my sister may be the reason i may not get married

[sabrina1234]

so i dont want to make it seem like my sister has been the only person in the wrong. but i think explaining the situation will give a better picture of the situation.
so basically my boyfriend and sister seemed to get along in the beginning until my bf started being petty. so it all started from me being on facetime with my sister, he overheard that she wasnt letting me borrow her headphones and once she left the room he said shes disrespectful and will give her some words. i told him to leave it and he continued to message her anyway and say really nasty things that were just uncalled for, such as ,,hope you get raped and your dad beats you and you should respect your sister''. this really upset me and he never apologised. my sister obviously replied back to him and was extremely upset over it and so was i. i was dumb to have never made him apologise and was doing the apologising to both of them. then the second situation he messaged my sister by logging into my facebook account after me and him had an argument and started saying things like ''why have you been talking shit about me to your sister (as in me)''. which she hadnt been doing he just needed to take his anger out, and she replied with something quite bad, whic was along the lines of i hope your dad dies (his dad had cancer and has now passed away). i was shocked that she even said this, now i know my sister she is not an evil person and he really pushed her for her to say something like this, up til this point he always made remarks and digs and she ignored them till she finally said that. this of course sparked an argument between me and him too and i told him he should not have said anything to my sister as he is 4 years older than her and should have been the mature one and not said anyting in the first place. like what does he expect, he can say mean things and the other person will just sit there quiet. now i know what she said was out of order but when i mention what he had done was bad too he goes on the defense saying that i am comparing and what she said was worse. he eventually said he would apologise to her and would sort things with her but after his dad passing he wants nothing to do with her. this was brought up as he was supposed to be meeting with my mother this friday and says that he doesnt want to meet her due to the situation with my sister, i have met his family and sisters and they are sweet especially his mother and had met his dad before he passed also, however one thing that stuck with me when he mentioned this was that he said ''i want you to respect me and my family and tell her that i want nothing to do with her''..this just struck me because where was the respect for me and my family when he said those things to my sister..i know each family has their problems and issues and there would be another set of problems if i was to be with someone else, but i just think will it work between me and him if he doesnt get along with my sister and doesnt want to either, i just want some advice from someone experienced and tell me if im in over my head or it is something that i could work on

Your sister was perfectly entitled to say you couldn't borrow her headphones.

Your boyfriend sounds unhinged. His response that he hoped she is raped is not only disgusting, but frankly not normal. If that is what sprang to mind then he clearly isn't quite right. His further behaviours have red flags flying left right and centre - he sounds controlling and that he would become abusive.

you said this is your first relationship. Honestly, he isn't normal. Please don't settle for being treated like this / him treating others like this. You deserve better.

Christ on a bike. I have issues with my sister but if DP ever wished raped on her over anything. It would be the end of our relationship.
Respect is a 2 way street.
Tell me OP, how does he treat you when you argue?

What. The. Fuck.

There's a difference between AS and then actually c&p several links onto a current thread.

But if MN provides a facility that enables that and has nothing in the rules that prevents it, it's hardly in a position to complain, is it?

Sabrina, abusive people aren't usually abusive all the time. They can be charming to reel you back in. I hope you can see how unacceptable his behaviour is. I think his behaviour towards your sister more than negates any promises you made to help him after his bereavement. You owe him nothing.

I keep thinking that they will sort things out between them but he doesn't think he should be the one to apologise as she said something about his dying dad who has now passed, I think that he thinks what he's said doesn't match up to it, this makes me lose hope about him and my sister ever moving past these words exchanged. I guess I have felt like I owe him something as he's going through a hard time

It doesn't matter if they patch it up or not, no one should be with someone who behaves as he does,

You don't owe him anything, this man hits you, steals from you, abuses your family, what will it take for you to end it? How low does he have to go?

Bluntness is spot on. You owe this abusive arsehole nothing, absolutely nothing. You really need to get away from this dysfunctional relationship.

Even if he apologised from now till Christmas you should still think about whether you want to be with him. When upset by a woman his first thought of retort was that she should be violently and intimately attacked. It's just abhorrent.

I'm getting the distinct impression that you are not actually listening to anything that's being said here. It's like you are just pondering on stuff out loud to yourself.

Yes I definitely will, currently I'm just concentrating on my life and trying to rebuild relationships that I have had to give up like friendships and to just enjoy my time

Excuse me Ellen I am listening, so don't assume before you know.

Get rid of him!

No decent man would make you give up friendships.

Sabrina - For heaven's sake! Please, please listen to what people here are advising you.

He is Brutal, selfish and vindictive man.

You owe him NOTHING!

He's your first love - you don't want to think badly of him.

He is often wonderful company - this is typical for abusers. If they were horrible all of the time, women wouldn't stay with them. So they are kind, and fun, and thoughtful - until the next time. And their victims still think they are in love because they love the pleasant side of their abuser. Unfortunately the unpleasant side can get them killed.

You are only 22 - that is so young, especially as you have no experience of other relationships. At least take a break from your boyfriend. Don't see him for a couple of months. Don't communicate with him - pretend you are on a desert island. Go out with your friends and your sister - don't bother with any men for a few weeks Just enjoy yourself. Have a bit of stress-free freedom - see how you feel when you see how easy life can be without worrying about this man's reactions to anything you or your family does.

Please don't be in a rush to tie yourself to someone who holds grudges and wishes such horrors on any woman. The very fact that he even thinks about it as a revenge strategy tells you that he will use physical and sexual violence to control you if he thinks you deserve it.

And one day he will think you deserve it.

Sabrina yes, reach out and connect with friends, and get RL support.

With a view to leaving this man.

Don’t waste your energy agonising over who said what between this man and your sister.

Even if he hadn’t said that particular thing to her and she hadn’t said what she said, you wouldn’t have a safe healthy relationship.

So don’t focus on that.

Is your sister speaking to you? Contact her and tell her he was 100% out of order and you are leaving him. Don’t even mention what she said or you hope she and him will sort it out. Just get her support and help to leave him, if possible.

Ugh. So stupid

Your partner has always been controlling and abusive. The fact that he is now sad, controlling and abusive is not a good enough reason to set yourself up as the emotional punchbag between him and the rest of the world. You won't change him. You can change yourself, maybe start by trying to believe that you deserve so much more from a partner than this.

Stop even thinking about your horrible boyfriend and your sister, and whether they can patch things up.

Your focus on them is an avoidance tactic - you have to fill your life with other people and all their problems because for some reason you are afraid of focusing on yourself.

You need to break out of the enabler trap.
It's so much easier and so much more gratifying to act as the ministering angel, or to see yourself as the woman who is so special that she can tame a violent and angry man than to put the focus on yourself and your future.

You need to identify something meaningful to do with your life that does not involve fixing other people, whether that is taking a course that would lead to a better job, volunteering at an animal shelter, getting a hobby that you like, starting a home business.

The fact that his dad recently died doesn't give him a free pass to be abusive. He will no doubt claim that he's going through a hard time and try and excuse his behaviour that way, but that's total BS. Most people in the world are dealing with something difficult too and can still manage to behave like civilised human beings.

You seriously want to MARRY a man who told your sister something that disgusting because of HEADPHONES??
Get rid of him. It's going to get worse.

He said that he hoped you sister got raped because she wouldn't lend you her headphones?? What a vile human being he is!

This! WTAF?! Really struggling to see how it's your sister's fault, if anything she's done you a favour so you can get the hell away and NOT marry him!