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Original poster

'I love your hair!'

110 replies

FurrySlipperBoots · 08/03/2019 23:38

Is that an acceptable thing to tell a woman these days? You're not supposed to say it to a little girl are you? The internet is full of advice against saying 'I love your hair/What a pretty dress/Fab sparkly bracelet!' The thing is, I think the lady in question has a really flattering hairstyle and it's a gorgeous colour. Should I tell her I think so in the hope of giving her a happy-buzz, or not because I don't want her to feel judged on her appearance? I'm another woman if that makes a difference.

OP posts:
MrsJBaptiste · 09/03/2019 13:29

Well said Marvin 👍

SomethingOnce · 09/03/2019 13:30

I’m forever telling the students that they look smart/like their new haircut/shoes. Why wouldn’t I? I also tell colleagues if I like their outfit/hair.

Why wouldn’t you? Well maybe because it’s none of your business.

doIreallyneedto · 09/03/2019 13:30

@FurrySlipperBoots - Is that an acceptable thing to tell a woman these days? You're not supposed to say it to a little girl are you?*

I think the question should be "is this an acceptable thing to tell a person these days". I see no reason not to tell a little girl I like her hair. I equally see no reason not to tell a little boy I like his hair. It only becomes a problem if girls are only complimented for "being pretty".

Most people like compliments. Some don't. I'm an equal opportunity complimenter so am just as likely to tell a man that I love his boots as I am to tell a woman.

RagingWhoreBag · 09/03/2019 13:33

Just wrote a massive post but Marvin said it better and more succinctly.

SomethingOnce · 09/03/2019 13:33

Thing is, if you aren't bothered about appearance and just have very practical hair and clothes you are unlikely to get noticed enough to get complimented on your appearance... So actually, I think it is safe to assume that someone who is clearly well groomed/well dressed cares enough about their appearance to enjoy being complimented on it.^

Incorrect on both counts, ime.

FissionChip5 · 09/03/2019 13:34

Most people are, by definition, in a close relationship with their DC. Hardly comparable to being subjected to the unwelcome commentary of an overbearing colleague

Agreed.

I have no issue with my appearance, I just don’t wish others to comment and wouldn’t comment (without invite) because I don’t think people are some type of ornaments.

MarvinMarvinson · 09/03/2019 13:43

Well, all I can say something is we have very different experiences. All my well groomed friends love a compliment. I rarely get appearance based ones. Of if I do it's because I've made an effort for a night out and I think people are well meaning when they compliment me then. They can see I've made an effort and want to acknowledge that. They're not judging or seeing me as an ornament..

EdWinchester · 09/03/2019 13:48

I have good hair. Occasionally, strangers come up to me and mention it.

I am always polite, but do think it's a bit weird if I am honest.

Newbuild · 09/03/2019 14:06

My daughter and I are complemented on our hair a lot (although her more than I) Her little face always lights up and she likes to explain the curl method we use to them!
People in general aren’t very nice anymore and all you read is negative things so when someone goes out of their way to say something nice, I think it’s lovely.

Savoury99 · 09/03/2019 14:20

SomethingOnce and FissionChip5, is it just strangers and people you don't like that you hate getting compliments off or is it everyone?

If a partner, sibling, best friend or anyone you do like paid you a compliment would you still thing "Oh Fuck Off" in your head?

Savoury99 · 09/03/2019 14:21

Think not thing

SomethingOnce · 09/03/2019 14:47

The tone taken by the so-certain-they’re-right posters on here has got my back up, it’s true.

However, in my original comment I wrote

For a while in our office there was a culture, mainly coming from two particular women, where the outfit comments were daily and really over the top. I dreaded arriving at work.

I can live with (or without) the odd unsolicited ‘compliment’ from colleagues or total strangers. And close people is a different thing - they know you.

But this office thing was fucking awful. They’d opted me in to their weird feminine ritual, on the basis of my being female, and I found it really invasive. One of them was the HoD so it would’ve been tricky to tell her to back the fuck off.

SomethingOnce · 09/03/2019 14:49

Intrusive, not invasive, but yeah.

SmarmyMrMime · 09/03/2019 16:08

On leaving the GP's room recently, I added in "I love your hair" as she had beautiful rainbow colours dyed into it. She seemed quite chuffed with the compliment. It's a feature that she had put time and effort into rather than being inate, and having had public facing roles in the NHS myself, any kind of compliments and positive comments can be quite thin on the ground.

I understand objections to young children, particularly girls being defined purely on their looks rather than their personality, efforts and choices, but if someone really objects to a sincere compliment given with no agenda, then it is them with the problem, not the person intending to share a positive observation.

SomethingOnce · 09/03/2019 16:31

if someone really objects to a sincere compliment given with no agenda

Ha! That’s a whole other thing. Loads of people totally fail to spot schmoozey, complimentary types playing them like fiddles.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 09/03/2019 16:47

For a while in our office there was a culture, mainly coming from two particular women, where the outfit comments were daily and really over the top. I dreaded arriving at work.

That's why I differentiated between genuine and not genuine compliments. What you've described there is horrible.

Not on the same scale, I used to work with someone who clearly gave compliments so you would give them back. My friend and I would inwardly amuse ourselves by only saying 'thank you' and not indulging her. We might compliment her another time (genuinely) as she wasn't that bad, it was just a bit transparent and tedious. She was quite 'glam' and liked it recognised, whereas we were less glam and happy about that Grin

Bluntness100 · 09/03/2019 19:48

Ha! That’s a whole other thing. Loads of people totally fail to spot schmoozey, complimentary types playing them like fiddles

You've clearly got problems, and it's very sad. Can you articulate it? What is it about your appearance that bothers you so much? What is it about other people being complimented that hurts you so badly?

I've no idea what you look like, none of us do, but clearly whatever it is hurts you deeply and drives you. Accepting ourselves, loving ourselves is really important and to read someone so down on themselves, is disturbing,

EffYouSeeKaye · 09/03/2019 19:59

Someone said this to me today and it gave me such a confidence boost. I think it would be a shame if we didn’t occasionally compliment each other.

AmIthatbloodycold · 09/03/2019 20:09

I'm feeling awkward now because I told all lady in the hairdressers today that her hair was gorgeous

I had seen the back of her head and mentioned it as she was leaving. The cut and colour was fab

I had no idea that would make people uncomfortable Blush

BackforGood · 09/03/2019 20:09

Of course it is a lovely thing to do.
99% of people get a little boost by someone saying something nice about them. This thread isn't really giving a mixed response, it is just that 2 posters are posting over and over. If you discount 2 people, then virtually everyone agrees it is nice to say something nice to other people.

Kirsteninakilt · 09/03/2019 20:21

I like being told I have lovely hair - it is waist length totally straight, shiny and lovely condition - I look after it. I don't like being asked if I shouldn't consider shorter hair as am over 40 - unsolicited! WTF ! - it the same as going up to someone who is overweight and saying to them perhaps they should consider losing weight. Not acceptable. compliments are fine yes and I often tell people if I like their coat or hat or hair.

SomethingOnce · 09/03/2019 20:25

What is it about your appearance that bothers you so much? What is it about other people being complimented that hurts you so badly?

Blunt, what are you on about?

AliceAforethought · 10/03/2019 08:01

That’s funny (not funny), because for me you’re continuing the appearance judgement that men have mostly stopped doing

What? Men have stopped judging women on their appearance? On which planet? Confused

Even if you only mean men don’t pay compliments to women, that’s still not true, is it? I was out with my DD yesterday and a man (stranger) called over from his boat “wow, I love your hair!” to her.
She was quite pleased!

YogaWannabe · 10/03/2019 09:18

I smile out of politeness but inside I’m thinking ‘go fuck yourself’

I don’t understand why people would continue to comment on others appearance without invite

Fission, how can you not understand why people continue to compliment you when you continue to smile?
Let people know who you really are and they’ll soon give you short shrift.

OP, as you can see most of us think it’s lovely and not something to get weird and angry about. Do it, it could make her day and you could make a new friend.

LancashireTea · 10/03/2019 09:35

There was a thread on here awhile ago about this subject and some people posted their parents had never ever complimented their appearance and it made them grow up thinking something was wrong with them. That they were in some way "ugly" so the parent could only focus on other things.

YY to this. @bluntness100 I agree wholeheartedly. My stepdad refused to compliment me as a kid/ teen which had definitely contributed to my poor self esteem and issues with how I look.

In fairness, I love a compliment. I give them often as they can really brighten a day. I know someone might not like it, but they can take it or not. It's kind to be kind.