CF neighbour, but I feel guilty. Sorry it’s long

[Guilttrippy]

Our kids go to different schools but theirs is kind of on the way back from ours if we take a detour.

A couple of weeks ago my neighbour messaged to ask if I knew anyone who could pick her kids up from school and then keep them until 4pm until she got back from work (I think her dh has started a new job). I told her straight up that I would offer but because I work evenings (albeit part time) I need to get home from school ASAP to give kids tea (3 kids) and get ready for work. Picking her kids up (2) wouldn’t be a straight job, it adds a lot of time going to another school. My 2 days off kids do after school activities.

So she asked me about a friend that lives nearby. Now this friend also has 3 kids and one is still a toddler. Her kids also go to my school. I told her it might be hard for her but asked her anyway, and gave her neighbour’s number.

So we come to today, neighbour asks me if I had asked my friend, as now both parents are finding school pick ups really hard and it’s getting very stressful for them both. I’m sure this was a stealth plea to me to help them. I replied that I was sorry to hear that and I had passed her number to friend. Then she asked me for the friend’s number 😳. I don’t know if she’s messaged or phoned her, but if someone hasn’t contacted you, that’s an obvious “no” isn’t it?

A part of me is now feeling guilty for not helping. It’s seems they’re trying to save money and not pay for after school clubs or child minders. I do go that way to pick my children up but I don’t think I’d have the mental strength to deal with 5 kids walking or in my car, and I know it wouldn’t be a short term thing. Also, if you’re applying for new jobs, surely your kids come first and you think about who’ll be picking them up/dropping them BEFORE you accept the job?

Anything that doesn’t include the word ‘no’ is a maybe!

Channel your inner Phoebe Buffay
"I like to help you but I don't want to"

Checking what time neighbour gets home is useful so that when she asks you "in an emergency" you can confidently say that you know they won't be home before you have to leave for work, so still no.

Channel your next door neighbour
She just told her she can’t do it and that was it

This friend may not be annoyed but another person might be. In future think twice before giving a persons number out without asking them first.

Not your problem, they need to use after school club

Deleting it from your brain is right. Don't give it the headspace of noting down their arrival times, you'll end up using those times to make excuses instead of giving a clear no. Then they can just say "ah but I pinky promise it's only one day a week and I will get home extra early to help to out" and you'll end up agreeing. Just say no.

Meh I feel shit again now. What a situation she’s put me in.

No, YOU got yourself into this situation with your inability to say no. I would be fuming if I was your friend and you'd given out my number, especially after the friend had already said she couldn't help. Rather than you saying no to the neighbour, you basically dumped the problem on your friend. That's not really friendship is it?

All this could have been so easily dealt with at the start with the MN classic "no, that won't work for me". Stop being such a wimp OP.

DH has a habit of doing this with his family, to all “ not sure if we can” and “ we’ll have to see”
It causes all sorts of problems and I end up having to step in and say no that’s not possible - so I look like the nasty one
Luckily I give no shits
It’s much politer and less trouble in the long run to say no than fanny around and let people down ( or so they see it)

The thing is I did say no! When I said no she asked me to ask my friend. So I asked my friend and she said no too. I gave friend neighbour’s number to tell her herself, but friend didn’t message her! Which is why neighbour pushed for her number and sent me sad emoji faced messages that made me feel guilty.

Anyway it’s all done. On my part, I said “no” at the off, neighbour put me on the spot pushing me to ask my friend. I was going to recommend after school clubs (one famous one that runs in her school 🙄) but didn’t after she poopooed my “lady down the road” suggestion; which was a good one because she walks right past our houses every single day with her kids.

Hopefully she won’t message again, but I think bumping into them will be awkward for a few weeks!

You need to be more assertive and just tell people no instead of making excuses or suggestions.

Of course your friend didn’t message her though, why on earth would she get involved with this! Who does childcare for free for strangers?

On my part, I said “no” at the off, neighbour put me on the spot pushing me to ask my friend

No. Why would I do that?

You really do need to assert yourself more. And don't be giving out friends phone numbers again. Your friends give you those for your use only, not to act as an informal childcare directory!

If you read your original post you say ‘I would do it but I have to rush off to work’ which is only half true because if you did nothing in the evenings you still wouldn’t drive to another school and collect someone’s kids and look after them for free?

So your response should have been one of horror. ‘Oh no, I couldn’t do that’. Can your friend?. ‘ no she won’t either, have you tried the after school club?’

"On my part, I said “no” at the off, neighbour put me on the spot pushing me to ask my friend. I was going to recommend after school clubs (one famous one that runs in her school 🙄) but didn’t after she poopooed my “lady down the road” suggestion; which was a good one because she walks right past our houses every single day with her kids."

"Sorry I can't, and friend also has the same kind of demands on her time already that I do, I'm pretty sure she won't be able to take yours on as well. The after school club near you is good, that's probably what I'd go for if I was you".

100% agree with the suggested response that @StormTreader has put forward. Don't feel guilty about not being available to look after CF Neighbours kids. It's not your job, it's CF Neighbours.

I would imagine that your friend didn't reply to CF Neighbour simply because she doesn't have to. You really shouldn't have given CF Neighbour your friends phone number (at least without checking with friend first ) as she will likely be pestered by CF Neighbour as a result of her non-compliance with the wishes of CF Neighbour!

Sad face emojis make you feel guilty? I kind of know what you mean though

I will be practising my “no” saying skills for the foreseeable future.

Yes annoyingly your friend may get pestered as a back up now. She needs to block the number.

Why on earth would you be keeping a note of when they get home? It's none of your business/concern what childcare they have since put in place.

hi

what is CF? cystic fibrosis is all I can find

CF = cheeky fucker. Not cystic fibrosis.

Thanks guilttripy!