Leaving your newborn

[Shaddow2016]

I am due to give birth on 23rd February and we have a 3 day weekend booked abroad for my husband's 40th birthday just the two of us when the baby would be approx 11 weeks old. My parents would be looking after baby but I'm just not sure how I'll feel leaving. I know they will be well looked after and I happen to think it's good them getting used to others but I'm worried when it comes to it I won't be able to leave. Has anyone else left their child for periods of time when they are that young. Thank you!

My bub is 16 months and he hasn’t never been away from me overnight (and very rarely in the day if I’m honest!)

However, even if I wanted to at that age I wouldn’t have been able to. He was breastfed, I could not pump (apparently my body wouldn’t allow it after many attempts!) and what little I did manage to get into a bottle he wouldn’t take. He also had awful colic and up to three months would only sleep on someone and refused to be put down.

If you have a perfect angelic, quiet, formula fed baby who sleeps through the night very early... maybe, but 3 nights would still be a long time and if something does happen it would not be easy to get back. If you do not have a child who meets all the above criteria then I would say it’s not a good idea!

*has never

You just won't know until the baby's here really.

To be honest, I think 3 nights is a long time to leave your 11-week-old baby. Overnight, perhaps. It depends on the baby. I had an easy baby really, had to leave him overnight for 6 weeks whilst he was in the hospital, but that's very different. You just don't know where you will be then. The baby might come late, and will be 9 weeks. If you have a CS, you might just about be recovered. There might be complications, you might have a baby who doesn't want to be picked up by anyone but you, you might have a baby who sleeps through from day dot. You just don't know.

Hard to really decide until baby is here!
I personally have very tightly laced apron strings My eldest is 3, youngest is 2 and I only just left them for the weekend a couple of weeks ago, for the first time ever!
My sister on the other hand, left my nephew overnight with my parents when he was a few weeks old.
Very personal thing, and you don’t really know how you’ll feel about it until the time comes.

Nope, I couldn't do it. Ds was ebf so it couldn't be done practically. I had 24 hours away just before he was one and missed him so much. My boobs were like boulders, and I didn't do it again until many months later. You may feel differently with your baby, but there's no way I could've, nor wanted to leave ds for 3 days at 11 weeks.

My DS is 12 weeks. I personally would not want to go away for 3 days, that's a very long time for them at any age never mind this young. I would feel sorry for my DS missing me and even more sorry for my parents as I don't think it would be fair on them. One night would be ok even if the child screamed (which is likely if you are all they know) but not 3.

Sorry it's not helpful but my honest answer. Wish you good luck though, you never know you might be lucky and have an excellent sleeper who doesn't mind your parents. If they spend loads of time with DC from when he's born by the time you go it might be ok, who knows

11 weeks is probably too early imo.
My dd is 15 months and i still haven't left her overnight with anyone as I'm not comfortable doing so but not everyone feels the same

I couldn’t have done this with either of mine, I didn’t even want to leave them for a few hours at that age. Some feel differently but you won’t know until your baby is here. If you decide you don’t want to leave them then can you just take them with you? Also if you are breastfeeding it probably won’t be worth the hassle with all the expressing you’ll have to do! But even if you aren’t you just might not want to be apart. I left mine for one night at 12 months old and I was ok with that but missed them and very ready to go home to them the next day!

I’d have cheerfully left mine if I’d had a reliable grandparent to leave them with.

Just realised the trip is abroad as well - mine are 4 and 2 and I couldn’t go abroad without them for 3 nights even now! It would just feel all wrong and fill me with anxiety, the thought of being that far away from them. I didn’t think I would feel like that before I had kids but I do! Personally I would apply for a passport as soon as they are born and see about adding them on to the flight. If it comes to it and you’re ok leaving them then you can, but at least you’ll have the option. I have many friends who’ve ended up cancelling trips / nights out they thought they’d be happy to go on when their baby was a few months old but when it came to it they weren’t.

Before DC1was born, I could have written Thesnobbymiddleclassone's post

When he arrived, not a chance would I have left him for more than a few hours at that age

I'm going to get flamed for this, but I would be surprised if many parents with a normal attachment to their babies could go away for 3 days to another country and enjoy themselves with their tiny newborn at home

OP, can your parents come with you and stay nearby? Take the baby overnight, or for a few hours in the day? I would be amazed if you can even slight enjoy yourself while away from your baby for that long

I couldn't have done this. Just could not have been away overnight from my tiny baby....baby didn't take a bottle anyway so couldn't have

I am fairly relaxed ...I was working a few hours a day and leaving baby by time my second was 5 months old...but not overnight at 11 weeks.....

Just seen it's for 3 nights ! I would be very surprised if any mum would do that with an 11 week old! I would also slightly worry about the impact on baby of losing primary carer when they aren't old enough to know you are coming back.thats an eternity to a baby !

I'm going to get flamed for this, but I would be surprised if many parents with a normal attachment to their babies could go away for 3 days to another country and enjoy themselves with their tiny newborn at home

You're just going to get an endless slew of this kind of spiteful virtue-signalling, OP.

Realistically, there are too many variables for you to call at this point -- how you feel, how old your baby is, how you are feeding, whether your baby is a placid dream or a shrieky, wakeful demon. whether you are happy with how your parents care for your baby etc etc.

Can you reschedule closer to the time if you don't want to do it?

There's no way I could have done this. Perhaps you could practically if you were not breastfeeding and you trusted the grandparents 100% but you may still not want to. I would apply for a passport for your baby as soon as they are born and look into possibly taking them with you. They are good flyers at that age and you can request a travel cot at pretty much any hotel.

I left DD1 overnight one night a week from 2 weeks old with my exMIL. ExMIL absolutely doted on DD and they both loved it. My own DM didn’t have DD overnight until she was about 6 or 7 years old and then it was only in emergency situations. I knew my DM didn’t want to do overnights and I won’t leave my DC with people who don’t enjoy spending time with them. My family just aren’t really fussed on babies or children.

With DD2 however (different dad) she has just turned 3 and I’ve never spent a night away from her. Again my own family don’t want to mind her, and her other granny isn’t capable. It would have vastly helped my mental health and parental enjoyment if I could have had a night or two away in the past 3 years particularly when I was suffering PTSD and anxiety. But I struggled through. Makes me a bit teary thinking about it really.

However this Easter exDP and his parents will be taking DD2 to Spain for three nights and I’m looking forward to the break.

Just do what feels right for you OP. There are no hard and fast rules. It’s good for children to build bonds with other people than just their parents. The more loving adults a child has in their life the better. Motherhood doesn’t have to be a struggle if you have people willing to help you.

I'm going to get flamed for this, but I would be surprised if many parents with a normal attachment to their babies could go away for 3 days to another country and enjoy themselves with their tiny newborn at home*

What a sanctimonious pile of nonsense.

Ds was 3 years, 1 night away with I gave birth to Dd. Otherwise they were both 8 years when they went on their first residentials with school

Not especially protective, just didn't really have anyone to leave them with.

Otoh I had my best friends 12 week old for 3 nights and she was absolutely fine (as was my friend).

I wouldn’t. But I was breastfeeding. I also knew I was going back to FT work. I have had two babies and while DH and I have been away on work individually and we have had plenty of date nights with babysitters we have never ever left them overnight (7 and 3), and I don’t see it happening any time soon.
I now work 4 days a week and DH works FT with lots of international travel so the kids have been in full time childcare since 9 months respectively. So we have definitely cut the apron strings and no one is a martyr here.

For comparison, I wasn’t away from my parents (only child) till I was 10ish. I left my home and country at 18, and I have lived on three different continents and currently live a good 20 hours away from my parents. Personally I will let them go off without us overnight when we are ready and they are ready. At 11 weeks I don’t think I would have been ready and I would have managed just one night maybe. Three nights would seem like a lifetime to a baby.

@Parthenope

It isn't spiteful, and it isn't virtue signaling

I don't know a single mother who could have done this, and I have a pretty diverse friendship group

I know one friend who had to leave her 12 week old with her mum for 1 night to be a bridesmaid, and she spent the whole day and night thinking about her baby and speaking to her mum

I know several friends who went away in the early days and took a nanny with them to give them a bit of a break and let them go out for dinner without the baby

I have half a dozen friends who had night nannies, but still needed to be in the same house as their baby even if they weren't doing the night feeds

But 3 nights, in another country, drinking laughing and having fun and not being totally preoccupied with wondering how the baby is doing - I don't believe anyone could really do that if they have a proper bond with their newborn baby

But 3 nights, in another country, drinking laughing and having fun and not being totally preoccupied with wondering how the baby is doing - I don't believe anyone could really do that if they have a proper bond with their newborn baby

I did it. DD and I have a great bond, thanks very much.

Just because someone doesn't self-flagellate themselves over leaving their DC with a trusted caregiver doesn't mean they're less of a mother.

And although you've kept the language neutral by saying "parents" or "anyone", it's clear you really mean "mothers". If this was a thread about a man leaving his three month old while he went on a business trip or stag do there's so way you would've made the same comment.

How hard would it be to cancel the holiday if you decide you don't want to go? I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with you going and if you decide you want to nearer the time then fantastic, but I would have been utterly miserable if I'd done this when my baby was 11 weeks (I wouldn't want to do it now and he's nearly 7 months), so I'd be worried about you feeling like you HAD to do it, not for the baby (who I think will be absolutely fine) but for you.

I’ve never left my children for 3 nights in a row and they are 7,4 and 2. Overnight? Yes. Twice for 2 nights but not 3 and wild horses couldn’t have made me do it at 11 weeks.

DD is 7 months and I think...probably just the last few weeks would I feel comfortable leaving her overnight with someone else, but I still wouldn't actually do it unless desperate because although she is usually in bed by around 8pm now and not up for the day until somewhere between 6.30 and 7.45am, she still wakes in the night at least a few times for her dummy, and sometimes has nights where she does this every 30 minutes all night long and doesn't attempt to look for it herself. And then last night, what was that about DD? She woke up like twice in the night but properly fully awake and needed patting and lullabies back to sleep both times. It was awful! And she's not even done that before for a coulple of months. Basically babies are unpredictable so with that amount of potential disturbance in the night, whilst I would feel comfortable having her away from me/DH for a night, I wouldn't feel it fair to inflict a night like last night on somebody else! So I still wouldn't. But this does depend on your baby, DD cries most of each day, and wakes frequently in the night for her dummy and comforting. If I had a dream baby that slept all night with no disturbances and didn't hysterically scream for hours each day and fight every nap, then I wouldn't feel bad about leaving them. I'm sure it depends on your baby's temperament how many offers you get to leave them though as well! Certainly we've never had an offer of an overnight from anyone and I'm not surprised!!

I would also slightly worry about the impact on baby of losing primary carer when they aren't old enough to know you are coming back.thats an eternity to a baby!

Surely the fact that babies can't tell time means that this is an argument against leaving them even for an afternoon - and no one argues that, do they? An 11 week knows that mummy is either 'here' or 'not here' - I don't think they've got a concept of 'not been here for three hours' vs 'not been here for three days', do they?