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Original poster

If your child has a tantrum in a shop, do you give in?

106 replies

marymarkle · 25/01/2019 10:12

Curious. I am reading "tales from retail" and some shop staff say they often see young kids having a tantrum as they want something e.g. toy, sweets (fair enough kids tantrum), but it is very rare not to see a parent give in and give the child what they want.
I just wondered if they were exaggerating?
So if your child is having a tantrum in a shop because they want you to buy something and you have said no, do you give in and buy it anyway? ESpecially if the tantrum is loud and goes on for a long time?

OP posts:

Babdoc · 25/01/2019 11:54

Mine weren’t into tantrums, thankfully. If they wanted stuff they couldn’t have, I would always give them a reason why not, instead of just saying a bald no, and they seemed to accept it.
I did see one mother in Tesco whose toddler lay on the floor, purple with rage and screaming fit to bust. She lay down beside him and started waving her fists in the air and shrieking too! The toddler gazed at her, open mouthed, completely forgetting to scream himself, and then burst out laughing. He got up, had a hug, and they continued shopping. I was tempted to give the woman a round of applause, but didn’t want to embarrass her! Brilliant tantrum management.

thenewaveragebear1983 · 25/01/2019 11:55

Nope. That's why I'm that parent with the child who cries all the way round Tesco, cries in the queue. And trust me, people comment on that too. Yes he looks like a brat, but honestly, he never gets bought stuff in there, and usually he's crying over something ridiculous like me not buying goat milk because he 'likes goats better than cows'. I've had some horrible comments from other shoppers.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 25/01/2019 11:59

I’m a childminder and all but one of my parents gives in to the tantrums I witness. Then they wonder why they do it...

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1fedthetorty · 25/01/2019 12:04

Me and my husband owned a village shop for over 12 years, oh my dear some of the things we saw . Not only tantrums from the toddlers / terrible twos and threes , but from children up to 11 ! Oh and parents giving in more times than not ( and fathers giving in the most ) I don’t miss the screaming and shouting and being trapped in a small shop trying to smile benevolently from between gritted teeth .

babysharkah · 25/01/2019 12:06

I don't give in. I have on occasion had to pick a tantrumming toddler up under my arm and storm out of a shop without my shopping.

To be fair mine didn't tantrum that much but when they did Jesus you knew about it.

RCohle · 25/01/2019 12:26

God this thread makes me feel like a shocking parent.

I have . I mean I know, I know it's a rod for your own back, negotiating with terrorists etc. But on one or two occasions I just couldn't cope - I had multiple kids with me plus I'm easily embarrassed and passers by were massively tutting and I was on the verge of tears myself. And as others have said, I'd only said no initially as a reflex - it really wouldn't have done any harm if I'd just said yes when first asked.

To be honest my DS1 didn't really tantrum that much anyway, so it didn't have catastrophic consequences I don't think. And by subsequent kids my resolve had hardened

I'm not advising it as a technique, I'm just sharing to make anyone else who has feel a bit better.

AzraiL · 25/01/2019 12:28

Husband and I went to the markets once, where DD (almost at the time, and I was heavily pregnant with DS) wanted a toy from one of the stands. When we refused she threw herself on the ground and let out an ear-piercing scream, pounding the ground with her fists and kicking the ground. Husband calmly picked her up, slung her over his shoulder and we got the hell out of there.

After that, every time she looked like she was about to throw another tanty we reminded her that we would pack up and go home. Had only one other episode a year after DS was born, and they had a double tantrum, which was great fun. Did the same thing then too. They never did it again.

Jens303 · 25/01/2019 12:29

not all tantrum's are tantrum's - people do tend to assume but sometimes the child may be autistic for example

but no, I would never give in, DSS had a tantrum once when we turned off the television for dinner - DH's reaction was well I guess if we never turn it on again you won't have a tantrum when it's turned off - DSS stopped crying instantly

HollyBollyBooBoo · 25/01/2019 12:31

It wasn't a problem I regularly had with DD but one incident I do remember and we were on holiday and in a beautiful old fashioned toy shop and DD was being an absolute brat. I made her put everything she'd chosen back and apologised profusely to the owner as I was truly mortified.

Owner was so supportive about how I'd handled DD and really gave me a confidence boost, that really stuck with me.

Theknacktoflying · 25/01/2019 12:36

But then isn’t it just making sure that kids don’t need to get in situations like this? Make sure that the kids are given clear instructions and set out what you are doing and what and how they can help. Reward them for following through and be consistent.

I would also bloody lose it if I was dragged around the shoos and bored out of my skull...

There are so many modern ways to avoid it - simply making sure they have a job/role, are fed and aren’t tired ...

Yabbers · 25/01/2019 12:46

Everyone has a view on tantrumming kids and their parents. I wouldn't take someone's view as gospel just because they work in retail.

DD didn't tantrum in public but I have a friend who's DD was prone to do so. She gave in rarely and when she did it was purely through exhaustion. She just didn't have the strength to deal with it. The alternative was she collapsed in tears herself.

A couple of years later her DD was diagnosed with autism and the meltdowns made more sense. She said she wished she had given in more as it would have made zero difference to the number of tantrums but would have made life easier for her.

The retail worker should get off her high horse and stop judging.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 25/01/2019 12:53

Never. I've never been a parent who cares about other people watching, so if my DC had rough days as tiny ones, they'd have their rough day, feel their feelings and I'd be there by them ready for when they stopped their nonsense.

I've never punished for tantrums, but nor have I ever really responded to them other than talking them through it afterwards. They're all very different but for the DC it seemed to work.

MyFootHurts · 25/01/2019 13:22

I have on occasion. It does not appear to have created a monster. We have a very open dialogue and I will try and pre- handle any potential situations. So, if we are going to a shop where I know they will ask for sweets, I will discuss with them first whether today they will be having some and if so, the budget they must stick to. On the occasions when they have caught me on the hop, I will try and negotiate and find out how much they really want the item. Often if I suggest they must buy it themselves out of their carefully boarded money, they decide they don't really want the item that much. But if it is important to them, then I will consider buying it. I treat them like young adults with wants and desires. They don't always get what they want, but they know that they can present a good case and be heard. So, if a retail person were witnessing my child asking, me perhaps saying no to start with ( as a knee jerk reaction), then some quiet conversation resulting in me buying the item, it may well appear that I've 'given in', but my children do seem to understand that they don't get everything they ask for, but equally, they are not powerless if they really want something.

MyFootHurts · 25/01/2019 13:26

I suppose that isn't tantrumming though. Mine don't really have to escalate to screaming as they get heard without resorting to that.

BendingSpoons · 25/01/2019 13:31

If you give in to a tantrum, they are more likely to do it again, so it figures that retail workers will see lots of parents give in, as the parents who stick by their word are less likely to have a child who tantrums. (I am aware it does still happen, I have a nearly 3 year old!)

TooGood2BeFalse · 25/01/2019 13:44

My eldest was a right little sod for tantrums in shops when he was little.

He once wanted a toy ball by the checkout aged about 3, but was so rude and demanding I refused to get it for him.There were LOUD screams and many stares but I ignored it,stayed in the queue and paid.As we left there was a tap on my shoulder.Some 'kind' bystander had bought the ball and just gave it to my son without asking.My son was happy as larry and had the smuggest smile on his face.

I was so shocked and pissed off, I literally went mute. To this day, I wonder wtf this woman thought she was doing and whther she genuinely thought I was being a cow.

Ds is now 6, nearly 7 and is just the sweetest, least demanding kid in the world. Never asks for a thing,he is soooo lovely.

Heatherjayne1972 · 25/01/2019 13:44

My second one was the king of tantrums
Ignoring the tantrum and sticking to whatever you’ve said is the best way
( although I have picked him up in a fireman’s lift more than once to remove him )

PetraOne · 25/01/2019 13:49

No! It used to be embarrassing dragging a screaming child across the shop floor because I wouldn't buy the sweet/toy he wanted, but I've realised that every parent (and every parent to be!) will experience this, so ignore any odd looks from people and stick to it. My 6 year old is now able to better accept the word 'No' although he does still throw the odd tantrum

foxinthemist · 25/01/2019 14:00

Let's say she's lying on the floor screaming and thrashing in a shop - what do I do next?

You pick her up and get on with your day.

thenewaveragebear1983 · 25/01/2019 14:16

The most annoying thing when your child is throwing a howler in public is well meaning busy bodies folk who think talking to the child is going to help in some way. Like 'ooh who's making all that noise?' Or asking if they like Thomas or, as happened to me once, saying 'mummy will give you sweets if you're a good boy'

So I end up failing not once but twice- once because I have the screaming toddler, and twice because I ask the 'helper' to kindly fuck off leave me to it!

GummyGoddess · 25/01/2019 14:19

No, just stand around waiting for him to finish. Even the epic one where he was rolling around on the floor for half an hour and taking his shoes off to throw at me just before he turned 2.

foxinthemist · 25/01/2019 14:20

So I end up failing not once but twice- once because I have the screaming toddler, and twice because I ask the 'helper' to kindly fuck off leave me to it!

I'd say you were winning there!

Believability · 25/01/2019 14:27

Nope, never. I lost count of the times that my kids were schlepped out of shops over my shoulder. I couldn’t give 2 hoots if people stare at me

megletthesecond · 25/01/2019 14:35

Usually not.
But if I have a lot to do and 10yr old dd is going to lose it then I do sometimes give in. Especially if it means her brother is going to miss out if she has a meltdown.
FWIW I didn't give in the time she did bite me in a shop.

hannah1992 · 25/01/2019 14:43

I have 2 aged 8 and 3 my 8 year old doesn't do it no more. She asks I say no she hurts and gets on with it. My 3 year old tantrums.

With both of them I have calmly said well you can sit there and tantrum if you want but i haven't got time to stand around and wait so I'm going to finish my shopping. By the time I've taken 3 steps down the isle "mummy wait for me" tantrum over.

Same in parks etc. I say we are going in 10 mins, then 5 mins we are going then right time to go. "I'm not going, I want to stay blah blah" me. "Ok bye then" begin to walk off kids wait for me!!

Works for me however, I know some kids would just be like yeah whatever bye lol

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