20 year old daughter will not turn loud music down, how would you deal with it?

[ArchieTheGuineaPig]

Because I clearly can't fuck up again or it will be continuously thrown in my face. When she was about 11 and my partner hit her on her leg, I said he would never dare do that again or he would be gone. He did it again and I told him to get out this was around a couple months later. Every time we argue she uses it to try and get to me "you let him hit me again". I know it's to make me feel bad but I said I was sorry but I thought he wouldn't. She then just goes on about it saying once is too much etc etc etc she now has gone to her room and has her music pretty loud, I told her to turn it down and she says "no" so I said well you'll need to leave if you can't respect the house. She says "I have to leave? Erm no mum, I'm sure I'll get a second chance too, maybe even more considering what I'm doing isn't illegal". It's a co stand battle. Is told her if she hates and resents me so much, why bother living with me. She says where else do I expect her to go when she is a "poor student" please tell me she is rude and obnoxious? I do what I can for her

Is the music coming out of the laptop or speakers?

Just the laptop she doesn't have speakers

Cut the WiFi
Pull the fuse
Tell her to put headphones in

You protected her from an abusive partner. You got rid.

Obviously she shouldn't have been hit a second time, but actually, it sounds like the legacy of the incident is that she learnt to manipulate your feelings of guilt. She is now an adult. You raised her to the best of your ability (don't we all).

I think in your shoes, I'd pick a moment when you are both calm to have a proper chat.

She doesn't get a lifetime's leverage to be a manipulative and a bully under your roof.

No point buying her headphones, she’s playing it loudly to piss you off. She’s wouldn’t use the headphones

Yeah cutting the wifi is a good bet if she’s streaming. You really do need to get firm with her!

Yes, she was affected by anger and violence at a formative time and it continues to have an effect on her emotional well-being.

See if she will come to a couselling session with you to talk it through.

Tell her you want her here, but the battle is not doing either of you any good. And then hold some boundaries. Love and boundaries.

There's a real imbalance of roles here... she needs to give respect if she wants respect. Calm, clearing of the air- 'that abuse happened, I did stick to my word, you need to treat me with the respect you want from me' etc

Tell her enough is enough. She's played on it for years and she's an adult now.
Tell her she's become a bully herself and that it stops or she moves out.
You did what you said you would do, you protected her. She doesn't get to hold it over you forever.

I'm not scared of her. I'm worried I'll lose her. I know it's important that I say it was wrong, but she has cried before and I've asked what's the matter she tells me she liked a boy but couldn't let him hug her. Says the only male that has ever hugged her was him... I'm not trying to down play this I'm really not, but it seems so extreme... I would love to tell her look enough is enough get over it but I honestly think that could damage our relationship, but is that what I have to do?

Your DD is being manipulative. Don't let her get to you it is your house. I'd cut the cable or knock the electrics off. Be prepared to buckle down in a dark house though

I would either turn off the router or look at the circuit breaker box and flip the switch that controls her room, rather than get in a fight over a charger cable.

Re: being hit, I think that she'll find that a significant portion of our generation have been hit in the past and often by our parents. Yet most of us have managed to go through life without using that experience to excuse our bad behaviour.

Switch off the Wi-Fi, throw the switches to the upstairs sockets and sit back with a cuppa while the battery runs out.

Maybe more abuse happened than you know op?

Well.done for getting shot of him though.

Maybe ask her whats the real problem.

I imagine that living with a violent stepfather when she was young and vulnerable has had a big effect on her.
Yes, you protected her eventually, but the damage was done.
I think you can/should take responsibility for that and admit that you didn't protect her soon enough. You did allow damage to be done. I'm sure you do feel bad - tell her that.

BUT, she isn't a child anymore and you need to renegotiate your relationship if you are to continue living together. She can't keep punishing you for your failures as a parent when she was a child.

I think you need to really talk this out with her. Would you have counselling together?

I tell her that I was hit as a child. She tells me her leg almost got broken twice, it's not the same. I remember it like yesterday and I wouldn't say her leg was almost broken. It's like she wants it worse.

Ok I think I'll have to just turn off WiFi then. Does Spotify still work?

She is clearly either emotionally damaged or manipulative, or both.

I would seriously look into counselling for her. If I were you, I would not be kicking her out or cutting any cables. Maybe take the laptop away if she keeps playing such loud music but don't resort to such extreme measures.

No Spotify won’t work without WiFi. She might be able to use her phone as a hotspot for a while depending on what she’s got.

I had a similar attitude with my mum, even with the blackmailing 'your rhe worst mother ever' attitude.

We battled for months, I came home from school one day and every electronic in my room had the plug cut off.

My advice? Cut the plugs off everything in her room. Because God knows I didn't give an once of lip after that day.

If she cant respect you, you doesnt deserve the respect of having luxuries.

Some good advice here I think. Talk to her when you are both calm. She has become controlling and shouty herself. You can’t be held responsible for the behaviour of others, and you did throw him out.

Sometimes it’s better when you have a little space from someone you love. Can you rent a flat for her for a couple of months to get her started?

She is blaming you for something that somebody else did. Why doesn't she blame him - have you ever asked her?

What happened was a long time ago, and she cannot carry on blaming you for every failure in her life. She is abdicating responsibility for her own thoughts and actions, isn't she?

Your guilt from your past is shaping your present and future.

You cannot change the past. God knows I’ve lay in bed many a night torturing myself.

Turn the WiFi off.

If she is still traumatised then genuinely offer to look for a councillor to move past it. But don’t let her punish you anymore

Sometimes you do have to let them go so they can find themselves. You can’t be held prisoner in fear you will lose her.

Dd1 moved out when she was 18 because we were battling for alpha female spot. She has zero respect for me so I’m the end I told her to leave. She has moved back briefly on and off when she has been in between apartments but our relationship is so much better and I’m super proud of her. She is 24 this year.

She is a young adult. Let her go so she can mature.

If you go into your IP settings and have your admin password handy OP you can probably disable the WiFi just for her laptop.

As the WiFi will be working on everything else you can probably deny any involvement and suggest it's a problem with her laptop. Switch it back on again in an hour or so...

Archie I’ve just read reread another post.

Are you sure no sexual abuse went on?