Why is it frowned upon to admit you enjoy parenting and don’t find it that hard?

[Namedrama]

I am pleased that we live in a time where many people are very open about their struggles. When finding a particular stage of life hard it’s no doubt comforting to hear you aren’t alone. However, with parenting it seems almost obligatory to say you find it hard. Every instagrammer, blogger, journalist with young children seems focus on how hard it is, how they have lost their freedom, how they need a drink to get through, how they crave two mins peace, how they never knew the challenges etc. Often this is caveated with a final line that they wouldn’t trade their babies for the world but that’s after many paragraphs of detailing the struggle.

If you really enjoy parenthood it now seems wrong to say it out loud. Somehow it’s boastful or undermining. God forbid you suggest you think you are good at it, your kids are well behaved or achieving well.

I just wonder how healthy all this really is. Doesn’t concentrating on the positives make life easier and happier? I had to distance myself from some friends while on maternity leave as they were so negative about the experience that it started to make me anxious and worried that it was only a matter of time before I somehow realised it was all impossible too. Even now I have older children nobody seems to want to just say “Aren’t we lucky, isn’t this fun, this is a brilliant time of our lives.” I wonder if concentrating on the negatives doesn’t perpetuate the negatives?

Just a thought really. Maybe others find it easier to celebrate parenthood.

YYY thebeesknees.

Blogs like hurrah for gin and part time working mummy, the kind of ones that say it can be shit at time, have actually saved women deep in despair struggling with parenting. It’s not a bad thing that the ‘mummy needs gin’ type posts exist.

YYY thebeesknees.

Blogs like hurrah for gin and part time working mummy, the kind of ones that say it can be shit at time, have actually saved women deep in despair struggling with parenting. It’s not a bad thing that the ‘mummy needs gin’ type posts exist.

Fairlyconstantnamechange, Actually I think my secret was confidence. You talk about self doubt, I consciously stopped doubting myself when my son was tiny. I remember a doctor telling me to give him more gaviscin for his severe reflex, when I knew it was causing him so much pain. I simply refused and they agreed to try another one (he had extremely bad reflux and was failing to grow, premmie baby so he needed to grow!). The new medication was much more effective!

I think that was the moment I decided I did know my baby best. Not perfect, but I was the one who had to advocate for him.

I see my NCT group stressing over what people think, and constant self doubt, but it doesn’t bother me so much. To be fair I have a nice well behaved 4 year old now, so I’ve not exactly got a lot of experience!

I’m also an older mum, I’ve beaten cancer and had my miracle late life baby. So, I think age and perspective helps me to revel in life and not sweat the small stuff.

Why is it smug to say you enjoy parenthood and find it easy?
I love being a parent and yes it's easier than I expected, maybe I listened to too many people who said how dreadful it was and so reality was never going to be too bad.

I absolutely love being a mum and have never found it hard really. Believe me my dc weren't little angels when they were younger and I was also a very hard up lone parent for sometime.
I remember being shot down by someone for saying how sad I was that the summer holiday was over. I was sad, I love having my dc at home but apparently that made me 'smug'

I think generally parenting is easier if you were parented well. Generally. I was not parented well, and though I think I'm a pretty good parent, it was an uphill battle at times (mainly an internal one).

Apologies Op, but threads like this are just crying out for an advanced search - to be fair, most of us would find parenthood a whole lot easier if we had your life circumstances . Perhaps if you'd expanded in your Op you would've had different replies?

British Culture is very self deprecating, and if you don’t play along with the narrative you’re called “smug” “boastful” “big headed” “stealth boasting”.

I have never heard a home from another culture use these words. It’s really sad.

It’s not obligatory to say anything of the sort.

What is absolutely true is, any time anyone says they are struggling or don’t like a part of parenting they are blithely told “oh but in the blink of an eye they’ll be grown and you’ll miss the fact they have woken you up every hour, on the hour for two years straight”

There’s a mum blogger I follow on FB who this happens to every time she posts about a struggle. So much so, she often posts about those types of comments. It happens here too.

Of course you can talk about how easy it all is for you, just be mindful of your audience. I remember being asked how well my baby slept. I was sitting with someone who I knew was having horrific issues with their baby not sleeping and it was really causing her problems. DD slept through from about 3 months and napped solidly 3 times a day. I’d have been a heartless bitch if I spoke about how wonderfully she slept in front of the other mum who hadn’t slept for 9 months.

2 and 3 were shit for us but the rest has been relatively plain sailing despite her having a disability. I love being a parent and find it quite easy. I don’t recall any time I’ve been berated for saying so.

This post was meant to discuss a cultural trend rather than focus on whether I, the OP, find parenting easy or hard. So to those posts are saying I must have one kid, or only young kids, that’s sort of irrelevant to the observation I was making, but FWIW I actually have several kids spanning more than a decade of ages and I am pregnant again. What I have observed is a trend over many years, across all my kids.

I know what you're talking about OP. As an expectant FTM I've really had to distance myself from the people who constantly talk about how difficult it is.
I'm not daft, I know it's going to be rough sometimes and completely unpredictable. I'm already a carer for my disabled goddaughter so I know how parenthood can throw all sorts of curveballs at you but why breed the negativity? It seems like such a silly way to talk towards expectant parents, why go in to it with that kind of attitude and preconception?

Well, you can say it. Just like you can announce that you're doing exceptionally well at work, love your job to bits, think you're absolutely smashing it and will be top of the pile in the next three years, or that your house is incredible and in a fabulous area with good schools and an adjacent park... People will think you're a bit of a braggart, but there's nothing stopping you.

I think you’ll find you’ll find the “Pinterest moms” on Pinterest - there are plenty of them out there.
Both the gin mums and the Pinterest mums exaggerate for effect, in opposite directions.

What is absolutely true is, any time anyone says they are struggling or don’t like a part of parenting they are blithely told “oh but in the blink of an eye they’ll be grown and you’ll miss the fact they have woken you up every hour, on the hour for two years straight”

^This

And she is 14 now and, no, I do not miss it or will I ever!

Nor do I follow those, 'don't clean your house' poems, 'let the washing pile up and don't make lunch' stories and just play with your kids all day while living in a shithole in case you miss one millisecond of their childhood.

Re the Advanced Search comment, I rest my case. My circumstances were awful post birth - 2 redundancies, major family fallings out, a death in the family. I remember feeling grief stricken and listening to a friend deliberating which coffee machine to get as if it were the biggest dilemma

Oh yeah treasure every moment bs. No one ever in the history of parenting treasured every single freaking moment.
It can suck, it can be amazing. Mostly it's a mix of both... but tbh people should be allowed to own up to both without being called smug OR having stupid platitudes thrown at them.

It is hard work if you have a child who doesn't sleep or who can't be left alone for a minute or who requires constant management of one sort or another to prevent upset. There is no getting away from that being hard work. It has got nothing to do with how good a parent someone is.

I actually find it quite sad that you had friends who were struggling when you were not, so you ditched them.

When people are having a hard time that’s the time to lean in and show them you are a true friend, surely.

I have a friend I see weekly and although we do spend time chatting about happy things, we also spend a fair bit of time moaning, and time talking more in depth about a specific problem (if we have one. Usually we can find one ). We once spent quite a long time talking about my birth injuries. Now I’m basically better, you’ll be amazed, I can’t remember when I last extolled the wonders of my perfectly working pelvic floor.

Being happy is great and lovely but what value is there in talking about it in depth beyond the standard ‘oh I’m great thanks’? It’s not like discussing a problem / misery, and solving the problem / reducing the misery. Now that has value.

I have my good days and my bad days, some days I think I’m the best parent ever and it’s so easy, others I barely get through the day. But I think everyone should be able to be open about their experiences of parenting without judgement

I understand what you are saying op.

It's British culture as others have said to not be seen to be smug.

My nan would say "Misery loves company!" And get on with her life.

Maybe we just feel more saturated in others opinions now, if we read online at least!

Parenting has its ups and downs but I would like to "promote" the joys to the next generation in my family. I can see them having no kids the way the wider culture is going.

I enjoy parenting and my daughter is a pretty easy kid. If someone asks me directly how I’m finding it I’ll say I’m loving it but I don’t see the point in rambling on social media about how lovely it all is. You hear more from mums who are having a hard time because they’re the ones who need support and to know they’re not alone. I’m fine, so I don’t particularly need to spend time on forums talking about how fine I am.

I’m also very aware it’s pure luck of the draw- I didn’t do anything to make her an easy baby, she came out this way!

I'm not really one to go on about the hardships at length, but I wouldn't do the opposite either, if only because practically every time I've discussed that it's very enjoyable and getting easy and I got a handle on all of this parenting malarky, something comes to smack some reality in my face. It's more complex that one side or the other, so I vent/sigh in relief as needed and generally don't talk about parenting generally in terms of difficulty and enjoyability.

I do find the 'you'll miss X' kinda annoying as previous posters said. My youngest is 7 and some of my friends have recently or are soon having babies and plenty of people ask or assume it's making me nostalgic or something. Nononono, I have plenty of adorable pictures and videos, it was nice while it lasted, but I'm so beyond happy to be well beyond the parenting baby-toddler stage of life.

^ agree with this. Good parenting does not always equal placid, compliant, well-behaved kids, particularly when there is SEN in the mix.

Oh yes, I had friends not invite me back because the baby didn't stop crying. Both sets of parents wouldn't look after her because it was too difficult. No shit Sherlock. That is precisely why I needed friends, a break.

But my dd and I have a good relationship now If you don't go through bad times, how do you bond if it's always easy?

Nobody likes a smug twat. That’s why. (Not saying people who find parenting easy are smug twats, just that going on about it does kind of come across that way - same as people saying being a CEO is easy and you just have to get up at 5am to do mindfulness, or people saying they love the glow of pregnancy while others are puking their guts up).

Parenting has amazing bits and shit bits. Some people get a better mix, some worse. Share and support - but try to avoid smuggery as it is just hard for those who are struggling at that time (which is always many of us).

I always think parenting is summed up as “it was the best of times, it was the worst of times”.

I always think parenting is summed up as “it was the best of times, it was the worst of times”

YES!!