A bit of perspective on having three children...

[Blondie87]

Hello,

I’ve been backwards and forwards for about a year as to whether to go for a third. Some days there is no doubt in my mind that we are meant to be a family of 5 and I’m raring to go; other times I’m completely the other way and so relieved I’m finally getting out the fog of early parenthood!

Strangely, I’ve found that I’m spending a disproportionate amount of time thinking about it, weighing up the pros and cons etc. I know deep down this is rather academic brigade you’d never procreate if you based it on that! So I’d love to hear about having three, the good, the bad and the ugly!

Two's company, three's a crowd. It gives a perfect opportunity for 2 siblings to hang up on the 3rd.

Gang up, not hang up!

Its hard. I suppose it does depend on your age gaps though. I have a 9 year old, a 3.9 and a 2.2 we had to get a bigger car as the older child was stuck between two screaming babies all the time. We have a 3 bed house with only 1 toilet so it seems crowded. Days out are expensive, any trips out are expensive, holidays out of the question for now, childcare a fortune, the older child isn’t into anything the younger ones are into so there’s always someone unhappy on family trips. it’s relentless BUT it’s also lovely and the middle child will be starting school in September where I think things will get easier

3 has been great for us, hard at the start but worth it.

Ok so three does sound like a challenge! The gaps (were we to plan to start trying) would be roughly 5 years and 3 years respectively between eldest and middle to the younger one.

My three gang up on each other, and the younger two are very close which works both ways.

I wish I'd stuck at two.

Mine are 13,14, 17

lightlover what sort of gap do you have?

I definitely want three some days and others I'm so glad I only have 2. They are 8 years in age gap so i've only ever had to deal with one baby at a time as well so if we do go for another I'm waiting for this one to be in school.

Its made it a dream scenario to be honest this time around and i'm 31 so if we go for it will start trying in a few years. But the expense freak's me out and the fact that you get through the baby years, which although totally glorious and lush at times is a great achievement and then one has to go back to the beginning sort of thing.

I think it totally depends on your age and other children's ages, as being able to spend time with each child is fantastic but i understand lots of people don't have that luxury of starting early to be able to do this.

Plus the big gaps career wise have basically meant I have never got onto that higher rung of the ladder. And after this second baby I'm not even on the ladder any more!

How old are your two?
We went for 3, and have a 4 year gap between oldest and youngest, so all pretty close together. That way we moved though each phase as a family. If we’d had two and then left it a while I definitely wouldn’t have relished returning to the baby stage all over again.

That’s interesting livedandlearned. Appreciate your honesty.

I have 3, they're now all teenagers.
They are delightful - yes taking one out of the equation gives you a bit of a break sometimes but when they're all together and in the right mood, they are fab!
DH finds the bickering and noise soul destroying because he was an only child 😆 His parents are older and unwell now and our 3 are great at visiting and helping out.
How old are your other 2?

I’d want a small gap between them all ideally. Mine are 20m apart and it’s been hard but love the gap. I’m early 30s so don’t want to be too old once they’re 18 so I get some time back about 50!

They are 3.5 & 2

@Blondie87 so there is a 5 year gap between your two and there would be a three year gap between the younger and the potential baby?

A 4 year gap between your youngest and the baby would mean both your other children would be in school so that would be the best outcome in my personal opinion.

Having 9am until 3pm free with a newborn/baby so you can rest when the baby does ect is the ideal

We have a 10 year gap between numbers 2 and 3. The youngest is 2.

It mostly is a lot of fun. The older ones help with the little one, and someone is always laughing. It takes the sting out of some of the most annoying teen age sulking. But if I am not working I am parenting. I am parenting nearly all of the time. Sometimes if I arrange with DH in advance I can get some time to myself for exercising. My career is also not what it could have been, I try not to dwell on it.

I am glad I didn't have three similar in age. Just the driving around for three in late childhood/early teenagers would do my head in.

@Blondie87 oh ok, sorry my maths/dyslexic brain couldn't work that one out

Our 3rd has been a joy and he has added to our lives immeasurably. However, it is more expensive and I have had to be more mindful about planning one-on-one time with the other two. You definitely feel more stretched and it’s just harder work in general.
However, we’re having a fourth, partly for the same reason mentioned by @GertrudeWilloughby.

3 is a magic number
And yours are young enough that there won’t be a huge gap. I’ll be honest- when I had 3 pre schoolers it was hard graft, and undoubtedly in the short term it would have been far easier to leave a bigger gap. I had a couple of friends who had a 3rd after the eldest two were both at school which looked much easier to begin with. But having seen the difficulties when they get a bit older (difficult to find activities in common, needing babysitters and childcare still alongside having two teenagers) I honestly think it’s easier long term to just move through each stage as a family unit. Plus although childcare bills were scarily big for a few years, I didn’t have a prolonged phase of having maternity leaves spread over a lengthy period.
Would definitely recommend 3. It definitely changes the dynamics once the parents become outnumbered, but in a good way imo

Haha campoopapi sorry i didn’t make that very clear!

Yes, I’m thinking long term, having a big family around when they are older- potentially hideous in the early days though!

Personally I think if you waited a couple of years then your quality of life and enjoyment of parenting all three would be much better, being able to miss your other children with them being in school, having quality time with your 2 year old while not being pregnant or dealing with a newborn.

There are so many factors for me, that if I had the choice and could plan, that having a toddler and a newborn at the same time as also dealing with the other child's first year at school would just make life a lot more unnecessarily stressful.

Things I knew about beforehand - bigger house, bigger car, more expense, difficulty with holidays (rooms for 5 and hideously rare).

Things I thought weren’t an issue but are - swimming lessons at 3 different times, a whole new set of activities to fit in, spreading attention thinner. ‘Mums taxi’ etc. I suppose this is as bad as you make it. No reason why they should have any extra curricular but if they all do just one different one you can be out 6 times a week with it easily.

Things I didn’t consider at all - differences of developmental stage impacting on family activities. I have a 9yo and teens. We can’t all sit down and watch a 12/15 movie together. Days out can be boring for one or the other. The elder ones miss out on things we would do if we didn’t have the younger.

All in all it is worth it. They all have lovely relationships with each other and the pros outweigh the cons. It’s emotional rather than practical. On a practical level it’s an idiotic thing to do.

I also think a bigger gap can help with them being secure in your love and bonding with a baby as they themselves are no longer 'babies' and have started to make friends and develop their own interests.

So interesting and so much to consider!

Mine are 10,8 and 6

It was hard when they were really little, obviously things get easier when they become older and more independent.

But it is relentless, I just feel outnumbered all of the time, it's hard to give them all attention, don't underestimate how hard it is to get yourself sorted and then three kids on a daily basis.
The expense is also a factor, everything is expensive x3, days out, school trips, meals out, the food and clothes bill.

Generally they get on well, I'd say the 10 year old is left out more though as the younger two can play nice. But when the 10 year old wants to he can really change the dynamic.

Oh and I'm knackered!

But saying all that, I wouldn't change it, the noise and fun and their personalities more than make up for the hardships.

I don't think you'd ever regret having a third child, but would you regret not having one?

Good question! I think it’s a much bigger decision than going from 1-2 because they dynamic and logistics are that bit harder.