Unexpectedly pregnant and husband furious

[Pregnantandhopeless]

I found out last night I was pregnant. It’s some sort of miracle. I’m on contraception and we rarely have sex. It was a shock for both of us. We have 3 (planned) DC already. I was obviously in shock, upset, and felt hopeless. Neither of us planned to have any more children, and we were happy with our lot. Neither of us said very much last night, but we’ve been texting today, and my husband is saying under no circumstances can we have the baby. It will break him, he can’t cope with any more. He is a lovey man, and a very good father to our current children. He’s normally loving and supportive, but his reaction and behaviour and such harshness about this has really upset me. He just wants it sorted out and the problem to disappear. I didn’t want any more children, but I also don’t think I could go through with a termination, I have never thought I could do that. I told my mum today and she just hugged me and said it wasn’t the end of the world. She said she’d support whatever I decided.
I am in turmoil. I do not want to abort, but I also feel like if I don’t my husband will be driven to despair, he will never get over it, and he will lose his mental health.
What also concerns me about all this is that we have struggled at the best of times with communication and this is a massive issue and we can’t seem to communicate. He is angry, and won’t talk about it beyond telling me this isn’t under discussion and we need to sort the problem out; he doesn’t see there is anything to discuss or any decision to make.
I would like to hear from anyone that has gone through this - an unexpected pregnancy, where you and your partner want different things, or even the same result but can’t do the things necessary to get there. How have you managed to move together to any centre ground? How have you gotten over perhaps having a termination you didn’t want, or how has your relationship fared when you had the baby when your husband didn’t want you to.

I’m so upset - I feel like a teenager in trouble, not a married woman with 3 children already.

I'm surprised about 'the marriage would be over' comments as this is caused by the loss of one, or keeping of one, future child, whilst the well being of the lives of the existing children doesn't come into the equation. Only the DM's disappointment/ disillusionment with her DH. Selfish??

I'm going to put your dh aside in this. After all, it is, can only be, your decision, ultimately.

You seem definite on not wanting any more children - what makes you feel you can't go through with a termination? Is that about a sense of guilt? What I am getting at is you risk having a child you don't want, with all the potential awful consequences for that child (you just need to look at threads on here), because you don't feel able to terminate a pregnancy. You need to be thinking beyond the baby to the child. These things can work out - as a number of posts on this thread indicate - and I am one who considered a termination with dc3 but am incredibly glad I had her (but I wanted a third child - my response in pregnancy was largely due to mischannelled dreadful fear after recurrent mc). But if this baby ends your marriage, and you genuinely are/were happy with 3, this has the potential to go very wrong for that child, in terms of your resentment of it. I think you need to sort that out in your mind before you can make a decision.

Regardless of the situation, if be really angry if I felt me dp was trying to push me into having an abortion. It isn't his choice, in any way. It is only your choice, because it is your body.

Why do you not want to terminate OP? Do you want the pregnancy to continue? Or are you scared you'll regret it? Abortions aren't easy but I feel we are fed these ideas about how everyone who has one feels sad about it afterwards and that isn't true. I had an abortion when in a similar situation to you and I honestly have no regrets. The worst bit was being pregnant and waiting for the procedure. I spoke to a Marie Stopes counseller first and that really helped.
I'm not telling you to do it if you want the pregnancy to continue and ultimately have another child - if that is the case ignore me - but if you don't want to have another child but are worried about the abortion, speak to a counseller before ruling it out.
On the rare occasion I look back on mine I remember how tough it was at the time but feel grateful for the life I have now as a result.
Also, one last point, whatever you decide your husband should get a vasectomy! He can't put all responsibility on you then get angry when it goes wrong.

I do not want to abort, but I also feel like if I don’t my husband will be driven to despair, he will never get over it, and he will lose his mental health.

What about your mental health? If you terminate against your wishes, your mental health could be badly affected. Think how that would affect (a) your marriage and (b) your children.

If your marriage is not going to survive either way, what can you cope with most easily - an extra child, or the experience of having had a termination? Something to think about.

How far pregnant are you? It affects what kind of termination you can have.

I think he is right to tell you if he feels another would break the marriage and his mental health. Would you prefer he kept those feelings bottled up? Surely that wouldn’t be healthy for himself or the family.

You’re feelings are totally valid too. However, you also have to think of your existing children and the impact on them if you put this extra pressure on yourselves and what maybe an already fragile marriage. I don’t think it’s so simple as just not wanting an abortion. Can you deal with the consequences of not having one?

I’m just putting forward this perspective because so many people come on these threads to say, rightly, don’t go through with termination if you don’t feel you can. But it maybe actually easier to deal with that than actually keeping it.

He needs to get the snip regardless.

In this situation, there is no 'centre ground' to come to.
You haven't got all the time in the world but I would still suggest giving your husband a few days to get over the shock and assimilate/ process the information. You might get a more considered opinion from him them.
Tho his considered opinion could still be not to keep the baby.
It's a dreadful dilemma for you. His opinion does not trump yours. I feel the woman goes through the pregnancy and it's her life which is much more affected by having a child so, by a small but important margin, that gives her the right to make the decision. But you will have to consider the implications and repercussions of it on yourself, your existing children, your husband, your marriage, and the unborn child.

Do you know why your husband is reacting like this? Is he concerned about the practicalities of having a 4th child? Will you need a bigger car? A bigger house? Are you a SAHM so that the financial burden for providing these falls on him? Do you work now but a 4th child will mean that you can't so losing your income? Is he worried about his job and so he worries about the future?

Maybe you can talk about some of the practical concerns and work out how, together, you can overcome these?

Ultimately this will be your decision but you can't control his decision either. I think that you both need to be able to state your reasons and be heard by the other person.

Yes me. When pregnant with our third child.
My husband didn’t want any more . He didn’t hold a gun to my head but I think he would have liked me to have had an abortion which I couldn’t.
Then when our baby was born he had minor disabilities.
Was awful... we wept buckets.
He’s 37 now. Dad to three lovely boys him see.
I’ve never told him that he’s only here because I fought for him. He worshipped his dad and his dad thought the world of him.
Funny old world isn’t it

Maybe he needs time for the shock to wear off.
I found out before Christmas and never slept for the week

I think I would suggest time and space to both process the information and think about the different options available. I would stop trying to make him immediately talk about it as he sounds like he is just shutting down. Explain to him that you want some time to think, and suggest both coming back to it in a week.

Personally I knew I would never have gotten over an abortion I’m just not wired that way
Things were hard with two toddlers and in my minds eye I kept seeing a little blonde haired three year old girl and thinking
I can’t do that to her

Well I don’t know who she was ... as I had a little boy with ginger hair, cleft lip and palate and twisted hands and feet.

She must’ve been his guardian angel.
He’s the loveliest lad. Dead laid back. Brilliant sense of humour. His partner loves him to bits and I have grandchildren to die for.
It was the right decision for me and I hope you find your right decision

My husband upped and left me after 30 years of marriage for another woman but I still have my lovely son .

We were just practical about the situation - I looked at the negatives, I looked at the costs and I went to see the dr who made the arrangements (in the USA where it was very easy and covered fully by employers insurance). I put my existing kids first which might not be the same for everyone but at the time I had a non verbal autistic child (now fully verbal and high functioning but at the time the drs were being pessimistic). Whilst I completely understand that women make the final decision, you need to talk it through because it does affect you both and the existing kids. Also suggest dh takes a visit to the gp to avoid any other oops situations

I love how he left all the contraception responsibility down to you, absolutely doesn't want more children but hasn't had a vasectomy

To be fair @Dimsumlosesum the OP says SHE didn't want any more children either, but she hadn't had a sterilisation.

I was very angry with DH for not having the vasectomy he promised he would have after our 3rd

Again, to be fair, it could just as similarly be argued that you could have taken responsibility for your own body and had a sterilisation @Panicmode1

Shatners vasectomy is much less invasive and more effective than sterilisation. In this case the man definitely doesn’t want children so could’ve have had a permanent solution whereas the op clearly doesn’t want to terminate.

OP give your dh a bit of time. Don’t discuss it with him for a while and at the same time think about the options for yourself.

When we got to the stage where we definitely didn't want more children I refused to have sex until my husband had a vasectomy and I still have the coil fitted. This was because I could not have an abortion. The only way of ensuring you don't get pregnant is abstinence and all adults should know this and not just women. I support the right to choose and ultimately while I know you are listening to your husband you have to live with the consequences of an abortion. Take care of yourself.

@Karwomannghia I know it is. You say the OP clearly doesn't to terminate, but the OP also clearly said that she didn't want more children either until this happened. There is always a great rush to promote vasectomies on here when "our body, our choice" can apply in many ways. We are personally responsible for our own bodies.

When we got to the stage where we definitely didn't want more children I refused to have sex until my husband had a vasectomy

@Disfordarkchocolate Did your husband counteract that and say he would refuse to have sex until YOU got sterilised? How would you have responded if he had? Genuine question.

Sorry your going through this op.

I think your dh has been very honest. He has told you his is concerned for his mental health etc I would not want to have a baby not knowing my dh would suffer badly.

The above is the reason I'm not having a third. Dh is been very verbal that having another child will put him under a huge amount of stress.

I think you both need to sit down and talk it through, and see what is best for you all as a family. Will it effect how your other dcs are raised, will they miss out on stuff? These are things that I would consider.

I hope you and your family make the right decision for you all.

Thinking of you op x

Shatners I’m waiting to be sterilised because dh won’t but tbh it does irk because I have had so many invasive procedures over the years including insertion and removal of 3 coils a d and c, etc etc. Contraception has always been my responsibility and involved physical intervention for me. Yet dh said he doesn’t want more kids yet refused to have it done, why? Because he’s worried about the procedure and also what if we split up and he meets someone else who wants kids? So actually on balance it would be fairer for the man to take one for the team just once. No they can’t be forced and it’s not possible to force them but I am by default being forced into sterlisation and at every step the medical professionals have said you really need to talk to your husband as this is a much bigger invasive and less effective procedure, requiring a general and a week off whereas the snip is very quick.

@Karwomannghia Yes a vasectomy is a less invasive and quicker procedure but there is an "accepted" serious complication rate of 10% and some studies believe it to be much higher. It can result in permanent chronic pain - I know two people for whom that happened and there used to be a poster on MN who went through it and was left with permanent chronic pain and it completely wrecked his life and his marriage. Did your medical professionals mention all the risks and possible complications with a vasectomy so you could discuss them with your husband?

At the end of the day, BOTH are surgical procedures, ALL surgical procedures have risks and they need to be properly considered.

I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong. But there is a very definite belief with a lot of people that a vasectomy is simple and effective and no side effects besides sore balls for a couple of days. The knee jerk "the man should have the snip and take one for the team" attitude that is so prevalent does often fly in the face of "our body, our choice".

I have 4 - I have no idea what your financial circumstances are, but adding one more to the mix was not nearly as disruptive as having the first! My last two are 14 months apart - they all grew up fine and are all very close now.

ShatnersWig I get pregnant very easily, he was traumatized by the emergency C-section where he genuinely thought I might not make it. I had a pregnancy I could not cope with again. Where we where once he was referred the vasectomy was carried out quickly at a local GP. I managed to develop adhesions from the drain after the C-section so was not keen on more abdominal surgery. Getting the drain removed was like have barbed wire pulled through my whole abdomen with no pain relief. Best decision ever, sex is so much better knowing I can't get pregnant.

Hi OP,

I recently went through something similar.

Unplanned third pregnancy after having two DC's close in age. DH's immediate response was 'we can't cope with a third, I think we should terminate'. But after about three weeks of him having time to think and realising how much having another baby meant to me and how badly I didn't want a termination, he ended up coming around.

He's now completely on board with this pregnancy and frequently tells me about names he likes and rubbing my belly.
His initial reaction, I can now see, was entirely understandable and more of a 'heat of the moment' thing.

Some men just need time. I think it's easier for women to process it all because it's happening in our bodies.

I'd say give him some space. Let him work through it then try and talk about it again when it's not still 'so fresh'.

All the best.

For those saying it's selfish, I could also not terminate. I know I would regret it, and after reading an awful thread on here about a woman who took the pill and instantly regretted it there is nothing that would compel me to do it. She wanted to reverse it as there is a way to potentially do that apparently but not in the UK.

I am pro choice, but pro choice doesn't mean I would ever consider a termination for myself.