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Original poster

CF neighbour, but I feel guilty. Sorry it’s long

123 replies

Guilttrippy · 10/02/2019 21:26

Our kids go to different schools but theirs is kind of on the way back from ours if we take a detour.

A couple of weeks ago my neighbour messaged to ask if I knew anyone who could pick her kids up from school and then keep them until 4pm until she got back from work (I think her dh has started a new job). I told her straight up that I would offer but because I work evenings (albeit part time) I need to get home from school ASAP to give kids tea (3 kids) and get ready for work. Picking her kids up (2) wouldn’t be a straight job, it adds a lot of time going to another school. My 2 days off kids do after school activities.

So she asked me about a friend that lives nearby. Now this friend also has 3 kids and one is still a toddler. Her kids also go to my school. I told her it might be hard for her but asked her anyway, and gave her neighbour’s number.

So we come to today, neighbour asks me if I had asked my friend, as now both parents are finding school pick ups really hard and it’s getting very stressful for them both. I’m sure this was a stealth plea to me to help them. I replied that I was sorry to hear that and I had passed her number to friend. Then she asked me for the friend’s number 😳. I don’t know if she’s messaged or phoned her, but if someone hasn’t contacted you, that’s an obvious “no” isn’t it?

A part of me is now feeling guilty for not helping. It’s seems they’re trying to save money and not pay for after school clubs or child minders. I do go that way to pick my children up but I don’t think I’d have the mental strength to deal with 5 kids walking or in my car, and I know it wouldn’t be a short term thing. Also, if you’re applying for new jobs, surely your kids come first and you think about who’ll be picking them up/dropping them BEFORE you accept the job?

OP posts:
Mummylife2018 · 11/02/2019 08:23

Look up the number of a childminder and pass it to her under the guise of her being a friend

THIS!!!!!!

Mummylife2018 · 11/02/2019 08:23

*a friend that can help

CatToddlerUprising · 11/02/2019 08:28

She’s definitely cheeky. What would she do about car seats? Would you or your friend even be able to fit them in your cars? (Presuming you’re driving). Lack of space and car seats would be more than enough of a reason to say no

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StrongTea · 11/02/2019 08:39

Also the problem when kids are off for school holidays, what is she going to do with them then?

DamonSalvatoresDinner · 11/02/2019 08:42

Now that CF has your friends number you may want to pre-warn her with an idea what to say.
Something like "I'm sorry I'm not registered"
CF: "Registered? You don't need to be registered."
Friend: "yeah I would have to be to declare the extra income"
CF says something about not paying.
Friend; "Now why would anyone provide daily childcare for a complete stranger for free? It's a childminder you're needing"

It not that hard. It'll be a lot easier for your friend to refuse than it was for you. Favours are a thing amongst friends (though this is a pisstake not favour) but strangers can easily say hell no.

sagradafamiliar · 11/02/2019 08:45

She was waiting for you because she knows you and would rather you have done it. You're a CF for palming her off on your friend. Why would your friend do it? They aren't neighbours.
I'd have done it as a one off personally but no, don't feel guilty.
Imagine your friend's AIBU: I've had a call from a CF stranger to ferry her kids about after school and it was my mate's idea/suggestion 😂

GetOffTheTableMabel · 11/02/2019 08:51

I think you should feel quite pleased with yourself really. It obviously doesn’t come easily to you to disappoint people but you said no to her. You know this wouldn’t work for your family and you didn’t allow her to guilt-trip you into it. You can’t help feeling the guilt at saying no - but at least you said it.
If she expresses anxiety about her arrangements to you again I think you should tell her “the thing is, it’s a really busy time of day for everyone. I don’t think you’re going to find anyone who wants to make a commitment to doing this every day. People like flexibility to do their own thing after school. It’s just too big a favour to ask.” She must know this really, she’s just vaguely hoping that she’s wrong. But it’s too much.

ThanosSavedMe · 11/02/2019 09:11

Do not give the cf a name or number of a childminder. If that cm is unable to help she will then come back to you for other solutions. Her children, her problem. Suggest she looks into cm, but do no help her find one.

Mummylife2018 · 11/02/2019 10:17

@Guilttrippy Is your friend ok with you?

Hoppinggreen · 11/02/2019 10:23

Don’t feel bad about not doing the school run for CF
DO feel bad for giving her such a wish washy response and then off loading the problem to your friend
I would have no issue saying no to CF but I wouid be fuming that you gave her my number.
Saying “ I would help but” or “ that’s going to be difficult” is not the same as “ sorry I can’t”

babysleep4 · 11/02/2019 10:30

I hope she hasn't called your friend yet and put her on the spot. Give your friend a warning ASAP. I would be livid if you'd give my number out.

Original poster
Guilttrippy · 11/02/2019 10:36

I messaged friend this morning but she hasn’t replied yet, which is normal for her. As I said before she has a toddler and 2 older dc at school so has her hands full during the day. I’ll see her at school pick up though and tell her what happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
Guilttrippy · 11/02/2019 10:40

Oh and someone mentioned car seats etc: we have a 7 seater so all the kids would fit in my car no problem.

OP posts:
steppemum · 11/02/2019 10:41

If she asks again, just say, well, in order to do it legally, you would need to register as achild minder, which will cost a couple of hundred pounds, and then it will be £5 per child per hour.

She will stop asking!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 11/02/2019 11:25

Did you give your CF neighbor your friend's contact number? That's a bit beyond the norm. I would have said to CF neighbor that I've passed CF number on to friend and that Friend will get back in touch with CF neighbor and not to involve me further.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 11/02/2019 12:48

She'll keep trying to visit this on you because she sees you as a sucker and she's an entitled cow. 'Talked to your friend, she said no. It's really stressful for us.' 'Yes, juggling work and childcare when the kids are young is always a palaver. That's what keeps nurseries, childminders and nannies in business!' and then you leave. If she mentions money or wanting to save money or how expensive it is, you just shrug. 'Yes, it's a valuable service, looking after our most precious thing in the world, no wonder providers need to charge what they do.'

And you offer her nothing. She'll hear nothing but no.

If she point blank asks again, you say, 'No. We have a set up that really works for our family and can't extend to providing childcare.'

No apologies or suggestions or alternatives.

Mummylife2018 · 11/02/2019 16:19

@Guilttrippy How did school pick up go with your friend? X

dustarr73 · 11/02/2019 17:46

If you gave out my phone number to someone i didnt know i would be annoyed.

You're basically passing on the problem to your poor friend because you dont have the balls to tell the cf no.

importantkath · 11/02/2019 17:59

She's a CF!

I would also be annoyed at passing my number over, but hopefully you won't do that again.

7salmonswimming · 11/02/2019 18:00

Thing is, being coy and thinking you’re being nice by seeming to understand the predicament and not saying a bald “no”, it’s actually very wrong of you.

This saga now involves three parents, a bunch of kids, headspace on the part of however many people, and lord knows what else - and all because you didn’t just say “no” at the outset.

You not having the ability to say no causes trouble. If you’d been clear and firm from the outset, none of this would have happened. Being firm and saying no when you need to doesn’t make you a horrible person. It makes you a responsible person.

Amber0685 · 11/02/2019 18:26

Guilttrippy did you see your friend at school pickup? Had CF contacted her?

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 11/02/2019 18:29

It doesn't matter if you're driving a minibus, Guilt, you tell her NO. 'No, I'm not available for childcare. You'll have to sort that out for your family.' The end. And don't be a wally and offer emergencies, either.

SparkiePolastri · 11/02/2019 21:33

Really good point, 7salmons.

It's a lesson for me as a people-pleasing, confrontation avoider - doing this can actually makes (more) people's lives harder and more complicated, not easier.

Original poster
Guilttrippy · 12/02/2019 01:16

Friend messaged me today as I didn’t bump into her at school and told me neighbour had messaged. She wasn’t annoyed or pissed off like many of you were suggesting Grin. She just told her she can’t do it and that was it.

I’m now going to keep a note of when they get home everyday. Today I left for work at 5pm and they weren’t home. Neighbour hasn’t specified what days they need help which is strange. I’m wondering whether they have childcare in place for some days and don’t want to pay that.

Anyway, I don’t care! I’m just deleting it from my brain.

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 12/02/2019 06:30

I’m now going to keep a note of when they get home everyday
Why would you. do that