20 year old daughter will not turn loud music down, how would you deal with it?

[ArchieTheGuineaPig]

Because I clearly can't fuck up again or it will be continuously thrown in my face. When she was about 11 and my partner hit her on her leg, I said he would never dare do that again or he would be gone. He did it again and I told him to get out this was around a couple months later. Every time we argue she uses it to try and get to me "you let him hit me again". I know it's to make me feel bad but I said I was sorry but I thought he wouldn't. She then just goes on about it saying once is too much etc etc etc she now has gone to her room and has her music pretty loud, I told her to turn it down and she says "no" so I said well you'll need to leave if you can't respect the house. She says "I have to leave? Erm no mum, I'm sure I'll get a second chance too, maybe even more considering what I'm doing isn't illegal". It's a co stand battle. Is told her if she hates and resents me so much, why bother living with me. She says where else do I expect her to go when she is a "poor student" please tell me she is rude and obnoxious? I do what I can for her

[Orlandointhewilderness]

Take the plug off. My dad did - we soon learned!

[TheBossOfMe]

Discussed between the counsellor and the DD. Not the DD and the OP - she says as much upthread.

She should have kicked him out the first time. She didn’t. She allowed a repeat of the initial assault. That entitles the DD to some anger IMO.

I also don’t understand the angst over a bit of loud music at 6pm. She’s not doing much to warrant such an overreaction from the OP.

[Ozziewozzie]

Thebossofme It obviously has been discussed otherwise the councillor would not have been able to ascertain as to whether or not any damage has been caused.
My point is that the daughter is using this incident to qualify negative behaviours and to insult and berate her mother. The daughter before the incident seemed to display difficulties in respectful behaviour.
What ops dp did was disgusting. The op kicked him out, standing up for her daughter.
I really feel that the daughter is being manipulative just as she was before the incident.
If her behaviour had changed since then, I'd sgeee.

[TheBossOfMe]

Ozziewozzie - I don't think it has been discussed, according to the OP she didn't think much about it until a counsellor (not related to this matter) pointed out the damage caused. And she only kicked him out after the behaviour was repeated - that's not good.

I don't think this young woman will heal until her mother engages with her on the subject - preferably through family counselling.

[Ozziewozzie]

You need to not engage in conversations with your daughter anymore ref the hitting incident. It has been discussed and she has had counselling. Draw a line in your own mind.
Each time she raises the topic you just say calmly, but firmly, short phrases such as
' I did not allow you to be hit'
'I kicked him out for you because He was wrong, HE did wrong.
I did right.
Then walk away and flip down the switch for her room in the fuse box. Don't let her see how you do it.
When she comes down ranting at you, just reiterate what you've said and say very bluntly what level of music you will allow. ( or headphones) she either accepts or music stays off. Then ignore her until she agrees. But never let her see how you turn it off xxx

[Sewrainbow]

Mortyvicar has a very good point I think. At a young age she saw someone she thought was nice turn bad towards her and she can't rationalise it, I expect that would lead to trust issues.

[Palace13]

I don't blame your daughter for being damaged by what's happened. She can't help that. But she can help her behaviour. Have you ever had a real proper heart to heart about your ex and the effect of his abuse?
Sounds to me like she's goading you like an adolescent would because she needs some kind of reaction from you. It's very sad that she's still using it as a stick to beat you with, even after you did the right thing and got rid of him. But it shows that she's still hurting and she's dealing with it by punishing you.
Can you sit her down and say honestly that you want to clear the air with her before she leaves for Uni? Tell her you understand that what happened was awful for her, and you hate the fact that it happened, but that you can't go on like this? Sometimes what people really need is validation of their feelings, especially from their mother.
If she feels you actually get her, that you're not dismissing her hurt, she may feel some relief and maybe start communicating with you like an adult instead of a stroppy teenager.

[Twillow]

I have had a similar situation. My daughter lived with abuse to both of us from her father for a long time before I found the courage to leave.
She was angry at him but also at me. I thought an apology from me was enough and didn't understand the anger and blame towards me - I expected her to understand that the abuse was not my responsibility.
Her behaviour was severe and mirrored some of her fathers, breaking things and terrible angry rants.
She said that I needed counselling to 'stop calling myself a victim'.
I was willing to do anything to help her and the situation and did find a wonderful counsellor, who helped me see that I was trapped in another co-dependent relationship, with my daughter this time!
I started to enable less - do less for her, stop digging her out of her messes, setting a rent, not doing her laundry etc. She responded by growing up! It was amazing actually. She has her moments but is now a pleasant person, much more considerate towards me. We have come to be friends where we were almost at the point of asking her to leave.

She is your child. The hurt she feels is real and I would strongly encourage you not to minimize it or expect her to just get over it. The effect she says it is having on her relationships is worrying and suggests her trust has been damaged.
At the same time gradually step up your 'house rules', perhaps in the form of 'training for independent living' - expect there to be initial resistance but do not engage in arguments.
State your needs calmly and without a suggestion of not complying -
e.g. 'turn it down' rather than 'can/will you turn it down?. Subtle difference but works.

[ArchieTheGuineaPig]

It's just us at home yes. She is also moving to uni in September if her a levels go to plan (she has offers from unis) so I am hoping things will be better then. Also worried it will be worse and she will distance herself completely

[HollowTalk]

Not much use if the girl is using the battery on her laptop!

[Gobblebox]

When she is out get the plug sockets disabled. Very easy to do. Job done. Nothing to argue about. There is only room for one woman in my household.

[HollowTalk]

Is it just the two of you in the house, OP?

Does she intend to go away to university in September?

I know you want to make sure you continue to have a relationship with her - the thought of that not happening is terrifying. Someone above mentioned family therapy - I think this would be a really good idea.

[ArchieTheGuineaPig]

Sorry all ended up turning the WiFi off and I had no data!! So that really did bite me in the arse. She called me pathetic and then sat in the bath for hours. Things are ok today. She is usually okay but a bit of a nightmare if we argue (which we had done and that's why I started the thread) thanks for the help

[Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld]

I think you both have issues and you're relationship will never change until something shifts. Do you have any relatives she can go and stay with, is her dad an option? 20 yo or not she's clearly vulnerable and throwing her out will only exacerbate this. She will feel you have abandoned her again. Also it's not clear in your post whether she is involved with MH services or just a private therapist? From my totally unqualified reading of your post, it sounds like she has a MH issue that needs proper support.

Also not wanting to be harsh OP, but whether DD has MH issues or is just immature and spoilt (not my view, but seems to be what some on this thread are intimating) you need to take responsibility for your role in either scenario. Either you left her vulnerable to abuse and minimised this OR you failed to pull her up on her behaviour a long time ago. You're annoyed at yourself, not her.

[TheBossOfMe]

The mother allowed an adult to abuse and assault her 11 year old daughter, and has barely even allowed the daughter to express that she was hurt. I'm really struggling with some of the responses on this thread. This was a small child badly let down by her mother, who put her own desires ahead of her child. And has subsequently minimised, excused and refused to address her actions:

"I tell her that I was hit as a child. She tells me her leg almost got broken twice, it's not the same. I remember it like yesterday and I wouldn't say her leg was almost broken. It's like she wants it worse."

"I would love to tell her look enough is enough get over it"

That doesn't sound like the words of a loving mother helping her daughter to deal with being assaulted.

I also don't see what the big deal is about loud music (it can't be that blooming loud without decent speakers) at 6pm.

[10IAR]

Really? That's what cutting the cable would amount to

Only if you're too dim to realise it's actually really easy to put the plug back on afterwards.

But aye let's all make out that this adult is entitled to abuse and intimidate her mother eh?

[Graziass]

Teen plays loud music. It's hardly revolutionary. I can't believe the extreme reactions suggested - destroy her computer? Really? That's what cutting the cable would amount to.
OP you clearly have a poor relationship but is it really so bad you want to alianate her forever?
Everyone in the house should have headphones. Get yourself some noise cancelling ones.

[Aquilla]

It sounds like you should've kept blokey on the scene...

[Adeste]

Her experience sounds terrifying. The extent of her physical injuries is a red herring.
As gently as I can, but it needs saying OP that I don’t get the feeling you’ve really engaged with what happened to her. At a minimum I think you should both go for family counselling together.

If I have this right she’s 20 years old, doing A-levels which is incredibly stressful, and effectively ‘trapped’ under your roof for economic and educational reasons. It’s not surprising to see a re-emergence of a trauma from an earlier period when she was trapped in your house, unable to escape a stressful situation.

I think you need to ride out the a-levels. Even without the other issues it’s a tough time for young people. I know she’s 20, but it’s not unusual for children who are abused to be emotionally immature.

But in the longer term if you really want a relationship with this young woman you need to face up to what happened. I was a child of the 70s and smacking was fairly normal but hitting children with metal objects was not. I genuinely do understand how even a decade ago the level of acceptance of domestic violence was blurred compared with today. And when violence is normalized in childhood it’s an uphill battle to learn proper boundaries. In a sense you both need to see this situation through the lens of three different generations to fully understand each other’s perspective in it.

I know many pp’s have suggested counselling for your daughter but I strongly encourage you to consider it too, as your own boundaries in regard to both his and her behaviour are not as robust as they should ideally be.

for both of you

[canihaveyourstupidhat]

My mother called me horrible names a few times when I was a small child. It was a relatively minor thing and she soon learned better ways to cope and stopped doing it, but it affected me for a long time and I think that was mainly because of how she reacted when I brought it up later. She'd minimise it and try to justify it and tell me it was years ago and everything had been fine since then so I should be over it. But I wasn't ready to discuss it with her until a couple of years after it stopped so I didn't feel like I'd ever had a chance to get over it, when I needed to talk about it she just dismissed it because it was so long ago.

My mother always assumed I was just bringing it up to make her feel bad (I did often do it during arguments) but really I just needed her to acknowledge she'd hurt me and apologize without treating me like I was overreacting and had no right to still be upset about it.

I think something similar might be going on with your daughter. Going to counselling with her is probably the thing that's most likely to help repair your relationship with her, and counselling on her own to help her deal with the effects of the abuse could also be helpful.

[HogMother]

Family therapy. It may help you both understand decisions made by both of you in the past. And I feel nothing else, help her understand that you understand. Validate her experience, and stop it being used against you.
About the music though, I don’t know. Shut off the WiFi and the electricity, and wait for the laptop to die. She will tell you this is preventing her doing uni work though. At this point I’d offer a lift to the library where they have WiFi, power, and also rules about being quiet.

[MortyVicar]

If she was telling him to go away she obviously didn't want him there, and his reaction cemented that.

Can I offer a different possible explanation? I'm taking it from this -

He hadn't been moved in long and hit her for telling him to go away. He did shout a lot "how very dare you talk to an adult like that" and hit her on the leg with a can of hairspray. Like I say I never expected him to be like this. He was always great with her before he moved in but completely changed to "if I'm raising her, I'll do it my way thanks" like I say, awful and different person when moved in

I think maybe she's focussing on the hitting because it's 'concrete' but that potentially the real issue isn't that. She's seen someone who was fun and kind turn into an abusive bully as soon as he got his feet under the table. And I suspect that this is her problem with men. She won't let them get close for fear that, however lovely they seem at the start, when they've wormed their way in they too will change and become abusive. In her mind possibly she believes that the early niceness is an act, but that they'll soon show their true colours. And it's affected her to the point where she believes that all men are the same. and will do the same.

She recognises that her feelings are connected to him and his behaviour, and so is blaming you because you're the reason he was there even if you couldn't possibly have seen this coming.

Maybe try a different tack with her, talk to her about how he was a rotten egg, but that doesn't mean they all are. If you haven't had a partner since, do you have friends who are with lovely men you can use as examples?

[Pavlova31]

Change the WiFi router password so she has no control over it .

[Palominoo]

She's 20 and in charge of her own destiny. If she wants to seek counselling or self help then she can.

Point out to her that whilst she has grounds to feel that she was abused, she has now become the abuser.

The ex has long gone and I'm sure you have been kind to her in the years since.

She is holding on to a few past events and using them as leverage to get her own way.

For her own good you need to discourage her bad behaviour and help her move on and enjoy life and be respectful to others.

[Palominoo]

Take her bedroom door off its hinges.

When she goes out remove all devices that play music.