Tips to stop me hating DH

[Mississippilessly]

Our son is 5 months and I hate my DH - completely irrationally.

We have always shared a bed but have been sleeping separately for the past 2 weeks as DS's sleep has gone to shit. DH leaving the bedroom was at my insistence as he needs sleep for work!
The bigger issue is that DS wont settle for him and is EBF, so u do the vast amount of care for him. Je doesn't nap in his crib during the day so I get v little downtime. DH baths him ever night and at weekends takes him as much as he can. But oh my goodness - he does everything wrong in my eyes and I honestly want to batter him. He puts a wash on but leaves important stuff out, cooks but doesn't wipe the shopping board etc down, buys the wrong things, suggests inadequate things for dinner etc. DS screamed this evening whilst DH was bathing him(I think he got shampoo in his eyes). I told DH I wished we'd never had children together. It was an awful thing to say. All these things he does are so minor but at the moment I find them and him so so grating. I feel like the mental.load of DS is just mine. I go to bed when he does and I'm so jealous of DH for having an evening.

We haven't had sex yet (we tried once but it hurt too kuch). I feel like it's a vicious circle and I'm becoming more and more 'me and DS'. DH says he knows he is just a supporting act at the moment and that's ok but he is trying.

I feel so bad tonight. Poor DH.
How can I learn to not want to kill him?! This isn't normal, I know.

Like the pp I was also once in your shoes. I remember one night when dh was meant to let me have a few rare hours of sleep and he woke me because dc wouldn't stop crying. I was so full of rage towards him that I couldn't wake him later in the night for fear of what I would say to him.
10 years later we are doing fine, it passes but be clear about what you need to survive.
You will get there.

He def isnt doing things wrong on purpose - not his style. He just doesn't think and I resent that because I do nothing but bloody think. I think he prob is DH prioritises me and I prioritise DS. So today for example we were at a friends for lunch. DS fed whilst I ate and then filled his nappy. I would change it immediately. DH - trying to get me some relax time - tried to encourage me to leave it til I had eaten.
I'm going back to my GP tomorrow and stomping my foot. There must be something they can give me to help me sleep surely?

I can relate so much, ds sleep has crashed from five months (no idea why) and at seven months it's still bad and I'm on my knees again. Dp tries but it grates that he can't do things quickly and promptly. I cried at him for not washing up even though he'd done most of the other housework - but baby had a bad day and night so that was just sleep deprivation
Have you asked DH to go out with baby maybe on a Sunday morning after the feed? He could walk to park etc etc and you could sleep in for 2-3 hours. Little things like that really really help as any sleep

Sorry to hear you aren't sleeping either!
Yes he takes him for walks which is really helpful.

It's all just shit when they're that age. Just try to remember that it's shit for your DH too. Mine did nothing for months, just went out more with his friends! So I would say be grateful for what he does do but I know that won't help you. In hindsight we both suffered from PND in a way. Parenthood hits you like a ton of bricks and u just have to struggle through. It does get better.

You’re not abusive, you’re exhausted. Sleep deprivation is hideous. And you’ve had 5 months of it. I’m only 3 weeks in and already feel a bit murderous towards DH (who is truly fab and does as much as he can but gets actual down time!). I think you should go back to your GP. If they tell you you’re fine, tell them you’re not!

I think of this stage as much the same as the point in childbirth where you can’t yet start pushing but literally cannot take any more - and it’s conpletely acceptable to tell husband you wish to push him off a cliff because he got you into this mess and is now standing around looking useless and doing nothing helpful.

It will pass.

You have run out of energy after 5months. Sleep deprivation does funny things to the brain.

I think sometimes it is helpful to say exactly what you would like help with. Micromanagement/bossy? Yes. But tbh a lot of husbands would prefer the sort of instruction that goes ‘Please cook some chicken, potatoes and salad for dinner, ready about 7, make sure you clean up once you’ve finished as I am too knackered to wash up a million pans...’ than ‘could you cook dinner?’ Then an angry earful when it’s inevitably wrong.*

Excellent advice.
This a million times over.

7 months ago I could have written this exact post, Google - is it normal to hat your husband when you have a newborn - there are hundred of posts 🤣 Abusive - no! A new mum - yes! PND - no! Your life has been completely uphauled yet your DH can continue on as normal. It’s a huge adjustment for everyone but relentless as a EBF mother. Men are a different kettle of fish - no matter how helpful and loving they are. And generally as women we have a particular way we like things done but being tired and with baby all the time makes small things appear worse. Talk to your DH and just be honest about how you are feeling, and don’t be so hard on yourself - this new mum life is nothing like expected. Your DH likely feels a little useless and is trying his best but it won’t seem enough - perfectly normal. Just keep communicat with him, rant about him to other mums - they will be going through the exact same thing. If you want to continue EBF do so, it’s hard but it’s not forever. During the day while he is at work, hang out with non new mum friends, if possible they are always happy to hold a baby and it also means you are likely to talk about things other than how baby ests, sleeps etc. Go for walks, fresh air and a little exercise clears the head. Keep doing what you are doing, you are doing a cracking job and it does get better And cuddles with DH are a nice way to maintain intimacy until you feel comfortable with sex.

I asked oh for a divorce at about that stage....
I also wound up micro managing him - we had a board on the wall with the various dinners written up so he knew what to cook when.
We also sorted out the nights so he was ‘on duty’ from 9pm til 2 and then I did from 2am. I would go to bed at 9 and sleep as much as I could.
Dd was bottle fed (there is formula for CMPI babies, ask your gp) so that made the night easier. Oh also had certain set ‘jobs’ that he just did - like emptying the bins, and hoovering up.
I also had to accept that he would do certain tasks with Dd differently from me - and provided he wasn’t actually putting her in danger, I had to accept that different didn’t equal wrong. It took a while though. I had PND and was convinced that DD was going to die, so it took a lot to get me to relax enough to start to not want to throttle oh when he did something different

Irritability is a sign of PND, also the sleep deprivation is having a serious effect on you. Just remember that he's a parent as much as you are and entitled to do things in his own way and make the mistakes that come with them.

No advice op, but wanted to show solidarity. I have five month old twins and feel exactly the same as you Only in my case my DH never takes them to let me sleep on days off, walks them in pram etc.

It sounds like your partner is well intentioned but it’s still hard not to lose it when you’re so sleep deprived. Definitely go back to your GP and see if they can help.

Hope things get better for you soon.

I love this.

Man generally cocks things up, and shows little ability take on any of the mental load (despite ‘good intentions ‘), and the solution is.....woman must be suffering depression!!

What nonsense.

Not read everyone's answers but the one thing I would take from your thread is your five month old's inability to sleep in his cot during the day.

I know you need strength to tackle this but I would have it as my one thing to tackle. At this age he could still be having a quick nap after breakfast and then an hour and a half after lunch. At six months it may just be the lunchtime nap but that is a life saver. Over an hour to just not have to look after him! Bliss.

Concentrate on that for now. Then you may have less irritability and also be able to speak more calmly to your dh about his actions.

Baby is exclusively breastfed, won’t nap alone in day or sleep alone at night

Husband baths, cooks, cleans up, washes clothes and takes baby out as much as possible

O.P say she wants to batter her husband and wants to kill him. Has asked him to leave marital bedroom and has told him she wishes she never had a child with him. She find fault in everything he does with the baby and for her. She also, though exhausted isn’t sleeping.
OP breastfeeds baby and resents husband, who is unable to do so, having free time when she goes to bed with the baby

She has no issues going on here - sure mumsnet
She alone carries the mental load - sure mumsnet

Behaviours can and do become abusive. It is important to highlight that to help the OP toward help.
Pretending her behaviour is fine won’t help.
She is an equal parent to her husband - her behaviours aren’t encouraging this notion
She needs help to appreciate how he helps, how she is shutting him out and down. She needs to discover that there should be flexibility and she and her family would benefit from her learning and using that
She has a lack of proportion possibly due to lack of sleep - potentially due to PND

Plenty of people become hyper critical and controlling when they feel they are free wheeling out of control. It is okay to implore her to get help. Medication might be the answer but counselling might help her more.

@chamomileteaplease

It’s not always that easy to get babies to nap though. My twins won’t nap during the day no matter what I do. I’m not sure telling op what her baby “should” be doing will help her feel better?

Obviously none of us know the exact situation just what is written here. However you sound exactly like I was at that stage with DS1. My DH just didn’t understand - he’s doing things to help, just not doing them exactly the way you would do them and it’s frustrating because your day revolves entirely around your baby and these minor things become massive once you factor in sleep deprivation.

Whether it is ‘normal’ or not is a bit of a red herring. Many people will have been the same and many won’t, it depends on your personality, your relationship and your baby. EBF makes a difference too as you are tied to your baby more, as well as how well your baby sleeps.

I didn’t seek help as I didn’t feel I was depressed. Once the fug had lifted I learnt about post natal anxiety which I felt was exactly what I had. Next time around I got treatment which helped, I wish I’d sought it first time around.

Meant to say it would be worth looking at either expressing so DH can give a bottle or giving some formula for the same reason. Get out of the house while he does it so you’re getting that mental break.

Nowhere does OP say how often stuff ‘goes wrong’ in her eyes to be able to judge if this is strategic incompetence or not. Maybe the DH here is also exhausted?

Missing things out of the washing - don’t sweat it, there will always be another load.

Define ‘inadequate’ meals - not enough can be topped up with fruit, toast, anything quick and easy. Not balanced is not a problem as it all balances over the week. Not what OP wants, they are both entitled to have different preferences, OP should just suggest what would work for her.

Washing up - we work on one cooks, the other cleans up.

Shampoo in eyes - accidents happen.

People do things different ways. I don’t always like how my DH parents, but have learned to stop trying to manage every detail. His opinion is just as valid as mine.

Honestly, this just sounds like an exhausted couple who are muddling through the toughest months of adjusting to being parents.

DS fed whilst I ate and then filled his nappy. I would change it immediately. DH - trying to get me some relax time - tried to encourage me to leave it til I had eaten

Why on earth didn't he just take him and change him?

Because he wanted to finish his lunch

Does your DH respond to lists? Every morning I used to write on a white board stuck to the fridge what needed doing that day.... put washing on, hoover living room, homework, empty bin etc. And we'd both work through it..... I did the bulk as he was working but together it made sure that the bare bones got done to keep us both sane.

I have to be very black and white with DH otherwise he goes off on a tangent and empties a cupboard thinking that's being helpful and asks 100 questions what do I do with this .

Exactly Tulips!!!

Instead, op is made to feel like she is fussing for wanting to get the baby’s nappy changed.

Next thing....’oh she can’t rest at all....she must be depressed’

I was just about to say what TulipsInbloom1, said.

So once you're not sleep deprived, your going to be happy with still carrying the mental load?

I have a DD with LDs, her and her school peers sound more capable than the Men on here.

In fact many Adults with LDs become pot washers etc, so quite capable of cleaning a kitchen adequately.

It's tough being in charge of everything when you have a baby relying on you. That's what you are experiencing.

Posters are advising you to hang on in, until you don't have a baby because you can go back to managing everything. Bollocks to that.

Go to your GP, get checked out for PND.

Then have serious words with your DH about him needing to start to behave like an Adult.

At the 5/6/7 month stage our household mantra was 'this will pass'
Ten years on, I'm pretty full of good memories but your OP dug up the ones I've suppressed.
Be kind to yourself, your doing a fantastic job, from pregnant to birth to today what an incredible achievement. I always think far longer & tougher than any fancy sporting or running event but without the medal.

As we used to say here when all this was fields sending unmumsnetty hugs to you

"Because he wanted to finish his lunch",

Well sometimes you don't get to, when you have children and that can go on until they are fully toilet trained.

He really hasn't got what being an Adult and Father means, has he?

Perhaps set it out like a job description and if he can't do it, he rethinks things.

Do all these Men hold down jobs, drive and look after a car and manage friendships?