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Original poster

Ds 13 wanting to be intimate with girlfriend

126 replies

Chocolou · 11/04/2019 15:22

Ds 13 has a girlfriend of 2.5 months. She's the same age. I don't know anything about her as they went to different schools.

I occasionally check his phone. I think he's forgotten this. Anyway he's texted one of his mates asking how to finger her. Girlfriend wants to move things this way too it seems as she has got a friend to ask him to do "stuff"

How the fuck do I handle this? I'm so worried she will end of pregnant if it carries on. He's 13!!! I have talked to him about condoms recently. It just feels so inappropriate and they both seem as needy as each other!

OP posts:
BlueSkiesLies · 11/04/2019 18:24

13? Over my dead body. Way too young.

RuffleCrow · 11/04/2019 18:25

It would have to be non-consensual and/ or with a large age gap.

JinglingHellsBells · 11/04/2019 18:25

And what kind of parent would bring such a case, more to the point? Unless the girl had been abused in some way and /or raped/ not consented. I can hardly see parents of a 15 yr old girl reporting her 16 yr old boyfriend.

This is to protect girls (mainly) from gangs, prostitution , paedos, and other abusive situations not your normal Romeo and Juliet teenagers who enjoy mutual , consensual slap and tickle.

dementedma · 11/04/2019 18:27

Wow. 13 is young. I have no sage advice OP but best of luck.

dreichuplands · 11/04/2019 18:30

jingling I have known parents of teenage girls report teenage boys for consensual sex. I have also known girls who on being discovered to have had sex by very angry parents dump all the blame for the activities on the boy. I haven't known it get to a conviction if the boy is under 16 as well as the girl but some parents definitely report this.

Cafeculture · 11/04/2019 18:36

I can hardly see parents of a 15 yr old girl reporting her 16 yr old boyfriend. Well some do.What dreichuplands says is right.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 11/04/2019 18:54

Discussed this at safeguarding training a couple of years ago co-run by a copper working directly with sex offenders and those saying that they could be categorised as a sex offender are right.

The police use their descretion not to prosecute consensual under 16 relationships, BUT they do still get recorded as having committed a sexual offence which will come up (for life) on an enhanced DBS check. Then it will be up to the agency doing the check and the type of job applied for as to whether this gets passed on to future employers.

ASauvignonADay · 11/04/2019 19:02

Does their school have anything like Brook? (A sexual health drop in)

Shortandsweet96 · 11/04/2019 19:04

Tread carefully OP, buy him condoms. If shes asking him to do that, she may want to do something else.

Talking from sort of experience. I did everything all at once at 14/15.. although I was promised "I wont go under your joggers" Hmm

However in very open with my mum and spoke to her straight away about the pill. She was naturally disappointed I had dont it all so young but didnt get angry. I know tell her everything and knowing that I can rely on her is a massive relief.

Just he open with him, dont scold him. You'll both appreciate it in the long run .

redcaryellowcar · 11/04/2019 19:06

Whilst it's illegal etc, and I think you are right to have pointed that out, far better that he's talking to you, than being all secretive. I think children are growing up faster now than we did, but as someone else says, they are a lot of talk and not so much action. I would encourage you to keep talking about anything and everything with him, try not to be shocked, no subject is taboo etc.

Arachnidplant · 11/04/2019 19:09

Is this something he actually wants to do or feels he has to do? When you talk with him, it might be worth pointing out that he has the right not to do things too.

Have you met the girlfriend?
When do they get the chance to be alone together?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 11/04/2019 19:21

Id talk to him and then ensure no possibilities for them to be alone. At that age he's way too young.

JinglingHellsBells · 11/04/2019 19:56

I have known parents of teenage girls report teenage boys for consensual sex. I have also known girls who on being discovered to have had sex by very angry parents dump all the blame for the activities on the boy. I haven't known it get to a conviction if the boy is under 16 as well as the girl but some parents definitely report this.

Well we only have your word for this. Are they parents whose religious beliefs are a factor? I really cannot understand why any parent would do this and I've decades of experience working with teens.

dancemom · 11/04/2019 20:05

I'd be warning him that she's likely to bleed if it's her first time, might put him off!

Notcontent · 11/04/2019 20:18

I have a 13 year old dd. I can’t imagine her or any of her friends having sex yet - they are still just big children!

Ohhellothereladyface · 11/04/2019 20:19

At 13 I was barely kissing boys and that was a big deal amongst my mates. Have things really changed for kids that much 🙈

Original poster
Chocolou · 11/04/2019 20:41

Thanks for all the replies.

He is never alone with her at my house. She did ask her mum a couple of weeks ago if he could go round her house and her mum said only if friend x(a girl) is there too. I don't think her mum looks through her phone/messages.

Spoke to him briefly tonight and asked him if I needed to speak to the girls mum about what they were planning.

He's now convinced he's a horrible child and can't do anything right!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolou · 11/04/2019 20:43

I did tell him it was my job as his parent to help guide him and stop him making mistakes that will last a lifetime.

Hopefully some of what I said has sunk in although I'm sure they're going to do it anyway.

Why can't kids be kids?

OP posts:
DiaryofWimpyMumm · 11/04/2019 21:13

My now 18 year old went through this at 14. He had a long term girlfriend and they had sex. I came home early one day and they were in his bedroom. I obviously had to talk to him and he assured me he wore a condom but I was so happy when they split up.

He's only had one girlfriend since then and she wanted him to sleep with her but he wouldn't because they had no condoms and she wanted to do it outside.

I would encourage you to talk to him. I talk to my son about most things and let him know I'm available for a chat. My now 14 year old is very different and has only just started taking an interest in girls and I only say that because he has a screen saver of a pretty young girl.

dreichuplands · 11/04/2019 21:19

jingle all we have for anyone on this forum is people's word.
I don't believe religion was a factor in the cases I saw. More that sex is a very emotive topic for many people. Some parents felt that something had been stolen from their dc and their should be consequences for the person who had done this. Anger and hurt were bigger drivers.
It may not be the standard response but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

mcmen71 · 11/04/2019 21:37

Hi did u tell him exactly what you read on his phone. I used to read an odd msg on my dd phone before she got a bf one boy asked her what makes you horny we had a chat about it and she said i dont know what that means another msg on a group snapchat was about a bjob i had to explain to her what both these meant and i think that was enough to put her off. She has a bf now so i dont read her phone at all as she nearly 16 so give her privacy. I have not met him but he seems very keen on her and she him I do tell her to come to me if she needs any advice I wont get angry. But at 13 way too young to have them kind of thoughts but if you come down too hard you could push them more into it than they had planned I would not be talking to the girl or her parents only speak to your son.

JinglingHellsBells · 11/04/2019 22:38

I can't believe that 'normal' parents would take a 16 yr old boy to court for sleeping with a slightly younger girl, and I can't imagine the police being interested unless it were rape.

OP- when you say 'do it anyway' do you mean sex or foreplay for want of a better word.

I think you simply have to tell him it's not on, they are children.

I suspect this girl is egging him on- there are some very forward girls out there!

He may feel peer pressure and as he's asked his mates for advice, feels he has to prove something now to them.

I think also rather than just focusing on pregnancy which is a huge risk of course you need to talk about emotions. Often girls chase boys but they also tend to get more emotionally attached after sex so he needs to have some emotional maturity about what's likely to happen. Sex is not just sex- it's emotional.

Does he have a dad around or are you a single mum coping with this?

Original poster
Chocolou · 11/04/2019 22:46

I'm with his dad but to be honest he's useless and finds these chats embarrassing. He works all the time so it's down to me to discipline him. That's a whole other story!

I think for now it's foreplay. She has said to a friend she wants his penis inside of her.

My son is generally a good kid but he loves attention from people and has behaved stupidly recently to get attention.

His girlfriend is possessive. For example she has his instagram password and answers messages sent to my son. I've told him this isn't on but they think they're cute and show people they're a couple!

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 12/04/2019 00:08

I think for now it's foreplay. She has said to a friend she wants his penis inside of her.

Well I’d be talking to her parents. She sounds like a precocious little madam and tbh this, together with her controlling his social media would mean I’d want her nowhere near him. And yes, despite the outraged comments that this will now get, you can stop him seeing her outside school because he’s a child and may well end up with a child of his own if this is allowed to continue. Step up and be a responsible parent. This isn’t the time to be a cool mum or his best friend.

Cherrysoup · 12/04/2019 00:34

Jesus. Definitely contact her parents. You guys need a chat about the messages between the children and discuss how to proceed. She definitely needs a chat re pregnancy and appropriate behaviour.

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