A bit of perspective on having three children...

[Blondie87]

Hello,

I’ve been backwards and forwards for about a year as to whether to go for a third. Some days there is no doubt in my mind that we are meant to be a family of 5 and I’m raring to go; other times I’m completely the other way and so relieved I’m finally getting out the fog of early parenthood!

Strangely, I’ve found that I’m spending a disproportionate amount of time thinking about it, weighing up the pros and cons etc. I know deep down this is rather academic brigade you’d never procreate if you based it on that! So I’d love to hear about having three, the good, the bad and the ugly!

Mine are 7, 5, 15 months. The youngest has just started sleeping through, so it feels a tiny bit easier but WOW that first year was hard. I would have really struggled with a smaller gap between the youngest 2 (there's 3.9 years). The baby now wants to be with his sisters instead of clinging to my leg. But there is always something to do, always someone needing help with something. I love it but relaxing it is not! Although of course mine are all still fairly young.

I spent every day pondering a third and just know that I would have regretted not having him more than anything else in my life. Although obviously that's just me, I have friends who are perfectly happy with 0/1/2/4!

I have 3 ds 5, 7 & 9, hard work at first especially once oldest started school trying to get them all out the door. But they are great mates now and all play together nicely. They do fight I'm not sure they fight anymore because there are 3 of them than they would if there was only 2.
Downside we did I've to buy a bigger car to fit in 3 car seats & sometimes hard to book hotels as not my big enough family rooms

3 is wonderful most days. They all play together. I love it. But today I feel so poorly and the toddler has the runs and the baby needs attention and the washing is piling up and the boy needs taking to and collecting from school. That's hard!

We have 3 at the moment, due #4 soon. Our 3 are 7, 5 and 3.

Honestly, I love it. I don't find parenting them hard or giving them individual time and attention. They're all very different but DH and I are a good team. The big two each do swimming lessons and gymnastics while our eldest does Beavers too. I do think any more extra curricular activities would be too much at this stage though.

However there are several factors which have made it undoubtedly easier - our health and theirs- which is purely luck, we have a reasonable amount of money (not rich but comfortable), I am a SAHM, we have chosen to / been able to keep life very simple in other ways (low maintenence house, DH does 8-4 type hours a 20 minute walk away and has flexi time and plenty of annual leave, we walk to school and DC can walk to secondary, we haven't attempted foreign holidays, no pets). We have rarely-required but strong family support from my parents who are local and still in their mid-fifties.

It is definitely good fun and I love having a larger than average family, however it is a lifestyle choice that needs careful consideration I think. Everything is a tiny bit more complicated and a fair bit more expensive!

Mine are 10, 7 with ASC so comes across younger & nearly 5. We have age gaps of 2.3 years, then 2.10 years, so just over 5 years between biggest & smallest.

Cons

• You are definitely outnumbered. There are never enough hands to hold, it takes ages to get everybody ready to go out etc.
• It is expensive, especially once they are all 3+ then 5+, as you don't get one going free any more
• Family tickets & holidays & hotel rooms etc are all geared up to families of 4
• They are very loud! Partly because DS2 doesn't have volume control, in our case, due to autism
• I am only just getting back to work after a 10-year gap, as I chose to stay at home until they were all at school
• Lots of laundry, food shopping & cooking, washing up etc
• Childcare more expensive & difficult to get people to babysit for 3r
• Starting to get more difficult to find things to do that please all 3 - although I think this is down to age gap rather than number of DC

Pros

• They get on so well, it's like a ready-made friendship group. They are never lonely & DS2 always has lots of people ready to stick up for him (both his brothers & all their friends). They don't really tend to gang up 2:1
• They all help us & each other out with whatever needs doing.
• DS3 has actually helped DS2's development & they are growing up together & not far apart in terms of development.
• There is always someone to play with or talk, it's never lonely.
• They complete our family

So many reasons against, but the biggest reason from both lists for us is they are just amazing together! They complete us.

Another pro: DS3's baby years were so easy, because I'd done it twice already & also because he just slotted in with what the others were doing. He was on school runs & activities etc from day 1, whereas with the other two I would stay in for naps & feeds, which seems crazy to me now (DS3 just ate & slept out & about)

I have mine at 8,6,4 so similar gap? I’ve honestly enjoyed it and it didn’t feel like my world turned upside down. Middle one has it best a plays with either of the other two, 8 ye old more independent but they are a solid little gang who are kind to each other and protective. Very rare to see arguments, and if they are its low level.

I had one, decided to have another one and had twins. There's a 3 year gap between them. Early years were difficult, didn't know if I was on my arse or my elbow some days!
They're all grown up now and all get on fabulously.

We’ve got three. The eldest is 4. The twins are 18 months.

It’s hard work. It never stops, and life just feels like it’s forever on fastforward. We never get a rest or even a moments peace.

It is (very slowly) getting easier. And it is lovely to have such a vibrant, lively, funny house.

But being outnumbered is a very real thing. It’s stressful and sometimes it even feels dangerous.

I have 3, eldest were 5.5 and 3.5 when youngest was born.

I found parenting two very easy, really almost felt it was what I was born to do. I was a childminder/ Sahm abd lived it, couldn't imagine finding 3 hard.

The problem was that no.3 didn't sleep til he was 2.5 years old (by which I mean really didn't sleep - 4 hours to fall asleep every night, perhaps an initial block of 2 hours then awake every 45 minutes, nothing that had worked with the older 2 worked with him), and it nearly killed me because the older 2 no longer napped and were on a school schedule. Often the youngest would go into his deepest sleep at 6am, and at weekends sleep 2-3 hours then, but the older 2 were up.

Dc3 is an utter delight in every way - the funniest, most imaginative, quirky, clever, loving little person you could hope for, and also so beautiful with his huge brown eyes, but oh my goodness he nearly killed me and aged me at least 10 years - I was 37 when he was 2 but I felt 87, everything hurt all the time and I constantly felt faintly dozy or numb. Sleep deprivation of that level is like nothing on earth. It wouldn't have been as bad if the others hadn't been on a schedule by then with school/ preschool/ no naps/ friends over etc.

Once he was sleeping and at preschool I went back to work and now he's at school I often feel terribly sorry that dc3 doesn't get the attention dc1 and 2 both had at his age, has to go to after school club which they never had to etc. He has a few quirks, food issues, can be a bit dramatic about things, I don't think he has the inner strength his older siblings have and I worry I've failed him due to lack of time.

All 3 kids get on well though 13, 11 and 7 nearly 8 now) and are very loving towards one another and we've never had jealousy or fighting at all. I think that's because I've never forced them to spend time together, do activities together, or share excessively or for the sake of it. I have a lot of siblings myself whom I'm not particularly close to and I hated one of my siblings growing up. I don't want to push my kids on one another as my parents did.

I adore dc3 but i think 2 close in age is the sensible number of children tbh.

We have three, aged 7, 5 and 18 months. Similar to what you’d have. I love having three, and would never have stopped thinking about it if we hadn’t. The elder two adore ‘their’ baby.

BUT it has been very, very hard. None were good sleepers but DC3 has been awful. Only micro napping in the day, waking every 1-2 hours at night until recently. DH and I are broken by exhaustion. He works long hours so I don’t have much help in the week and we’re both surviving on 4-5 hours sleep. I never feel like I get a minute’s break as if DC3 sleeps it’s for about 30 mins, barely time to hoover and put a wash on. There is more washing than I can keep on top of!

The older two are easy in comparison, but have reading and homework daily, and it can be hard to find quiet time to help them. It’s hard to do clubs on school days as two are always being dragged along to wait and are tired and bored.

I don’t want to seem negative but I told myself the third would just fit in (also what many others encouraged me to believe) and this was such crap! She’s dictated everything! Having an easy third I’d be saying something different though!

I have 3 - there's 2 years 4 months between the first two and there's 3 years 4 months between 2 and 3. At the minute they are 13, 11 and 7.

I'll be honest I never found it that difficult. I work part time. Initially in the evenings and a weekend day when the third one was born. I'm not one for lots of extra curricular activities anyway so I don't get the huge amount of running around.
We already had a big enough house for each of them to have their own room. Any bickering that I hear gets shut down very quickly. They all have to give and take ie music in the car etc or else I decide.
I'm one of two with a two year age gap and I didn't want that for mine, I found that difficult as a child but I was the elder one. My husband was the middle one of three and he was happy enough so that's what we hoped for.
Mine all rub along nicely and the odd time they don't they get told to sort it out themselves. I get individual time with each of them as does their Dad and various combinations of the three do stuff together. Mine are all girls.

Cross post blueskies! Yep I sometimes feel like the sleep deprivation is going to finish me off It’s the lack of opportunity to ever catch up too. I agree two would have been ‘sensible’. I wouldn’t be without DC3 and I love her so much, but I can imagine with just a 7 and 5 year old we’d have much more time, energy, freedom and money!

Love having 3. Never had an issue with the ganging up thing.
Oldest and youngest are 7 years apart and get on in a lovely way- no competition just lots of fun. Middle DC is youngests best friend and they miss each other terribly.

The biggest dynamic issue we've faced has been between dcs 1 & 2 who are very competitive with each other and always have been, even before no.3 came along. If anything, the third has diffused a lot of that tension. (As 1 & 2 are maturing, they are getting better but can still fight like cat and dog. 3 year age gap)

For me personally, 3 was the number I'd always thought I'd end up having and I really was thrilled each time to be pregnant - but of course by the third pregnancy, you are far more knackered due to all the looking after you have to do already. Doable though, obviously!

The only small drawback I would say is finding activities suitable for all, but I constantly remind them that it's good training in resilience- having to do things we don't always enjoy. The eldest will soon have a choice to stay home anyway as time rolls on.

They have, hands down, been my biggest and proudest achievements and I'm so very grateful to have all 3- even on the hardest of days.

*miss each other terribly when apart

We have 4 and it swings from being super hard to fairly easy and straightforward and back again! Ours are now 14, 6, 5 and 4 with only 10months between no2 and 3 and 19months between 3 and 4, all of ours also have autism so need a high level of care.

Def needed a larger car, holidays are super expensive and activity schedules need careful planning. Currently neither of us work as the kids need so much support and we average 4-6hrs broken sleep max a night

Consider the value of relationships. Taking just your immediate family unit initially, if you're on your own, you have no relationships.
P=1, R=0.

If you are attached, you have one relationship.
P=2, R=1.

Add a child
P=3, R=3.

And another
P=4, R=6. (You just doubled the number of relationships by adding a second child).

Add a third
P=5 R=10. (That's quite a lot of relationships!)

Now consider that actually a relationship between two people not one single thing. It's experienced differently, but equally, by both people. So count each relationship twice.

P=1 R=0
P=2 R=2
P=3 R=6
P=4 R=12
P=5 R=20 etc.

You can take it further and consider the further combinatorial effects of considering wider family relationships. Aunts, Uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc.

And you can consider the number of unique relationship types created, especially when you factor gender. Mother-Son, Mother-Daughter, Father-Son, Father-Daughter, Brother-Sister, Brother-Brother etc etc. This is often what drives people to go beyond three children. "We really want a daughter" or "We really want a brother for Peter" etc.

Also (sadly) you can think about the inevitable loss of relationships, through the inevitable death, or even serious relationship breakdowns. The relationships in a small family unit can be devastated by an event.

It's easy to see why many people stop at 2, but also why many people go for a third or more!. You get a lot of "bang for your buck"!

But there is no "right answer", no "ideal" family, and myriad other factors to consider.

Do you like nice holidays? And to have freedom to go wherever you want?

Unless you have a serious income, KISS GOODBYE to a good choice of affordable family holidays. I feel like 90% of places are only set up for 2+2 families.

The rest of the time, three is pretty bloody lovely. The, err, “banter” between three keeps our house pretty cheerful.

BobLemon I disagree there. It depends what you think is a nice holiday though I guess. Personally I hate hotel holidays with young children regardless of how many children, I don't enjoy a week living in a single room as a family, but it is true that a decent family room for 5 with a proper number of beds is as rare as Willy Wonker's golden ticket...

We've had lots of really good, relaxing, interesting self catering cottage or/ mobile hime holidays with 3 children though, in Italy (3 or 4 times), France, Austria, Germany, Croatia and Ireland, and short breaks in youth hostels in Germany, Austria and Italy with 6 bed rooms, as well as the odd night in a hotel (but that requires a lot more searching for than a room for 4).

Oh and a narrow boat holiday with 3 cabins was another good one. We tend to avoid August though for obvious price reasons!

It sounds like you want to do it, otherwise it wouldn't be such a hard decision. I felt very similar about going for a 3rd and decided to go for it....

I would say the main thing is, you have to absolutely love everything about raising kids and all the challenges as well as the thrills they bring. You have to be happy for your life and time to be completely taken over for as long as it takes. Sure, you can schedule little pockets of time for yourself here and there, but you can't be resentful if that's all you get for several years. For it to work well, you have to be in it 100%, and so does your partner.

Mine are aged almost 7, almost 5 and 2, plus we have now got a brand new no. 4. We won't be having any more. It's hard work, yes, but it's also so rewarding and so interesting watching how differently they all turn out. And so much love and pride when I see them play together. Personally, I would do it all again.

I have 3 dc. And expecting 4th. They all love each other very kuch very close. They argue and fight but hug each all the time. Granted they are still small. 6, 4 and nearly 2. But we are a very close family and they miss each other mad. The eldest 2 meet each day at school and nursery fence to say hello and check on each other...when they argue they threaten not to do this.... 3 is not always a crowd

We're an unintentional family of 5 here. Toddler and baby twins. I won't lie, we tried for a second when DS was 1, we wanted a sibling for him with a small gap. Never ever thought we'd get 2. The logistics are so hard I have to laugh or I'll put my head in the oven. It can only get better!! Sorry, I realise that's not your average scenario with 3 children. But what if you get twins when trying for a third?!

I found the leap from 2 to 3 the hardest when they were tiny, although I was pg with DC 4 by the time DC 3 was 2 months old so that probably didn’t help! Weirdly, 4 was easier.

I'm one of three. All of us said we'd like to have three children ourselves. It always felt to me like there was always someone for company. If X didn't want to do something or go somewhere, then Y probably would.

My DSis has thus far been the only one brave enough to do it though. I have two and there's no way I want to have a newborn again (for full disclosure one is still a baby so I may grow out of this feeling but I am currently getting rid of a lot of baby stuff so I'll be less tempted!)