Tips to stop me hating DH

[Mississippilessly]

Our son is 5 months and I hate my DH - completely irrationally.

We have always shared a bed but have been sleeping separately for the past 2 weeks as DS's sleep has gone to shit. DH leaving the bedroom was at my insistence as he needs sleep for work!
The bigger issue is that DS wont settle for him and is EBF, so u do the vast amount of care for him. Je doesn't nap in his crib during the day so I get v little downtime. DH baths him ever night and at weekends takes him as much as he can. But oh my goodness - he does everything wrong in my eyes and I honestly want to batter him. He puts a wash on but leaves important stuff out, cooks but doesn't wipe the shopping board etc down, buys the wrong things, suggests inadequate things for dinner etc. DS screamed this evening whilst DH was bathing him(I think he got shampoo in his eyes). I told DH I wished we'd never had children together. It was an awful thing to say. All these things he does are so minor but at the moment I find them and him so so grating. I feel like the mental.load of DS is just mine. I go to bed when he does and I'm so jealous of DH for having an evening.

We haven't had sex yet (we tried once but it hurt too kuch). I feel like it's a vicious circle and I'm becoming more and more 'me and DS'. DH says he knows he is just a supporting act at the moment and that's ok but he is trying.

I feel so bad tonight. Poor DH.
How can I learn to not want to kill him?! This isn't normal, I know.

Totally normal in my experience, but it will pass. You have a new baby, you're exhausted and you just don't have the physical or mental energy to deal with another person at the moment. It will get easier as you start to claw back chunks of time for yourself and your relationship. In the meantime try to remember that you do actually love your DH and if sex still hurts, get your gp to have a quick check to make sure everything is healing as it should.

Do you think you might have PND? Maybe speak to your HV.

Your DH is trying to help. I know it's difficult when you feel this way but try and bite your tongue and be pleased he IS helping - plenty of men don't.

He's doing his best and you're knackered. Give him a hug - your DH as well as your DS. He will do things slightly differently to you but that's okay. Your DS has two parents, he doesn't need them to do everything exactly the same way.

I think you need a rest. It would be good if you spoke honestly to your health visitor and G.P. too ASAP.

There is a point when behaviours become controlling and when what we say becomes verbally abusive.
Have a think about how far away you are from that point right now.
Your partner is trying. Try to see that.

I have 3 children - older teens now. And the 2 things that helped me the most with dh when down in the trenches like you are:

1. recognise that this is a very hard time. Babies are hard. My sister (a midwife) told me once that the first year after the baby is born is usually the worst year of your marriage. Take it easy and don't take it too seriously - it will pass.

1. Be kind to each other and presume the best - not the worst. To be honest, this concept of presuming the best probably created our marriage. Dh always did it - he would never had presumed the worst of me but I could see myself beginning to presume the worst of him and beginning to enjoy my grievence. I made a conscious decision to presume the best. I know it sounds odd but if he is an otherwise decent kind man who wants to do his best, then presuming that when he said "christ that's a bad one" he doesn't mean "you change that nappy" but simply "its a bad one and I'll change the nappy". Of course this does not apply to asshole selfish men. Kindness is the most underrated virtue in my opinion and in a marriage it can be transformative.

I asked my DH for a divorce when our first DD was around 4 weeks old. I was knackered and my hormones were all over the place. It was the start of PND unfortunately. Thankfully DH paid no attention to my request and we are still here 11 yrs later. You do need to see your GP asap.

How is she supposed to rest when her partner is not stepping up? Leaving stuff out of the wash is wasteful of time and resources. (Not to mention infuriating if you've only one of something and you really need it clean!)
Inadequate food is not on when she is bfing. I literally could not get enough calories down me when DC were that age. I lost four stones between 42 weeks of pregnancy (urgh-, I know!) and DS being five months old. I ended up at 7 stones, and was really struggling. Bfing mums need food and lots of it. And the going to bed at 8 so I could get even half a night's sleep made me feel murderous towards DH who got to Ponce around, eating, drinking tea, watching films, reading etc.
Mississippi- you need to talk to him. He probably doesn't even realise.

Abusive? Really? She said one thing to him. Unless she screamed it into his face while she said that, it's not really abusive is it? Maybe she said it in a tiny sad voice? We have no indication.

I don’t think it’s completely abnormal. Your mental load is completely consumed with your DS without having to think for another adult too. Sure I’ve read somewhere that having a baby is one of the most testing and stressful things to put your relationship through.

The irritability and anxiety sound just like how i felt and as others have said , it was PND and since I sought help things have improved. I sympathise as I too take the bulk of the load still with my 7 month old but it's a phase of their lives and it will pass (and then we'll miss it!)

I felt like this too. But we got through it.

You are not alone OP.

Can you get some more support in any way?

women's anger is diagnosed as depression.

Maybe it is. or maybe she is just angry for justifiable reasons - which would shift the focus from her to him and make it both of their responsibility to solve.

I know this will sound like shitty advice right now but if I were you I would work on day sleeps (assuming you need to hold bub for them to sleep), I was unable to put my daughter down for a nap until she was about 5 months old, slept fine at night but took me forever to actually get her to sleep in the cot without her getting upset when I put her down as she would always fall asleep during a feed then wake up in her cot unhappy with the changed situation.

The best tip I found was to put her down for a sleep/nap when she was ever so slightly awake, feeding to sleep then putting her down just did not work - she would always wake up screaming.

When she was about 4 months old I had had enough, I needed some time where I wasn't just either holding her while she slept (sometimes desperately hoping not to wet my pants as I couldn't move or she would wake) or looking after her. After I fed her I would gently wiggle her to rouse her ever so slightly as I carried her to the cot, as she was aware of where she was when she went to sleep she stopped waking up crying when she had woken and realised I wasn't holding her anymore.

I will admit it did not happen right away but within a month I could effortlessly feed, rouse slightly and get her to bed and the peace and quiet time made a huge difference to how I felt, suddenly I could do 'me things' and not just things for the baby and my husband which lead to lots of resentment, you may also find bub sleeps better at night with better day sleeps.

Also don't feel too bad, I felt exactly the same towards my husband when ours weren't sleeping, it's a hard time, there is a reason they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture, it's highly effective at scrambling our brains.

I can't sleep tonight.
I've seen 3 GPs. They all say I'm fine.
Devastated that I might be abusive

How lovely to say "you sound abusive" When in all reality you're sleep deprived,hormonal and at your wits end caring for a demanding baby! OP would you be able to offer mixed feeds of formula and breast feeding just to let you get some much needed rest? You are at your breaking point with sleep deprived and having an adult irritating you with "help" that causes more work is devastating!

I don't think you sound abusive, OP.

I think you sound like an exhausted mum of a 5mth old.

It's relentless and exhausting, but it DOES get easier. Hang in there.

It can difficult for working dads to know the routine/what needs to be done etc - whereas you're the one there, dong it all, so you just know iyswim. Be kind to yourself. Massive feelings of protection and love happen when you have a baby - these can replace the feelings you had for our DH. They should come back.

*Your DH.

I don't think we share a DH !

You're not abusive. Can guarantee that poster is a bloke.

You're not abusive, you're exhausted.
Sleep deprivation is a well known torture technique for a good reason! People crack, they behave irrationally and they can't think straight.

Also, your hormones are going nuts because of the baby - he's still very new! - and you're in overdrive to protect him so yes, any little thing that your DH does that you might consider to be even slightly off will be magnified hugely.

It's NOT that unusual and it does NOT make you abusive - but yes, you do need to let go of thinking that your way is the only way.

It's great that your DH baths your baby. Does he change him as well? Does he play with him?

At the moment you are seething with resentment because your DH is getting down time and you are not but this WILL change. And honestly, the sleep issue is a huge one.

you do NOT sound abusive! Don't even worry about that. I've had moments of wishing we hadn't had one of ours too. They pass, she's really a lovely child now, wouldn't give her up for anything.

It will probably pass as your baby grows into sleeping a bit but you can't wait for that to happen.

I'd really, really work on having your DH take care of the baby at least for a couple of hours, even 90min between feeds so you can swan about drinking tea with friends or something.

If it is challenging your marriage, is it worth not EBF any more? It's important and all that, but the importance is hard to measure, loads of us were never breast fed at all and turned out great, and frankly it seems much better for your DS to have a well-adjusted happy mother and some formula, as he will be starting other foods soon anyway, than being EBF but with you suffering so much and your relationship at risk. Then DH could take him for a Saturday or some extended period regularly, also your DH could take him at night sometimes. Would probably help hugely.

I agree with pp that kindness will help but so will communication - don't get shampoo in DS eyes, pretty basic parenting and it sounds like your DH is willing enough to get stuck in and will figure it out. Same for dinner - suggesting unsuitable food? reject suggestion, calmly explain reason, get different suggestion - again hopefully he will adjust. Doesn't sound like he's bad enough to hate him for, as he's trying, but these things aren't unreasonable to ask (put all the washing in, keep shampoo out of baby eyes etc)

I'm reading everything. Thank you
Still awake
3 hrs now

I'm trying to Express bit DS is up and down with a bottle. No formula as he has CMPA

hang in there. It's OK to need to come on mn and vent. I don't think that you are abusive. Ignore those pp that say that. They're just trying to bait you and others into getting defensive. Ignore them. I ebf and I know how exhausting it is to not get much needed me time. My dd refused a bottle and spat out dummies. She practically wanted to be attached to my boobies for feeding and comforting all the time. I found buying a baby carrier or baby sling really helpful. It gave me my arms back and I could do so much more for myself while she snuggled in and slept. Dealing with a husband who seems to be displaying incompetence for the simplest things is frustrating. I sometimes wonder if some people pretend they are incompetent to get out of doing things they don't like to do. Eg I hate washing the dishes so I will do them so badly that my partner will have to rewash them. Eventually partner will give up on expecting me to do this and always do it for me. Call his bluff and tell him he's doing a wonderful job. Then ask him do all the things he missed and then thank him.

I was in your shoes.

5 months is plenty of time for all the sleep deprivation and resentment to build up a head. And you will probably not have started weaning so the winding back of b/feeding and the longer sleeps which often come with solid food are not quite in sight.

I think of this stage as much the same as the point in childbirth where you can’t yet start pushing but literally cannot take any more - and it’s conpletely acceptable to tell husband you wish to push him off a cliff because he got you into this mess and is now standing around looking useless and doing nothing helpful.

It will pass.

You have run out of energy after 5months. Sleep deprivation does funny things to the brain.

I think sometimes it is helpful to say exactly what you would like help with. Micromanagement/bossy? Yes. But tbh a lot of husbands would prefer the sort of instruction that goes ‘Please cook some chicken, potatoes and salad for dinner, ready about 7, make sure you clean up once you’ve finished as I am too knackered to wash up a million pans...’ than ‘could you cook dinner?’ Then an angry earful when it’s inevitably wrong.

It might be helpful to talk to your hv. She can hopefully reassure you that a lot of sleep deprived mothers of young babies cannot stand the well-rested sight of their own spouse. And that it does not last forever. I think you sound sleep deprived and resentful rather than depressed as you clearly would love to be able to be more civil to your hubby who you realise is doing his best to help.

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