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Original poster

CF neighbour, but I feel guilty. Sorry it’s long

123 replies

Guilttrippy · 10/02/2019 21:26

Our kids go to different schools but theirs is kind of on the way back from ours if we take a detour.

A couple of weeks ago my neighbour messaged to ask if I knew anyone who could pick her kids up from school and then keep them until 4pm until she got back from work (I think her dh has started a new job). I told her straight up that I would offer but because I work evenings (albeit part time) I need to get home from school ASAP to give kids tea (3 kids) and get ready for work. Picking her kids up (2) wouldn’t be a straight job, it adds a lot of time going to another school. My 2 days off kids do after school activities.

So she asked me about a friend that lives nearby. Now this friend also has 3 kids and one is still a toddler. Her kids also go to my school. I told her it might be hard for her but asked her anyway, and gave her neighbour’s number.

So we come to today, neighbour asks me if I had asked my friend, as now both parents are finding school pick ups really hard and it’s getting very stressful for them both. I’m sure this was a stealth plea to me to help them. I replied that I was sorry to hear that and I had passed her number to friend. Then she asked me for the friend’s number 😳. I don’t know if she’s messaged or phoned her, but if someone hasn’t contacted you, that’s an obvious “no” isn’t it?

A part of me is now feeling guilty for not helping. It’s seems they’re trying to save money and not pay for after school clubs or child minders. I do go that way to pick my children up but I don’t think I’d have the mental strength to deal with 5 kids walking or in my car, and I know it wouldn’t be a short term thing. Also, if you’re applying for new jobs, surely your kids come first and you think about who’ll be picking them up/dropping them BEFORE you accept the job?

OP posts:
userschmoozer · 10/02/2019 22:20

I think you were out of order giving CF the number, I dont understand why you feel guilty about not giving her free childcare and not that.

Patchworksack · 10/02/2019 22:20

Your mistake was saying "I would offer BUT..." in the first place, rather than "no" and then wasting any time thinking of solutions. If I were your friend I'd be pretty pissed off you gave out my number to a certified CF too! She needs to pay for proper after-school childcare.

SearchingForSeaGlass · 10/02/2019 22:21

It might be worth sending a message to your friend before you see her in the morning, just to set her straight. Otherwise your neighbour might give the wrong impression about what childcare she's asking for (acting like it's temporary) or she might suggest that you've agreed on your friend's behalf.

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PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 10/02/2019 22:21

Bit late in the day, but it was very inconsiderate of you to pass on your mate’s number to a freeloading stranger.

You didn’t even need to mention that you knew someone who might have been able to help- what ever happened to saying “that’s a pity- hope you get something sorted.”?

rosablue · 10/02/2019 22:26

Time to start to just keep mentioning childcare websites, local sites or facebook pages that would have childcare providers on, the afterschool club, and so on. And point out that it is a really big ask. especially when kids are small to have them so regularly for so long, because everybody has their own plans in the evenings.

Original poster
Guilttrippy · 10/02/2019 22:26

But my friend had already told me she couldn’t do it, and I had agreed with her. We even laughed that it was too hard to do with our own kids. I know my friend won’t mind me giving her number, we have quite a good relationship but I will apologise tomorrow and explain she pushed for her number. She actually did put me on the spot when I said my friend mentioned it will be hard for her but she still insisted on her number. It’s like she didn’t believe me I’d spoken to her.

OP posts:
TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 10/02/2019 22:30

Time to start to just keep mentioning childcare websites, local sites or facebook pages that would have childcare providers on, the afterschool club, and so on. And point out that it is a really big ask.

With people like this, you have to just tell them no. You cannot offer to solve their problems for them. This neighbour and her partner are perfectly capable of sourcing childcare themselves. They also don't give a flying fuck how big an ask it is or they'd never have done it in the first place.

LittlePaintBox · 10/02/2019 22:30

I was on the receiving end of a lot of CF-ery when my kids sere little from a friend who made no bones about the fact that her 3rd child was unplanned and she and her husband were really short of money - hence frequent requests to take to nursery, pick up etc. she somehow got me feeling guilty because my life was (intentionally) not as chaotic as hers.

In the end I just had to learn to say 'no' and remember the great saying I picked up from a work colleague -

A LACK OPF PLANNING ON YOUR PART IS NOT AN EMERGENCY ON MY PART

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 10/02/2019 22:31

YANBU. If she was unexpectedly admitted to hospital I would definitely help her but this is the kind of thing they could have planned for. They really will need to get a childminder or pay for after school club. To be honest it's a bit odd she was asking your friend - if you don't know someone well enough to have their phone number and your kids don't go to the same school it's way too big a favour to ask.

BornInAThunderstorm · 10/02/2019 22:31

Your friend told you she couldn’t do it, but is now going to get a call from a total stranger trying to convince her because you were unable to say no. This would really annoy me if I were your friend

Original poster
Guilttrippy · 10/02/2019 22:31

No no no! I never mentioned my friend as a solution to her at all!! Neighbour had met my friend at our school fair and she asked me about her when I told her I couldn’t offer to help. Even at the start off I said she has 3 kids and a toddler but she insisted I spoke to her.

Omg. This is getting very complicated. I think I’ll message friend in the morning in case neighbour has told her I suggested her! Which is NOT the case!!

OP posts:
userschmoozer · 10/02/2019 22:35

You couldn't say no to the CF or deal with the pressure but you expect her to. You can expect her to be annoyed, give her a decent apology.

SearchingForSeaGlass · 10/02/2019 22:36

Are you usually more assertive? You seem quite submissive with her : your neighbour was being rude if she insinuated that she didn't believe you, and rather than maintaining your position, you gave out someone's private phone number? It seems like you're not able to stand up for yourself with this neighbour. Maybe it'd be helpful to prepare a few responses for the next time she asks a favour.

Honeyroar · 10/02/2019 22:36

You gave your friends number because you felt put on the spot, yet you put your friend on the spot by giving out her number!! I hope your friend is stronger than you were, or you've really dropped her in it!

Drum2018 · 10/02/2019 22:37

Then you should have told your neighbour that your friend said no. Why give out her number when she had said she wouldn't do it? Anyway tell your friend to be ready for a call, that she needs to say a very blunt No, and then let that be the end of it.

Original poster
Guilttrippy · 10/02/2019 22:40

I will give a very big apology!! I’m sure she’ll understand. Meh I feel shit again now. What a situation she’s put me in.

Honestly if someone doesn’t contact you, you’d just leave it wouldn’t you?! Just because you’re stressed because you can’t deal with your kids why the hell would you stress someone else out 🤦‍♀️.

OP posts:
AWishForWingsThatWork · 10/02/2019 22:41

Not your problem, not your problem, not your problem.

If she truly needed to sort it, she could: it's called paying someone the going rate to collect and mind her children until one of them gets home.

Bowerbird5 · 10/02/2019 22:41

Please don't feel guilty.
I was asked by a mum at my daughter's school if she could come before school during the winter as her mum (next village about 4mile) was worried about driving. The girls got on fine and went to the same dance class. I child minded after school but thought this was just a temporary thing and mum had hinted about sharing dance class transport which would have suited if I was taking my 3 boys to football. It went on past winter, the girl resented it, my daughter was a sleepy head so didn't get up until late and I took them over at 8.50 -55 to which girl used to make faces about. It went on till she went to Secondary. I was given one bottle of wine in over eighteen months and when I did asked for DD to get a lift she was busy. Oh and she didn't invite DD to her birthday party.

When they left the village she didn't even come and say goodbye. We found out they had gone from their neighbour.
So don't feel guilty this is how they get free child care they get mugs like me to feel sorry for them. We have never heard from them.

I think she is quite cheeky when they are not even at the same school. You will find it annoying at times if you do it and likely she will be late sometimes because she just nipped into the supermarket on the way home. This will make you late for work but she wont be bothered.

Original poster
Guilttrippy · 10/02/2019 22:42

I did say to neighbour that my friend said it’ll be hard for her. That’s a polite “no” isn’t it?

OP posts:
Aridane · 10/02/2019 22:42

What a situation she’s put me in - no, that one's on you

Gitfeatures · 10/02/2019 22:44

she still insisted on her number

I said she has 3 kids and a toddler but she insisted I spoke to her.

She’d already told me she can’t do it

I even told CF neighbour today that she’d mentioned it might be hard for her

I await your friend's 'aibu?' post.

Gitfeatures · 10/02/2019 22:45

I did say to neighbour that my friend said it’ll be hard for her. That’s a polite “no” isn’t it?

No.

SearchingForSeaGlass · 10/02/2019 22:45

Yes of course most people would understand that the friend is saying no by not contacting her. That's why it's clear that the neighbour is being cheeky, and why you should stand by your friend's decision on no contact, rather than forcing her into a conversation with the neighbour that the friend clearly doesn't want.

thefirst48 · 10/02/2019 22:45

No it's not a polite no. You were to scared to say no in the first place so you passed it onto someone else. If my friend gave my number out for something like this I'd be fuming.

Aridane · 10/02/2019 22:46

I did say to neighbour that my friend said it’ll be hard for her. That’s a polite “no” isn’t it?

No, it,really isn't