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20 year old daughter will not turn loud music down, how would you deal with it?

118 replies

ArchieTheGuineaPig · 16/03/2019 18:14

Because I clearly can't fuck up again or it will be continuously thrown in my face. When she was about 11 and my partner hit her on her leg, I said he would never dare do that again or he would be gone. He did it again and I told him to get out this was around a couple months later. Every time we argue she uses it to try and get to me "you let him hit me again". I know it's to make me feel bad but I said I was sorry but I thought he wouldn't. She then just goes on about it saying once is too much etc etc etc she now has gone to her room and has her music pretty loud, I told her to turn it down and she says "no" so I said well you'll need to leave if you can't respect the house. She says "I have to leave? Erm no mum, I'm sure I'll get a second chance too, maybe even more considering what I'm doing isn't illegal". It's a co stand battle. Is told her if she hates and resents me so much, why bother living with me. She says where else do I expect her to go when she is a "poor student" please tell me she is rude and obnoxious? I do what I can for her

OP posts:
ArchieTheGuineaPig · 16/03/2019 18:59

Honestly I can be sure no other abuse happened. She blames it specifically on the fear of those 2 times and the general actions around that and how I responded etc etc she didn't even care for a couple of years and then brought it up again.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 16/03/2019 19:04

Yep.

WiFi off until she starts being a bit more respectful

Motherofcreek · 16/03/2019 19:05

Ok.

I’d offer her councilling then. If it’s impacted her so much you will help her find councilling.

But at the same time if she cannot get along with you in your home - as an adult she can move out.

There is no good to come from allowing your adult kids to manipulate you. It’s not a positive time for her to take in to adulthood

Comefromaway · 16/03/2019 19:05

So your ex smacked her legs when she was a child, you made him leave because of it and she’s still using it against you?

She’s manipulative and either she follows the rules of the house or she finds somewhere else to live.

TheBossOfMe · 16/03/2019 19:05

When you say he hit her on the leg, what exactly did he do and in what context?

It feels to me that either it was a bigger incident than you're saying, or she's trying to tell you something else went on.

Nancy74 · 16/03/2019 19:05

When you say your ex partner was 'shouty' what do you mean? Is it possible you are underplaying all this?

thesnapandfartisinfallible · 16/03/2019 19:07

Not without electricity it doesn't Grin

TapasForTwo · 16/03/2019 19:12

"It feels to me that either it was a bigger incident than you're saying, or she's trying to tell you something else went on."

This ^^ or she is manipulative.

ArchieTheGuineaPig · 16/03/2019 19:13

He hadn't been moved in long and hit her for telling him to go away. He did shout a lot "how very dare you talk to an adult like that" and hit her on the leg with a can of hairspray. Like I say I never expected him to be like this. He was always great with her before he moved in but completely changed to "if I'm raising her, I'll do it my way thanks" like I say, awful and different person when moved in and I got rid of him very quickly, as I said.

OP posts:
TheBossOfMe · 16/03/2019 19:25

A grown man shouting at an 11 year old and hitting her with a metal object must have been terrifying, and painful. And yes, she probably does feel resentful that you allowed it to happen again. Personally I'd have kicked him out first time.

But that doesn't allow her to behave poorly - you need to separate the two issues in her head. Talk to her. Acknowledge that you didn't handle it well. Is family counselling an option? But also tell her that you expect her to behave like an adult in the house.

How loud can the music possibly be if its just from a laptop speaker???

TheBossOfMe · 16/03/2019 19:26

Oh and stop threatening to throw her out. She's doing her A-levels. Cut her a bit of slack.

ArchieTheGuineaPig · 16/03/2019 19:27

I will of course support her to go to counselling but I definitely wouldn't want to do it together. I think it will end in big problems. It's loud enough that I can hear it in my bedroom.

OP posts:
Lungelady · 16/03/2019 19:28

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anniehm · 16/03/2019 19:29

My student dd lives at home, we set ground rules and if she doesn't follow them I made it clear she can move out

RaspberryBubblegum · 16/03/2019 19:30

Have you switched WiFi off? Spotify won't work without Internet unless she pays for Spotify and has downloaded the music.

Singlenotsingle · 16/03/2019 19:32

I always used to switch the electricity supply off

killpop · 16/03/2019 19:33

If this has been going on for years, why hasn't she had counselling?

Motherofcreek · 16/03/2019 19:37

Turn the WiFi off.

Lung that’s out of order

Designerenvy · 16/03/2019 19:37

Tell her to stop or move out. Your house your rules ! She's a brat....sorry but she is. She s manipulating you and you're letting her cos you feel guilty over something that happened years ago and you acted on it. You didn't let the abuse go on....you dealt with it , you chose your dd, as you should.
You did the right thing, now she needs to respect you and you need to stand up to her.
Show her the door.....she won't be long changing her ways.

TheBossOfMe · 16/03/2019 19:39

Why will counselling end in big problems? If it helps her, isn't that a priority for you if you don't want to lose her? Telling her you were hit as a child just sounds like you are minimising her experience, which you admit was real. I think you need to rethink your approach to this - and telling her to just get over it sucks as a response.

Sounds like music volume is the least of your problems, TBH

Singlenotsingle · 16/03/2019 19:39

Could you do a bit of research and see if there is a hostel somewhere not too far away?You could arrange a place for her there. She's behaving like a child, not a fully grown adult.

whathaveiforgottentoday · 16/03/2019 19:40

She's definitely manipulating you. I'd take the fuse out of the plug, most kids have no idea how to fix this. Or just do what my Dad did and cut the plug off (he did that to family TV.)
Is she paying her way? Who pays for her mobile phone etc as you could stop all her payments. You have no obligations to keep her at 20 years old and sounds like she needs a wake up call to the real world. I had an abusive father and she sounds like she's enjoying playing the victim.

FaFoutis · 16/03/2019 19:48

I would go a whole different way about this. To get her to respect you she needs to care about you and value your good opinion of her. It needs long term action starting with you understanding her perspective, that means never saying 'I'm sorry, but..'.

I think there's more to it with the hitting. Something else has happened and it might not be the man you moved in. She needs to trust you. Stop threatening to throw her out.

FaFoutis · 16/03/2019 19:49

Plus, the loud music is to get your attention. There's no need for it these days otherwise.

ThunderStorms · 16/03/2019 19:54

Change the password on the WiFi, then you can keep using it.

She’s now veering into emotional abuse.

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