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Original poster

my sister may be the reason i may not get married

197 replies

sabrina1234 · 03/04/2019 00:59

so i dont want to make it seem like my sister has been the only person in the wrong. but i think explaining the situation will give a better picture of the situation.
so basically my boyfriend and sister seemed to get along in the beginning until my bf started being petty. so it all started from me being on facetime with my sister, he overheard that she wasnt letting me borrow her headphones and once she left the room he said shes disrespectful and will give her some words. i told him to leave it and he continued to message her anyway and say really nasty things that were just uncalled for, such as ,,hope you get raped and your dad beats you and you should respect your sister''. this really upset me and he never apologised. my sister obviously replied back to him and was extremely upset over it and so was i. i was dumb to have never made him apologise and was doing the apologising to both of them. then the second situation he messaged my sister by logging into my facebook account after me and him had an argument and started saying things like ''why have you been talking shit about me to your sister (as in me)''. which she hadnt been doing he just needed to take his anger out, and she replied with something quite bad, whic was along the lines of i hope your dad dies (his dad had cancer and has now passed away). i was shocked that she even said this, now i know my sister she is not an evil person and he really pushed her for her to say something like this, up til this point he always made remarks and digs and she ignored them till she finally said that. this of course sparked an argument between me and him too and i told him he should not have said anything to my sister as he is 4 years older than her and should have been the mature one and not said anyting in the first place. like what does he expect, he can say mean things and the other person will just sit there quiet. now i know what she said was out of order but when i mention what he had done was bad too he goes on the defense saying that i am comparing and what she said was worse. he eventually said he would apologise to her and would sort things with her but after his dad passing he wants nothing to do with her. this was brought up as he was supposed to be meeting with my mother this friday and says that he doesnt want to meet her due to the situation with my sister, i have met his family and sisters and they are sweet especially his mother and had met his dad before he passed also, however one thing that stuck with me when he mentioned this was that he said ''i want you to respect me and my family and tell her that i want nothing to do with her''..this just struck me because where was the respect for me and my family when he said those things to my sister..i know each family has their problems and issues and there would be another set of problems if i was to be with someone else, but i just think will it work between me and him if he doesnt get along with my sister and doesnt want to either, i just want some advice from someone experienced and tell me if im in over my head or it is something that i could work on

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 03/04/2019 11:04

@Palominoo why are you advance searching and linking the ops previous threads? That's very bad form and rather unkind.

Eh? What are you the arbitrator of forum behaviour? The poster has behaved fine. What is bad form is calling out people for something that is perfectly within forum guidelines.

Really, stand down.

Shoxfordian · 03/04/2019 11:14

You need to leave him asap

Palominoo · 03/04/2019 11:15

Thank you Bluntness100.

A wider view of the Op's relationship help gives a better insight into what is going on making it easier to give advice.

The op comes across to me as being young and her previous posts are of a similar vein to this one where she describes how awful her boyfriend is.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
GucciDay · 03/04/2019 11:59

'A wider view of the Op's relationship help gives a better insight into what is going on making it easier to give advice.'

It isn't up to you to link other threads. The op is usually the one to provide relevant info but crack on with your research.

GucciDay · 03/04/2019 12:02

'Eh? What are you the arbitrator of forum behaviour? The poster has behaved fine. What is bad form is calling out people for something that is perfectly within forum guidelines.'

As they've been deleted I think we can agree it isn't 'within forum guidelines'. People wonder why posters nc so much and it's because of stalking crap like this.

Fairenuff · 03/04/2019 12:04

Gucci it's ok to link threads. Sometimes posters spend a lot of time trying to help someone who has no intention of making any changes. Seeing thread after thread of 'post and disappear' highlights a pattern. If people still want to keep trying to engage with the OP, that's fine they can but it's also helpful to know they might be wasting their time.

Also, anything anyone posts on a public forum is open for all to read. Some people forget that too.

reallyanotherone · 03/04/2019 12:04

sister as he is 4 years older than her and should have been the mature one

If she’s 7, yes. If they’re adults, they should both be “the mature one”, being mature adults and all.

GucciDay · 03/04/2019 12:08

'Also, anything anyone posts on a public forum is open for all to read. Some people forget that too.'

Of course it is, but to AS and link several previous threads is rather ott. Just comment on info provided.

Fairenuff · 03/04/2019 12:11

Oh I see, it's just the linking that you object to. It would be ok then to say that OP has started several threads previously, complaining about abuse from her boyfriend.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/04/2019 12:30

OP

I've read through your post - please listen to what people are telling you.

Leave this man now. THIS MINUTE!

If you marry him you will be stepping into a life of abuse of all kinds - physical, mental, emotional and financial, and he will cut you off from family and friends so that you have no-one to turn to for help and support when the day comes when you try to get out of the marriage - possibly with a couple of babies in your arms!

It doesn't matter what he tells people, or how much he blackens your name or your sister's - none of that is worth your first black eye or broken jaw; none of it is worth being raped within your marriage; none of it is worth being isolated from the people who REALLY love you.

You aren't a bad person - you are just very naive and I think you don't realise that he is, at present on his good behaviour. Think of that. When you are married and you are committed to him, he will stop being "nice" and will really start to behave badly.

Can you imagine what he is going to be like, if this is how he treats you now? Your life, and your children's lives will be HELL. There is no other word for it. You will have no life of your own at all - you will be his slave and his punch-bag.

He is an awful, horrible person. Please listen, pack your things and go home to your family. If you lose face - so what?! At least you keep it in one piece.

He goaded your sister into responding to him, and he did it in the most horrible way imaginable. He wants a reason to stop you seeing your family. He wants you isolated and alone. He wants to control everything you do.

Please leave. Don't tell him you're leaving, just wait until he's out, pack your stuff and go. And thank your sister from the bottom of your heart because she's obviously seen through him, and has now helped you to see him as he is.

I know it isn't easy - I appreciate you may be frightened of him - but please, please - don't end up as a statistic on the battered women list.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/04/2019 12:38

Sometimes posters spend a lot of time trying to help someone who has no intention of making any changes. Seeing thread after thread of 'post and disappear' highlights a pattern. If people still want to keep trying to engage with the OP, that's fine they can but it's also helpful to know they might be wasting their time.

You are right Fairenuff - I know that's true,

But violent, abusive men aren't easy to leave. On average a woman attempts to leave an abusive relationship seven times before she succeeds. Some never manage to get away; they continue in lives of terrified secrecy, or they end up on a mortuary slab.

These threads may be OP's attempts. If e can persuade her how much danger she's in, and help her to make the decision to get out while she can still walk away (quite literally!), then surely we should try.

RagingWhoreBag · 03/04/2019 12:44

I haven’t read any of your other threads OP and haven’t gone through every post on this one, but my first thought was...

i told him to leave it and he continued to message her anyway and say really nasty things that were just uncalled for, such as, hope you get raped and your dad beats you

...This should be the reason you don’t get married.

Any man who wishes rape and violence
upon a woman is not a respectful and kind man. If he thinks this is an appropriate punishment for someone who steps out of line, you will have a lifetime of (at least threats of) violence and rape. You deserve better - everyone does.

PastaOfMuppets · 03/04/2019 13:00

WTF did I just read

Fairenuff · 03/04/2019 13:24

OP is not married yet. Everyone is telling her not to marry him. She can do that at least. Leaving him may take a little longer.

SilverySurfer · 03/04/2019 13:27

How many threads do you need where 100% of posters tell you to dump him? Your self respect must be in the gutter for you to stay with a piece of scum who actually told your sister that he hopes she gets raped. He has stolen money from you, he has hit you, he has cheated on you.

What will it take?

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/04/2019 13:30

Please please ltb.

Ellenborough · 03/04/2019 13:46

And I'm just worried about how he will twist the situation and not tell anyone the other side of the story.

Why do you even care how he might twist the story? You don't live with him, you don't know his family well, he barely knows yours. What difference does it make?

Let him twist away. Who is he going to tell who will even give a shit? He's an unreliable liar and a parasite who hits you, abuses your trust, steals your money says truly heinous things to your family.

Acis · 03/04/2019 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Drogosnextwife · 03/04/2019 14:09

So......
You start multiple threads about your bf and how shit he is, as far as I can see you never reply to any responses (but then I can't get into any previous threads not sure why) and only now you are realising he is a piece of shit? Hmm

LuvSmallDogs · 03/04/2019 14:14

OP, don’t worry about how this guy will twist things to others. Ok, people talk and it’s shit when through deliberate or accidental misrepresentation they get the story wrong. I’m from a small community where everyone gossips, and as a friend said “sometimes I hear things about me even I didn’t know”.

But you can’t live your life worrying about that. In a few years there will be gossip over yet another of your ex’s gfs saying he’s said and done horrible things. His real self will eventually damage his rep, people like him can’t keep their mask on forever. Meanwhile you will be happy, with or without someone else, and people will forget what he said, or say “Sabrina’s ex said these things about her, but she’s always been so kind, I can’t believe it’s true”.

HotpotLawyer · 03/04/2019 15:01

Sabrina1234 you are not a horrible person, you are a woman in an abusive relationship.

Emotional abuse and abusuve control take away your self esteem and make you feel afraid to act. The longer you stay with this man the more you will lose your ability to rescue yourself.

Many of the things he does are classic, textbook emotional abuse and control. Including making you think people will think badly if you.

They won’t. Your sister, for starters, knows what a piece of work he is.

It’s sad his Dad died. I have no doubt that you have already supported him throughout that. And in return for your supports he abuses you. Steals your money, sleeps with other women etc etc.
Support is a mutual thing. And you do not have to sacrifice your life to his sadness.

Gather help and support around yourself. MN will support you, who is in your family, workspace or friends who will be on your side?

You have a much happier life ahead of you OP, and you deserve to go out and get it.

mbosnz · 03/04/2019 15:15

If your sister is the reason that you don't marry this sorry excuse for a man, you will be forever in her debt.

Don't walk, OP, RUN! Away from this man as fast as your legs can take you. . .

NWQM · 03/04/2019 15:50

@sabrina1234 why are worried about how he might twist things?

You need to be worried about how he is. You fall out with your sister. He hoped she'd be raped as a result!!!!

WTF has never felt more appropriate.

And here's three other letters LTB

colehawlins · 03/04/2019 15:57

Eh? What are you the arbitrator of forum behaviour? The poster has behaved fine. What is bad form is calling out people for something that is perfectly within forum guidelines.

Really, stand down.

@GucciDay is quite right. ASing and linking has always been frowned on here. Which MNHQ has confirmed by deleting @Palominoo ´s posts.

So, really @Bluntness100 - you "stand down", eh?

IvanaPee · 03/04/2019 16:02

Even any of these threads are actually real then all I’ll say is who gives a shit what he says to other people??

As if that even matters in the scheme of all of this. 🙄