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Original poster

my sister may be the reason i may not get married

197 replies

sabrina1234 · 03/04/2019 00:59

so i dont want to make it seem like my sister has been the only person in the wrong. but i think explaining the situation will give a better picture of the situation.
so basically my boyfriend and sister seemed to get along in the beginning until my bf started being petty. so it all started from me being on facetime with my sister, he overheard that she wasnt letting me borrow her headphones and once she left the room he said shes disrespectful and will give her some words. i told him to leave it and he continued to message her anyway and say really nasty things that were just uncalled for, such as ,,hope you get raped and your dad beats you and you should respect your sister''. this really upset me and he never apologised. my sister obviously replied back to him and was extremely upset over it and so was i. i was dumb to have never made him apologise and was doing the apologising to both of them. then the second situation he messaged my sister by logging into my facebook account after me and him had an argument and started saying things like ''why have you been talking shit about me to your sister (as in me)''. which she hadnt been doing he just needed to take his anger out, and she replied with something quite bad, whic was along the lines of i hope your dad dies (his dad had cancer and has now passed away). i was shocked that she even said this, now i know my sister she is not an evil person and he really pushed her for her to say something like this, up til this point he always made remarks and digs and she ignored them till she finally said that. this of course sparked an argument between me and him too and i told him he should not have said anything to my sister as he is 4 years older than her and should have been the mature one and not said anyting in the first place. like what does he expect, he can say mean things and the other person will just sit there quiet. now i know what she said was out of order but when i mention what he had done was bad too he goes on the defense saying that i am comparing and what she said was worse. he eventually said he would apologise to her and would sort things with her but after his dad passing he wants nothing to do with her. this was brought up as he was supposed to be meeting with my mother this friday and says that he doesnt want to meet her due to the situation with my sister, i have met his family and sisters and they are sweet especially his mother and had met his dad before he passed also, however one thing that stuck with me when he mentioned this was that he said ''i want you to respect me and my family and tell her that i want nothing to do with her''..this just struck me because where was the respect for me and my family when he said those things to my sister..i know each family has their problems and issues and there would be another set of problems if i was to be with someone else, but i just think will it work between me and him if he doesnt get along with my sister and doesnt want to either, i just want some advice from someone experienced and tell me if im in over my head or it is something that i could work on

OP posts:
Original poster
sabrina1234 · 03/04/2019 16:09

I am 22

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 03/04/2019 16:15

I’m sorry I only resf until he said ‘I hope you get raped’ wow!! Just wow!!! There’s no way I’d be with anyone, let alone marry anyone who said these words to another human being. Revolting!

Bluntness100 · 03/04/2019 16:16

I have no idea why those posts linking to the other threads were deleted, I can't see anything in the talk guidelines which says this is not permitted,

Can someone else see it and post it?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
isseywithcats · 03/04/2019 16:18

yeah but no but yeah but no but you sound like something from jeremy kyle all this angst and slagging each other off over a set of headphones, my other half if my sister had said no would have gone down the shops and bought me a new set of headphones, and just think if he said those awful things to your sister over something so petty what would he say to you over a major row between you, i would get rid of him and make up with your sister

colehawlins · 03/04/2019 16:25

I have no idea why those posts linking to the other threads were deleted, I can't see anything in the talk guidelines which says this is not permitted,

Can someone else see it and post it?

MNHQ have always taken the line that it's "not in the spirit".

GucciDay · 03/04/2019 16:35

'Can someone else see it and post it?'

Is it really too hard to see it's at best unkind and actually very unpleasant to link a load of ops previous threads? It was done in a sneery way.

Maybe report your post and ask mnhq to spell it out for you.

'So, really Bluntness100 - you "stand down", eh?'

Grin
HotpotLawyer · 03/04/2019 17:33

Sabrina1234 Although the horrendous 'rape' comment to your sister has rightly attracted most outrage on this thread (and it sows his horrible mind and view of women - it really is quite sinister), I would sugest you don't rush in and tell him this is why you are leaving him. He will just pass it off as 'just saying / I don't really mean that/ it's just words' etc.

You are in a very unhealthy unpleasant relationship with a horrible man. You don't actually have to give reasons, and he certainly doesn't have to approve them, you can just leave and say 'this relationship is not for me anymore'. Any reasons will just encourage him to suck you into arguing about them, or be a starting point for him to criticise , insult and tell you you are wrong about your reasons.

Get some support network , tell someone on your side you are leaving him, make any arrangements you need to make - 100% change all your passwords, bank card PIN numbers, online log ins that he knows, and leave him.

Do you live with him?

Acis · 03/04/2019 17:54

MNHQ really need to make up their minds about referencing older threads. If they provide a facility that allows people to search against people's usernames, it does appear a tad hypocritical to say that they mustn't use that facility, or that if they do they must pretend they haven't. Resorting to "not in the spirit" is simply a cop-out.

greathat · 03/04/2019 18:10

Lol my immediate thought was take it on Jeremy Kyle. I was beaten to it though

Starlight456 · 03/04/2019 18:14

7 pages of advice and you reply I am 22.

Do the posts make sense to you ?

Do you see how abusive he is ?

HotpotLawyer · 03/04/2019 18:21

Starlight, the OP posted a substantial update stating that she knows she needs to leave but expressing her fears.

It would be helpful, given this, if other posters could take the thread etiquette discussion. elsewhere, and the thread could support the OP to make a move.

Ruru8thestars · 03/04/2019 18:57

You need to leave he is awful

RiotAndAlarum · 03/04/2019 19:21

Look, I understand being frightened of a man who wishes rape and beating on someone else just to warn you not to thwart him in any way but the "respect" business is even more chilling. LTB.

Original poster
sabrina1234 · 03/04/2019 22:44

No I don't live with him. The thing that is killing me and that I'm confused about is that although all this bad stuff has happened, we connect so much, have so many interests in common, and have such a blast when we're together, he's been the first man I've dated and my first love. But it has made me blind to the unacceptable. And the thing I feel the worst about is leaving him when his dad has just passed away, I promised to be there for him. And now I'm trying to find a way out. But the person I feel the most bad for is my sister, she really didn't deserve any of it and I shouldn't have allowed it

OP posts:
TapasForTwo · 03/04/2019 22:47

The good stuff doesn't cancel out the bad stuff. Your BF's behaviour is totally unacceptable.

LovingLola · 03/04/2019 22:59

she really didn't deserve any of it

No she didn’t.
But it is not your fault.
And you don’t deserve any of it either.
You are 22 years old. Please do not throw away your future by staying with this vile man. There is nothing good or worthwhile about him.

HotpotLawyer · 03/04/2019 23:17

Yes of course there are / have been good things, and you need to believe that you deserve and can get those good times with a man who treasures you, treats you with respect all the time supports you.

Have a look at The Freedom Programme, an online course you can do to help you recognise abusive behaviour and learn not to blame yourself.

mathanxiety · 04/04/2019 05:50

You don't owe him anything, Sabrina.

You didn't cause this abuse.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

The only person you can have any effect on in this is you.
You have the power to walk away. You have the power to let his words slide off your back.

The best way to deal with this is to walk away and ignore him for the rest of your life. He will get bored trying to get a rise out of you very soon. Men like him are nothing if not lazy.

You will feel much better when the chaos and drama are over.

Please do the Women's Aid Freedom Programme and learn how to focus on yourself and to stop needing to be needed.

Your whole life is ahead of you and you should be in no hurry to get your future all wrapped up. Take your time. Do yourself justice.

Belenus · 04/04/2019 06:48

he's been the first man I've dated and my first love. But it has made me blind to the unacceptable

Yes. There are plenty of other men out there who are fundamentally decent and won't threaten to rape your sister. You can connect with them too and you'll find it will be a much better connection because you're not always waiting for the change into something else. It's great you don't live with him, it makes it less difficult to split. And don't feel beholden to people over circumstances. It's bad that his dad died, but really he'll have to cope on his own as you don't owe him a relationship.

Ellenborough · 04/04/2019 11:01

MNHQ really need to make up their minds about referencing older threads. If they provide a facility that allows people to search against people's usernames, it does appear a tad hypocritical to say that they mustn't use that facility

I completely agree.

Ellenborough · 04/04/2019 11:10

The thing that is killing me and that I'm confused about is that although all this bad stuff has happened, we connect so much, have so many interests in common, and have such a blast when we're together

None of that outweighs all the truly shit things he says and does.

he's been the first man I've dated and my first love

Yes but you come from a family where you father will casually punch your sister. So what do you know about proper, loving, respectful relationships and decent men who are able to control their anger and their urge to lash out at women AT ALL?

If you give yourself the time and space to find out what a decent, loving, respectful, properly functioning relationship looks like, you might actually find one .

But the person I feel the most bad for is my sister, she really didn't deserve any of it and I shouldn't have allowed it

And yet...you did. And you are still putting him before her.

Do your parents know what he said to her? Do you think if they knew he said that to their daughter you'd have any hope of ever integrating him happily into your family? Confused

What culture are you from?

FunkyChunk · 04/04/2019 11:33

Abuser's guidebook page 1: distance your partner from family and friends so they become more dependent on you.

Leave him

differentnameforthis · 04/04/2019 11:37

I read to the part that your "boyfriend" said he hoped your sister gets raped.

HE should be the reason you don't get married, he should be dumped on his abusive fucking arse!!!

Just remember this if you DO decide to marry him...

a man that should be proving to your family that he will take care of you and look after you is showing his true colours towards your sister. He WILL show you, too. In time. Can you love with abuse for the rest of your life?

differentnameforthis · 04/04/2019 11:43

*live

GucciDay · 04/04/2019 12:05

'If they provide a facility that allows people to search against people's usernames, it does appear a tad hypocritical to say that they mustn't use that facility'

There's a difference between AS and then actually c&p several links onto a current thread. It wasn't done in a helpful way.