20 year old daughter will not turn loud music down, how would you deal with it?

[ArchieTheGuineaPig]

Because I clearly can't fuck up again or it will be continuously thrown in my face. When she was about 11 and my partner hit her on her leg, I said he would never dare do that again or he would be gone. He did it again and I told him to get out this was around a couple months later. Every time we argue she uses it to try and get to me "you let him hit me again". I know it's to make me feel bad but I said I was sorry but I thought he wouldn't. She then just goes on about it saying once is too much etc etc etc she now has gone to her room and has her music pretty loud, I told her to turn it down and she says "no" so I said well you'll need to leave if you can't respect the house. She says "I have to leave? Erm no mum, I'm sure I'll get a second chance too, maybe even more considering what I'm doing isn't illegal". It's a co stand battle. Is told her if she hates and resents me so much, why bother living with me. She says where else do I expect her to go when she is a "poor student" please tell me she is rude and obnoxious? I do what I can for her

[Whereareyouspot]

There must be more to this story?

If she is using it just to hurt you then why did she mention it to the counsellor when she had sessions before?

OP talk to her but be firm
Apologise again that you didn’t throw him out first time but say you made an error you regret it and the effect it had on her trusting you and you genuinely mean that but would like to move on. Rehashing it endlessly isn’t helping. That her using this as reason to continuously be rude needs to stop for both of your sakes

She is an adult now and that you would like an adult relationship with her. Would she start again? Agree to both be respectful, work on mutual respect and try to live together peacefully else you will have to ask her to move out.

[OnlyJoking1]

I’d be changing WiFi password.

[SevenMelon]

I'm not quite sure why people are assuming that OP's daughter is manipulative (and even abusive!) rather than actually damaged?

OP I am sure that you feel very guilty - and it is true that you cannot change the past - but I do think that your daughter could well have long-term trust issues. (In her mind) you were meant to protect her and didn't. Yes, she is 20 now but that is still young, and she was even younger when this happened. I also think that kicking your daughter out now would be the end of your relationship.

As an aside, on a site aimed at women, perhaps people could consider the language they use about women? "Little cow ... spoilt brat ... manipulative..." Would you say this about a young man who had been abused by his father's partner?

[FaFoutis]

Yes, reactions on this thread are very strange.

[bagpiss]

Hope all is ok op.
Sorry, Bit late for this reply but spotify does work offline if it's subcribed to because then you can download your music for offline playing.

[longwayoff]

I used to switch electricity off at the mains to remind my son he lived with other people. Couple of minutes, worked well.

[Hollowvictory]

You've not said why she can't use wireless headphones.
Seperate issue, she really dislikes and does not respect you some counselling may help.

[Hollowvictory]

She can access student counselling

[holly1501]

At 20, if they are not abiding to house rules or just generally being disobedient then I would suggest to her it's time she moved out.

[Bluestitch]

Did you kick him out immediately after he hit her with an object? How long did he live there in total? I think people are being quite dismissive of her as it must have been very frightening living with an angry violent man and she must have felt very let down when you gave him another chance. I agree joint counselling might be a good idea.

[sar302]

So it's gone from "he hit her on the leg once and the second time I got rid of him".

To "he was shouty and controlling, hit her with a can of hairspray, and decided he was going to do things HIS way once he moved in"...?

I'm not saying that your daughter should get away with behaving badly now, but you do seem to be slightly in denial about how shit his presence might have been for her.

[longwayoff]

She is testing you to see how much abuse you will take having seen you permit an abusive partner take it to the line, as she sees it, at her expense. This is unlikely to improve without intervention. She feels betrayed.

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Have you admitted to her that you totally fucked up OP?

Anyone who hit my DC would have had the Police called and their bags packed.

I can understand her resentment towards you.

Counselling should help her work through how she feels and allow her to move on.

[Happynow001]

she says she doesn't want anything from me she just wants me to stop being "rude" if I ever mention it

Does she really mean this? If so where does she think the house she lives in, gas, Electricity, food, phone, WiFi, everything else comes from?

How you the two of you ever move on from what happened if she won't even try? You cannot undo the past but are being given no chance for a better future it seems.

I would trying counselling for the two of you together but, failing that, maybe she'd be happier living elsewhere if she sees things are so bad with the two of you living together.

[Ilovelala]

Fuse box

[Cherrysoup]

Phone the neighbour quietly, get them to come round and complain. Long term, she needs to understand that you won’t tolerate this behaviour. Support her to get counselling and remind her you got rid of the bloke for her sake.

[insancerre]

Jenfromtheglen probably has something there
It’s most likely to get a reaction, so just ignore it
Or burst in her room, shout “Tuuuune!!!!!!!!”
And start raving
Proper raving big fish, little fish cardboard box type raving

[Palominoo]

Take her bedroom door off its hinges.

When she goes out remove all devices that play music.

[Palominoo]

She's 20 and in charge of her own destiny. If she wants to seek counselling or self help then she can.

Point out to her that whilst she has grounds to feel that she was abused, she has now become the abuser.

The ex has long gone and I'm sure you have been kind to her in the years since.

She is holding on to a few past events and using them as leverage to get her own way.

For her own good you need to discourage her bad behaviour and help her move on and enjoy life and be respectful to others.

[Pavlova31]

Change the WiFi router password so she has no control over it .

[MortyVicar]

If she was telling him to go away she obviously didn't want him there, and his reaction cemented that.

Can I offer a different possible explanation? I'm taking it from this -

He hadn't been moved in long and hit her for telling him to go away. He did shout a lot "how very dare you talk to an adult like that" and hit her on the leg with a can of hairspray. Like I say I never expected him to be like this. He was always great with her before he moved in but completely changed to "if I'm raising her, I'll do it my way thanks" like I say, awful and different person when moved in

I think maybe she's focussing on the hitting because it's 'concrete' but that potentially the real issue isn't that. She's seen someone who was fun and kind turn into an abusive bully as soon as he got his feet under the table. And I suspect that this is her problem with men. She won't let them get close for fear that, however lovely they seem at the start, when they've wormed their way in they too will change and become abusive. In her mind possibly she believes that the early niceness is an act, but that they'll soon show their true colours. And it's affected her to the point where she believes that all men are the same. and will do the same.

She recognises that her feelings are connected to him and his behaviour, and so is blaming you because you're the reason he was there even if you couldn't possibly have seen this coming.

Maybe try a different tack with her, talk to her about how he was a rotten egg, but that doesn't mean they all are. If you haven't had a partner since, do you have friends who are with lovely men you can use as examples?

[HogMother]

Family therapy. It may help you both understand decisions made by both of you in the past. And I feel nothing else, help her understand that you understand. Validate her experience, and stop it being used against you.
About the music though, I don’t know. Shut off the WiFi and the electricity, and wait for the laptop to die. She will tell you this is preventing her doing uni work though. At this point I’d offer a lift to the library where they have WiFi, power, and also rules about being quiet.

[canihaveyourstupidhat]

My mother called me horrible names a few times when I was a small child. It was a relatively minor thing and she soon learned better ways to cope and stopped doing it, but it affected me for a long time and I think that was mainly because of how she reacted when I brought it up later. She'd minimise it and try to justify it and tell me it was years ago and everything had been fine since then so I should be over it. But I wasn't ready to discuss it with her until a couple of years after it stopped so I didn't feel like I'd ever had a chance to get over it, when I needed to talk about it she just dismissed it because it was so long ago.

My mother always assumed I was just bringing it up to make her feel bad (I did often do it during arguments) but really I just needed her to acknowledge she'd hurt me and apologize without treating me like I was overreacting and had no right to still be upset about it.

I think something similar might be going on with your daughter. Going to counselling with her is probably the thing that's most likely to help repair your relationship with her, and counselling on her own to help her deal with the effects of the abuse could also be helpful.

[Adeste]

Her experience sounds terrifying. The extent of her physical injuries is a red herring.
As gently as I can, but it needs saying OP that I don’t get the feeling you’ve really engaged with what happened to her. At a minimum I think you should both go for family counselling together.

If I have this right she’s 20 years old, doing A-levels which is incredibly stressful, and effectively ‘trapped’ under your roof for economic and educational reasons. It’s not surprising to see a re-emergence of a trauma from an earlier period when she was trapped in your house, unable to escape a stressful situation.

I think you need to ride out the a-levels. Even without the other issues it’s a tough time for young people. I know she’s 20, but it’s not unusual for children who are abused to be emotionally immature.

But in the longer term if you really want a relationship with this young woman you need to face up to what happened. I was a child of the 70s and smacking was fairly normal but hitting children with metal objects was not. I genuinely do understand how even a decade ago the level of acceptance of domestic violence was blurred compared with today. And when violence is normalized in childhood it’s an uphill battle to learn proper boundaries. In a sense you both need to see this situation through the lens of three different generations to fully understand each other’s perspective in it.

I know many pp’s have suggested counselling for your daughter but I strongly encourage you to consider it too, as your own boundaries in regard to both his and her behaviour are not as robust as they should ideally be.

for both of you