Unexpectedly pregnant and husband furious

[Pregnantandhopeless]

I found out last night I was pregnant. It’s some sort of miracle. I’m on contraception and we rarely have sex. It was a shock for both of us. We have 3 (planned) DC already. I was obviously in shock, upset, and felt hopeless. Neither of us planned to have any more children, and we were happy with our lot. Neither of us said very much last night, but we’ve been texting today, and my husband is saying under no circumstances can we have the baby. It will break him, he can’t cope with any more. He is a lovey man, and a very good father to our current children. He’s normally loving and supportive, but his reaction and behaviour and such harshness about this has really upset me. He just wants it sorted out and the problem to disappear. I didn’t want any more children, but I also don’t think I could go through with a termination, I have never thought I could do that. I told my mum today and she just hugged me and said it wasn’t the end of the world. She said she’d support whatever I decided.
I am in turmoil. I do not want to abort, but I also feel like if I don’t my husband will be driven to despair, he will never get over it, and he will lose his mental health.
What also concerns me about all this is that we have struggled at the best of times with communication and this is a massive issue and we can’t seem to communicate. He is angry, and won’t talk about it beyond telling me this isn’t under discussion and we need to sort the problem out; he doesn’t see there is anything to discuss or any decision to make.
I would like to hear from anyone that has gone through this - an unexpected pregnancy, where you and your partner want different things, or even the same result but can’t do the things necessary to get there. How have you managed to move together to any centre ground? How have you gotten over perhaps having a termination you didn’t want, or how has your relationship fared when you had the baby when your husband didn’t want you to.

I’m so upset - I feel like a teenager in trouble, not a married woman with 3 children already.

Shatners I assume you’re a man as you have simply overlooked the thousands upon thousands of posts about long term adverse physical and psychological consequences of gynae procedures for women relating to long term contraception, abortion, miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, c section, prolapse, tearing, haemorrhage etc etc etc and picked up on one man’s prolific posting about his vasectomy, which he chose to have. He also said he refused to take pain killers. Millions of women are quietly on long term pain meds following their procedures.

No the medics didn’t go into the negatives of vasectomy with me, nor did they go into the negatives of having another baby at my age or the negatives of the coil, the pill, miscarriages. They were comparing female vs male sterilisation and were delivering the outcome for which the evidence on balance shows male sterilisation to be less harmful in a range of areas.

Despite this I am the one undergoing the procedure, I have taken it for the team yet again, I will bear the risks and the pain so my dh doesn’t have to.

Husband had vasectomy aged 27 after our third was born

I was in almost exactly this situation years ago. Three children, youngest seven years old, and we were just getting back on our feet. I'd got a part time job. DH was devastated, angry and despairing, and we considered a termination, but I knew if I had one, I would never have forgiven him for wanting it. So after endless depressing discussion, we went ahead with the pregnancy, and our fourth child is the light of DH's life, he adores her. We never discuss what nearly happened.

Some men don’t seem to understand the emotional and biological connection a woman can feel towards an embryo, however tiny it is. Not every woman has that connection of course but for many women the bond literally begins as soon as the test turns positive, planned or unplanned. They underestimate this, only think of themselves and don’t understand why it’s difficult for a woman to ‘just take a couple of pills’. I think some men also believe abortion is a walk in the park and as easy as having a period and taking a few painkillers to get through it. It’s really not like that for some women at all, some women wind up regretting it for the rest of their lives and it can be a painful experience, emotionally and physically.

I can understand his position but he needs to also have some understanding of how and why you don’t wish to terminate. You both need to sit down and have a long heart to heart. I would also suggest seeking counselling from Marie Stopes or similar before you make any decision.

I was in this situation with my third DC. We had two planned DC close in age and thought we were done. I used contraception and we barely had sex plus I was EBFing baby DD but found out I was pregnant when she was five months old. We were absolutely devastated at the time but the result is now a very lovely six and a half year old.

@Karwomannghia No, I haven't overlooked them at all. But very often on these sorts of threads there is a very blase attitude to vasectomy that is never seen with female sterilisation (rightly). Very often people are surprised to learn that there are potential serious complications with vasectomy because it is referred to as this simple thing called a snip.

As I said, it's not about rights or wrongs. It just shouldn't be this automatic default that the man should have a vasectomy "because it's his turn" without a proper adult discussion about all the options of all contraception methods and all the pros and cons with all of them. A man, for example, who refuses to use condoms but expects his partner to automatically stuff herself full of hormones, is an arse. IF his partner is happy to be on the pill, fine - but there's nothing stopping him also wearing a condom to reinforce the protection.

People are responsible for their own bodies. If EITHER partner doesn't want to have any form of surgery that is their absolute right and a partner should respect that. Just as a woman has the absolute right regarding termination no matter what a man says (again, rightly). They may not agree with it, and they may chose to end the relationship but it would be wrong - but it is wrong to hold it against someone for choosing not to have surgery or, as I have seen on MN, call a man a wuss for "not stepping up".

This is so recent. You are probably both in shock. Take some time for the dust to settle. For the both of you.

I wonder if it could be as he has the pressure to be the main provider to support you and the three other children since your youngest is just 19 months? That would be a huge amount of pressure for anyone. As is obviously being a mum also in other ways.

The communication is hard, but even in an argument I hope he may reveal his underlying concerns and fears for you to be pregnant so you can work a way through. E.g. childcare so you could work to help to relieve some of the burden even if it were just an evening job or working from home, a budget planner of where/how you could realistically cut back on household bills to present to him, etc.

I'm not going to have an opinion on the abortion aspect, but you both need time to consider all alternatives and the reasons why you couldn't do one or another - even putting the baby up for adoption depending on your views and opinions. There are many lovely couples who desperately would love a child of their own and its possible for your family to still be in contact with the child.
How do you feel having another child might affect your other children if at all etc.

Whatever you do or don't do, don't rush into it. Either way it cannot be undone and you don't want to end up resenting each other and living a life of blaming each other for the decision. Could the child mean more to you than your marriage as you may end up needing to choose. Not ideal but where there is a will there can always be a way to make the hardest of situations work.

Take care and deep breaths!! This is a big decision.

I’m not sure a relationship can survive a termination where it’s not the woman’s decision but she’s been persuaded by the man to do it

In your position, I would not terminate.

• firstly, you don't want to.

• secondly, in terms of practicalities - if you had three children all in their teens and you were long past baby stage, demanding job etc etc then this would be a very differnet decision. But you are still in the middle of the baby years, with three already. Yes it will make a difference but for a woman who instinctively DOESN'T want a termination, I think the regret would be much worse, knowing the baby COULD and WOULD have 'fitted right in'.

• your husband. Again, if he were a genuinely loving, caring person you had a good relationship with then this might be different... but an angry stonewaller you're already on shaky ground with whose first response to the pregnancy HE'S also responsible for is 'abortion, no discussion'? No discussion?! I don't think you'd ever forgive him and I think it would be the nail in the coffin - maybe not now, but it would be too hard to come back from. And then he'd be divorced with three kids solo every other weekend. I'm not sure that that would be better for his mental health, or yours, or the lifestyle of your existing children, than together with a fourth child.

Finally, his response is absolutely, absolutely unacceptable. I have to say that my answer to him deciding for himself that there is no discussion to be had would be 'ok, no discussion.' And then just carry on. Because someone obviously forgot to tell him that the person making the decision about a pregnancy is the person pregnant. So if he doesn't want to discuss it, fine, he can just find out the result of YOUR decision in a few months' time.

OP I'm so sorry. I haven't been in this position myself, but I have seen one of my friends go through it. She was heartbroken. Her DP was adamant they not have another child. (They have two - their youngest was about 6 months at the time) He was very, very cold about it. Threatened to leave if she went ahead. Financially, it would have been a hit they could have done without, but in all honesty they could have managed. From her point of view, she already felt like it was her baby. She had started to show very early. She walked out of her initial appointment, but did eventually have the termination. I don't think she has ever really gotten over it, or forgiven him for his attitude. After she had the procedure, he never wanted it mentioned again, but she was grieving for many years afterwards. They are still together, but honestly I don't think their relationship has ever been the same.

DH very much wanted me to terminate when we found I was pregnant with ds3.

I did make an appointment for the initial consultation, but at that point DH realised just how unhappy I was about it and that for me this was an unplanned, unexpected, inconvenient but not unwanted pregnancy. He came round.

He would not come round were I to fall pregnant again and want to continue the pregnancy, I know that for sure. And whilst I know I would not really 'want' to terminate, I also know I would do so, because I am at the absolute limit of my parenting capacity with the children I have, our finances could not take a fourth child, the impact on our existing children would be major and negative,, my marriage would collapse, and my health would be affected.

To avoid being in that situation again, I have been sterilised. DH would not have a vasectomy despite being the one who is absolutely adamant there can be no more dc, ever, which is an issue all of its own... but on balance I am glad I have protected myself as far as I possibly can against future pregnancy.

I really feel for you. I was in utter turmoil when we found out about ds3. It was awful. I've been pregnant and terminated before, so I was pretty clear on the difference between a pregnancy that was unplanned but wanted, and one that was unplanned and unwanted. I probably would have terminated if DH had insisted he was totally opposed to my continuing, tbh, but I'm glad he didn't.

There is no easy answer for you. Seek counselling from an unbiased source if you can.

I dunno, it doesn’t make him a bad person to not want a baby you both agreed you didn’t want. The impact on both you and your existing children would be huge. The problem is he can’t have the abortion for you, but I think it’s okay for him to have strong feelings about something that affects him so enormously.

We accidentally got pregnant with DC3 when our others were 7 and 5. We definitely didn't want any more, had given away all our baby stuff and I was trying to get back on the career ladder after being SAHM for years.

My husband was devastated. He is a bit older than me, and felt great pressure to be the main earner for even longer.

We discussed options but I think he knew I would be unlikely to terminate so we were always having the baby. It was the worst time in our 20 year marriage, I had to just get on with things and look after the DC while working and dealing with all day sickness. DH went to work, came home and sat on the sofa just staring out the window, wouldn't eat with us or join activities. It was so out of character for him, that is absolutely not the type of person he is or the way he handles difficult situations. He was not trying to influence me, just struggling to cope with the idea of it all.

Eventually (months) down there track he came back to us really, I was quite unwell towards the end of the pregnancy and he had to step up. Then DC3 was born and he adores them. Now 10 years old, DC3 has fitted in so well to the family, Certainly changed things but only for the better. I truly cannot imagine life without them and DH has never shown any sign that he struggled before he was born, nor any sign of being like that again.

So I would say give it time, if you don't want to terminate then you should not. Your DH will have lots to think about as you do, and if he is a good husband and father then he will probably come around.

Did you rape him?

He knows where babies come from and to put you under this pressure when he’s 50% responsible is outrageous.

It’s a difficult situation.

One which will require respectful listening and communication.

Your ‘lovely’ husband is telling you there can be no discussion about it.

He is not prepared to listen to you and to decide together.

He might be reacting badly, so give him a few days. But if he sticks to this line, he doesn’t sound very lovely to me.

Him thinking a termination would be best is fine, him refusing to discuss it, take no responsibility and generally behaving like your Lord and master us beyond unacceptable. for you, op

We are personally responsible for our own bodies

As far as the NHS allows. Female sterilisation is getting harder and harder to access.

OP. I feel your husband was correct to outline his concerns especially regarding his mental health. However absolutely you have the final choice.

You’re both clearly in shock. It’s time for a frank discussion.

Thank you so much for all your comments. I can’t tell you how helpful each and every one has been. I am reading and re reading them all.

I know someone who found herself with an unplanned pregnancy. She was 43 and her husband 50. Their children were teenagers. He was adament he didn't want anymore. The wife was very upset but reluctantly agreed. She couldn't go through with a pregnancy without her husband's support. Also she worried about finances, at the time.

This particular person has not regretted the termination, but did struggle at the time.

I would never have a termination or any medical procedure that I did not 100% want barring emergency. The key problem for me would be his 'lack of communication'. That says to me not only does he want you to have an operation you don't want but if you do he'll want you to forget all about it. Nope.

If EITHER partner doesn't want to have any form of surgery that is their absolute right and a partner should respect that.

So how do you reconcile the man refusing to get a vasectomy (because his precious balls might get injured) with the same man telling his accidentally pregnant wife (whom he impregnated) to abort? What kind of an arse does that make him? And if she's so terrified of getting pregnant that she refuses to have sex with him, what would your solution be?

I wouldn’t want to do it either OP. (Also very happy with our treasured 4th child.) You say you fear for his mental health if you keep the baby, but my worry is that it will be yours that will suffer if you don’t keep the pregnancy. Please don’t be pushed into something that will stay with you. I am a great believer that your husband, while he feels strongly now, will come round to the idea. I have seen it so many times. Whatever you decide please make sure you put yourself first as you will bear the brunt whichever decision you make.

If you don't want to terminate then don't; but do be prepared for your marriage to break down as I'm sure your husband will feel pushed out if he's already said he can't cope mentally.

As long as you're prepared for the hard work of being a single parent if that proves to be the case then the decision is yours. It does sound like you have a supportive mum, but it wouldn't be easy. I hope I would be proved wrong, but worth considering how things could end up.

You poor woman. I really feel for you, I can totally understand not wanting to terminate, I guess you have to way up the situation and ask yourself if you keep the baby could you manage on your own with four children if your husband can’t accept you going ahead.

Talk to him again tonight, he may have just reacted this way due to the shock.

Best of luck OP.

Context could be important here, is your husband the sole earner and worried about the cost, did you have traumatic births/pregnancies in the past, do one of your children have more complex needs, is your house big enough for four children?

context is very important. When you're pregnant you're very emotional and mostly driven solely by emotion. The OP needs to try to think rationally about long term consequences for them all.

It's Ok for most of the posters on here to say make life changing decisions on your current emotional state, but they won't have to deal with the consequences which could be huge for them all - some positive and others definitely not.