is fine when he's out with his mates but if he's been with her it's a different ball game.

They go to different schools so who should I email? Is this even something school was help with?

If I tell him he can't go out until it's sorted he misses out on time with his mates. Maybe I should ground it. It won't stop her endlessly messaging and calling him.

There wouldn’t be legal implications there’s a Romeo and Juliet law to protect sexually active teens.

What's that whoops

13 isn't really a teen yet, especially for boys.

Too much too young.

Really sad as the girl will probably feel violated and unhappy - after everybody else has let it all happen.

There can be a multitude of reasons why this girl or any young teenage girl seems “forward” and “precicious”. She may have no boundaries at home, she may have emotionally lazy and neglectful parents; she may be over-controlled by overly-strict parents who only give her negative attention. There may be no Dad on the scene or Dad might be emotionally absent, leading her to need male attention for self worth. She may have been sexually abused. She may think sex is the same as love.
Any of those may be true.
The most likely explanation however is that she wants to do some perfectly normal teenage sexual exploration.

You could stop this by taking his phone away OP. Until he agrees to you getting the girls parents details and agrees to keep passwords a secret, except from you

I really need to screen shot her mess telling her friend she wants his penis inside her for proof.

Where did you get this message from, @Chocolou? Are you 100% sure she sent it? If she has your DS’s password for IG, do you know for sure someone else doesn’t have her password, or got hold of her phone?

what would the school do regarding Safeguarding?

Information passed to the Safeguarding lead. Safeguarding lead may then decide whether or not to pass the information on.

Safeguarding, mainly since the deaths of children like Victoria Climbie, is largely about the sharing of information. In Victoria Climbie's case, many professionals knew little bits of information, but it was never all put together.

It could be that the behaviour you know about is 'teen experimentation', but it could also be the tip of an iceberg, and it could be that the girl is in need of help. Better to share and be wrong than not share and be right.

Suggest to your son that you would like a lovely family dinner and would l8ke to invite girlfriend and her parents.
Long shot I know but if this is a serious relationship he needs to realise you will meet her parents sooner or later.
Have a lovely dinner don’t mention anything. But make sure you get mums mob no so you can chat later!

How can it be a serious relationship at 13 atleastitsnotmonday? Ridiculous - they are both children.

Stopping a 13 year old being railroaded into illegal sex is hardly ruling with an iron fist. It’s having sensible normal boundaries. It’s different when they’re over 16, at that age interference would be unreasonable.

Take his phone away or monitor it, put restrictions on where he goes. All normal parental boundaries for 13 year old children.

But to them it IS a serious relationship. Come on. You must have had a crush at 13 and thought without being near them you wouldn't be able to function properly. That's just what some kids are like!

Agree mama. They both love each other so much, want the relationship to last forever. Blah, blah, blah. To be fair I remember saying the exact same things except we weren't interested in sex!!!

Irma unfortunately it's attitudes like that which meant the sexual abuse of teenage girls was allowed to escalate and go unremarked in Rotherham etc for so long.
No it fucking well isn't! She didn't call the girl a tart. She said the boy would probably be relieved to have it all put a stop to. And I agree.

Unneccessary aggression ifnot and certainly not winning me over to your odd point of view.

? It's not an odd point if view to say that many 13 yr old boys are in no way ready for sexual contact

It is odd if you're insinuating that 13 year old girls are. The law of consent is there to protect both sexes. 13 yr old girls are not 'more ready for sex than boys'

Am I insinuating that though? Where?
In fact I mentioned safeguarding. Why is that? Perhaps because a girl who is saying explicit things to another child could be being exposed to things she shouldn't? So, to protect her as well?
Maybe don't read bizarre things into completely reasonable posts.

Frankly I'm worried about the posters who seem to be condoning this. At best it's a bunch of girls having a laugh at the ds's expense, but it could be the product bad influences. In any case I would just say to ds that this is all completely ridiculous, confiscate his phone/change number and tell him that he's worth more than this. In fact I might message the girl and threaten to tell school/parents if one more dodgy message is received.

As others have said, if the poster's dc was a girl people would be outraged if she was being pursued by a boy sending such messages.

@Foreverexhausted
I'm really shocked at some of the names being used to describe this girl who none of us know. Why aren't you calling the boy names too? Is he also a tart? Are we back in a decade where young girls who are sexually curious or misguided to believe sex will make them popular or get them attention are perceived and labelled as 'tarts' and 'madams'. Christ I really hope you don't have teenagers or work with them!

For a start, I didn't say she was a tart. I said what girls who behaved like she seems to be doing were called back in the day.

WE don't know her. But we know what the OP has said. Based on that, she seems to be driving the 'relationship' and her son is asking his friends how to perform sexual acts- because he is only 13 and clearly doesn't have a clue. He's what- in Year 8?

She does seem precocious, yes. She is hounding a 13 yr old and saying very explicitly what she wants him to do, sexually.

If you don't understand that sexual activity is often a 'point scoring' even in schools/ amongst young people and some with low self esteem see sex as a way of increasing their appeal/ popularity, you need to do some reading about development in teenagers.

And FWIW I am horrified that your sister put her child on the Pill at 14 and condoned under age sex. For a start, it's illegal, and the law is there partly or protect the emotions of young people not just prevent pregnancy. Being on the Pill is no guarantee of an unwanted baby- young girls are known to be lax with pill-taking and it often fails.

Any parent who condones sex at 14 between two children needs help.

And yes I did have teens and they are now wonderful adults, in their late 20s, with well-adjusted relationships.

What about you?