If your child has a tantrum in a shop, do you give in?

[marymarkle]

Curious. I am reading "tales from retail" and some shop staff say they often see young kids having a tantrum as they want something e.g. toy, sweets (fair enough kids tantrum), but it is very rare not to see a parent give in and give the child what they want.
I just wondered if they were exaggerating?
So if your child is having a tantrum in a shop because they want you to buy something and you have said no, do you give in and buy it anyway? ESpecially if the tantrum is loud and goes on for a long time?

thehorse I know. Which is why I wondered if the retail worker was right. She said most parents give in.

What do you actually do with yourself while you wait though eggy Do you sit next to her, read your phone, stare into space, pretend to look at stuff on the shelves?

99% of the time no, but if I was massively pressured and really, really needed to just get it done and get somewhere else and had no breathing space at all I might well give in.

And I do remember a time when ds3 was about 3 weeks old. He'd had had a constant crying couple of days with very broken nighttime sleep, so I was really tired, and when I picked ds1 and ds2 up from school I got a bollocking about ds1's behaviour which made me cry, and it was cold and raining and we missed the bus home so were waiting ages. We still had to get something for tea on the way home so had to pop into Tesco and ds1 wanted a treat, I said no, he threw an absolute wobbler, full on screaming at me and kicking things and I could not bear any more shit so just said fine ok and bought it. I knew even as I was doing it that it was a stupid move but I was on the point of collapse at that moment and just wanted the screaming to stop.

It's awful when they do it in public. When they're small enough, I've abandoned a trolley full of shopping, lifted them over my shoulder and just left the shop.

When they've been a bit bigger and it gets more awkward and less safe to do that, I've had the awful just standing there trying not to meet anyone's eye while they lie on the floor screaming and drumming their heels.

Ds1 only did the full on public tantrum in a shop once (in Asda. In the freezer section. Probably was less than 5 mins all in, felt like hours).

Ds2 did it a lot and as a result was confined to buggy or strapped into the trolley for a lot longer than ds1 as a prevention strategy and to facilitate swift exits. God it was horrendous.

Never. Luckily dd is (mostly) past that stage, but did have a screaming fit in a shop a few weeks ago.

I told her to put the toy back, she refused and started screaming. I took the toy back, and she threw her bag on the floor and was being very loud.
Yes on the inside I was cringing, but I just said (for the people who were staring) “You’re not embarrassing me and you’re not getting the toy, I suggest you stop or xyz will happen.” I act cool on the outside even if I’m boiling inside.

I feel bad for people having to listen to it but I can’t give in, or I’ll create a spoilt child. She stopped quickly and an old lady came over to congratulate me on staying calm.

Ds and dd have autism so a bit different here but when they were small and tantrums were on the cards I'd write a list of the shops we were going to and at the bottom I would put Woolworths and remind them that good shopping would mean a visit to Woolworths to pick out a reward. I seemed able to avoid 95% of tantrums that way. For the other 5% I'd consider whether the aggro was worth the cost so yes I'd give in over a £2 bit of junk before a tantrum even started tbh

Ps. It’s taken me a long time to act calm in public. When she was smaller I used to fireman’s lift her out of the shop and then cry. Her tantrums were awful..she once kicked off on a bus and I seriously debated getting off 10 stops early as I was so embarrassed.

I've worked in a few different places in retail and you would be shocked the amount of people who give into there children's tantrums.

Good god, never. I do not negotiate with terrorists.

No, I have never given into a tantrum.

I have plenty of friends who give in though. Usually the same people who tell me I’m so “lucky” my children are well behaved.

crow That is interesting.

kabs just chill
Play with DS, check off my shopping list, ponder unsolved mysteries of the world. Just anything but feed the tantrum!

Not once did we give in to a tantrum in public. We did to some harmless whines at home but never to demanding or rude behaviour.
To be fair we didnt have many tantrums, more of the battle of wills at around 17.00hrs ( arsenic time ,as it became known) we decided to pick our battles at this point.

I had a tantrummer! If she started in a shop I used to tell her to say when she was ready, I stood up, turned my back on her and took a couple of steps away. Then I didn’t engage with her again until she calmed down. On the whole I found people were very sympathetic. Sometimes I would say to someone,”it’s such a shame she is screaming I was going to take her to have a drink and a cake but I can’t now.”
That was often enough to shut her up. Oddly by the time she was 5 tantrums wer long gone and she is now a senior teacher in a big comp!

No but I could see how it might occasionally look that way to a bystander. I know that I've absently said 'no' to DS and he's then said 'But you agreed x,y, z' And I've realised he's right and then changed to yes. To someone watching that may look like parent says No, child talks back, parent says yes. But I wouldn't change my mind if they were rude or shouting.

I have to say, I would agree with the retail worker. I have seen loads of kids tantruming, and most of the time the parents give in.

maybe it depends where you are!

I never give in.
BUT I did learn 2 things

1. don't say no too quickly. Just pause before you say know and think if you want to fight this battle
2. teach my kids to ask not demand, and if they once shout, scream, through a strop etc, then it means whatever they asked for is automatically declined. If they ask, then I will consider it, but it might be conditional, eg can I have crisps - yes but only if we can get round and out in 20 minutes - let's go! (obviously didn't work with 18 months/2 year olds!)

No but I could see how it might occasionally look that way to a bystander. I know that I've absently said 'no' to DS and he's then said 'But you agreed x,y, z' And I've realised he's right and then changed to yes

But that's not a tantrum it’s a discussion (assuming he was polite).

My rule is that I will happily negotiate, and am open to persuasive points of view but that as soon as someone is rude/cries/whines etc the answer becomes an automatic hard no.

We have a further rule that says as soon as Mum says “the final answer is no” any further attempts at negotiation are inappropriate.

Our house is not a democracy. .

I have left a basket of shopping at customer services in Tesco and carried my tantruming toddler out under my arm, manhandled him into a trolley (still screaming) and then returned for my shopping. I've also left DS screaming lying on the floor in the middle of an aisle (I did slide him into an area where people could get round him). He does not get what he wants by screaming.

DS has also been timed out for 3 mins sat on the floor in McDonalds and the entrance porch to his nursery. We have also been slightly late to school/nursery because DS has been timed out a home too.

Often I get sympathetic looks or people trying to engage with DS. Having gone through all of that, he's pretty well behaved now and knows I will follow through with a time out pretty much anywhere

blimey, my spelling
pause before you say NO that shoud say.

I did once have dd aged 2 throwing a huge strop all round tesco, becuae I made her ride in the trolley. She was in the trolley becuase when I let her down she ran away, every time. So I said at the beginning, if you run away form mummy you will have to sit in the trolley. She ran off, and I put her in the trolley. Cue screaming blue murder.

I walked round doing my shopping ignoring the screams and saying things like.
Let's get some lovely tomatoes shall we? When you have stopped screaming, we can try again with walking, but if you run away, youhave to ride in the trolley.
Dead calm and repeating the deal every few minutes.
I was in the veg section and an old lady came over and said - well done you for sticking to your guns. It made it all feel so much easier, and as if I was doing the right thing.

Miane - I am like you!

Nope. Dd did this twice. Both times she was carried out of the shop kicking and screaming. She hasn't done it since.

If I am going to give in, I will do it straight away. I'm allowed to change my mind, but there is a point of no return.

We’ve luckily only had one tantrum in a supermarket and it wasn’t even about wanting something (DD1 was jealous because DD2 (about 8 weeks old at the time) got to sit in the plastic, lie bash baby seat in the trolley and she (nearly 2) obviously couldn’t. I picked her up under my arm and we went home. I’d have done the same if they ever tantrummed because they couldn’t have something.

*lie back

There was a period of around 6 months where I left every building carrying DD2 like a roll of carpet under my arm. To be fair she didn't really tantrum about wanting stuff but if she was somewhere she liked she did not want to leave. Ever.

nope