Worst things your parents said to you

[LuckyAmy1986]

As a teen, my dad called me 'loose' and a 'cunt' - not both at the same time. I am in my thirties now and still haven't forgotten/got over it! Is this normal? Wanted to know if other people had similar experiences.

[Steeve]

So many, but "You should have been a girl", and "You made me miss Christmas dinner" are the two I'll share.

[MissLanesAmericanCousin]

Steeve I'm sorry that happened to you. Coincidentaly, I was also supposed to be another sex, a boy named Steven or little Stevie as my mother lamented. Neither of them even had a name picked out for me when I was born (which is probably why I'm on the baby names board so much) so she named me after a nurse that she barely met at the hospital. I was never wanted either.

I'm so sorry. Please know that you're not alone though. And, you are deserving of love and want. x

[imip]

Just wondering if everyone on this thread believes they suffer PTSD. I have one session with a therapist and really didn’t need anymore / it’s just confirmed I was a bit of a fuck up because of my family.

I was diagnosed with PTSD when my daughter was stillborn (my Mum: you’re lucky you lost your first, you don’t know what you are missing).

Like then I dwell a lot and remember particular things that have happened (dad reportedly slamming a door on his friend’s head during a fight at our house). I can’t shake certain memories and since having kids I think they happen a lot more.

Is this a common experience?

[imip]

Not reportedly, repeatedly. I was about 12 and standing a metre away, petrified and embarrassed.

[suziedoozy]

@misslanesamericancousin I think you should really congratulate yourself on the things you have achieved - your therapist had a good point and you need to try and own it.

I don’t know what the way forward is but I often think I am not doing the doctorate for me I am doing it to prove something to all the people who made me think I was stupid. But as my husband says what is the point of that? He is very supportive and is financially supporting me whilst I am doing it but would like me to do things for me not because I need to prove something and he is right. I just need to realise that deep inside where I feel so insecure.

A successful marriage is a good achievement in today’s world - just look at relationships for evidence of how many go wrong!

I just hope I don’t pass these feelings on to any kids we have!

[Dimsumlosesum]

"Stupid girl. What's wrong with you? Why are you always like this? You're just like your mother", said with utter dislike in his voice.

[Dimsumlosesum]

He liked to summon me downstairs when I was little nd he was drunk nd I would have to stand there for several hours in front of him in my pyjamas whilst the same words kept being said. I just kept replying "I don't know. I don't know".

[Badtasteflump]

imip re PTSD - yes a counsellor suggested I may have CPTSD (the same thing but with 'complex' at the front...). Apparently this is an only recently recognised thing - PTSD is thought to stem more from one traumatic event. CPTSD stems from a long period of sustained stress, often from abuse.

There are some really good books on CPTSD - one by Pete Walker and some others too that I've found really helpful.

Misslanes I'm sorry you're still suffering at the hands of your mother. It just seems so unfair that you've resigned yourself to having to put up with her abuse into your old age. I have to say it wasn't bravery that made me stop seeing her, I really had no choice because seeing her was making me ill and I had to put my health first so I could be a decent mother to my own children. I also knew I had to protect them from her before she could do to them what she did to me .

Is there no way you can keep working on the plan to disconnect from her with your counsellor?

[Budsbegginingspringinsight]

Wow so sad, DM said some pretty horrid things over the years but mostly when raging drunk and thankfully I knew she was letting off steam as how her life ended up.

All depends on context... I knew DM dearly loved me... DH on other hand has had nothing but drip drip drip of negativity.

[Luvacuppatea]

‘You aren’t the right daughter for me - *** (my first cousin) should have been my daughter’.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

@Greensleeves is right, @Itgoesonandon - you are a miracle to have survived your abusive parents. I hope you are now surrounded by people who love you and value you - it is the least you deserve.

[Steeve]

Regarding PTSD, I've been diagnosed with PTSD and cPTSD. cPTSD due long history of childhood emotional abuse, PTSD from childhood sexual assault.

The book "Childhood Disrupted" by Donna Jackson Nazakawa is very good at delving into dysfunctional families.

[ValleyClouds]

I also have complex PTSD

Which my DM naturally refuses to accept

[Itgoesonandon]

@Greensleeves
@MissLanesAmericanCousin
@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

Thank you. My dad is a terrible human being. I suspect he would always have been a terrible person without the childhood illness that left him deaf. My mum was a young and ignorant Mum, isolated by her deafness and prone to lashing out in frustration. I feel I understand her mistakes a little better.

I do ok these days. I spent much of my life feeling a bit stateless IYSWIM -made to dislike hearing people when I was one, not really wanting to be around my deaf parents. I used to associate all the negative stuff with their deafness, like it was an excuse. I just didn’t seem to have a place in the world. That’s not true now, though i’ll always be a bit guarded and introverted.

The big problem I face is my own unshakeable need to be/ be seen as a good daughter. That stops me from going NC from very low contact. But I might be pushed toward NC as it’s tiring putting them off all the time and I simply don’t want him around my kids.

[Chimmychunga]

I've found the most comforting part and almost revenge is raising my DC correctly. DS will never know pain in the way I did. He'll never know what it feels like to be abandoned. Their parenting was like a guidebook on how not to do it.

I don't believe it's true that there is a cycle of abuse.

[Steeve]

@Itgoesonandon I'm so sorry for your horrendous childhood.

The big problem I face is my own unshakeable need to be/ be seen as a good daughter. That stops me from going NC from very low contact.

Fuck yes, the fear, obligation, guilt triad formed from years of being conditioned through emotional abuse. I believe we're only just scratching the surface of the damage emotional childhood abuse causes, it's so insidious and leaves no scars. I'd have preferred being beaten for the duration of my childhood, and I do not say that lightly. While eventually one can grow big enough to fight back, emotional abuse has the same effect as if one was still a child, yet there's always the guilt of going LC/NC, the obligation of acceding to ones' parents, of being a "good" son/daughter. I also have found myself going out of my way to please them, and pretty much all my childhood reflects this.

[GunpowderGelatine]

DH and I got married in Vegas, just the 2 of us with proper outfits, pictures etc and had a party to celebrate when we got home. It's what we wanted to do and was the happiest day of my life (I actually was happier than the days the kids were later born, as weird as that sounds). The chapel we got married in live-streamed the wedding so people at home could watch it.

My mum said when I asked what she thought about how I looked: "You had your hair like you were just going to work, and your dress was like you: plain and simple"

My dad was an alcoholic, and died six years ago, now and again I'd get a phone call calling me a cunt. But he was very and sadly beyond the point of help

It's bothers me 1000x more what my mum said than what my dad said. And she's wrong, I looked beautiful on my wedding day.

[GunpowderGelatine]

Also my mum can't for the life of her understand why my SIL (DB's partner) can't stand her. "She's only met me twice". Well mother she refuses to go to yours because, when she had a miscarriage you told her it was a "blessing in disguise" and then when they did have a baby she came to your house, had the bravery at 16 weeks post partum to put a bikini and make up on for sunbathing and you acted like she'd gone round flashing the village and laughed at her saying "this isn't Bondi beach you know what have you got false eyelashes on for?"

If anyone asked my mother she'd tell them she's really close to her kids, best friends, and they really look up to her. To other people she's the best mum ever

[CatherineofTarragon1]

My family make the Adams family look like the the Waltons. My dad told
me daily,as a child ,he was going to put me in a home. ( he was in a home). My mum always stood there and said nothing! He also called me fat cow (I'm not fat) and punched me in the face,splitting my lip.

When I found out that my deeply religious and god fearing mother actually fell pregnant with me before she was married, she told me that in hindsight she should have had me aborted, only for the fact that she was Irish and had no choice. That was one of her kinder remarks!

And once upon a time ,many moons ago while still living at home, I asked my sister how long she was going to be in the bath, as I needed to go out also. She responded by throwing a scalding hot cup of black coffee over my face, scalding me and effectively immediately cancelling my night out as my face and neck were a mess and no need for a bath! Both of my parents stood there in shock , doing nothing while my face burned! My sister walked off, got ready and went out.

Needless to say I have nothing to do with any of them and haven't for decades. I have my own lovely and loving little family and never looked back!

Their actions never have and never will ever define me or influence who I am or how I interact with my own family and others.

[Itgoesonandon]

@Steeve thank you. Completely agree with you. Sometimes I wonder if they are aware how close to NC I am, and manage their behaviour within limits. Like using words rather than physical violence as a kid -never giving you anything big enough to justify walking away from the obligation.

[Tensixtysix]

My mum told me that when my brother and I were toddlers she wanted to murder us and then take her own life.
She had bi-polar and thought that we would end up like her.
Thankfully she never did and she told me when I was 14.
I always locked my door at night after that. Not nice to have to fear your own parent.

[Steeve]

@GunpowderGelatine

If anyone asked my mother she'd tell them she's really close to her kids, best friends, and they really look up to her. To other people she's the best mum ever

Yep, typical behaviour. Absolute nightmare inside for us victims but for anyone looking in, the perfect family.

I contacted an Aunt in the last few months, and her view was exactly as you described, with her message firing shots at me.

[Omgineedanamechange]

Both parents called me lazy, selfish, stupid and ignorant constantly. Mother used to say she was going to stick her head in the oven and kill herself. I have a really clear memory of the gas engineer fitting a new cooker, and demonstrating to my grandmother how the safety feature worked, so you couldn’t leave the gas in the oven on without lighting it. I asked DGM if that now meant DM couldnt kill herself. Gas engineers face was a picture. I was five.

[MissLanesAmericanCousin]

Steeve, yes, I too was diagnosed with C-PTSD 2 years ago, PTSD, about 4 years ago. I've always thought it was something you got from being in a war, like my husband who also has it (PTSD not C-PTSD) But, lets face it, you and I (and others here) essentially grew up in a war zone. It was constant and systematic.

I also think they are just scratching the surface when it comes to the disastrous impact that emotional abuse has on children. They've made great strides in the U.S though. My therapist has also told me that EA is far more damaging psychologically then physical abuse. I had both, but at least most of the time, you can heal from that. The scars from EA are detrimental and paralyzing.

tgoesonandon I am also low contact with my idiot cow of a mother. I just don't have the courage right now to cut her off completely. The guilt is tremendous. I applaud anyone who has gone NC, but I understand those who can't, and I don't pass judgment on them. Maybe, someday. But, not today.

My mother also sexualized me at a very young age. I told her a couple of years ago that there is a GIF of me having sex with someone. Tbh, I don't even remember it happening or who the guy was. I think I was manic at the time it happened and I think it was after I had been raped that summer. I had no idea that I was being filmed. It is what it is. At least I looked good though! HA! Hell, I mean what choice to you have? You either cry about it or laugh about it, and I choose the latter.

Anyway, she actually wanted to see the video! Like she was excited to see it. She also wanted to see my husband's cock, as I may have stupidly alluded to the fact that that he was endowed in a conversation awhile back, because she asked me a silly question. She also recommended that I have to go have fun and sex when I was about 10. I gave my first blowjob when I was 12. Had anal at 14. Vaginal at 15. She also didn't believe me when I told her when I was about 8, that my brother had molested me. She told me it was a dream. She then invited him to my bedroom and asked him if he'd done anything. He of course denied it. She now blames me and said she would have done something to stop it, if only I had told her again. The fact that I only told her once was clearly not enough.

In regards to the not liking hearing people thing, I can kinda relate to that, as I hate hearing women speak Spanish, as my mother was both Mexican and Spanish (was born and grew up in Mexico) and the only time she spoke Spanish was when she insulted me.

I can understand the kid thing. Not wanting your parents around them, as it would negatively impact them. This is why my sister limits the interaction between my mother and her son. Me, on the other hand, I just don't have that reason. I have no children (although my nephew is the spitting image of me, except with blue eyes) so, I don't really have a good enough reason to go NC. Not to mention, my brother has ceased all contact with her, my sister is even more low contact than I am. And, to make matters worse she literally lives about 5 minutes away. Within walking distance. I cannot help but to feel responsible for her. I think this is because growing up, both of our parents made us feel the need to care for them emotionally. I knew about my parents (or lack of sex life) when I was a pre-teen. Emotionally, she can range between a petulant 2 year old to a 15 year old girl.

GunpowderGelatine, my mother is also considered an absolute delight to everyone who has met her. HA! Yeah, right. Sorry, about your experiences with you witch of a mother though. You're not alone x

I don't have the answers. Sure seems like a lot of us are in the same boat, though eh?

Here's some pretty for you guys, and some If you don't drink like I do, we can share some together, although, I do prefer coffee over tea though.

[amusedbush]

My mum once called me a cunt. She also told me that she never wanted kids and only had us so my dad wouldn't resent her in later life.

The sad fact is she never needed to SAY it, I already knew by the way she treated us.