Tips to stop me hating DH

[Mississippilessly]

Our son is 5 months and I hate my DH - completely irrationally.

We have always shared a bed but have been sleeping separately for the past 2 weeks as DS's sleep has gone to shit. DH leaving the bedroom was at my insistence as he needs sleep for work!
The bigger issue is that DS wont settle for him and is EBF, so u do the vast amount of care for him. Je doesn't nap in his crib during the day so I get v little downtime. DH baths him ever night and at weekends takes him as much as he can. But oh my goodness - he does everything wrong in my eyes and I honestly want to batter him. He puts a wash on but leaves important stuff out, cooks but doesn't wipe the shopping board etc down, buys the wrong things, suggests inadequate things for dinner etc. DS screamed this evening whilst DH was bathing him(I think he got shampoo in his eyes). I told DH I wished we'd never had children together. It was an awful thing to say. All these things he does are so minor but at the moment I find them and him so so grating. I feel like the mental.load of DS is just mine. I go to bed when he does and I'm so jealous of DH for having an evening.

We haven't had sex yet (we tried once but it hurt too kuch). I feel like it's a vicious circle and I'm becoming more and more 'me and DS'. DH says he knows he is just a supporting act at the moment and that's ok but he is trying.

I feel so bad tonight. Poor DH.
How can I learn to not want to kill him?! This isn't normal, I know.

He says he doesn't need changing immediately. I think he does. This makes me more anxious.

Oh I hated my DH so so much! It was completely irrational. All fine 5 years later and didn't get same feelings after baby no 2. You are not abusive at all! It's just hard

Would your dh be happy sat around in his own shit?

That's what I say.

Honestly, adjusting to new baby is the biggest thing marriages go through. I'm all for cutting one another a bit of slack / just doing the min9mum 're food and housewor to get through the tiredness etc.

But there are basics that your baby needs. Food (which only you can do, so food for you!), Warmth, Love, clean nappies.

Your dh needs to step up on the above.

Thanks.
In so many ways he tries really hard. I've gone dairy gree and he has stacked the cupboard full of stuff for me to eat.he makes me a sandwich for lunch when he can.

Normal in my experience.

-Not sleeping enough
-Being mostly responsible for baby despite DP good intentions
-Having no life

All this made me very resentful and DP probably got the brunt of it. I wasnt "abusive" just unhappy and frustrated at lack of support/nobody really being able to help.

Things improved as DS got older. I think going back to work part time also helped me feel more like me.

OP, hope you managed to get some sleep! Part of the problem is I expect before you had the baby you did everything, like clearing up properly, washing on, etc etc. Then something happens, could be illness, and the man as not been 'trained up' properly. We make rods for our own back! As you say he's not doing it deliberately, and a pp said at least he's trying. So, try together to tackle the immediate problem of you getting enough sleep, and try to train him up, get him to do those essentials fairly often, to avoid this in the future. Read most of the thread but can't recall if you got anyone else who can help?

It isn’t irrational. It’s perfectly normal to hate the other person when they’re enjoying life and sleeping and you’re exhausted and doing all the work. EBF is really hard because you end up doing most of the childcare. Even if someone else is willing to help, they can’t.

What worked for me is a bedtime routine. DH changes the baby, puts his pyjamas on and reads him a story in the bedroom with the nightlight on. Then I go in and give him a feed. Then hand him back to DH, play Ewan the Dream Sheep (which the baby has eventually come to associate with bedtime) and he’ll go to sleep in DH’s arms holding the sheep. DH looks after him until 11.30 so I can have the evening free, then I take him back so DH can go to bed.

We still have no time together. And it took months to reach this point where I can reliably have 3hrs free without having to pop back and bf the baby to sleep again. But at least I get a bit of a break and I’m less resentful of DH.

Sleep deprivation is just appalling. I could have written your post OP. I used to try every morning to get through the day without a row and would be lucky to go two hours without snapping at dh! It was rough. But he wasn’t perfect, or efficient or very good with the babies but he was trying. It sounds to me like your dh is too.

Mine prioritised me over the dc too which made me feel like I couldn’t trust his judgement! But I think it’s a bit like the oxygen masks on aeroplanes where they tell you to put your own mask on first and then attend to the dc. I think mums naturally prioritise small babies and I think it’s not uncommon for dads to prioritise the adults so that the children’s needs will be met
It’s ok to have different approaches.

In practical terms could you delegate chunks of household responsibility to him? Maybe get him to write out a meal plan for the week and do the shopping and cooking. If he is responsible for the whole thing then mistakes like not buying enough of X or running out of Y will affect him and he’ll learn to do it right. He could make you a packed lunch of soup or sandwiches before leaving for work. Make sure that the meal plan accommodates your calorific requirements and the need for convenient snacks. In my experience my dh was much better at taking on a “project” like this than filling in on jobs here and there.

Just to clear on a couple of points:
Don’t confuse maternity leave with being a sahm. I’m a sahm and I still expected maternity leave, ie that dh would step up to the household responsibilities when the needs of the babies and my sleep had to take priority.

Don’t underestimate the enormous workload of ebf. It’s the hardest of both worlds, twice the workload. It broke me and I think you are phenomenal to manage it for 5 months. Don’t compare yourself to mums who bf’d or ff’d and are coping beautifully or acting as if and if it’s the thing that has to go for your family to work better don’t feel guilty, or at least know that one day well-rested you will look back and know you did ok!

One more thing: ds wouldn’t settle for dh and I felt his crying like a physical pain so I couldn’t sleep and I’d get up and settle him.

They have to get used to each other. But nighttime isn’t the best for this. Could you head out on a Saturday/Sunday afternoon and leave him to it? Head to a friend’s or neighbor’s for a nap and leave your phone with them so your dh has to go through them to get you. The first time will be a disaster but persevere and they’ll both get used to each other.

introvertedmum thanks so much. I have given him food shopping as his job (we already have a cleaner which helps hugely). The fridge is full of lovely stuff and we have come up with a weekly meal plan together which gives us a bit of structure to life.

Weirdly DS will settle for DH in the day. He feeds on waking and DH will often take him after the feed, play with him then get him to sleep on the sling. DH bathes him and it all sweetness and light and then the moment he gets out the bath he is like 'where the hell is mum?!'

No one has ever called me phenomenal before. You made me cry (in a good way!)

DH has been eyeing up a jacket for a while. I have ordered it and have got a thank you card. I'm going to write as many things that he does as I can think of so he doesn't feel like I'm constantly negative.

That's a nice thing to do for him OP, I'm sure he'll appreciate it 🙂

What I would say, is if he hasn't realised something needs doing, ASK (not tell!) him. None of us are mind readers - and I made the mistake of expecting my DH to know what I wanted/needed.

Communication is key here, keep talking!

It is SO bloody hard at first!!! Hang in there. Even though you might hate him try and give him a hug every now and then. Sounds daft but so easy to forget to be affectionate with your oh in the newborn days and if can make a world of difference. You are on the same team!

GP will not give you a thing for sleep. So don’t even bother going.

Your DH sounds kind and is trying.

You sound very highly strung (understandable) and also a bit nasty to him (not understandable)

It's just so tiring. He's in from.work. baby on playmate, us eating dinner. Baby gets upset. Dh just sits there. So I tend to him. DH then just sits there with him watching TV. He hadn't seen him all day. So i have to for the millionth time say 'maybe interact with him a bit?'
I cant fucking parent two people

It sounds like he needs a kick up his arse to be honest. We’ve got a 5 year old, a 3 year old and a 3 week old. DH came home from work, cleaned the kitchen, made dinner then looked after the baby while I put the older DC to bed. He’s now bathing the baby while I sit down in peace for 10 mins before the evening cluster feeding session starts.
He needs to step up.

He’s 5 months. End of the day. He’s probably up for chilling out snuggled up his dad rather than being “interacted” with

Baby gets up and your DH doesn’t move so you get up.

What happens if you say - “your turn!”

Tell him straight that the best way to take care of you is for him to do everything baby when he gets home. Tell him you need to switch off your baby radar for a while to recharge.

I disagree about the poo nappy incident. I mean, I am like you, I'd prefer to do it right away but there is nothing seriously wrong with finishing eating first. So long as he did the change afterwards including dealing with any leakages and bits that have got stuck in crevices. Pick your battles.

He probably would have got him up. It's just so tiring.
To be fair since he has been in he got takeaway (at my request), bathed and changed DS and sorted his reflux meds.

I dont even know anymore. Im

The shampoo in eyes thing? We all get it wrong sometimes. He has had less practice. You made your mistakes mostly without anybody knowing. He has you hovering. You've got to let him make his own mistakes and learn his way of doing things (which might not be like yours).

You need sleep and a good laugh with your mates. When was the last time you went out and laughed yourself silly?

Before DS was born.

Have you tried to tie the baby to your dh?

Get a proper carrier (beck etc.) then tie baby to dh and tell him to go out. Baby will be happy, & if it shits I guarantee your dh will change him.