Ds 13 wanting to be intimate with girlfriend

[Chocolou]

Ds 13 has a girlfriend of 2.5 months. She's the same age. I don't know anything about her as they went to different schools.

I occasionally check his phone. I think he's forgotten this. Anyway he's texted one of his mates asking how to finger her. Girlfriend wants to move things this way too it seems as she has got a friend to ask him to do "stuff"

How the fuck do I handle this? I'm so worried she will end of pregnant if it carries on. He's 13!!! I have talked to him about condoms recently. It just feels so inappropriate and they both seem as needy as each other!

I would go speak with her parents then all of you sit them both down and have a very open discussion on this. What would happen if things turned awkward and the gf accused your son of something?

He is a child and he needs to be aware that what they are doing is illegal.

Sorry, haven't rtft, but intercourse is illegal at that age and he could be charged with rape if he goes all the way with her or sexual assault at the least.

Agree you need to get both sets of parents together and agree a way forward. I would ask the school pastoral person if they would agree to mediate so it doesn't become about blame. I think it would be classed as a safeguarding concern so good to show them you're all taking it seriously.

@llangennith You do need to RTFT because this aspect has been covered and he won't be charged as a minor, if it's consensual.

@chocolou I guess one issue IS the emotionally absent father! Some input might be helpful from him.

She has said to a friend she wants his penis inside of her.

And who told you?

This girl sounds precocious and 'trouble'. I used to work with teens and there are certain types of girls who give boys the come-on. They are, as PP said, little madams.

She is way out of her depth. it's all about 'being grown up' and having some 'status' with her mates- ie being sexually active. When I was a teen myself there was always the 'class tart' who wanted to have sex with anyone who'd have her, and see it as a means of getting attention and admiration. she's probably deeply insecure.

I bet if she DID have sex with a 13 yr old, it would be awful, hurt, and she'd not be so keen actually!

My advice is you sit your son down, talk to him about boundaries (her having his password is ridiculous) , the risks of having under age sex, the legal situation. At the same time, recognise his sexual feelings, but say that mature adults do not always act on their sexual urges- being grown up is about having judgement and self control.

Can we please not use words like “tart” and “little Madam” to describe young girls? It’s judgy and lazy. Nobody has used any similarly derogatory terms about the OP’s DS and these two children are the same age.

There can be a multitude of reasons why this girl or any young teenage girl seems “forward” and “precicious”. She may have no boundaries at home, she may have emotionally lazy and neglectful parents; she may be over-controlled by overly-strict parents who only give her negative attention. There may be no Dad on the scene or Dad might be emotionally absent, leading her to need male attention for self worth. She may have been sexually abused. She may think sex is the same as love. The list goes on and on but all people see on the outside is “Forward, Trouble, Little Madam, Class Tart.”

OP your son’s girlfriend should not have his IG password. She may not have boundaries at home but your DS does and he needs to know that his social media accounts are his alone. Giving any other teenager or child his password is opening himself up to all sorts of issues. If something inappropriate or illegal is sent from his account then as far as school or the authorities are concerned, he will have sent it. He needs to change his password today; tell him he can blame you if his gf protests.

I would make it your business to find out who his girlfriend’s parents are, just so you can chat to them if necessary. But for now, please talk about consequences with your DS, explain that the law is there for a reason and most importantly, make sure he knows he’s not “horrible” or the worst person in the world for having natural and normal feelings.

I don't think your comments on the language used like little madam and tart are relevant. Stop being so pedantic and patronising over a couple of words which people know why they are being used here. This is a forum. I taught teens for decades. I'm fully aware of all the social issues behind such behaviour. To make you happier, I'd have put 'class tart' in inverted comas, but it's a forum and I'm in a rush!

At 13 I'd contact her parents, wouldn't be that hard to find them I imagine ( Facebook etc) You have a lot of control at 13 still,15 is a different matter.

I'd also monitor phones and SM very closely.

Stop being so pedantic and patronising over a couple of words which people know why they are being used here.

Er - no. It’s damaging and demeaning language.

I can hardly see parents of a 15 yr old girl reporting her 16 yr old boyfriend

It has happened. And not only were the police interested, the CPS took the case on. The judge in the case was disgusted.

While I don't think it's a good idea for 14 and 15 year olds to be having sex, I do wonder if we need to reduce the legal age of consent to avoid this kind of nonsense.

"Certain types of girls who gives boys the come on" "class tart" etc . Really appalling language and anti-feminist, shaming sentiments to use about any women and in particular young teens (that you know absolutely nothing about). I do hope you no longer work with any, because I occasionally do , and you'd be sacked if you spoke that way in the workplace. I'm not sure you'd get away with it discussing adult women that way either- not anywhere I've worked, or ever socialised, at least.

You seem very angry and embittered about what certain 'types' of females are up to . I think it's more important to focus on the safeguarding of both children, who sound naive and are young, rather than psycho analysing a teen girl we've not met and apportioning 'blame'.

I would certainly make it my business to make contact with her parents re: the issue OP, then they can hopefully support their daughter through the reasons she wants to and if it is a good idea/how to stay safe physically and emotionally when doing such a thing.

13 is so young but I remember it being the same in school. So frustrating that we grow up, realise we were wrong and it was far too young to be doing that, try to tell the next generation and they don't listen either, on a loop! I'd focus heavily on a talk with my son about consent and respect, and that he must ask her at each stage if she is ok, that she wants to, that she is not in pain etc. I would point out to mine that just because she says she wants 'x' doesnt mean she will when it happens, or that she will like it and have to see it through- the same as he has no idea about how much he would enjoy things he's never tried. Arm him with the tools to create a situation that isn't damaging, and hopefully her parents will do the same. I would also reiterate any previous sex education as regards how pregnancy can happen and they are not immune, and ensure he has access to condoms if it came to it. You don't want a pregnancy as a result of embarrassment about sourcing them at the end of the day.

Tbh I would also try to limit any alone time they have, and certainly wouldn't offer them any at 13 but ultimately if they want to they will, as many before have done. Tricky situation for you OP.

OP this is a safeguarding concern.
Please report what you know to the person responsible for Safeguarding at school. Do not approach the girl's parents at this stage.

Jingling that you were teaching teenage girls for decades with your judgemental attitude is really quite worrying. You have so very little information on which to base your horrible comments about the child.

@dontgobaconmyheart

Angry? Nope. Not angry at all. You are being ridiculous. This is a forum not a school staff room and if you'd ever spent time in one, in RL, you would be shocked at what is said! My comments read like Enid Blyton!

You are in cloud cuckoo land if you think that there are no girls who hit on boys to seek attention and boost their own self-esteem.

If you'd bothered to read all my posts, you'd see that you and I are making the same comments, especially about the girl saying she wants something but the reality would be very different.

@Arachnidplant
Judgemental? Yes, and so is every person posting here! Or had you missed that? No one has posted to say the girl's behaviour is acceptable. Judgemental= an opinion . Yes, we all have those.

The girl is precocious. That means advanced beyond her years, especially sexually in this context. It means she is in danger of harming someone who is vulnerable. The boy.

She controls him ( IG password) and tells her friends in graphic detail what she wants him to do.

There is nothing new in this. I was at school decades ago with girls like her. The boys referred to them in words I will not repeat or other posters will come along and tell me off.

In my experience 13-year-old girls are waaaaay more advanced than 13-year-old boys. You only need to look at a year group at school and see the difference. Girls mature earlier.

I would tell my ds in no uncertain terms that this is inappropriate and to steer clear of this girl. I would threaten to contact the girl's parents and say you would be telling them that there will be no further meetings between the pair.

OP's ds will probably be relieved that he has an excuse to back off. "My mum's banned me from going out" sounds better than, "Eeek! You're a bit of a scary girl - I think I'd rather be on my Playstation..."

I agree Irma it's a myth that all 13 year old boys are gagging for it. Some of them haven't even gone through puberty yet. There's a lot of pressure on boys to be up for it, and as a parent you need to make sure they know you can throw the brakes on.
And I would ABSOLUTELY contact school safeguarding or her parents. Her folks need to know about this.

Irma unfortunately it's attitudes like that which meant the sexual abuse of teenage girls was allowed to escalate and go unremarked in Rotherham etc for so long.

13 year old girls and 13 year old boys are children and they deserve to be treated accordingly. The human brain isn't fully mature until 25. They need us to look out for them and protect them.

I didn't say the girl wasn't a child. Of course the Rotherham business was a scandal.

However, the OP is asking about her ds. And my advice pertained to how to deal with him.

I was at school decades ago with girls like her.

You don’t know this girl, @Jingle.

My point about judgemental, demeaning language and blaming the girl in question was not just aimed at you. However, you’ve become defensive and shot back with the fact that you’ve “worked with teenagers” - in which case you should know better.

If the OP had a 13 year old dd instead of a son, would people here be using the same language? Referring to “girls like her” as Trouble/Little Madam/Tart etc? Just because she’s in a relationship and trying to find out information about petting? I sincerely hope not. The OP would quite rightly be furious.

And just because boys used those words (and worse) decades ago, doesn’t make them acceptable now.

Can't help feeling if the comment on penis had been made by a boyfriend and the girl was your DD.. all hell would be breaking lose right now ...

Misogyny runs deep. And never more apparent than when a teenage girl is cast as a threat.

I also went to school with 'girls like her' and in some ways I was a girl like her and actually in hindsight they/we were clearly dealing with something very difficult re home lives and looking for male validation to compensate.

That's where teenage girls are taught that their only value lies in many cases. Let's not feed the misogyny with 'little madam/tart' etc. We can do better than that.

Also pretty horrified at some posters labelling 13 year old females tarts and little madams.

Op my first thought is he’s 13 and you have a lot of control over where he is and what he’s doing. You need to tighten up those boundaries quickly, while also having discussions about why there is an age of consent, everyone’s right to say no, why this girl might be behaving in a precocious way, the fact that teens exaggerate about sex, etc. I would give their teacher a heads up about this as they may be able to help.

@Rufflecrow Yep.

We have no idea why the girl is making these statements which are pretty sexualized for a child of her age but OP does need to take them seriously because they pose a risk for her ds.
I would like to add to the voices saying that labeling like tart doesn't help and did help create the situation in Rotherham.
OP needs to focus on protecting her son from getting pulled into a high risk situation.

@mummmy2017

Can't help feeling if the comment on penis had been made by a boyfriend and the girl was your DD.. all hell would be breaking lose right now

I tend to agree. The controlling element with his social media. Nothing about this relationship screams age appropriate, secure and healthy.

I'm really shocked at some of the names being used to describe this girl who none of us know. Why aren't you calling the boy names too? Is he also a tart? Are we back in a decade where young girls who are sexually curious or misguided to believe sex will make them popular or get them attention are perceived and labelled as 'tarts' and 'madams'. Christ I really hope you don't have teenagers or work with them!

There is also the chance they are a product of modern society and simply know what many of us will view as 'too much' about sex at such a young age. It's everywhere! Music videos are overtly sexual, porn is widely spoken about and viewed, kids nowadays know more than most of us did!

And there is also the chance that at 13/14 they will meet someone they think they are in love with! I posted upthread about my 13 year old niece and my sister putting her on the pill at 14. She was neither a tart, a madam, trouble, she didn't come from a bad home etc... She met a boy at 13, he was the same age and they fell in love! And they started having sex at 14, which my sister was horrified about BUT if they want to they will find a way to do it! They stayed together until they were 18 and both went off to university. The best thing you can do is keep communication open so they feel they CAN talk to you so you can advise and stay informed on what they are up to.