Why is it frowned upon to admit you enjoy parenting and don’t find it that hard?

[Namedrama]

I am pleased that we live in a time where many people are very open about their struggles. When finding a particular stage of life hard it’s no doubt comforting to hear you aren’t alone. However, with parenting it seems almost obligatory to say you find it hard. Every instagrammer, blogger, journalist with young children seems focus on how hard it is, how they have lost their freedom, how they need a drink to get through, how they crave two mins peace, how they never knew the challenges etc. Often this is caveated with a final line that they wouldn’t trade their babies for the world but that’s after many paragraphs of detailing the struggle.

If you really enjoy parenthood it now seems wrong to say it out loud. Somehow it’s boastful or undermining. God forbid you suggest you think you are good at it, your kids are well behaved or achieving well.

I just wonder how healthy all this really is. Doesn’t concentrating on the positives make life easier and happier? I had to distance myself from some friends while on maternity leave as they were so negative about the experience that it started to make me anxious and worried that it was only a matter of time before I somehow realised it was all impossible too. Even now I have older children nobody seems to want to just say “Aren’t we lucky, isn’t this fun, this is a brilliant time of our lives.” I wonder if concentrating on the negatives doesn’t perpetuate the negatives?

Just a thought really. Maybe others find it easier to celebrate parenthood.

Completely agree. All we hear from are the people who find parenting really difficult. I awlways think, you should ask advice from the parents who are actually doing it well/have well behaved children/children who sleep, etc., not from the ones with all the problems - they're clearly doing it wrong!

Because a lot of people do find it difficult at some point or another? And therefore those who do mostly find it easy tend to have the grace and good sense not to be publicly smug about it?

I agree. I love having kids, my life is much happier with them. Of course there are difficult days, but overall I find raising them a very happy experience.

I bloody loved my maternity leave!!

Because people are only happy when everyone else is as miserable as them.

I have the 2 most placid, well behaved kids every and they’re a dream. If there’s one thing in life I want to boast about and be proud of it’s my children!

I think there's a certain mindset, almost a hangover from puritanism, which a lot of people have somehow internalised as 'difficult=virtuous'. Combine that with the generally dour attitude to life common in all northern European countries and this is what it leads to. It's almost as though being happy=getting above yourself in some way.

I have one DC who is the most beautifully behaved, placid, kind and generally angelic soul. Being his parent is a constant joy.

I have a five year gap between him and his brother who is 3 and has severe autism. I love them both with every fibre of my being, but parenting my youngest is HARD. It has me on my knees and in tears frequently.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I see both sides of the coin. And talking about the harder aspects of parenting is, ironically, easier for me.

Because it is boastful and undermining to those of us who find it incredibly difficult. I find it easy (too easy in fact) to lose weight and stay slim. I almost never speak of this as I am aware that most people do not so I don’t want to rub their noses in it.

@perpetualstudent - but is it good to be quiet about the joy parenting can bring? Doesn’t misery breed misery? Aren’t people now encouraged to concentrate on the negatives meaning they are less likely to see the joy?

I had a friend who was like this

It comes across at a little bit smug, but it never bothered me really

Now her girls are teens, and she has changed her tune

Because it is boastful and undermining to those of us who find it incredibly difficult.

No it’s not. Why should I not be able to talk about my kids just because you’re on the defensive. It’s ridiculous.

If I read your post right you have a young child. They don't get easier. Multiple children is also harder. Parenting is a field of constantly changing goal posts and experiences. Some people love babies but find mouthy children with their own opinions difficult. Some people find the baby stage boring. Maybe the people who are moaning just found it harder. Not everyone enjoys parenting and some really do mourn the loss of freedom. Actually I think if you are doing it right it is in equal measures fantastic and gutwrenchingly awful. Children test you, argue, surprise you, dawdle and prevaricate. They are messy, selfish and loud (Gawd love Em)
But then I have three children, all school age, I am constantly either paying for something or driving someone somewhere and I hardly see them at all. Which I find sad.
If you spend too much time harping on about how easy parenting is and how much you love it then you probably sound like the kind of woman who posts yearly love letters to Hubs on FB. Most people find that insincere and cloying.

NotUmbongo of course you can do whatever you like. The OP asked why it is frowned upon and wanted opinions. I need friends who understand how fucking difficult it is, or at least pretend to. Lots of other people might want friends who find it easy.

I don’t think everyone on SM says how hard it is

It appears to divide into two camps. The I need gin / wine lot and the very blessed lot

I wouldn’t pay any of it too much attention

I don’t find it easy (4 children, 2 with SN and another wirh suspected SN) but I do find it very rewarding. I try and focus on the good stuff!

I completely agree, OP. In fact, I often wonder if the developed world is collectively doing things wrong and it's really not supposed to be as hard as people say. I'd love to hear about some tribe that find it an easy and happy experience so we can learn their secrets.

Maybe it's what Fairly said and people don't want to come across as boastful.

@perpetualstudent - but is it good to be quiet about the joy parenting can bring? Doesn’t misery breed misery? Aren’t people now encouraged to concentrate on the negatives meaning they are less likely to see the joy?

If you are so discombobulated by other people expressing their sense of the difficulty of parenthood that you had to distance yourself from friends who were vocally unhappy on maternity leave, then I wonder about how fragile your sense of self is.

I mean, different people experience things differently, and are entitled to express themselves as they see fit. If you really need to be surrounded by permanent ultra-chipper positivity, what does it suggest about you? Or do you really feel unable to express yourself about how wonderful it all is?

I was about to say ‘who doesn’t allow you to talk about how easy you find it’: and then someone came onto your thread, objecting to talking about how easy you find it... you do you and don’t worry about the rest! I found small baby land fairly trying, but am much happier with my inquisitive one year old. I suspect we all have our preferred bits. Maybe the bloggers are going through their least favourite bits.

It wouldn’t bother me if the people who find it easy actually gave tips which are not the basic tips that everyone has tried. Usually though they seem to fall into the #soblessed camp as PP said.

I think a bit of empathy with others is needed here, of course some people find being a parent hard, if you don't there will be reasons others might not have

@ilovedolly but the OP is perfectly happy with her life as it is now. Yes, maybe she won't always be. Maybe her dc will grow up to be an intravenous drug user. Maybe she'll break her neck in a car accident. Maybe life has all sorts of things in store for her, some pleasant, some not so pleasant. But, right now, she's happy. When you think of all the things that can and do go wrong for people, when you think of how much misery, real misery, there is in the world including people who go out of their way to make things bad for you, is it such a crime for a mother to experience joy and say that she is?

@Parthenhope - I think I have a pretty secure sense of self but as many psychological studies show “group think” is a real thing. If you spend a lot of time with a group that thinks one way it affects your outlook and perspective. It is common to find yourself unconsciously internalising the narrative of your group.

Because smuggery is tiresome, and that is how it would be taken.

I have some friends whose big thing seems to be how hard they find their kids, how they can't wait to get them out of the house, how much they need to drink to cope with them. Perfectly normal, nice kids. All said in front of them of course.

Mine irritate the living hell out of me sometimes but to talk them down like that grates.

I don’t find this at all...I suspect it depends on your friends. Most of mine admit they’d rather get more sleep but otherwise (like me) have zero regrets.

Also, are they not reaching out for support and reassurance, which is normal...many of us don’t have family locally so if your DC is throwing up everywhere at 9pm then Social Media might be a good way to keep your sense of humour.