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Original poster

Unexpectedly pregnant and husband furious

100 replies

Pregnantandhopeless · 05/03/2019 20:00

I found out last night I was pregnant. It’s some sort of miracle. I’m on contraception and we rarely have sex. It was a shock for both of us. We have 3 (planned) DC already. I was obviously in shock, upset, and felt hopeless. Neither of us planned to have any more children, and we were happy with our lot. Neither of us said very much last night, but we’ve been texting today, and my husband is saying under no circumstances can we have the baby. It will break him, he can’t cope with any more. He is a lovey man, and a very good father to our current children. He’s normally loving and supportive, but his reaction and behaviour and such harshness about this has really upset me. He just wants it sorted out and the problem to disappear. I didn’t want any more children, but I also don’t think I could go through with a termination, I have never thought I could do that. I told my mum today and she just hugged me and said it wasn’t the end of the world. She said she’d support whatever I decided.
I am in turmoil. I do not want to abort, but I also feel like if I don’t my husband will be driven to despair, he will never get over it, and he will lose his mental health.
What also concerns me about all this is that we have struggled at the best of times with communication and this is a massive issue and we can’t seem to communicate. He is angry, and won’t talk about it beyond telling me this isn’t under discussion and we need to sort the problem out; he doesn’t see there is anything to discuss or any decision to make.
I would like to hear from anyone that has gone through this - an unexpected pregnancy, where you and your partner want different things, or even the same result but can’t do the things necessary to get there. How have you managed to move together to any centre ground? How have you gotten over perhaps having a termination you didn’t want, or how has your relationship fared when you had the baby when your husband didn’t want you to.

I’m so upset - I feel like a teenager in trouble, not a married woman with 3 children already.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pregnantandhopeless · 07/03/2019 09:52

He has been the sole earner for a few years, but I have now ramped up my consultancy work and earn a lot More than him. I would take a couple of months off or slow down after the baby was born, but not a whole year. We currently have a spare room. None of our children have any special needs. I have to admit I’m scared about that. We’ve been so lucky with our 3 healthy children. I still know I could not go through with an abortion and ever get over it.

OP posts:

DontCallMeCharlotte · 07/03/2019 10:31

I still know I could not go through with an abortion and ever get over it.

Really, that should be all you need to say.

Good luck OP

TheFaerieQueene · 07/03/2019 10:36

Best of luck OP with whatever decision you make. I’m glad you are earning.

Littleraindrop15 · 07/03/2019 10:37

If you are choosing to keep you need to tell him your keeping it and it's not up for discussion just as he has shut you down.

JohnnyHatesJazz · 07/03/2019 11:02

The decision is yours OP, it is your body. Don't be railroaded into it either way.
Have you got time? How many weeks do you think you are?

PiebaldHamster · 07/03/2019 11:28

Tell him point blank then. 'I've given this all some thought and taken your opinion on board. The fact is that I cannot have an abortion. I don't want to do that to my body or my life. So it's not up for negotiation anymore. I'm not having an abortion.'

bobstersmum · 07/03/2019 12:03

I was in this situation. Immaculate conception. I was so shocked I told my husband straight away and he reacted pretty much the same. I thought he'd come round but that night he said we can't keep it!! As if having an abortion was the only answer. I told him straight, no way am I having one, I had always told him that I would never have one to be fair. I definitely didn't want another baby, our dc were only 2+3 and I was already finding it difficult, but I was more sure that I couldn't have an abortion. He came around. It was an emotionally difficult pregnancy, but dd was born and things were nowhere near as hard as we thought. And she's amazing, almost 2 now. Give him time to let it sink in op.

Original poster

Pregnantandhopeless · 07/03/2019 20:13

I don’t have any worries that he will leave me over this - he is a good man, and he loves the kids (and me, I hope!) too much to bail on all of us. I guess I just worry it might destroy our relationship......

OP posts:

Foreverexhausted · 07/03/2019 20:27

I hope you read my earlier post Pregnantandhopeless. I had the same fears as you but in a worse financial position. Our DC was born in December and he has fitted in and is loved as much by both of us as our other two are. I feared everything! Needing another caesarian (which I did!) and the recovery, the impact on our other two children, even further financial setbacks, resentment by one or both of us as he was SO unplanned and unexpected. But it has all worked out and we find it upsetting to even think we almost got rid of 'him'.

dippywhentired · 07/03/2019 21:12

I had this with DC3. DH wanted me to have an abortion, I said I couldn't go through with it. Lots of tears and arguments and it took until about half way through my pregnancy for him to come around. DS is now the apple of his eye and we can't imagine life without him. It was an awful time though, I wish you the all the best!

amazon2017 · 15/08/2019 05:12

Hi, i know, it’s been a long time. I wonder how you got on? Did your husband come round?

Teacher22 · 15/08/2019 05:58

Can you cope with four children on your own because that is what you will end up doing if DH has a breakdown or leaves?

yesteaandawineplease · 15/08/2019 06:40

it's likely he's just in shock and therefore reacted badly. 4 seems like a lot but I'm sure you'll manage absolutely fine and you'll have a lovely big family.

your dh needs to get his name down for a vasectomy asap! it's the most reliable form of contraception there is. it's much more reliable than a women being steralised.sorry cant recall the exact statistics but I was very shocked with how much more reliable it was.

yesteaandawineplease · 15/08/2019 06:41

whoops sorry didn't realise this was old
how did things go op? hope all is well.

WhenWillItBeCold · 15/08/2019 07:07

Hope you are ok op.

dottiedodah · 15/08/2019 07:45

I agree with others here .This has been a shock to both of you ,and you both need time to come to terms with it ,and look at the best options for both of you.Some men do panic at the thought of a new baby ,even though they were happy in the production of said LO!.Wait a few days and have a chat over the W/E if you can .You have to think about how you may feel too its not all about him!.You say you have communication problems ,so maybe see if counselling or a trusted family member may be of help ,they may be able to let him know its not just as simple as"dealing with it" .You say he is a lovely man normally so hopefully he will see the light!.Its a difficult one but he cant just dictate to you what he wants to do !

KeenoOnVino · 15/08/2019 10:03

Thanks all. I thought about updating this, but then didn’t really have much to say....!
I’m nearly 30 weeks now. My husband never pressured me once I’d been clear that I wasn’t having an abortion, but the early days were really hard. I was so ill, and felt so depressed and down with it all. He didn’t come to the 12 or 20 week scan, (he came to the dating scan at 7 weeks) citing work reasons, but also said it didn’t seem necessary for a 4th child. I find that hard to forgive.

Things are better now between us. We’ve even had one or two conversations about names! I am really really worried though, as well as being excited about the baby coming. I’m already so tired, I feel pulled in so many directions, I want to be the best mum to my kids and am worried about being so knackered that I won’t be able to. I feel so much more positive now though, and I think once I started telling people and got their “congratulations! How lovely!” Responses, and my mum came round to the idea etc, it made it easier to handle.

I feel a little out of control though, I’ve got no idea where the baby clothes are going to go. The spare room is still a spare room/ dumping ground, we will move all bedrooms around for kids I think once baby is a few months old. I’m normally an organised person but I’m already learning to let go!!!

KeenoOnVino · 15/08/2019 10:07

Oh and Teacher any man that leaves his wife when she’s pregnant with a child that he helped create because he can’t handle it, is a piece of shit.
Luckily, I’m not married to a piece of shit.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been angry with him at times for his response. Saying he’s in denial, and that’s why he didn't want to think about it etc, but I don’t have that luxury, do I?!

We had a bad scare at 16 weeks, and I was so angry and bitter at him thinking he’d have liked it if I’d have lost the baby, and he was so shocked and said that would have been really awful. He said we are way past that now, and that any loss would have been horrible.

KeenoOnVino · 15/08/2019 10:11

Oh and just re reading all those comments about giving him time once the initial shock has worn off were so right. He’s a good person, and I can now see that was a frightened reaction in the heat of the moment. He’s even rubbed my belly a few times saying he wants to feel it kick. I read back my first post and can’t believe that was our situation..... thank goodness!

yesteaandawineplease · 15/08/2019 12:08

thanks for the update op! glad everything is ok. all the best with everything

Teateaandmoretea · 15/08/2019 12:33

Just to play devil's advocate - bearing in mind he was 50% responsible for the conception. The woman is then 100% responsible as the pregnancy happens to your body not his. It meant the decision to carry on with the pregnancy (quite rightly) was yours, but he would have chosen differently. He is lucky that the pregnancy doesn't impact on his body but that brings a lack of control. Once the baby is born it is going to come impact massively on his life even though his body is not affected.

So it isn't necessarily that ridiculous that it took him a while to adjust. None of us are perfect and react positively all the time after all.....

Good luck with the birth and the rest of your lives

Deathraystare · 15/08/2019 14:28

Everytime I see on the news about America and other places that would deny women an abortion I often wonder what men there say when this happens. I bet they still give that (get rid of it) as a glib reply.

Does he not know how pregnancies come about?!!

pusspuss9 · 15/08/2019 15:14

He is not thinking as part of a couple, he is only thinking of himself.
How do you know that?? He could be thinking of the huge effect it might have on the whole family - new car to accomodate the extra seat , new house if the existing one doesn't have enough room, any life together without little ones around to look after. There are many issues involved with another baby, not just the woman's feelings.

Pannalash · 15/08/2019 15:24

Lovely news OP

Flowergirls04 · 01/12/2019 23:31

Just stumbled across this thread and wondered how the OP was getting on? Assuming the baby is due soon / been born recently?

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