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Original poster

What does your DH do when you are ill?

110 replies

PurplePepperEater · 03/02/2019 13:39

Does he just assume all responsibility, send you to bed and bring you tea?
Or does he expect you to still do everything and get annoyed when you can’t?

Every time I’m unwell I have to beg and plead with home to help me and/or to let me go to bed or have a lie down, we always always argue when I’m ill, he never wants to take time off from work for me and I always feel like I’m punished in some way for daring to be ill
I’ve actually took myself off to my Mums before now to be looked after and get some rest because I don’t get any at home

I just want to feel like he cares and he’s a bit sad that I don’t feel well because he loves me and wants me to be happy - is that really so much to ask??

OP posts:

Ethel80 · 03/02/2019 14:29

@EngagedAgain I am!

He's kind and lovely. I just couldn't be with someone who was cold and unfeeling.

Original poster

PurplePepperEater · 03/02/2019 14:30

Brazen do you have DC?

OP posts:

ChrisPrattsFace · 03/02/2019 14:31

I currently have Hyperemesis Gravidarum and he’s done everything! Literally waiting on me hand and foot, he’s wonderful.
Usually I would get the odd comment being off sick, but he’s been very supportive

Sproutingcorm · 03/02/2019 14:35

He'll willingly dive in and take over chores but he has to be told what needs doing to a certain extent and he's in the kind of job where he can't just not be available so he will fit domestic stuff around work so only the vital stuff would get done and I'd get up to a back log of washing and cleaning (kitchen sink and bin in a bit of a yuck state, everyone running out of clean socks, pants and towels for example). He can't forward plan for toffee which is infuriating. He's very good at driving DD everywhere and the meal provision (food shopping and cooking) aspects though because he loves his car and his grub!

BollocksToBrexit · 03/02/2019 14:37

My DH would help in whatever way he could. The few times I've been really ill he's taken time off work so DS is cared for. But then he's the type of man who believes in his heart and sole that he is responsible for the welfare of his family.

I'm sorry for those of you who don't get the support you need when you're poorly.

Brazenhussy0 · 03/02/2019 14:39

Two school-age DSD, Purple. We both work full time and the kids are with us at weekends.

I don't have young DC of my own, but I imagine my approach and attitude to my own illnesses wouldn't change if I did

TheBigBangRocks · 03/02/2019 14:41

We look after each other when sick, we'd only take time off work if it was serious or either of us really and truly couldn't look after the children.

Sproutingcorm · 03/02/2019 14:44

Just read my post back and it's a bit hard on DH! Should add that I'm going in to hospital soon and he surprised me by taking time off really important work last week to come with me to various consultant appts even though it meant him having to catch up with work at night/this weekend, so I'm pretty lucky actually!

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 03/02/2019 14:44

We look after each other when sick, we'd only take time off work if it was serious or either of us really and truly couldn't look after the children.

^ Yes, this although my DH is able to wfh as and when needed so that flexibility really helps. Our children are very young and not of an age where they can do much for themselves, so they really need to be looked after still.

DareDevil223 · 03/02/2019 15:16

Last year I had the most awful vomiting bug, I was sick for 36 hours straight, I looked like the wrath of God and was exhausted and dehydrated.

DP got me to the doctors, picked up my prescription for anti-emetics, looked after Dcat and made his own food, bought me Lucozade and just generally looked after me with real love and care. I'd do the same for him of course.

Ex-h wasn't terribly good when I was ill, he used to do the competitive illness and tiredness thing, he would stay home with DS when he was ill though.

DP has been a revelation when it comes to kindness, love and care.

EngagedAgain · 03/02/2019 15:31

CarolDanvers, 'I hate his guts'. Hear, hear, same here! It's easier being on your own when ill, than having someone actually causing even more trouble, when you least need it. Sympathies go out to anyone else putting up with these bell ends!

JuniperSling · 03/02/2019 15:34

Mysteriously becomes ill too, but soldiers on even though he "feels like shit"...

FrenchyQ · 03/02/2019 15:36

I've had a terrible cold since Friday and DH has been really good...hes made dinner and gone to the shops for me.Kids are a bit older though so easier to deal with

fortheloveofmum · 03/02/2019 15:38

My husband is not helpful when I'm ill. I get the impression he is fuming at me too when I dare to be ill 🙄 if I go and lie down he comes in the room asking 'why I've gone to lie down'. He will help if I ask him to but he huffs and sighs the whole time he's doing whatever he's been asked to do. Thank god I don't get ill often. When he's ill he expects no end of sympathy though and will happily lie on the sofa 'dying' telling me how bad he feels and expect me to do everything. Does get me down a bit as it doesn't make me feel very cared about 🙁

TulipsInbloom1 · 03/02/2019 15:44

He does Everything.

AliasGrape · 03/02/2019 15:44

He’ll send me to bed and do stuff like walk the dog (we don’t have children), sort out all meals and stuff and bring me the occasional cup of tea or lemsip or whatever, although he can just as easily forget until I have to get up to get myself something he’ll order me back to bed and insist he was ^honestly just that second about to^ bring me whatever it was. In general though he does show care and concern, as long as we all acknowledge that he’s probably coming down with it too and yes it is very hard for him.

DeadCertain · 03/02/2019 15:46

Leaves me alone (it is what I prefer). However if I am perhaps more injured than ill or even just running late / working and will struggle to cook a meal he always just says "Don't worry about me, I'll just snack". Drives me up the wall that it doesn't even occur to him that he could possibly do something for us both! Sorts himself out but no thought at all for me.

1moreRep · 03/02/2019 15:49

why do you need his help? don't ask just go for a lie down
do you do everything in the house? stop and just do your own stuff-
if you allow a behaviour you reinforce it

AnotherEmma · 03/02/2019 15:51

"I don't have young DC of my own, but I imagine my approach and attitude to my own illnesses wouldn't change if I did "

Sure, because being ill and having a child to look after is exactly the same as being ill and childless

Do people not have any empathy or imagination?!

Justabadwife · 03/02/2019 15:59

If I'm ever ill, DH is great. He sends me to bed, brings me drinks and paracetamol.
If I'm hungover it's the same situation, bed with drinks and toast.

He can make himself and dd food, he can wash work and school uniforms, And he can do shopping.
So if I'm bed bound they will survive without me.

Brazenhussy0 · 03/02/2019 16:02

AnotheEmma, and likewise, you seem to be assuming that because I don't have children that I don't have any other responsibilities I might have to suck it up and get on with when I'm ill...
What was that about lack of imagination?

The question was about how DPs help or don't help when you are ill. I answered how we deal with illnesses. I didn't realise only biological parents were welcome. (We do have DSDs to take care of so not entirely childless either.)

My first post said:
"The bottom line here I guess is that it depends on the illness and how incapacitated you are.
Got a bit of a cough, sniffle and a headache? Suck it up buttercup.
Physically can't walk yourself to the toilet or get in the shower? Yeah, he should be helping."

Having children or not having children doesn't change that in my view.

AnotherEmma · 03/02/2019 16:18

Unless your partner works at weekends and you are solely responsible for your stepchildren during that time (including when you're ill) then it's not the same.

I didn't say anything about biological parents. Obviously adoptive parents are responsible for their children. But I wouldn't expect a stepparent to be solely responsible for their stepchildren, or at least not often. I certainly wouldn't expect an ill stepparent to look after their stepchild(ren), not when their partner - the parent - could look after them.

You're right in that I can't imagine what responsibility is harder work than looking after a child - it depends on the age of the child, of course, but I'm thinking particularly of a young child, since I have one.

Most people in paid employment can take time off work when they are sick, obviously this isn't always possible for everyone and I can imagine doing paid work when very ill is also a big challenge.

What else though? Perhaps I am lacking in imagination. Do enlighten me.

ChodeofChodeHall · 03/02/2019 16:20

Tucks me under a blanket, brings me what I need and takes care of the kids. He is brilliant.

Happyandshiney · 03/02/2019 16:24

I was only really ill once when my two were very little and he was unfortunately away with work.

I couldn’t stand so my parents stepped into the breach.

Other times with colds etc I just carried on during the day and he took over when he came home.

These days if I’m ill then yes he just takes over whatever needs doing. He is also very good about bringing me tea, water, medication, food etc.(as are the kids).

He would certainly never be annoyed with me. Did your DH miss the bit in the wedding vows about “in sickness and in health?”

Brazenhussy0 · 03/02/2019 16:35

You're right in that I can't imagine what responsibility is harder work than looking after a child

Yikes. I’ll bow out now I think. Our world-views are very clearly poles apart! And no, I’m not giving you an in depth rundown of my life and responsibilities, if that’s alright with you?

My point was that people deal with illness differently. If the OP’s DP is like me and my DP, then he’s of the ‘suck it up’ mentality unless it’s something truly horrid or incapacitating.
On the other end of the spectrum, there are people who flop about like a dying fish because they have a stuffy nose (and then expect everyone to drop everything to tend to them.)

OP’s DP not taking time off work or serving her tea in bed when she has a cold should not be taken as a sign he doesn’t care about her.
The original post didn’t even mention children or childcare, or whether both of them work or one stays at home, so I’m not sure why you’re gunning for me here with this weird ‘parents have it worse’ vibe

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