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Original poster

Leaving your newborn

104 replies

Shaddow2016 · 29/01/2019 21:35

I am due to give birth on 23rd February and we have a 3 day weekend booked abroad for my husband's 40th birthday just the two of us when the baby would be approx 11 weeks old. My parents would be looking after baby but I'm just not sure how I'll feel leaving. I know they will be well looked after and I happen to think it's good them getting used to others but I'm worried when it comes to it I won't be able to leave. Has anyone else left their child for periods of time when they are that young. Thank you!

OP posts:
SherlockSays · 31/01/2019 08:10

I left DD at 6 weeks with MIL have done every couple of weeks since, however, I stay until bedtime most of the time and I'm straight around the next morning - MIL just deals with the night feeds. I couldn't leave her for a full weekend even now and she's 6 months old.

MIL is also a 2 minute walk away.

You really won't know until baby is here but I'd prepare yourself to be changing plans. Can't baby go with you?

TeddyIsaHe · 31/01/2019 08:12

Not a chance in hell at 11 weeks (or 9 if they’re late). Read up on the 4th trimester and see why it’s not a good idea!

Not judging anyone for doing it, but I absolutely could not have been away from dd at that young. Now she’s 2 it’s much easier, and I enjoy the break! But not a newborn.

SherlockSays · 31/01/2019 08:13

Just seen it's abroad. Absolute no from me.

What if baby is inconsolable? You can't just drive back.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
blueskiesandforests · 31/01/2019 08:19

If you are breastfeeding your breasts will hurt and leak if you go cold turkey at 11 weeks, you'll risk mastitis und either your supply will dry up or you'll have to pump and chuck every 3 hours.

The only thing that would have separated me from any of my babies overnight at 11 weeks would have been an unavoidable life and death type situation, it's far too early. I'd have felt as if I was chopping off a limb.

There are undoubtedly people who do it but it's utterly unnecessary if it's just for "fun" and the odds are sky high you won't enjoy it and your DH will be hurt by that as much as by the trip being postponed. Does he even want to dump his baby at 11 weeks?

Worriedmummybekind · 31/01/2019 08:25

I don’t think any of the mums I’ve known would have been willing tonpart gor three days from their newborn. Obviously we are all different but it’s quite a long time. I’ve left my baby overnight at 7/8 months but just for one night and that was fairly unusual for my group of friends.
I think the things to consider are

  • feeding, if bf they will still be at the cluster stage
  • your health. Lots of women are still recovering from childbirth at this point
  • your emotions
  • last but not least how will your baby feel about it

To be really honest, I just can’t imagine it at all. But don’t want to be judgemental.

tenbob · 31/01/2019 08:31

EwIts
If you have even the first clue about scientific research, you would know that no studies exist because it was be seriously unethical to even attempt to study it

But lack of research papers doesn’t mean it isn’t true

BrightStarrySky · 31/01/2019 08:34

It would be a no for me. Your baby will miss you- your smells, your sound, the way you breathe, the way you move.

EwItsAHooman · 31/01/2019 09:34

If you have even the first clue about scientific research, you would know that no studies exist because it was be seriously unethical to even attempt to study it

But lack of research papers doesn’t mean it isn’t true

That's nice that you think that. Science says it's bullshit but still.... bless your heart.

Where the child has a strong attachment to their primary caregivers (e.g., mum and dad) and is left with a carer with whom they also have a strong attachment (e.g., grandma), a temporary seperating (e.g., three days) typically has no long-term adverse effects on neurodevelopment.

Batteriesallgone · 31/01/2019 09:40

You’ll get such a range of answers OP.

With my first, I had a post birth heamorrage (still can’t spell that word!) and secondary haemorrhage about a month after. At 11 weeks I was still bleeding fairly heavily and in absolutely no fit state to travel.

My baby was incredibly high needs, only slept an hour at a time, exclusively breastfed. I wouldn’t have left him.

But that’s just my experience, I know some people have straightforward births and easy babies.

I think what you have to weight up is the likelihood of having both a fairly straightforward birth and recovery and having an easy baby. In my experience from the people I know, the chances aren’t great.

Batteriesallgone · 31/01/2019 09:43

Is 11 weeks long enough to build a strong attachment to a non resident family member?

Resident yes obviously it is. But how often does a grandparent need to visit in order to develop the attachment?

We see my MIL once a week for around 4/5 hours, and I would say the attachment was ‘strong’ at around 6m. Before then she was just sort of...tangential I think.

tenbob · 31/01/2019 10:01

That's nice that you think that. Science says it's bullshit but still.... bless your heart.

When you're trying to be desperately patronising, it would really help your case to not highlight your total lack of knowledge of fairly basic science in the process. Bless your braincell heart

Science doesn't say it is bullshit. Science can't take a view because to do the experiment would be so unethical as to render the study worthless.

But if a paper doesn't exist on a topic, it doesn't mean you win by default. Bless your little heart xx

Anon10 · 31/01/2019 10:03

Actually there is a significant amount of scientific evidence that says separation from the mother at that age can cause attachment problems, whether you are aware of them is another matter. They may manifest in their relationships with others when they become an adult.
I have no idea why this would even be a question, I don’t know one mother who would be able to do this. 3 days abroad at 11weeks!? And most of my friends went back to work full time at 6 months and we’re non-attachment parents who did controlled crying / cry it out, left them for one night etc.
Neither me nor my husband left our first overnight until we went into hospital to have our second when he was 2. I personally am an attachment parent with both of mine, but that’s because I have read the research and have many friends who are child psychologists and psychiatrists.
I’m not overly precious about my children, went back to work 4 days a week etc both times etc. But to me, this would be a definite no. And why would you want to anyway!?

Anon10 · 31/01/2019 10:06

There is a considerable amount of evidence actually. No, there are not randomised controlled trials, but there is still a massive body of evidence from observational data, epidemiological data and cohort data.
This is the case in many areas of scientific research such as obstetrics and paediatrics... it doesn’t mean there is no evidence, just no RCTs.

asilikeit · 31/01/2019 10:06

For everyone who says that there is noway that they could do this there will be another mum screaming hell yes! I personally have done it with both babies- we have gone away for 3/4 nights when they were both 4 months . Left with grandparents who we trust implicitly and know that would not be an issue whatsoever. I struggled through the newborn stage, I NEEDED sleep and a break , time to be me and time with husband. It doesn't make you a bad mother , looking after you is important. Equally I understand that some women won't/ couldn't but that's not me so 🤷🏼‍♀️

asilikeit · 31/01/2019 10:10

Oh and according to my 2 I'm the best mummy in the world 😆

EwItsAHooman · 31/01/2019 11:03

When you're trying to be desperately patronising

Do you mean like when you were trying to be desperately judgemental about women parents who leave their children?

Three days won't do any harm if the OP wants to go on the trip.

FortheloveofJames · 31/01/2019 12:00

I didn’t leave DS overnight untill he was 13 months. He was EBF, refused all bottles and still had a night feed untill 11 months when he started sleeping through. Personally for me I just didn’t feel comfortable till then. But that’s only me and everyone is different. I don’t think there’s any right or wrong answer to this question.

However, it really will depend on how you feel when babies here, you say you’ll be okay but you really won’t know that untill baby comes. There could be so many variables. What if you have a more difficult labour and your recovery takes longer. What if you have a section and just don’t feel up to travel so soon after? What is baby is more unsettled in the newborn phase, or is unwell in anway? If you plan to breastfeed it will be difficult to go away for that amount of time, it could spell the end of the journey and baby might not latch back on at that age after such a gap. Also, if you plan to continue feeding youd need to pump every 3 hours the whole holiday, or going cold turkey can be really uncomfortable and you could risk mastitis.

It’s a decision only you can make, but I wouldn’t worry about making it untill baby is here and you know how you feel

MeetOnTheledge · 31/01/2019 12:31

I don't think you can tell how you will feel till the baby is born to be honest. I thought I would have no problem leaving mine, they were going to go to nursery, I was going to go back to work, I had a very busy social life which was going to carry on at least to some extent. Then baby came along, I remember feeling really tearful when a friend gave my a homemade babysitting voucher and thinking she was mad, how could I possibly go out for the night leaving my baby behind. I didn't leave him for more than an hour or two for the first few months and not overnight till he was nearly two. Nothing on earth would have made me go on even a short holiday at 11 weeks. Lots of people are happy to though and that's fine too, it's just hard to tell which you will be in advance.

durdledoo · 31/01/2019 13:04

I naively booked tickets for a weekend festival for my husbands birthday whilst I was pregnant, utterly convinced that baby number 2 would be the same as baby number 1 and be totally fine being left by 6months old.
She wasn't. She didn't sleep well in the night but was a very hoot baby during the day.
We went anyway and yes I was nervous but my best friend/cousin/childminder took her at mine.
She survived and I eventually relaxed when I realised she was.
For me, doing was a good thing but every baby is different and you need to do what's best for you all :)

Batteriesallgone · 31/01/2019 13:13

For everyone who says that there is noway that they could do this there will be another mum screaming hell yes!

I’m not convinced it’s true that it’s 50/50. Once you take out mothers with physical difficulties, babies with difficulties, babies who won’t take a bottle, all the other reasons for not doing it...I dunno. Based on me and my family and friends I’d say maybe a 20% chance or less of the stars aligning and a trip like this being straightforward.

seven201 · 31/01/2019 13:16

I wouldn't have wanted to leave dd at that age. I think she was a year before I stayed away a night and she was with dh. A few months later we went for a night away without her. This makes me sound really soft but she's 2 1/2 years now and I wouldn't want to leave her for more than a night as I'd miss her!

You won't know how you'll feel until nearer the time. Don't feel guilty whatever you decide though!

blueskiesandforests · 31/01/2019 13:18

Batteriesallgone I agree. If anyone could be bothered they could do a count of posters (not posts) and see what % on the thread say it's fine, go for it and what % say no way would they have done it.

I suspect even 80/20 is unlikely. There are people who would and do voluntarily leave their 2 month old babies to go on a 3 day weekend holiday without them, but I doubt it's even as many as 1 in 10, perhaps not even 1 in 20.

Findingthingstough18 · 31/01/2019 13:26

To be fair, though, I suspect a lot of the people who wouldn't it's because they don't think they have someone who could look after them - and OP does. I wouldn't have wanted to do it, but it would have been out of the question anyway - both my DPs and DPILs are really involved, doting grandsparents (who will be doing day-time childcare when I go back to work) but they're in their 60s and I know they couldn't handle three nights of very, very broken sleep (which is what it would have been when DS was 11 weeks) and I would never have contemplated it.

Batteriesallgone · 31/01/2019 14:00

Well yes that’s true. My friends who are doting grandparents and look after their grandkids two days a week had them overnight when eldest was 3 and youngest was 9m.

9m old was teething and was not happy about the arrangement. Screamed A LOT, and then would only settle if being walked around by one of them.

They did shifts up until around 3am but then were both so knackered walking her around they didn’t feel safe to continue so left her to cry.

I think they were both quite crushed by the experience and said they wouldn’t do overnights again with a child too young to talk.

Obviously everyone is different and I know doting grandparents who do overnights from day one do exist. But generally it’s not easy, as much as people shrug off the work involved. Baby care is hard.

LePetitPont · 31/01/2019 14:01

Another seconding of the “you won’t know til the baby gets here” perspective.

  1. how you feel about being apart from your baby for 3 nights
  2. what kind of baby you get.

If your baby is a fabulous sleeper, likes being put down in a cot, bottle fed etc you’d likely be able to get away.

If your baby is breastfed, frequently wakes at night, needs to nap on someone, likes to be held by their primary carer... not so much. Worth having a read up on the 4th trimester.

I left DS1 when he had just turned 2 on two separate nights in preparation for having DS2 and had a home birth anyway and have never left DS2 who is two in March. I also feel anxious about leaving the little one with daddy, going on a hen do in April. The idea of leaving them both with a grandparent also makes me very panicky! There’s no rush. dH and I do lots of lunch days whilst they are at nursery or popping out once they are bed but before they are likely to wake back up again.