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Original poster

Leaving your newborn

104 replies

Shaddow2016 · 29/01/2019 21:35

I am due to give birth on 23rd February and we have a 3 day weekend booked abroad for my husband's 40th birthday just the two of us when the baby would be approx 11 weeks old. My parents would be looking after baby but I'm just not sure how I'll feel leaving. I know they will be well looked after and I happen to think it's good them getting used to others but I'm worried when it comes to it I won't be able to leave. Has anyone else left their child for periods of time when they are that young. Thank you!

OP posts:
EpicDay · 30/01/2019 16:06

I second everybody who says you won’t know till the baby is here. I was weirdly different even as between my 2 dcs - dc1 I left happily very early, dc2 just seemed more vulnerable somehow (no doubt based on no evidence whatsoever!!).

NabooThatsWho · 30/01/2019 16:09

‘ I don't believe anyone could really do that if they have a proper bond with their newborn baby’

Hmm Maybe some people are so comfortable and confident with the bond they have with their baby that they know their baby will be fine for a few nights with a loving and trusted caregiver. A bond isn’t going to be irreparably destroyed in a couple of nights.

Stop being so bloody judgemental.

Findingthingstough18 · 30/01/2019 16:11

I do think it will be essentially impossible to do this without giving the baby formula - I don't see how you could possibly build up three days' supply of expressed milk by 11 weeks while also feeding the baby. You may not breastfeed at all, of course, or you may be breastfeeding but happy to give some formula just for those few days (and to pump while away to maintain supply and keep you comfortable), but it is maybe worth considering - as is the fact that again, if you breastfeed, not all babies will take bottles.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Parthenope · 30/01/2019 16:13

But 3 nights, in another country, drinking laughing and having fun and not being totally preoccupied with wondering how the baby is doing - I don't believe anyone could really do that if they have a proper bond with their newborn baby

I really don't think you and your 'diverse' friends speak for the human race. you know. It's fine that you chose not to leave your baby. It's fine that the OP thinks she may. What's not OK is pontificating about how anyone who could do this doesn't have a 'proper bond'. And yes, it is spiteful.

Findingthingstough18 · 30/01/2019 16:18

Yeah, I completely agree that it's completely unnecessary and untrue to claim that no good mother would do this.

What is worth pointing out is that the percentage of pregnant women who think they would do this is a lot higher than the percentage of women with babies who do it. DS was nearly five months the first time I left the house without him for more than 30 minutes. If you had told me that that would be what would happen when I was pregnant I would have either laughed, cried, or patronisingly explained to you at length that I wasn't going to be one of those awful boring women who can't think about anything but their baby...

tenbob · 30/01/2019 16:47

Parthenope We will have to agree to disagree then
No, my friendship groups don't speak for the entire human race, but the human race includes people who pack their children off to boarding school at 4 or 5 years old

OP, check the cancellation policy of your trip, and if that's no good, check the wording of your travel insurance to see if have an out in case you need it

RedCrab · 30/01/2019 17:23

I absolutely could not have left my three at that age. I just didn’t want to. Of course there’s going to be lots of people who are fine with it but I think it’s probably very normal to just not want to leave your baby. Three days and nights is such a long time.

You won’t know if you’re person A or person B until your baby arrives, unfortunately!

IchFliegeNach · 30/01/2019 17:44

I think the most important thing for you to remember is:
A. It's ok if you go;
B. It's ok if you don't go.

Up to you. Decide nearer the time and don't stress about it either way.

Congratulations in advance!

garethsouthgatesmrs · 30/01/2019 19:05

as others have said there are three considerations

  1. will you be confortable with leaving your baby for that long? As we don't know you it's hard to advise. I would not have been able to cope with that separation so soon, your hormones will be all over the place.

  2. Will your baby take a bottle and for that long a span of time? It could potentially impact on your milk supply if you are breastfeeding. Plenty of babies are bottle refusers and if you are planning to breastfeed at 11 weeks you will be doing a heck of a lot of expressing while away. Not to mention how much expressing you would have had to do in preparation. It may even affect your baby's latch when you return

  3. Will your parents honestly be able to cope. Do they really remember what they are letting themselves in for? What if your baby has colic or is a bad sleeper? My parents are healthy and only in their sixties but one bad night knackers my mum so I think by the end of 3 nights she would be wiped out and I would feel it was too much to ask of her at the newborn stage.

VenusClapTrap · 30/01/2019 19:11

Maybe some people are so comfortable and confident with the bond they have with their baby that they know their baby will be fine for a few nights with a loving and trusted caregiver. A bond isn’t going to be irreparably destroyed in a couple of nights. Stop being so bloody judgemental.

^This.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 30/01/2019 19:18

Or take them with you
this is what i would be doing if i really wanted to go, either that or postponing for a few months which gives you more time to prepare by leaving your baby for progressively longer periods.

I think this thread shows that while a few people have done this most havent either because they didn't want to be separated for that long, couldnt for feeding related reasons or felt too guilty about impact on caregivers.

Camparisafari · 30/01/2019 19:44

I did. I left baby with my mum at 3 weeks old for x1 night because DH and I fancied a night out! Then for x1 week when she was 4 months while we went for an extended cheapy mini break in Eastern Europe. It was amazing and I kept in touch with my mum via a phone call each day and text to see how baby was doing. Then left baby again for another x1 week holiday when they were 9 months. This was possible because baby was formula fed from birth and sleeping through the night from 6 weeks. I really enjoyed spending time with my DH and staying out late, lie ins etc! Everything was absolutely fine, it gave us a break, fun, change of scene. Baby was fine and my mum coped well. I didn’t feel guilty or sad at all!

EwItsAHooman · 30/01/2019 20:00

But 3 nights, in another country, drinking laughing and having fun and not being totally preoccupied with wondering how the baby is doing - I don't believe anyone could really do that if they have a proper bond with their newborn baby

Biggest load of guilt-tripping, judgemental bullshit I've ever read on this site and I've been here a long time.

Being a mother is part of who I am but it is not all that I am, I don't shrivel into an aimlessly weeping husk when my DC aren't around. Personally I think it's healthy to have time away from the children both as an individual and as a couple. The time as a couple is especially important because once all my DC are grown it'll be just me and DH on our own again like it was before they arrived and I'd rather not be sat there feeling like strangers to one another without the children to talk to or about. Wanting some adult time is not unhealthy and is not a sign of having a poor bond or being a bad mother.

It is perfectly fine to leave a baby (or child) with a trusted caregiver while you have some time away, at whatever age you feel comfortable doing so, and there is no need to feel guilty for this.

Aspergallus · 30/01/2019 20:26

No one can tell you if you are going to be ok with this OP. It’s very individual. And you probably won’t be able to judge it till the time comes. Personally I find it very hard until about 6 months then something just shifts and I can leave them for the odd night out. Been the same with all 3.

If you really want advice I would say that it’s probably best avoided in the 4th trimester -for your sake more than baby. The 4th trimester is a chance for you to slow down and recover too -just cosying in the sofa for cuddles. But no judgement if that isn’t for you.

SoonBeSpring · 30/01/2019 20:41

I'd have given anything to leave DC1 overnight at 12 weeks, just for the sleep.
Abroad for 3 nights is quite optimistic though, the baby would be fine but you'll very likely struggle.
When I was pregnant I asked DM if she might have the baby for a fortnight when it was 5 months so DH and I could go to the Caribbean. She laughed and so did I when I'd actually given birth.
Keep your options open Op, the idea and reality are so different.

Amongstthestars · 30/01/2019 20:45

It’s lovely you have the option to leave your newborn, but I think you’ll struggle. We left DC1 with MIL for 1 night when he was 10 months old and again for 2 nights when he was 22 months old. Emotionally I couldn’t have left him sooner than that...and missed him desperately.

Having said that, I’ve now got DC2 who is 9 months old. She’s ebf and I’ve done every freaking night shift (waking every 2-3 hours) and there’s no opportunity to sleep in the day because of DC1. I’m so very tired and would be very willing to run away (leave both of them with DH or MIL) for even 1 night of being alone!!!

concernedforthefuture · 30/01/2019 20:46

My kids are 7 & 8 and there's no way I'd leave the country without them, even now (but DH and I do take short breaks within the UK whilst their GPs gave them for a couple of days, and have done since they were about 2 &3). I absolutely don't understand how anyone could consider leaving a tiny baby to go abroad without them (or indeed leave them to go anywhere without them full stop). Sorry.

Flop3 · 30/01/2019 21:50

I think it is different for everyone and you might not really know how you’ll feel until baby is here. I had my first night away from my lo at 10 months. For me, I couldn’t, and didn’t want to do it any sooner. They were exclusively bf, and even once solids were introduced, still fed to sleep and fed through night so I wanted to be there. Now at 18 months, the most I’ve had away is two nights and I did enjoy it, but I was also happy to get back to my wee one. It is different for everyone, but if you are bf, you’ll need to think about the practicalities of it too!

Mississippilessly · 30/01/2019 22:25

Entirely depends on how you/your baby is. But I dont see how it is doable at all if you are BF.

Doghorsechicken · 30/01/2019 22:41

You’ll know how you’ll feel once baby is here. I left DS with my mum at 6 weeks old for 2 days/1 night. I don’t think he even noticed I’d gone because he was getting more than enough cuddles whilst we were away! I did miss him and had lots of photos sent to us to see what he was up to. But it was lovely to go away as a couple and just focus on each other. Plus have a full nights sleep! When I told everyone at the baby group they looked at me like I was crazy. It’s not for everyone but it works for us. Mum has had him once a month since he was born, she loves it! It’s nice for them to have alone time to bond too. Also, mum has raised two children, he is my first, she has a lot more experience with babies than I do!

Piebeansandchips · 30/01/2019 22:56

Left dc1 with my parents at 12 weeks with expressed milk & bottles for a night. It was less than 24 hrs and i found it hard. My DM is a midwife and dc1 was sleeping through but it was still horrible. Dc2 I'd have given away at that point. Up every 2-3 hours, puker, clingon, wouldn't take a bottle etc etc. 16 months later and we had a night away.
So hard to tell before baby is here do what's right for you and your baby.

Amanduh · 30/01/2019 23:35

Never have. Have had my mum look after him until 2am if we’ve gone out etc but not gone away over night... I just don’t need to. He’s 2. A newborn? Absolutely no no way!

ourkidmolly · 31/01/2019 01:53

No haven't done it and couldn't unless necessary. Think it's terrible for a tiny baby to be separated from main carer like that. They don't even realise that they're a separate being yet. Just because they can't articulate their feelings, we can't assume they're fine. All research now points to the opposite. I would feel physically sick and anxious which is nature's way of ensuring that this doesn't happen. What's the hurry to leave newborns? It's a tiny window in their lives.

EwItsAHooman · 31/01/2019 07:42

All research now points to the opposite

Please back up your guilt trip with links to the studies showing that leaving a baby with their grandparents for a weekend is developmentally damaging.

Di11y · 31/01/2019 08:07

it boils down to whether your breastfeeding and if your parents can cope with a potentially very sad drmanding baby for that long.