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If your child has a tantrum in a shop, do you give in?

106 replies

marymarkle · 25/01/2019 10:12

Curious. I am reading "tales from retail" and some shop staff say they often see young kids having a tantrum as they want something e.g. toy, sweets (fair enough kids tantrum), but it is very rare not to see a parent give in and give the child what they want.
I just wondered if they were exaggerating?
So if your child is having a tantrum in a shop because they want you to buy something and you have said no, do you give in and buy it anyway? ESpecially if the tantrum is loud and goes on for a long time?

OP posts:
Sewrainbow · 25/01/2019 14:52

Definitely not!

AnotherPidgey · 25/01/2019 14:54

DS1 was horrendous for supermarket tantrums when he was 2. Unfortunately it co-incided with me being pregnant and ending up on crutches. He had multiple food allergies so I couldn't shop online in one supermarket to be able to avoid the trigger.

My most memorable one was at 38wks. We'd gone to the supermarket cafe, purely to get out of the house as one of the few accessible places left of mutual interest. He wanted to go into the shop to look at the toy aisle. I was in too much pain to stagger that far. He exploded into the full thrashing, screaming, polishing the floor routine. The only thing I could do was wait it out. I couldn't even bend down to him anymore. A lovely old couple offered to pick him up and put him on a ride on and even put the money in for him which managed to distract and cheer him enough to a state where he could be safely walked across the carpark.

I can't vow that I have never given in, there were that many, most are just a fuzz. Normally an incentive like going to look at toys as a reward for good behaviour works. Reasoned, polite discussion can work.

There was the time he was utterly desperate to have a small car, and it made it as far as the till... oh how he scoured the shopping bags on getting home. That only worked once. Every other time he was permitted something, it was scruitinised hawk-like until the checkout, through the checkout and to the bags!

I suspect there are SN involved. He tantrumed early (10m) and intensively. They did ease significantly when he was 5, but at 8, he still struggles to react rationally to petty stuff like his DB getting the blue cup first. Once he's going, most reactions make little difference to him and I have other areas of concern.

IggyAce · 25/01/2019 15:27

Absolutely not. My ds when age 3 wanted another toy car from Poundland, I said no he started a tantrum I gave him a warning and he still continued. It was a pretty epic tantrum I picked him up and had to carry him all the way home. He didn’t calm down until we were home, however he never threw another tantrum like that again.

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beanaseireann · 25/01/2019 17:51

Seline
Because of people posting on Mumsnet I am now much more aware that a child having a meltdown might have special needs and am a lot more tolerant of parents parenting. In the past I would have thought all tantrums were because of poor parenting. Not any more.
I have neurotypical dc so it wasn't an issue. They didn't always get what they wanted in a shop but they never had a meltdown. They understood it would get them nowhere.

Seline · 25/01/2019 17:54

bean
Thank you. I really appreciate you saying that.

couchparsnip · 27/01/2019 12:44

I dont think people who give in to tantrums are going to admit they do on MN. But I have worked in retail and seen it happen a few times. Mostly with some justification like "she promised to be good now", or "he did go quiet for a minute so I bought him it".

Zwischenwasser · 27/01/2019 13:08

Im like bean

In the past i might have thought a supermarket tantrum was bad behaviour. Unavoidable perhaps, but something you could train a child out of.

Thanks to MN I know that isn’t true.

SpoonBlender · 27/01/2019 13:18

Never. Though it's never happened to me when I was already at the end of my tether, so I'm lucky.

Watched DNephew throwing one age four or so, pause for a moment to look to see if anyone was watching, then carry on. Dsis and I exchanged raised eyebrows and laughed. He gave up after a bit and went off to his room.

I have given supportive/sympathetic comments to parents dealing with a stroppy/tanty kid, glad to see a few PP's saying it really helps! I do it on the principle that if the parent is embarrassed by it, they need a bit of reassurance that they're not being looked down on by us general public.

WorraLiberty · 27/01/2019 13:23

I once stood behind a woman at a market stall, whose (probably 8/9yr old) daughter was demanding her mum bought her strawberries 'NOW'.

The mum explained that they had to wait in the queue and her DD called her a bitch Shock

The mum still bought them and announced loudly, "I'm only buying them because I'm pleased you've made a healthy choice" and promptly handed her the punnet Hmm

icannotremember · 27/01/2019 13:32

I'm envious of those of you who have said that all it took for your dc never to have another public tantrum was for you to refuse to give in on the one occasion they did.

Sladurche · 27/01/2019 14:43

No.
Mine are past tantrum stage, but didn't really have them. I just had a threat: " you sound really, really tired. Maybe we should go home right now and go to bed". It would usually start "I not tired". " oh, but when you cry and scream like tht you sound really tired. Let's stop shopping so we can go straight to bed.". Usually stopped it.

NottingPhil · 27/01/2019 14:46

No never. Otherwise they’d think that they can do what they want in public because I’m too embarrassed to stop it

QuilliamCakespeare · 27/01/2019 14:56

Nope, it's the absolute worst thing you can do. I just pretend to walk away or let them wear themselves out.

I genuinely couldn't give a shit what people think when they see me in that situation so have no problem waiting it out.

Ifangyow · 27/01/2019 16:08

No.
When mine were aged up to around four years old, once out of the buggy and walking, I always put them in reins when we were out and about. If they threads tantrum, I used to pick them up and carry them like a parcel.
When they got too big for reins I just used to walk off and leave them. Then I would watch them from a position where I could see them, but they couldn't see me. Once they realised that they didn't have an audience they would stop.
On a side note, I remember once when I was pregnant and I was doing thrashing up. I felt really rough and my son threads tantrum on the kitchen floor, probably for a biscuit or something. I was so pissed off and ill that I actually scooped the dishcloth from the water and threw it at him while screaming for God's sake shut up. The dishcloth wrapped itself round his face like a balaclava. He was so shocked that he actually shut up. Not proud of that loss of control but all these years later I still get the giggles over it.

Ifangyow · 27/01/2019 16:09

Threads tantrum?
Threw a tantrum.

I'm having a tantrum now over my fat fingers!

Ifangyow · 27/01/2019 16:10

Washing up, not thrashing up!

Ffs. Aaaaaaargh.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 27/01/2019 16:28

Nope, no negotiating deals with wobbler lobbing beasties. Not even the two autistic ones. If I blurbthe lines, those lines dissolve and will never be seen again. Exhausting doesn't cover it, especially as the older one is now almost as tall as me.

elfycat · 27/01/2019 16:40

For those about to go through a tantruming toddler phase (not to be confused with a meltdown) may I pass on a bit of wisdom from my father apparently he learned it with me that when you tuck the child under your arm like a roll of carpet you ensure that the child faced outwards.

It's harder to kick, punch, pinch and bite if they're not facing you. All they can do is beat at your arms.

I used to critique their but-I-want tantrums. Got down on the floor and commented if they weren't kicking and thrashing arms in a coordinated fashion. I offered to take the legs and let them concentrate on beating the floor with their fists, and sometimes I did 'help' them.

If they were tired/emotional tantrums I'd wait quietly until the sobbing changed tone and then offer sympathy for how awful and scared they must be feeling. Little hug and then we'd go home for a cuddle. Sometimes I'd buy a little something (cheap plastic tat) for them, but that's because they hadn't been asking for anything. That might have looked like I was giving into a tantrum.

DD1 was a bugger. The last tantrum she threw was when she was in reception at school - probably due to tiredness. She went over my shoulder as dark clouds were rolling over the town and we didn't have coats. We passed her classroom assistant and DD1 was embarrassed. I think that ended it.

LoudestRoar · 27/01/2019 16:40

DS (2) had a tantrum over me not buying him some chocolate the other day.

He actually opened it in the shop, so I had to buy it, but he still wasn't allowed it, much to his disgust...

Rockbird · 27/01/2019 16:47

Absolutely not, although my two have mega tantrums at home but thankfully tend to just moan and whinge in shops. Occasionally though I have said no to something as a reflex and then thought actually why not?

Following on from what Elfycat said though, DH critiques their squabbling. He'll ask who's winning and give the loser technique advice. It seems to take the heat out of the situation for a while. But he has more patience than me!

GreenTulips · 27/01/2019 16:56

In the past I would have thought all tantrums were because of poor parenting

I have never ever thought that! My thought pattern is usually ‘thank god mine are over that stage!!”

I’ve never felt embarrassed by a tantruming 2 year old why would you?
DD has a major one in the Asda entrance once ..... I left her to scream it out

SheChoseDown · 27/01/2019 17:10

I work in a supermarket. One regular customer wasn't watching her DS (age2) and he opened a packet of sweets. She'd told him he couldn't have them and to put them back... When she saw he'd opened them she didn't want to pay.
She was really angry I had asked her to pay.
She let him keep the sweets after all the commotion. So he got his own way and does it again and again. She hates paying for them and often tries to get away without doing so

corythatwas · 27/01/2019 17:22

bean some neurotypical children do actually tantrums despite never getting any actual benefits from it

children, like adults, have different temperaments: some are highly strung, others are placid

and elfycat's dad's advice is spot on: also, if dealing with an older child kicking and biting- approach them from behind

SkylightAndChandelier · 27/01/2019 17:26

Hell no.

I tell a slight lie. When DS1 was 1, we went in HMV, and he spotted a remote control car - not an expensive one, but he really, really wanted it. We left the shop with him crying his heart out, and DP went back and got it for him.

If I knew the kids were hungry, and that was why they were being poorly behaved, I'd feed them something as well (we'd pay first).

Otherwise though, poor behaviour means they definitely won't get something.

corythatwas · 27/01/2019 17:35

for the record, one of my dc had tantrums/meltdowns that went on until she was 10

she never got anything out of them

the other one was placid and obedient and did not

same treatment, different child

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