Ds 13 wanting to be intimate with girlfriend

[Chocolou]

Ds 13 has a girlfriend of 2.5 months. She's the same age. I don't know anything about her as they went to different schools.

I occasionally check his phone. I think he's forgotten this. Anyway he's texted one of his mates asking how to finger her. Girlfriend wants to move things this way too it seems as she has got a friend to ask him to do "stuff"

How the fuck do I handle this? I'm so worried she will end of pregnant if it carries on. He's 13!!! I have talked to him about condoms recently. It just feels so inappropriate and they both seem as needy as each other!

He's the type of kid that will do his own thing anyway. I am strict with him.

You can see the contradiction here, can't you OP?

Does he have a dad around? It might be better coming from a man who can say 'I understand your hormones, son, but you need to back off and understand it's a bit too soon for intimate stuff at your age...'

And talk to her parents if you know where they are.

At 13 they ought to be focusing on homework, scouts and so on.

A serious talk is in order, ideally know the girls parents would be good as they may have no idea their dd is considering being intimate, if not with your son, someone else's so the pill is a smart move. I know 2 girls were pregnant in year 9 at DD's school (both aborted) and one had a kid beginning of year 11 and stayed at school, another missed her last exam as the baby came 2 weeks early - it's common here to have at least one by 20!

Could put the wind up him about their ages,and what if the police get involved and he gets a record for sex with a minor,and end up on the sex offenders registered.
Not sure if any of this is true,but might just make him think.

Not sure if any of this is true,but might just make him think.

It's not true, and lying to the child isn't really the best way to deal with the situation.

Two thirteen year olds fooling around are not going to get in trouble with the law. If he was older, it would be different, but the police just aren't going to be interested in a young teenage "couple" who are consensually fooling around after school.

A thirteen year old is not going to go on the sex offenders register for consensually fooling around with his girlfriend!

I'd be restricting phone access and all other social media channels and I'd be informing her parents if I possibly could.

If he was 15 I'd maybe take a slightly softer approach and be prepared to chat around the topic etc but I'd be really cracking down on this at 13 and as his parent this is what you should do.

And no, condoms in the house is just ludicrous.

If they start taking intimate photographs they could both end up in legal hot water, that is worth being clear with him about.
I would talk to her parents about your concerns. It sounds like a supervised open door policy is needed in both houses.

“I’m afraid I don’t know who her parents are.”

Well get off your backside and find out. It’s for your sons best interests that you protect him as best you can.

My sister went through this but from the other side - with her DD when she was 13. Her DD and bf met at 13 and by 14 her DD was asking to go on the pill. My sister was horrified! BUT, she also felt if they were going to have sex she would rather it didn't result in a pregnancy so agreed to her going on the pill. They did end up staying together until they were 18, so five years in all.

I would sit down with your son and tell him you're concerned they might take their relationship to the next level and have sex. Remind him they are still underage and it is illegal (although I doubt this will deter them) and you really don't want them to end up with a pregnancy. Have you met her? Have you met her parents? Could you raise your concerns with them? SO they can talk to their DD.

I don’t know what to do about this but I’d suggest checking the internet browsing history on any devices he uses as well.

FGS, please don’t shame him or scare him with warnings about the bloody Sex Offender’s Register. What he’s feeling is perfectly normal and it’s far better to reassure him of that while talking about consequences (consent, how easy it is to get carried away etc.). Do make sure he knows that having intercourse with an underage girl is illegal but there’s a big difference between wanting to find out about groping and actually having full on sex.

OP have you bought him any books on the subject that he can browse through? I did that with my dd - she had a range of books that I would give her at an appropriate time. When she was 13 I told her to ask if she had any questions and that she could always chat to me.

This was a good one: www.amazon.co.uk/Its-Perfectly-Normal-Changing-Paperback/dp/0763668729/ref=asc_df_0763668729/?hvlocphy=1007198&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=311123983653&hvpone&hvlocint&th=1&hvpos=1o2&hvdev=t&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-436338261756&hvrand=1093179481582604228 but there are others just for boys.

Yes, definitely: If they start taking intimate photographs they could both end up in legal hot water, that is worth being clear with him about.

the sex offenders register is for people who take advantage of/abuse young people - not to punish two curious thirteen year olds who have a consenting grope

A few years ago a 15 year old was taken to court for having sex with his girlfriend who was the same age. The judge was, fortunately, annoyed the case had come anywhere near court. But a different judge might take a different view.

If they want to have sex, they will. Nothing you say will change that, unless you plan on emotionally scarring him for life to never have sex.

Just talk to him in a factual way.

State your expectations. Say that you were a teenager once and you know there can be a lot of pressure.

Talk through consequences: stds, pregnancy. Tell him you know he wouldn't be the one getting pregnant but it would be a devastating thing to become a father so young. A lifelong responsibility.

Talk about the age of consent and why it's set at 16. Talk about consent more generally and the legal consequences. Talk about brain developmemt and how we now knows it carries on til 25 so he may not foresee serious consequences.

Tell him "one day (when you're older you may meet someone you really want to have sex with, and they really want to have sex with you - but that doesn't mean you have to".

Basically keep talking.

You don't have to do this all in one go - think of it as an ongoing conversation.

Also, I've found the TV series Gilmore Girls a fantastic introduction to talking about these issues with my dd13. It's all there: teenage sex, pregnancy, alcohol, family relationships and friendships but presented in a very accessible, humorous way that demonstrates the consequences.

You could also try talking to his gfs parents about your concerns.

Is he physically mature OP?

I know that sounds odd but at 13 some boys have not gone through puberty. Girls mature earlier and sometimes they do run after lads and tease them- which she sounds as if she is doing by passing messages to him via someone else that she wants to 'do stuff'.

HE may be terrified and way out of his depth- by asking his mates what to do.

Have they been through the kissing, holding hands stuff?

How often do they meet and where?

Can you control that?

Obviously the kind of thing he's thinking of doing won't happen in an alley we hope, (or it might) so they need a venue.

Why don't you invite this girl round for dinner or something? Get to know her?

often when teens come out of their bubble (of just the two of them) and she sees he has a home, a mum, and it's all REAL not some fantasy she's living, it might cool it down a bit.

Or you could call the girlfriend for a friendly motherly chat as well and say you're extremely concerned by the nature of the material you've found and that you've made it clear to your son you will be calling a meeting at the school if they don't both agree to reign things in at least until they're both 16.

Could be enough to put the wind up her. Then again you risk turning them into 'Romeo and Juliet' at least in their own minds. All depends on her personality and his.

It's illegal but the difficulty is those raging hormones. A lad of his age is going to be obsessed with sex and being told NO could make him even keener because let's face it, there's nothing more attractive than wanting something you can't have.

No doubt they're being egged on by 'mates.'

Could you make sure that they're not left alone together?

And a very harsh talking to wouldn't come amiss.

Facts, yes the boy down the road was 13 and doing things with his consenting girlfriend,. Things they had done before, only this time her mum caught them....
Guess who got the blame and ended up on the register .... Just because you don't know of it happening doesn't mean it doesn't......

I'd have been pretty gutted having that conversation at 13 with mine, OP, I can see why you're a bit blind-sided. Time to be really honest and say you're concerned that he's rushing into things and some easily understandable chat about consequences of having sex while underage.

Facts, yes the boy down the road was 13 and doing things with his consenting girlfriend,. Things they had done before, only this time her mum caught them....

That's funny, because the law states the following:

"It is an offence for anyone to have any sexual activity with a person under the age of 16. However, Home Office guidance [1] is clear that there is no intention to prosecute teenagers under the age of 16 where both mutually agree and where they are of a similar age."

www.fpa.org.uk/factsheets/law-on-sex

Adaline I assure you he is on the register.
And they were in her room.
Boys do get accused and convicted, of doing things that the day before were fine and yet the next day when caught by a parent are not...

according to the police you will be the one breaking the law

Actually they will both be breaking the law, although he will be committing the more serious offence. And, as adaline points out, current Home Office guidance is that teenagers under 16 will not be prosecuted where they both agree to whatever happens and they are of similar age.

The law has changed since (most of) our teenage years:

The 2003 Sexual Offences Act makes any form of sexual activity with a person under 16 a crime, not just intercourse.

'Sexual Activity' is a circular definition. It is activity that is sexual in nature. Potentially open-mouthed kissing.

Offenders will be placed on the sexual offenders register and the conviction or even a caution will come up in any future DBS check.

How the hell does a 13 yr old end up on the sex offenders' register?

If that is the case and all you have to do it open mouthed kissing, then I expect 99.9% of the population would be on it.

Offenders will be placed on the sexual offenders register and the conviction or even a caution will come up in any future DBS check.

Only when one is over 16 and one is under 16. It is not a blanket rule that anyone who has sex underage gets a conviction!

www.fpa.org.uk/factsheets/law-on-sex