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Original poster

Unexpectedly pregnant and husband furious

100 replies

Pregnantandhopeless · 05/03/2019 20:00

I found out last night I was pregnant. It’s some sort of miracle. I’m on contraception and we rarely have sex. It was a shock for both of us. We have 3 (planned) DC already. I was obviously in shock, upset, and felt hopeless. Neither of us planned to have any more children, and we were happy with our lot. Neither of us said very much last night, but we’ve been texting today, and my husband is saying under no circumstances can we have the baby. It will break him, he can’t cope with any more. He is a lovey man, and a very good father to our current children. He’s normally loving and supportive, but his reaction and behaviour and such harshness about this has really upset me. He just wants it sorted out and the problem to disappear. I didn’t want any more children, but I also don’t think I could go through with a termination, I have never thought I could do that. I told my mum today and she just hugged me and said it wasn’t the end of the world. She said she’d support whatever I decided.
I am in turmoil. I do not want to abort, but I also feel like if I don’t my husband will be driven to despair, he will never get over it, and he will lose his mental health.
What also concerns me about all this is that we have struggled at the best of times with communication and this is a massive issue and we can’t seem to communicate. He is angry, and won’t talk about it beyond telling me this isn’t under discussion and we need to sort the problem out; he doesn’t see there is anything to discuss or any decision to make.
I would like to hear from anyone that has gone through this - an unexpected pregnancy, where you and your partner want different things, or even the same result but can’t do the things necessary to get there. How have you managed to move together to any centre ground? How have you gotten over perhaps having a termination you didn’t want, or how has your relationship fared when you had the baby when your husband didn’t want you to.

I’m so upset - I feel like a teenager in trouble, not a married woman with 3 children already.

OP posts:
livinglavidavillanelle · 05/03/2019 20:07

Oh OP. That's sad. How old are your DC?

When I fell pregnant unexpectedly with my third I was devastated. Truly. But I knew that I couldn't terminate the pregnancy. I had a termination very young, which whilst it was for the best, it has never really left me...and I don't honestly feel I will ever get over. So, that wasn't an option with this pregnancy. DH was all for it. I was crushed, and hopeless. Right up until labour.
DS is now 2 and the most wonderful blessing in the world.
I think you really need to find a way to make the communication with your husband work. If he really won't/can't talk...can you write him a letter expressing how you feel? If he really is a lovely man, then he's going to have to listen one way or another.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 05/03/2019 20:10

I know he's shocked op, as are you, but it sounds like he's only thinking of himself. No one should ever feel pressure to abort. What about your mental health and happiness? Do you count?

If he is normally lovely as you say he might be different after the initial shock has worn off but it's not healthy for you or for your relationship if he refuses to talk about this.

I'm sorry you are going through this especially as you are very much on your own.

Camellia5 · 05/03/2019 20:11

If it's any help OP, there are very similar threads in 'Relationships' at the moment

Sorry that you're in this situation. I have 3 and know that I personally couldn't cope with a 4th (sorry if that sounds unhelpful and insensitive) so in a way, I can understand your husband's reaction, although I think he needs to be supporting you and what decision you make

Flowers
RedSpottyKettle · 05/03/2019 20:15

Hello.
I found out I was pregnant at 11 weeks gestation. It was a complete and utter shock and we were not in a place at all to have a baby. His immediate reaction was “Do you have to keep it”. He dotes on the baby now but I’ve never forgotten that reaction.

JuniperBeer · 05/03/2019 20:18

What is do you fear the most- having an abortion, or having another child? Do either of those options feel stronger than the other?
What is it specifically that makes you specifically not want to have an abortion? Is it because it’s “what might be” in the future? Or is it because you believe in life at conception? Do you not like medical procedures? (These questions are rhetorical by the way, don’t worry about answering them here if you don’t want to, but it might helpful if you can write down somewhere on paper and quantify your feelings for each side)
What are you afraid of if you have the baby?
Can you afford to? What is your husband scared of? What will change?

SonEtLumiere · 05/03/2019 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Pregnantandhopeless · 06/03/2019 05:05

Thank you everyone. DC are 7,4 and 19 months.

I have been up most of the night. It’s like the list of reasons to terminate is mounting up, but the list against is the regret and dread I will feel, and will constantly be sad about it. The rhetorical questions were useful.

4 children seems an awful lot. How did people even do it?

OP posts:
NeedAMakeover · 06/03/2019 05:18

On another thread I saw someone post similar to this -
Would your relationship survive another baby? Is he threatening to leave if you don’t abort?

And
Could you stay with him if he forced you to abort?

Either way your relationship sounds in a bad state.
Decide for you what you want to do about the pregnancy, and then think about your relationship.

flumpybear · 06/03/2019 05:19

He needs to get the snip if you're falling pregnant easily whilst in contraception

Baby - really difficult, three very young kids already, will it break your marriage? I'd struggle too with a termination though

Dimsumlosesum · 06/03/2019 05:27

I love how he left all the contraception responsibility down to you, absolutely doesn't want more children but hasnt had a vasectomy, your contraception has failed as sometimes hapoens in that small 1% chance or so and he's furious about it. What a delightful man. Op, I've known people to cope fine with 4. But there is so much to tbis decision for you. Some people cope just fine with a termination, some people (especially those forced into it, like my SIL) don't. They end up in therapy foe years, and never live down the guilt of terminating. Absolutely no judgement here for whatever you decide to do, but making a decision based on being forced to by a partner isn't right.

CarpetGate · 06/03/2019 05:34

I think it's perfectly OK for him to have his strong reaction. And to communicate that he couldn't cope with a fourth child. It sounds like you feel a termination may be for the best? A difficult time.

endofthelinefinally · 06/03/2019 05:41

I think you need to speak to your gp. Maybe you need a counsellor to help you both to talk this through.
I had my 3rd baby in my 40s due to a contraception failure.
I was devastated when I found out, not least because I suffer from hyperemesis really badly.
Yet now, not a day goes by that I am not thankful for that child, who has been a blessing and a comfort to me through some tragic and traumatic times.

toomuchtooold · 06/03/2019 05:48

This is just my perspective, you may well feel differently, but if it were me I would be doing my decision based on the idea that my marriage was over either way. Either I'd be going ahead with the pregnancy against DH's wishes, or having the abortion - and I'd never be able to forgive him for pressuring me into it, I might stay afterwards, but I'd be biding my time before I left. So for me, that would simplify the decision (sadly) - knowing I was probably going to be going it alone, I'd be balancing my feelings about the pregnancy with whether I thought I could cope with another baby. I don't know if that helps. I do think that you have to try and make the decision independent of your DH, even (especially) if you think your marriage has a future after this.

Wallywobbles · 06/03/2019 05:53

With your age gap I'd go ahead probably. My DH would have been very pro. If I got pregnant with ours, youngest is 10yo, I'd terminate. DP would be devastated but he knows it would break me now.

Good luck.

Wallywobbles · 06/03/2019 05:54

By the way we have 4. It's not worse than 3.

jeanne16 · 06/03/2019 06:20

Your DH may well be in a very stressful job trying to support you and the children. Have you asked him if he has any concerns at work? Another child could well push him over the edge if he is struggling at work, and realising he is stuck in that job forever.

Pluckedpencil · 06/03/2019 06:20

You only found out last night very very recently. If you can afford the time, I'd spend a few days for the initial shock to pass so your brain can catch up and also dh to think about what he says too and don't try and communicate until you're both ready.

Panicmode1 · 06/03/2019 06:33

This happened to us, only I was the one who was adamant i couldn't have another, but as a Catholic I couldn't reconcile myself to having an abortion. I was very angry with DH for not having the vasectomy he promised he would have after our 3rd, and I was in a very bad place emotionally.

I managed to find a brilliant counsellor, and decided that I could have another, and to see it wasn't 100% DH's fault Wink.

DS4 is now 8, and it's hard work, and expensive (DCs are 15, 14, 10 and 8) but also a lot of fun and I look at him and wonder how I ever felt so negative.

BUT, I'm 8 years down the track. Give yourself some time to calm down, and your DH time too. It's a shock and a big decision, and you both need time to process it, and then try to have a calm, rational talk. Good luck.

ChipsAreLife · 06/03/2019 06:33

Ok, my first advice is unexpected pregnancies are a huge shock and therefore we all react quickly, totally unprepared and overwhelmed. You need to both give this some time. It's been what two/three days?

Also whilst his reaction may seem extreme he's just being honest. There is no shame saying you can't cope with another child. The pressure not emotionally and financially can be really tough.

I would maybe try get some time on your own over the weekend to sit down and really talk through it, calmly. Explain how you're feeling and how it may seem straight forward to him but abortions are not an easy thing to do both physically and emotionally and as a woman you have to go through all of this.

Take your DHs thoughts out of the picture and decide what you really want. Then you can explain why when you have a chat.

I was in a similar position but time and talking helped us reach a decision after the initial anger and upset from us both. Good luck

Panicmode1 · 06/03/2019 06:34

I put in a wink, not an angry face, so don't know why that's there!

user1474894224 · 06/03/2019 06:43

Sorry I don't have answers. However we have 3 and DH has been very clear that 4 is never an option. (He was happy with 2 but agreed to 3). I would be in the same boat. I would agree to terminate....I would have to switch off immediately and not think of the baby. Otherwise our relationship and the family we have wouldn't survive. That's not him bullying me. He actually wouldn't cope. (Caveat if I was 10 weeks plus....I wouldn't be able to terminate...... have no idea what would happen.)

Yogagirl123 · 06/03/2019 06:43

Your mum is right OP. It’s not the end of the world. Whilst I can understand it must be very worrying for you and DH at the moment, you must both be in shock.

Wait for the dust to settle before making any decisions.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Flowers

barryfromclareisfit · 06/03/2019 06:47

He is not thinking as part of a couple, he is only thinking of himself. He isn’t taking your feelings into account at all.

That gives you a clue 1) to what really matters to him and 2) to the way you need to be thinking.

Without considering him or his opinions, what do you want to do? Do that.

His mental health won’t collapse because of this. If that happens it will be some other cause- maybe it’s already shaky. That still does not give him the right to dictate what happens in your body. Your body. Yours.

It might be that your marriage does not survive - countless marriages fail, so if that happens, don’t blame this one thing. If you terminate the pregnancy, that could lead to your distress and resentment and ultimately to the end of the marriage.

Foreverexhausted · 06/03/2019 06:50

Your children are still young which does mean it will be hard work but also means this baby could 'slot in' easily.

I totally understand both your emotions too. We found out in March last year that I was pregnant and like you were completely shocked. It was the result of having sex just once that month and, I was 45. We were both distraught. We both didn't want another child but equally we struggled with having a termination. We ended up continuing and our little one arrived in December and we don't regret our decision at all.

At the moment you're both in shock. Let it sink in for a week and then look at your options. We had appointments at BPAS with a view to terminating and the counsellor there told us there isn't a right decision, it's whichever decision you feel you can live with.

Good luck with whatever you decide.x

SoThisHappened · 06/03/2019 07:01

He is not thinking as part of a couple, he is only thinking of himself. He isn’t taking your feelings into account at all.

I suspect he is considering the whole family.

If a couple is on contraception and has decided no more children, I hardly think it's unreasonable for termination to be on the table if an unintended/accidental/unwanted pregnancy occurs.

The OP has not said anything about wanting another baby and has said the list against having one is long. In fact, the only reason for continuing the relationship is fear that she will feel bad about having a termination.

I have two children and nothing could compel me to have another. I think it's perfectly reasonable to not continue with an unwanted pregnancy and it should at least form part of the discussion/decision.

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